As you all know, I am one of the few who can rely on public transport (i.e. buses) to deliver me to and from the front of the Maths building at Uni. It seems, though, that I am the only one of us that travels between the Uni and the CBD (CBD defined here as "area in which the CBD fare-free zone for buses is", which may not necessarily be the same as "Central Business District of Newcastle").
Therefore, I have the unique opportunity of examining many of the possible bus routes. From my selected departure point in the CBD fare free zone, I can catch approximately 50% of the buses that pass through the University campus. Using experience and anecdotes, I will demonstrate why you should catch only one of these buses. At most.
The available bus routes can be divided into two categories: the 100/101/103/(108) category, and the 226 category. We will examine both of these separately.
100/101/103/(108)If I told you that these were all in fact the same route in disguise, you would call me a dirty liar because Travis can only catch one of these (I think). The truth is that I am not a dