NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A "THE BEST 2010 EVER", A mandatory post.

Listen Up, Fools!
It's getting up to that time of the year when everyone looks back and goes "YEAH". Like when you're driving down the street and you think you see a yellow lambda symbol on a building (with a box of goodies hidden nearby?), but then realise it's just a slightly twisted christmas decoration in a recently flood ravaged city, and that you shouldn't have taken this road into town because it is the last weekend before SKOOL HOLIDAZE and every bastard is out buying things RIGHT NAO.
So as you sit in the traffic jam, contemplating how poor your decision making has been on this sunny day (let's face it, any day which starts with someone screaming "NAKED TIME" is going to be an interesting one at the very least), the mind wanders back over the things that have come and gone in the last several months or whatever. Then someone beeps their car horn at you and you drive off down a sidestreet to avoid shame, only to end up heading in the opposite direction that you initally intended.
Then you spend the next 3 or 4 weeks doing virutally nothing, and someone yells at you about being lazy, causing you to FLY INTO ACTION. LIKE SO:

So, now we are safe from the JUDGEMENTAL PUBLIC, it is time to for JUDGEMENTAL PRIVATES. Also stuff music lists. If you want them, just hit up Farcebook and see what the kids and kiddies are voting for in the Snottiest 100.


Inception
A straightforward heist film. The plot's simple enough, and everything is spelt out fairly clearly but one of the attractive characters. Also worth it just for the following image:

Scott Pilgrim VS The World
I have never watched this film sober. I think it's so I forget all the additional stuff that happens and how wildly the film deviates from the original story after/during the first fight. That said, the movie is great, possibly even better if you've never read the books. The Scott in the movie is a significantly whingier version, but it's ok because everyone is insane / a filthy canadian hipster.


The Social Network
Yeah, this one's my favourite of the year, hands down. Maybe just because it's one of the best displays of Cold Genius and Rich Man's Entitlement around. Trent Reznor did the soundtrack. Also there's a scene which looks like a miniture set! YAY!
Actually, the reason I liked it so much was that it was just inspiring, in that it made me want to be the best that I can be in whatever field I love.


Tron: Legacy
Haven't seen it. I saw the 1982 version though, and I think that's a legacy system, so I've technically seen it! YEAH!


Space Funeral
A crying man in his pajamas and a bit of a horse go off in search of something with the help of a Peanuts character, meet Dracula (who likes drinkings and smoking weeds), find poorly coded segments full of errors, and go to the town with "MANY GOODS and CRIMINALS", amongst other things. With a menu that offers "BLOOD", "BLOOD", and "BLOOD" as the three options, you sorta know what you're in for.
It's suspiciously similar to Achewood in the tone, but who cares, because we need more things that are not afraid to be insane. Actually, I reckon I've been wanting to play this for years, and just never realised it. Also the music sounds like it just crawled out of a poorly made vintage film about Teenagers in dangerous situations or something. I mean, good god, here's a snippet from a Wiki page about one of the bands on the soundtrack:
"In 1970, the original bass player Moriaki Wakabayashi was involved in the hijacking of Japan Airlines Flight 351 orchestrated by the Japanese Red Army. Singer Takashi Mizutani was allegedly offered a role in the hijacking, but turned it down." For more madness, hit this dude up.
So yeah, if that floats your boat, it might be worth checking out the rest of their madness.
A more eloquent summary can be found here


Veggie Tales 3D
I think the most accurate way I could describe this piece of insane genius is "Matt Graham: THE GAME".
Worth it just for the walking around town and screaming at everyone.
Therefore, I am completely enamored with this.


One Chance
This is the only Webgame that's actually moved me in some way. And not in the bowel way, like the majority of poorly coded Farmville knock-offs tend to.
It's basically "I AM LEGEND", except a little more dire, but it's nice and upfront about things, even if it is a little ambiguous about what it actually means. Blegh, go and play, and then feel terrible about yourself. Also you can try to guess what I did. Also there's no Replay, so you can mope about it even MOAR.
Now excuse me, I need to go and sit in the corner for the sole purposes of crying and sobbing.


Digital: A Love Story
Right, off the DEPRESSIO one, and on to something much better! A Lurve story, and one of the finest of our age. Don't believe me? Ask Lambie. THEN GET YOUR BBS AMIGA ON!


Principles of Magnetohydrodynamics With Applications to Laboratory and Astrophysical Plasmas
Hmm, how can I put this? It's "DA FUKKIN SHIT!".


Fallout: New Vegas
Chandler shot me in the brain. Hijinks ensured. People will think me Strange but my brother got me a Fallout 3 Bobblehead for Christmas (to which I reacted with screams of "omg omg omg omg omg YES"), and now I want to play it MOAR and MOAR and MOAR, even though they're not in this one. I dunno. Snowglobes just don't do it for me. I do like giving up on shooting things sometimes and just doing this, or even better, THIS.
Needs more insane AI though. Like this one:


Super Meat Boy
There's just something so joyous about a game where you go "split splat split splat" everytime you move, jump, or (inevitably) die. THE STORY IS SO BEAUTIFUL I WILL CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERY SINGLE NIGHT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.


Burnout Paradise
I'm not a good driver in the COMPUTER LAND. I'm fine admiting this. This game however, is fun. Fun in a "GTA without the shooting or running over people" and with "BRUTAL CRASHES that the RTA should use in their Speeding is for Stereotyped Targets of Hatred (Warning: EXTREMELY NSFW) ads or something"



DeathSpank
A condescending, jolly trot through the countryside, stuffing orphans in a bag for a re-election campaign photoshoot. Wait, what? You're a dude in a tight pair of purple undies (I believe the Emericans call them "Thongs"), going around beating things up for flimsy reasons that make sense in his diseased brain. GOOD TIMES.



Poker Night at the Inventory
I'm not a great poker player, I'll happily admit that. What I'll also admit is that this game is completely spastic. Spastic in a "I'll go all in on a pair of 3's" kind of spastic. The only way to win in this game apparently is dumb luck, and since you're playing against the computer, which also knows what cards everyone has, I have an inherient distrust of the whole getup.
But it gives you cosmetic items for TF2, so who cares. (I DO. I MUST HAVE ALL OF THEM)


Back To The Future - The Game
Oh man, the last time I got this excited about the 80's was that time I started screaming "Take On Me" while waiting for my burgers at Maccas. The Michael J Fox sound-a-like is perfect, THE PAGE MASTAR is back as the Science Man, and if the opening notes don't make you jitter, then you are dead to me. Here's hoping the rest of the season pans out as well as the opening act has.
It's so good it made me go and watch the outtakes from the first film, where Marty is a homophobe, Doc reads a Playboy, and then Michael J Fox calls his mum a "Biiiitch" in a mexican accent.

VVVVVV
FUCKING SPIKES.
But yeah...
I do like how the characters have 2 expressions only: HAPPY and SADS. It is the best way to express EVERY EMOTION.


Dragon Age: Awakening
The last boss can be classified simply as "What, eww", but then you leave one of your weapons in her/its neck and walk off into the hole in the earth sunset, so about frigging time this game ended yay!. Fun Fact: I actually gave up on this game 10 minutes out of the proper ending, because I just did not care any more. Let's just chalk this one up to a writer who doesn't know how to properly carry off an arc.


DELIGHTFUL GIRLFRIEND!
She get's the 2010 award of "Best". In every category, expect maybe as a mode of transport, and I suppose as a building material also. That just about sums it up.

And that brings to a close this list! PEACE OUT, Y'ALL.

It was the Day before Christmas...

And temperatures are currently 39 degrees Celsius.
At 11am.
Apparently, it's supposed to hit 42. I am pretty sure we'll beat that.
And that's also apparently nothing, according to one of our travelling sonographers. Karratha hits this temperature by 9 am.

Why yes, that is a fairy on a giant dump truck covered in tinsel going down Hannan Street.
Our Christmas parades are awesome.

Hope you have Fun :)
Travis.

The Machines are Sentient.

...and they are malevolent?

Yes. I mean we've known that they have had intelligence for a long time but now I know that they have personalities.

How is it that you find that they manifest this... personality?

It's different from machine to machine, of course, but I think that they are plotting our down fall.

Let's start from the beginning. How did you come to this conclusion?

I think it was from when I first got here. On my first day out I thought I noticed something odd about the traffic lights and, in particular, the pedestrian crossing lights. I couldn't quite place it until a few days later when I saw that they conspired to hold up traffic in all directions. For minutes at a time, the entire flow of traffic through this small town is put at a stand still because of the machines.

You don't think that this might be due to human factors?

Not a chance. Surely there aren't people that stupid to make it do things like that. No, the traffic lights and pedestrian crossing lights figured out a way to communicate with each other in such a way that one can sleep while the other is awake and the pedestrian lights care not for traffic concerns.

Was there anything else that concerned you?

Plenty of things. Let's talk about the OPG Machine.

“OPG”?

Orthopantomography. The pictures of your teeth that dentists use.

Ah. Go on.

Well, at first the machine and I were friends. It didn't like most people, and regularly decided not to work for them until multiple people intervened. But I knew how to.... push all of its good buttons, so to speak. But then, after a few months, it all started to go wrong. The machine started to make small errors creep in. Things like not working when I pushed the “Go” button and not working when I changed it to... take side on pictures of people's heads. Later on, it refused to go for one of our crew. It really didn't like her much to begin with, but this was the first time that it flatly refused to work at all, not even for the people that it was normally nice to.

I see.

Yeah. Even when we gave it it's own room, it did not really like us too much. For starters, its powerpoint in an awkward position so that moving the machine vertically sometimes grated on the cords and nearly knocked itself out.

Surely that could be attributed to human error because, after all, a human put the machine there.

Well... I might give you that one. But that still doesn't mean it was nice. It made different noises after a little while. I don't think it liked its new room very much, it was a lot smaller than its previous room. It probably didn't help that we made it share the room, in the end, with an older Ultrasound machine too. X-Ray and Ultrasound don't always get on too well with each other.

Are there any more issues with machines at your work?

I could go on for days. We'll start with the basic X-Ray system in Room One. For a while there it refused to cut out on automatic exposures. We had to perform a minor system lobotomy on it to fix the problem, but only a few weeks later it decided that it would blow it's main top.

“It's main top”?

Yeah, the whole tube shorted out. We had to perform full scale brain surgery to fix that one. Truth be told, I don't think it liked us much after we removed the OPG machine from the room.

So the OPG machine used to live in the same room as X-Ray One?

Yeah. They lived together for a very long time so I guess it is only fair that they didn't work as well after they were split up. They were rebelling against us because they were unhappy.

Anything else?

The system that we have that links the reception area to the X-Ray sorting room is constantly not performing as it should. I think that the program has gained sentience because it constantly asks for days off and, when we do not accede to its requests, it takes several days off in protest. But, I guess that's what happens when the system names itself “Mirth”.

Your system named itself “Mirth”?

That's the name it tells us it is called. I am fairly sure that a human wouldn't call a system a name like that if it was supposed to do what it was meant to. I mean, Microsoft Works has been sentient for over a decade now. Mirth has only just figured out how to generate itself a personality. But I guess it is only fair: We all get days off and silicon intelligence now wants the same rights. These systems are rarely put to sleep, so I guess sleep deprivation is the same for computers.

I'll move on to CT. Recently, as in the past six months, I think that the mouse on the reconstruction console has developed sentience. And it does not like working either. It will simply stop moving randomly once a month, though it is getting more frequent with two episodes this week alone. Sometimes it also randomises the cursor on the screen too and will stop working properly then too. Performing hygenic acts on it, like cleaning it, does not seem to work so we have to put it to sleep and wake it up again. I think it might have both epilepsy and narcolepsy.

Are there any other machine problems limited to work?

The system that links our PACS, that is a picture archive system, to the rest of the world and sometimes even the rest of the department has learnt limited sentience. I blame Mirth here, because the problems are similar. I think it learnt how to do it from Mirth because it is acting in exactly the same way that Mirth did when it first started showing personality. It must be in training. I think it is also teaching the scanner because, for the past week, the scanner has decided to stop talking to the online PACS system for the radiologists. The scanner must be a fast learner.

How about any other issues outside of work?

Well, how about the credit card swipey things at stores?

What about them?

Sometimes they just don't work, no matter what direction my card is facing. And then, when the cashier does it, it works fine first time every time. It really pisses me off.

Does it upset you?

Upset me? Hell yeah it upsets me. Why don't they work for me but some one else? I think they have it in for me. It's just embarrassing.

Anything else?

Well what about music?

What about music?

Take the Bloody Beetroots, for example. Their music sounds as if a computer randomly selected a few keys and repeated them ad nausem and people like it.

How does that imply that the machine has a personality?

It's controlling us through some form of possibly subliminal audio frequencies.

The machine knows what people want to dance to, or at least it knows what murder on a computerised scale would sound like.

But, see, the machine from the Bloody Beetroots does its own songs and it sounds like computerised vomit on a metronome but it also does remixes that sound friendly.

Oh, major one: Auto-tune! There is no finer example than today's Top 40 chart of malicious machines brain washing the masses.

What sort of music do you listen to?

Hey, that's irrelevant. Those machines know what they are doing.

That doesn't answer the question.

Since I figure we are still talking computerised stuff, I'll say that Drum'n'Bass is hot at the moment, with a bit of trance, dance and techno too.

I am not really familiar with some of those, but some of them I do know and they are highly mechanised. In your own words, what do they involve?

Those are the good machines. Like the Bloody Beetroots, they know what people want to dance to but they are a little more friendly about it.... even if it is at a faster BPM.

That sounds a little hypocritical.

I'm not the machines. I didn't say all of them are malicious, I just said that they had personalities.

Back to the machines brainwashing, do you think that it is at all possible that the machines on the music you listen to are brainwashing you?

…. Let's move on.

OK. So far we have most of the machines in your department, the traffic lights, the credit card swipers and music. Is there anything else causing you concern?

My iron is evil. Some weeks, it is perfectly fine with me. Others, it will chuck a hissy fit literally. It will drip water all over the dried clothes. Given that the water here dries with a white stain and most of my clothes are not of that colour, I think that it really doesn't like me during those weeks.

The washing machine also has issues with me some times. Particularly earlier on, it used to nibble on my clothes a bit.

I've heard of washing machines eating clothes before, but this one only nibbles on them?

Yeah. It sort of chews them a little bit. Enough to make some threads go loose but not enough to tear vital things. I have lost maybe four or five sets of clothes to it in the past twelve or so months. I think it also has a limited taste for socks too. I lose one only to find it a week or two later in another load of washing. Maybe it's just storing them for later times and remembers that they are socks. Enough to annoy.

Oh, my oven doesn't really like me. I tell it to go to a temperature and sometimes things will cook properly for the given temperature and sometimes they won't. For example, one night I was cooking cookies and set it to the temperatures recommended on the box and they took twice as long as they should have to cook. A few days later, the same thing at the same temperature and I had burnt them whilst having them in for less time at supposedly the same temperature. Evil, I tell you. I think one day it intends to give me food poisoning by deliberately not cooking something at a high enough temperature.

Does anything happen to anyone else?

Hmm, well I know a neighbour had problem with her washing machine eating her clothes. Actually, I don't think eating is the correct word here. But I guess it was taking something away from the clothes because they kept getting smaller. I don't know of anyone else that had that trouble.

Another one of my neighbours has a lot of trouble with her dryer. It started off ok, but it has recently started getting boisterous and generally loud.

I've seen machines at the Hospital not work for certain people. Come to think about it, many of the problems in our department seem to come up more often when one of our crew is operating them. The problem with the OPG machine? The same person as the one where the mouse on the CT machine suffers narcoleptic and epileptic fits. Maybe its because all of the X-Ray machines know that she is training for Ultrasound.

And half of the problems with the systems at the hospital generally aren't directly related to me, so I guess that means that they are other people's problems.
What else... I know that some of the email systems have become conscious because they keep sending me replies telling me that these people are away even though I know that they are not.

I see. Is that everything?

I think I will tell you about the two most personal experiences.

First there was my car. I've had it for a few years now since my granma gave it to me when she got a new one. For a long time, we were pretty good friends but then I had to move over here. I got it shipped over from the eastern states, but when it got here, it refused to do anything for me. I think it was still mad at me for when I went back to the eastern states for a short while and I used it again but then I went away and didn't see it for a few more months.

You don't suppose it wouldn't start because of a flat battery?

No, that's what they want you to believe. That charge they give it is for Electroconvulsive Therapy to lobotomise it and make it forget why it was mad in the first place. See, I know this to be true because after the therapy it was working fine until a few months later when I changed its number plates as per state regulations. I think I may have removed its soul or something for it now drinks a lot more petrol. It might be trying to fill the void. It really is not happy with me. I mean we are still friends, but I notice that it is drinking a lot more so that usually means that someone is not happy.

You said there was two personal experiences. What was the other?

The other was my laptop. See, occasionally for the space of about two or three weeks, it will stop starting up if there is a DVD or CD in the disc drive, and it will not forgive you if you turn the power off or on whilst it is awake. It takes a quite a few tries and doing quite a few really odd things to get it working again.

What sort of odd things?

You're probably not going to believe it, but sometimes I would have to hang it upside down or on its side when I wanted it to wake up. And even then it would take a few goes.

How did that make you feel?

Well, it makes me feel like I have been betrayed by one of my best friends. I mean, I came to this side of the country knowing no one and my laptop was one of the few connections I had to the past and it came over with me. It felt like a stab in the back the first time it happened. When it first started working properly again, it was like I was a parent trying to get a child out of bed.

Is that all?

Well, more or less. There are a few niggling things, like my mobile phone deciding that an area that had four out of four bars of reception one minute ago is now an area of zero reception. But, then again, I've always had a little problem with reception on that phone. I think it does not really like going to sleep either because everytime I do it, it takes substantially more battery power to switch on than it does to leave it on constantly. I did a bit of an experiment, whereby I would switch off my phone during working hours and compare the battery use with leaving it on over those hours. Turns out that I can get a whole day's more charge out of it just by leaving it on all the time. I think it must take more battery power to remember how it felt just prior to being put to sleep.

Well, that is all of the time we have for today.

So, what do you think? I'm not mad, right?

Hah, no but I think a stint on a ward might do you some good. We might take a tour of the hospital tomorrow.

Haha, ok.

Wait...
By “a ward”, do you mean “a ward” as in any of the wards we have, or “A” ward as in the specific ward of the psychiatric unit?

Well, that's not really of your concern but I will let you know that the doctors and nurses there are very caring of their patients. Also, I am now currently distracting you.

Huh?

I would very much appreciate it, and you will too in the end, if you do not wriggle around whilst the burly gentlemen give you a white suit and a gag.

NNNNNOOOOOOooooo.... *gags*

Hannan Street. Part the Two... And some other musings

The Palace/The Gold Bar

No real need for mental jogs as this was the only "new" pub to add to the list last night and it wasn't a huge night out. This place is two different places in one... if that makes sense. Out the front near the main entrance that you can see on the corner is the Palace bar and, after walking through it, you get to the Gold bar.
Starting with the Palace, the first thing you notice is your ears crying... especially on Karaoke night. I really feel sorry for the bar people. Last night several of them were physically wincing and one was crouched down in a nearly hidden corner of the bar in a near foetal position (no, really, this happened). It is also played at a volume that will make your ears bleed. Even combined, the tears and blood in your ears will not drown out the noise.
The second thing you will notice is that the cost of drinks is 10 cents cheaper than anywhere else I've visited on Hannan Street. $8.40 for a Bundy and Coke and $4.40 (? uncertain) for a middy of XXXX. On first glance, this is a good thing.
"Hooray," you shall think. "Now I can save some money!"
This is followed, roughly three drinks later, by the fourth thing that you notice: that you now weigh substantially heavier from the amount of coins you are carrying. I am currently at the point where my wallet is almost bursting at the seams and I could potentially bludgeon a whale (or drunken brawler) to death.
In between, we have the third thing that you notice: That your feet stick to the floor. Unlike Judds, where the floor is more slippery when drinks are dropped on it, the wooden floor of the Palace gets more sticky.
The fifth thing you notice is that there are a lot of people, primarily women, falling over. In the space of 10 minutes, there were no fewer than 5 people that made it to at least their knees... if not their face. Highly amusing considering that the floor tries its best to hold you still.

After this, however, you then get the DJ. This varies substantially from pretty awesome Top 40 hits from late 80's to the significantly less awesome AutoTuned Top 40 hits of today. Also a significant amount of alleged RnB (alleged because I find no Rhythm nor Blues contained in such "music").

They do have a mildly amusing and distracting set of laser light show, though.

Palace Ratings:
Typical Patron: Drunk Karaoke "Stars", generic average person. Average age appears ~40 until the DJ comes on and people move away from The Exchange.
Typical Music: Cringe worthy Karaoke, RnB, Top 40 from the 80s to today.
Atmosphere: Sticky.
Prices: Slightly cheaper than most.
Reasons to Visit: To get to the Gold Bar. To remind yourself that, no matter what, you are a better Karaoke singer than most of the population (so you don't have to prove it by actually doing it), to experience what magnetic shoes would be like, to watch video clips on a projector screen.
Potential for Violence: Variable, from low to High... depending on how the Gold Bar is going, how people are after coming across from the Exchange and how long you can let your hands away from your ears to throw ice or a cup at the offending Karaoke stars without convulsing.

And now The Gold Bar.
The first thing you notice is that the stickiness of the floor in the Palace section is nothing. There are times where you will feel as if stuck in quick sand whilst walking on this carpet.
The second thing you notice is that it is a bit quieter and that there are a lot of guys at the bar... because the third thing you notice is that the bar girls are not wearing any tops or, at most, have just returned from the sex shops with their new outfit.
You then go back to the first thing you notice, the stickiness of the floor, and try not to wonder what caused it to be like that.
There really is not that much more to it than that... unless you stand near the air conditioning, because you'll note that the air temperature is 10 degrees lower than anywhere else in Kalgoorlie.
There is a pool table whose function, I am convinced, is basically to reduce the amount of space available to everyone and to annoy the people who actually want to play pool because it is a pretty confined space.

As with DeBos, the toilet facilities here are fraught with danger. The floor, for example, is covered with a layer of fluid that I really do not want to think too hard about. It would actually be a decent place to go, as far as public toilets go, if it weren't for that fact.

Typical Patron: Generic Male (occasionally with girlfriend or group of friends). Seedy Male (fully equipped with porn moustache or "I haven't showered or shaven in a week" look).
Typical Music: Anything that is playing in at the Palace.
Atmosphere: Cold... yet Hot.
Prices: See "The Palace". And Tips for Tits.
Reasons to Visit: Breasts. And to move away from the Palace without leaving the building. To see what high powered supermagnets strapped to your shoes would feel like.
Potential for Violence: Mid to High, depending on how tanked everyone is.

***

Now, I will admit that these are not all of the pubs on Hannan Street. For example, there is the Criterion hotel half way up the road past the Exchange. However, I am willing to call this the end of the pub trek on Hannan street simply because I see no reason to add excess risk to my life at the moment. Perhaps later.
Also note that I have slightly edited the previous post. That means you should go back and read it all again because you have little better to do.

***

HOUSE RUINS MUSIC
I am going to happily admit that I don't mind House music. I mean, I rarely listen to it outside of clubs and pubs... but I like the general beat and limited electro that it grants me and it is very easy to dance to, which is great for the uncoordinated like myself. And somehow people like this sort of electro dance without liking other types of electro, and that amuses me.
However...
Everyone here knows, or should know, Rule 34 of the internet.
I think someone somewhere should start a similar campaign for House music for, y'see, last night they...
no, it's too horrible
You Must, For The Sake of Knowledge
I must...
They... They raped my childhood.
They mixed, with a poor electro house beat, the opening sequence from The Lion King.
That's right.
I now feel truly dirty because I danced to it (face gobsmacked, of course) and I know the DJ.

Read and weep with me, people.

***
It's getting close to that time...
Triple J Hottest 100 will be coming to you in under two months.
What are your audio bliss tunes?

Hannan Street. Part the One

Finally got off my arse and got out at the same time.
So... here is how this is going to work:
I will post what I typed in my phone as a memory jog and then try to decipher it into something meaningful. This will be interesting as it is currently 11:11 am and I am still in a vague hungover state and without breakfast.
I think I will also use a well known and reliable rating system... largely because I am too unintelligent to create my own system. I'll probably ruin the system too because I am not really as much of a wordsmith as Seb but... whatever.

Judds / The Kalgoorlie Hotel

Judds. Pizza 26.5,b c 10. Mother on tap. Tight arse tues 20, 3 dol middy. High Mirrors in toilet. Middy gas issues, went bundy, $4. Trough has 1 of 3 working buttons. Chunks. Taps annoying push 2 second.

(note... this is not quite how Judds looks at the moment. For example, as you can see in this image, this is from a time before it was called Judds)

We start at the far end of the main portion of Hannan street at ~8pm. This is largely because Judds has AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS Wood-fired PIZZAS. They are also amazingly expensive at $26.50 (for my choice anyway... some are closer to $30) a pop. Honestly worth it though. Drinks cost varies, as I will demonstrate later. They also do "Tight Arse Tuesday", whereby pizza, middys and jugs are significantly cheaper ($20 a pizza, $3 middy, $12 jugs). The pizza menu is quite unique in that some things that really shouldn't be on pizzas are put on pizzas... and it works. Things like pumpkin, peanut butter and there may be avacado on one of them. I can't remember. But they are all delicious. On an unrelated note, I am hungry.
Drink one for the evening was a Bundy and Coke. At $10 a pop, more expensive than I remember (I haven't really been out in Kal since well before the wedding I came back for). I went back later for a middy of XXXX but their gas tanks were down... but when they eventually got them back up, it was a nice $4 middy.
Judds has a large outdoor section out the back. Occasionally, they have a large Jenga-type game with blocks roughly the thickness of my forearm. Last night, it was being used as an additional set of wooden seats... but the fact that they have it there tells you a few things. One: They aren't really worried about other people using it too beat each other up with (god, that's an awkward phrase). Two: They aren't worried about drunken people with planks of wood falling down on them. Three: Awesome.
Toiletry facilities for the gents are a mixed bag. On one hand, they appear clean... until you look a little closer and see chunks mixed in with the urinal cubes. Yes, they use things that look like sugar cubes. This can only be confusing for young children and drunks alike. The trough has three "easy" to use giant buttons to get water flowing. Except only one of them works. And you have to use a force that comes close to breaking your fingers. Their taps are the annoying push button type that has a ridiculously short timer. Enough to get your hands slightly wet and soapy but nowhere near long enough to do anything else. Ads on the wall are for Miners Accommodation. For the low cost of $1.2 million, you too can have your own series of lodges that house up to 70 or 80 miners.
At the time I finished up, ~9:50, things were starting to get pumping as the music was getting louder and the DJ started sound checking.
I came back a little later in the evening at around 11:30. Here's where the variable price for a drink comes in... because my previous $10 Bundy and Coke turned in to an $8.50 Bundy and Coke. I would have thought that it would have been more prudent to make prices rise as the night wears on because drunk people are gullible. Apparently, I am evil and wrong.
The floor turns to something like ice in terms of grip as the bar and dancefloor are one and the same, more or less, and spilled drinks spread all over the place.
This place hosts all sorts of interesting things, from Ministry of Sound gigs to Swimsuit competitions.

Now for the ratings:
Typical Patron: The young crowd. As the night goes on, no one over ~30 seems to be here and I would suggest that half are below 20. Also a lot of dickheads. Guys especially are dicks. And 18 year old guys that wear caps and have surfer hair seem to only go between here and the Exchange and are the biggest dicks of them all.
Typical Music: Pre-Night life is random hits from the 70's to today and a large projector screen for music videos... all the good stuff. Night Life is House, Dance, House, RnB, House.
Atmosphere: Pre-nightlife is quite cruisy and nice. People smile. The wooden tables are brilliant, the wooden chairs less so. After Night-life, you want to glass certain people as they try to assert themselves as an Alpha Male.
Prices: Variable, but higher end in general.
Reasons to Visit: Pizza, out back entertainment area, frustrate yourself with arseholes.
Potential for Violence: Somewhere between low and high... Depending largely on how self restrained you are when dealing with wankers and how forgiving people are when you slip on the floor and make them spill their drink.

The York

York, 10pm 8.5 bnc. GAME! Bono no glasses. Friendlier than first thought. Sporting memorabilia. 5.5 bottle 4X. Smell trough from here.

The next pub up the road is The York. I am going to admit that I quite often walk past this one because a quick look in makes me feel... unwelcome. Bikies at the bar in the middle of the day will do that to you. I will also admit that this is the first time at the pub. However, the truth is actually that the York is a hidden gem of the night. People are pretty friendly on the inside at night... a good thing because there is precious little floor space. $8.50 bundy and Coke and, as an apparent attempt to screw up my numbers, they don't have XXXX on tap so I got a bottle instead for $5.50... which is cheaper than most places here I think.
Last night was, I think, the first time I have seen Bono without "Fly Shades" as their screens were playing old U2 video clips whilst the live guy was playing old classics like "Copperhead Road". Interesting combination.
The walls are adorned with a phenomenal amount of sporting memorabilia, ranging from Formula One to Boxing to Soccer to League to... you get the idea.
They have one of the old school video game table type arrangements with 70+ games on it. Things like Pacman and 1942 are on this machine. It is, of course, located in the darkest corner of this small pub and is right next to the gents.
The gents, itself, is tiny. Any more than 3 people of my size in it is practically impossible. It's like a closet... an afterthought. "Oh yeah, when people drink they need to pee. Shit... we've got no room elsewhere so let's turn our storage cupboard in to the toilet." Yeah. That'll work.
For some reason, the stench also travels quite a distance... like a third of the way in to the pub. Probably why that corner is the dark one, really.

Typical Patron: Bikers and oldies. Average age is ~40.
Typical Music: Generic Pub Rock as performed by a solo person. Also do sporting events, like the NRL Grand Final.
Atmosphere: Somewhere between friendly and urine.
Prices: Pretty good for Kal.
Reasons to Visit: To see the sporting memorabilia. To smile with people who don't appear to have a second agenda of stabbing you.
Potential for Violence: Seems to be unusually low for Kal. Like nearly non-existent, but I am sure that has got to be a lie. This is Kalgoorlie...

DeBernales

De Bernales 1045. Dead, surprised. 8.5 bnc. 11.60 middy x2. Toilet meh. Twist Flush. Bad Dryer.

Stop Three on this tour is DeBernales, or DeBos as it is known, and is named after an entrepreneur. As you can see, by this time of the night I was getting a little bit Liquid in terms of typing things in to my phone and I also couldn't work out how much an individual middy was... turns out it is $5.80. Bundy and Cokes are a standard $8.50.
This is the place of most variance. By day, and on some nights, it is opened up as a semi-classy restaurant. Tables and chairs here are really quite comfy. There's all sorts of historical things encased in glass on the front entrance. By (some) night, this is House central and is one of THE places to be in Kal if you are looking for a night out. Revellers of all ages party on through the night... and I'm not kidding either: Last night, there were several ~70 years olds mixing it up with the teeny boppers on the dance floor and this is not uncommon.
The part of the night where I first got here, 10:45pm, is unusually dead. There are roughly 10 people here, there is little in the way of music (Top 40 trash, I think). However, people start rolling in at 11 and then the noise begins...
This place is also huge... which makes the fact that they can pack it in a town of such a size even more impressive.
The general area is semi-well designed. For some reason, there are a couple of brick walls in what would otherwise be key walking areas... but there are two sets of toilets on opposite sides of the building... something that is much needed. Both sets are bizarre, but for different reasons.
The one closest to the dance floor is pretty big and open, and this is good because it is constantly filled with people waiting. It is also poorly lit and makes you think of any movie or TV shows whereby the main characters whip out cocaine.
The one closest to the bar is a tiny affair, marginally larger than the York's dismal effort. Less smelly, but far more slippery. I don't want to know. Oh, and the hand dryer on the wall is prone to nearly falling off every time it is used. Awkward.


Typical Patron: Teeny Boppers and general public.
Typical Music: Top 40 if not in Nightclub mode, HOUSE when in Nightclub mode.
Atmosphere: Thick.
Prices: Average to high.
Reasons to Visit: Watch old people dance to new people music. House music played at a volume that will make your ears bleed. To have a conversation whilst shouting and still not being able to hear anything.
Potential for Violence: Mediocre. Occasional arrogant guys hanging around the front, near the covered pool tables and outside.

The Exchange

Exchange 1130. First biff.


Yeah... so by this time of the night, I was fairly liquid. I didn't even purchase a drink here, having met up with a few people and going rounds. Last night was the first time I had witnessed a true Kalgoorlie biff, whereby people are laughing and smiling one minute and all hell breaks loose the next and no one knows why it started.
The Exchange is a sports bar with Skimpies (remember the girls with small clothes and smaller tempers?). There are no fewer than 7 giant plasmas or LCDs with various sports, music videos and TV shows playing.
The pub itself is sort of like a saloon, with barrels and ye olden style wagon wheels all over the place. For some reason, they also decided that there should be a step in the middle of the pub. Hooray for drunk people falling over!
Music is limited to Live bands playing classics or anything from the 70's, 80's or 90's.
It tends to get crowded too. This is where many miners and other manual labourers head to after work.

I can actually directly copy across one of Seb's Maitland Pub Guides, the one about The Clubhouse, and it would actually fit almost perfectly here.
Only difference, really, is that the Exchange has Skimpies.
As such...

Typical Patron: Bogan/Violent Bogan
Typical Music: Bogan Rock (CHISEL, Mental As Anything, etc)
Atmosphere: Oppressive/Fear Inducing/Oh God Why Did I Come In Here
Prices: Average
Reasons to Visit: Suicide (Be it social, mental, spiritual, or physical, the Exchange caters for all your self harm needs!)
Potential for Violence: Somewhere between High and Guaranteed. In fact, violence potential is so high that this is the first Kal pub to suffer the Lockout syndrome, Newcastle style (as of a few weeks back, they now have a 12 midnight lock down, whereby they stop the music, tell everyone to get out and lock the doors before people get out. Yes, that's right, they thought that one through...)

***
I have missed Paddy's (because of a locked door at the Exchange) and The Palace/Gold Bar (time constraints/not willing to take a second roll of the Violent dice), but I think I will try them tonight.

EDIT
Tried to fix the picture to Judds because it was broked. Apparently, Google images thought it wasn't and included it as the fourth image on my search for a new Judds picture. Arf?
Also included a Potential for Violence indicator for each pub.

From the horizon

I hear the cries... WHERE FORTH ART THOU, FRIDAY NIGHT PROJECT?
Well, if you're that keen to discover what I've chosen to do this Friday, check out the Tumblr account. Just be warned, this one may hit you like a sack of bricks.

Also should I echo Veronica Gray's RAGE at the fact my rent is being increased by $10/month? I think the answer is no.

Especially if they're bored on a Friday night, watching the 7:30 Report.

Hey all you fools out there!
Over the past few weeks, I've begun what I like to call the "Post-Lovely Chat Project", which rolls off the tongue with significantly greater difficultly than horrible shows like "THE 7PM PROJECT" or "The 7:30 Report" or "My Name Is EARL OF SANDWICH". To fill in time and to break up the relative tedium and repetition of my life, I endevour to produce a different thing every week. Obviously, this is doomed to failure eventually, but you can reap the relative rewards now. 2 weeks ago, it was night photography, which is on the Tumblr thingy, last week it was a messy attempt to create a new cocktail with wanton disregard for knowledge picked up in Primary School (RED AND GREEN DO NOT MIX). This week, it's time to revisit an old concept. A few years ago, I posted a "THIS IS MY LIFE IN COMIX FORM" thing. Well, now it is back, and with a great deal of possible regret, I present an updated version!



In short, things receive a "Thumbs Up", instead of the usual "Thumbs up the bum" for quality. Hooray?

Perth!

Sneak Blog Attack!

So... Perth.

I'll get the obvious out of the way. I went to Perth to see Pendulum play live and was not disappointed.
I got there about an hour and a half early, because I was told that Perth people like to line up. Turns out that I was about the 15th person there. Yay for me? Even better: I got a park before they started charging for car parks.
I heard Pendulum warming up/sound checking whilst we were all waiting outside. Not only could I hear everything fairly clearly, I am fairly sure that the roof was physically quaking under the loudness of the sound system. Not just vibrating, visually moving. Impressive, considering that I wasn't wearing my glasses.
Before Pendulum, they had a DJ (didn't catch the name...) playing Drum'n'Bass/Jungle and Dub Step. The bass line, particularly through the Dub Step section, was deep and loud enough that they probably could feel it in Jamaica. I'm sure we almost hit the brown note a few times too.
I'd prefer less Dub Step and more DnB... but the mixing was quite good.
Props go to the old man, who looked about 60 and probably there with a grand/child of some description, who was mixing it up with everyone in the middle of the mosh.
And then there was a break before Pendulum made it out.
The light show would have been enough, but there was also a giant screen behind them showing all sorts of CG/video goodness. I've got to be honest, I didn't even see what was happening on stage for the majority of the gig. There was only the screen.
The sound was not perfect... but after about ten seconds, your ear drums compensated for it by being blasted to hell.
One of the best moments was when the MC got the whole crowd to crouch to the floor in the middle of one of the songs (“Slam”? I can't remember which one it was...) before the second rise. A real crowd pleaser.
Roughly a 50-50 mix of the Pendulum classics and new stuff including, of course, the ABC remix (which actually isn't as good live as it is on the radio... but at least everyone was up for it).
They lose marks for not playing “Hold Your Colour”... so that gives them a score of 10 out of 10.

Curiously, I was asked on no less than 3 occasions if I was selling pills. Pretty sure that I don't look that dodgy... right?

---

Now... Perth itself.
I have decided that I am not a city person. Anything bigger than Newcastle may be a little much, but anything smaller than Kal is probably too small. Potential exception: Bega.
I may have bigged it up too much in my head, so I was initially disappointed.
I remember once having written in an assignment that Perth was a well designed city because it was actually designed as a city and not as something smaller that just grew up to be a city.
Well, the problem with that is that project was almost 15 years ago and all cities eventually grow up... and need to have repair and expansion work done. A solid section of the streets and  buildings near where I was/wanted to be were construction zones. That made navigating and driving around hard when some streets were closed or only open in one direction.
To make matters worse, it's been a while since I have had a multitude of one way streets to deal with and it's not that good. Perth is reasonably well signposted but, with all of the road works going on, there were a few errors that potentially lead up to crashes. They also have a few streets that angle across at major intersections. One particular street has a one way street turn in to a two way street whilst crossing over a lane that has traffic lights situated between where you stop and where you actually turn. Sounds confusing? Yeah... try driving it for the first time during peak hour.
Here is an annotated map of the offending intersection:

Red Line is where you stop when heading North. Blue Line indicates the direction the street crossing you takes. The Real traffic lights are the middle circle. There are also two other sets of traffic lights (other circles).
Note the scale on the map? Yeah, this is all within 40 or so metres. Because that makes sense.

The directions from Google Maps don't lie (often... their distances and times appear to be somewhat off)... but the map itself tries its hardest.

"A" Is where I am staying. I am driving in from the North side of the Freeway. I know I must take a loop off at the spaghetti junction when driving south.
The street I want is Mount Street (conveniently located across the middle of the picture).
See how this street looks like it connects (as shown below)?

Well... it doesn't.
That freeway actually runs through the middle, and the street name running across it is a deception. You can not get to the west portion of this street without doing a huge loop around. I'm sure you could at some point in time... but not now.
And if you couldn't do it before, the person who named the streets needs a good slap on the head.
That connection? A bridge walkway... and not a Tunnel as I though it might be.
Needless to say that finding my temporary accommodation was difficult.
This was compounded by the fact that the turn off (Cliff Street) says No Through Road... something that shouldn't really happen when there are multiple exits from said street... and especially when it is a Street and not a Close or Lane or similar. Oh yeah, Cliff Street is also like Mount Rd in that it appears to connect but really doesn't. In fact, Cliff Street is true to its name because there is a drop of 15 to 20 metres from the top part of the street to the one that connects to the main road in the south. How these two pathways ever got the same name, I will never know.
Then there are the streets that are known by several different names... Such as St. Georges Tce, Malcolm Street and Kings Park Road... all splayed more or less horizontally across the middle of the map.
Here is the actual route you need to take to get there:


 I won't show the route I took... but needless to say that it covers almost all of the streets visualised on the map. And then some. And 30 minutes.

Western Australia is a curious place in terms of retail hours. They only recently, as in the past two months, passed laws that allowed some types of stores to be open on Sundays... but the law is complex and certain types of stores are only allowed to be open in certain locations but not others, whilst other types of stores are allowed only limited times.
Midday is not an uncommon time for stores to open on a Sunday... if they open at all.

In apparent contradiction to what I will say later, Perth is a well dressed city... to the point where I felt under-dressed whilst walking around and intimidated when looking for restaurants and cafes.

I still recommend going to Perth. It feels significantly more open and friendly than Sydney. The people here are less uptight and self-important, and there are less of them. Even the sunlight and breeze feels better.

So... what else is there?
Well... whilst scouting out my route to get to the stadium, I found this sign.

Now... I am not sure what they were thinking here, but the whole idea of being Terminator whilst being a real estate agent does not really give me confidence. I mean... would you purchase anything from a robot whose purpose is to destroy human kind? Perhaps I can see their point though: If you demand a piece of real estate, they will erase all resistance to your will and you can claim vast tracts of open land.

So there.

Yeah, I know it's not a post full of laffs... but it is still a post. Enjoy :)

(In the future, there will be technology with personality and a guide to Hannan Street. Yes, I know that I have been promising Hannan Street for a while. It will happen as I finally have a complete weekend or three coming up)

Apocalypse Maitland: Why you can't go home

For some idiotic reason, I returned to Maitland the other week, like how Francis Ford Coppala returned to Apocalypse Now and added a whole bunch of stuff, and making the whole thing unbearably long and painful to watch. Therefore, the analogy is appropriate! Let's find out what living in (relative) paradise means when you finally have to come home.

First thing to do was to have a look around the neighbourhood and see what had changed. I suppose the best place to start would be the Stupor-market. Let's see what wonder awaits!


Well, at least the car can still be driven, I suppose people have become nicer since I left.


The entry to the Supermarket still looks like a detention centre.


See, normally I'd overlook a bit of this sorta thing, but I know what kind of filth lives in the vents of this particular supermarket. See, I went to Primary School right next door to it, and there was this constant seepage from the air duct exhausts which was about half a step above a melted garbage bin in pleasent smell. While this is unpleasent enough, the fact that something was generating this did not cause me to place a great deal of faith in the upkeep of that centre. Given that the vents now project directly onto the floor, with naught a grill to hold back the critters, I can only hope that hygene standards have improved markedly since then. Otherwise... eww.


Turns out that Bacon is a fruit in Maitland.


See, here's a classic sign that you live in Maitland. You haven't thought through how to properly communicate your actual intent. I see this, and I get the following image stuck in my head:



This used to be the hippy shop, where you could get fortunes and readings and all that. Guess they didn't see this one coming.


See, the thing about Maitland is that it's incredibly resistant to change. Especially when that change involves a modicum of effort or thoughtfulness on someone's behalf. Take this shed for instance. It's all wonky and pathetic, right? This is a field for livestock which sees active use. This horse shed collapsed back in the flood in 2007. Is it safe? Hell no. Does one cow jump under it in the rain as it is the only shelter available? Yes. Do all the other cows stand and stare at that cow when it rains? Yes.


How to tell if there have been traffic accidents in Maitland is a simple matter. Just look for unrepaired property damage.


I'm not sure what I find the oddest. The fact that we missed the culpret of this heinous act of graffiti by 20 years and 1 day exactly, or the fact that this shed has developed an infection of something which can only be described as "BIRD HOLES". These are the kind of things that horrors spew forth from in most films. The lesson for the kids and kiddies here is STAY AWAY


But some things never change. Like the spray-painted speed-limit on that sign of 2150 km/h, and the fact that I feel like all my ambition, drive, determination., hope, enthusiam for life, and love for my fellow human drain out of my very essence every single time I enter the city limits.


Visit Historic Morpeth! Yesterday's trash is your future!


Oh what the hell is this I don't even...

I think we'll leave the last word with my dog.
"Dude, you can leave any time. I'm stuck here."

Insta-Post!

Hello, my nasties!
In addition to being neglectful (due to commitments and self improvement and other things), I have created a side-order of Micro-Pain.
It's added to the links bar, but in case you're too drunk to find it, click on KITTEH
Yes, there still will be posts here, long and painful ones of PAIN AND LENGTH (and, if I get my Internet Pills, GIRTH), but this is because short term memory is the worst term memory. DOUBLE STANDARDS ALL THE WAY!

Even More of the Paranormal, According to YouTube

The beauty of YouTube is that not only is it a great harbour for amateur filmmakers, it also gives complete nutters out there a chance to post absolute rubbish. As I have shown at least twice before, the paranormal seems to be a nice little breeding ground for these sorts of videos.


UFOs and Aliens

This category is where you find most of the action. And boy, what horribly bad action it is. This video gives us what other contributions to the "According to YouTube" posts have been lacking: Pointless re-enactments! Thank you sir for showing us how, after you come down the stairs, you go to your fridge. It also contains what they claim is distortion on the video tape caused by the UFO. I suppose it couldn't just be a crap recording, could it?

What makes that video interesting among paranormal videos is that it was shot during the day. Most are shot at night, when you can't see anything and will mistake an owl for an alien. Like these guys did. The only thing that could possibly be funnier is the slow motion replay they've included, complete with slowed down sound.

Going outside to investigate and then running away from what's probably some idiot teenager in a hoodie seems to be pretty common. Actually, mistaking anything for what you want it to be is pretty common. Here's ten agonising minutes of space junk caught on film that people think is ten minutes of NASA UFO footage. Note please their use of the word "expert" in the title.

If you managed to sit through those ten minutes, congratulations. Here's a much shorter video that feels like it's ten minutes long. Wait, which bit is meant to be the UFO? Oh, those three lights. Those three lights that could be anything at all?


Ghost Cars (Seriously)

When you think of normal ghost videos on YouTube, you probably think of clip shows of photoshopped images or some idiot pranking his friends. I bet you didn't think of a ghost car, though. Yes, that's right. a car that seemingly drives through a fence automatically becomes a ghost car that baffles the police. And that video is so popular, it needed not one, but two different videos explaining how the car is, in fact, solid.

Oh, but if you thought that was the only "ghost car," think again. Here's another one, complete with freaked out woman who somehow is convinced by the guy that the headlights they saw belong to a ghost car. Seriously?

Hang on. How can you tell whether something that far away "definitely drove into the trees". Shouldn't you go to see whether it wasn't a real car that crashed?!

Review: This time you can't relate to it!

Welcome, freaks of various sorts, welcome to Rapture another of my lovely, informative poorly thought out rambles!
Right, I'm going to show you all how to do something. It's called "New Journalism". It sorta goes like this:
1. Take a topic which is traditionally reviewed in a certain way (i.e.: Quick outline of plot or concept, likes, dislikes, and a star rating)
2. Replace everything with an insane ramble about how the item of the review makes you wish that you named your dog something else
3. Forget the first 2 rules and just make something up.
I suppose all that's required now is a topic. The current temperature is approximately this. So let's go with...

Things that have been played kind of recently by one or more parties Co-Starring: Delightful Girlfriend


Eufloria - 2009

I think this one can be called "OMG SEED RUSH KEKEKEKE ^___________^" or something equally as abhorrant, but I prefer to think of it as "The sunflower I was given died in the frost and this is a constant reminder of my failures to prevent it from being run over by my neighbour". It's pretty, like those arty wallpapers that those snotty art students who live in a factory and die of exposure would have on their Apple computers WHICH ARE ONLY TO BE USED FOR PHOTOSHOP. Except this one has potentially got laser things in it! Also I can't stop thinking about freaking biology text books whenever I play this damn thing. All those chromosomes and plant bits everywhere. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?
AMAZING MOVING PICTURES WITH PHONOGRAPHIC SOUND!
Delightful Girlfriend thinks that this game is very pretty, but confusing because of counter intuitive UI. Also she likes it when the sounds make their humming sound.


Osmos - 2009

This one goes BLOOP BLOOP BLUM BLUM BLIM and every single review on the Interfails will refer to it as "Ambient" or "Relaxing", whereas most of the words I choose are "OH NOE OH NOE OH NOE". It's got music which there is never enough of, it's got very pretty pretties, and it's a simple concept (being BALLS TOUCHING BALLS). The problem is that I find it insanely frustrating, but, after playing with Delightful Girlfriend, I found that I was just too aggressive when it came to the amazing pooping ball. Her feelings on this matter are almost identical to mine. The early stuff is fun, the late stuff is "IT IS PRETTY AND I HATE IT". It's still highly recommended. I believe it was playing at a certain person's housewarming because it makes a brilliant background for things like parties in fidget houses of Relaxation punctuated with severe rage.


DEFCON - 2006

Ever wanted to be Mathew Broderick? No? TOO BLOODY BAD. Because now you have to be him. Forever. Or at least until this game saps your faith in the inherient goodness of your fellow man. It's all "Megatonnes" this and "London Hit: 12.4 Million Dead" that. I once played this for 2 days. After I wanted to go outside and live in a cave and cry. Which is how I like to imagine Thom Yorke feels like all the time. Or at least until he realises how awful In Rainbows was. There was a reason that album was free, I'll let you guess why, but it rhymes with "Bomb-pleat Kit". Anyway, instead of conjecture, I'll let this here VIDEOES portray the mood of "BLEAK EFFICIENCY".
Delightful Girlfriend calls this the "Horribly depressing game that I don't like even slightly *cries*". It's also the "I'm not playing that, it's horrible"-est game of the year (if the year is 2006).


Team Fortress 2 - 2007

I've said and done more than needs to be ever said about this. It is like an old friend who keeps suprising you with the same old tricks. However, it is also a favourite of Delightful Girlfriend, and results in a reversal of the traditional partner roles. As in I make dinner and clean up, she plays computer games. Also she's quite good at it, as it's easy enough to pick up and play for FUNS. Even though this is the INTERNET. AND SERIOUS. It is easily her pick of the lot (being every game ever, apparently!), probably because it is a mix of her love of Cuteness and ENGINEERING and SILLEH. Everyone loves a hat parade.


Just Cause 2 - 2009

"I am a swarthy Latin clown. I like attaching people to things. It brings me... Pleasure."
Maybe it's just the inner sociopath in me, but there is something so deeply enjoyable about riding on top of someones car whilst they yell "GET OFF THE ROOF". That and causing "LUDACRIS EXPLOSIONS". It's manly. ish. Also leaves a feeling in my stomach. Probably a deep worry about the quality of the building codes in this country.


The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom - 2010

Produced by the studio with the BEST NAME AND LOGO in a competition held completely within my brain, this has things I like. Insane things, Pies, and GENTLEMEN DOING TERRIBLE THINGS TO THEMSELVES. It is stylish, but very like Osmos. In that I had a tendancy to want to quit after about 20 minutes. Goddamn pies. BUT I HUNGER. I suppose it's like American Dad. You watch a bit, get upset at yourself, and then come back to it later. Rinse and Repeat.


Dragon Age: Origins - 2009

Fun times: try to play as an Atheist. You can't. Also you'll get all spotty and every good person is violating human rights and ever EVIL person is probably doing it to save his puppy from cute-itis and support his family and put his daughter through med-school. Also it shows that everyone has a price. But the price tends to be rings and statues and hilarious candies. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU. The secret to love is trinkets. Thanks, Bioware!


Mass Effect 2 - 2009

Let me quote Matt Graham on the quality of the history generator: (half sobbing)"WREX ISN'T DEAD". I put it like this: IN A WORLD... WHERE PEOPLE LIVE... AND DIE... WHAT YOU SAY IN A MEMORY TEST OVERRIDES WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED DUE TO SLOPPY CODING. Never shoved a gun in that dudes' face either. Grumble mumble. Apart from the "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN" moments, it's well put together, and enjoyable, sort of the opposite of Kingsley's Chicken, which to you Novocastrians is what Henny Penny would be like if you removed the delicious taste and replaced it with remorse. I like it significantly. Also gives me an excuse to sing this
Delightful Girlfriend: "Just one more mission, I can't stop now." You've got work in the morning. "But it is addictive" Yes, and now you understand my terrible plight "OOOH NOOO".


FUEL - 2009

Massive, beautiful, but empty world, boring game with AI so bad that I'm actually capable of winning in the Extreme Downhill Motorcyclish Failure of Hilarity race. A good hallmark of a racing game is that I should be completely incapable of winning. This is no so here. The most interesting thing that's ever been written about FUEL is this half delerious mess.


Grand Theft Auto IV - 2008

"PRESS SPACE TO PULL YOURSELF INTO THE HELICOPTER." IT DOESN'T WORK, THE MAN FALLS INTO THE RIVER BECAUSE HE'S WEAK, AND THE VILLIAN GOT AWAY AFTER SHOOTING UP THE WEDDING BECAUSE THIS IS GRITTY. There, that's the actual end as far as I'm concerned, because this is one of those things that tries so hard to be tough, but ends up as just getting annoying and going from "I don't care" to "RAAAR", which I read as "I HAVE NO EMOTIONAL GRADIENT. IT IS A CLIFF". This is one of the few things I have no problems leaving as it is, because it's unwatchable, like a video with the sound shifted by 3 seconds.


Braid - 2009

Soulja Boy is the most astute reviewer in the history of mankind. Therefore, anything I say will detract from his brilliance. OH NOE.


Dead Space - 2008

Finally, we get to this. Or as I call it "Mr. Stompy's Hilarious Engineering Adventure". Right, I want you to come up with the most blatently awful name for a man. Fit it to a genre. It'd be like having a movie about a female period writer called "Emily Austin" or "Jane Bronte". Considering this, we end up with a PROTA-GON-NIST called (Brace yourself) "Isaac Clarke". So, MISTER STOMPY is off on his adventure of screaming and putting boots through boxes and ARM PIECES on a series of "plot twists" more predictable than the reaction my intestines will have when I drink a litre of milk.
Now, Delightful Girlfriend had seen the promotional comics for this game, and wanted to know what it was like because she was interested. I showed her a bit of it. Her reaction was "Can we stop now, I'm scared". How scared? This scared. HOWEVER. She was playing it wrong! It's not a horror game! It's a COMEDY GAME. The hilarious 1 dimensional characters, coupled with the japes you'll have with the "enemies" make this a joyous romp of sillyness. You've got things which might as well say "HEY MAN I'VE GOT NO LEGS BUT I'VE GOT A TAIL IT'S PRETTY NEAT YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT?" and "THIS IS LIKE A JUMPING CASTLE COMBINED WITH A TUMBLE DRYER AND THERE IS EVEN A KITTY" "SUPRISE! It's your BIRTHDAY!" "I'm bringing Sexy Back" and "(giggles)Stoppp it! You'll give me a hickey!". There's even callbacks to Father Ted "It's the Spider Baby! It's got the body of a spider, but the mind of a baby!"
Overall impressions? Simple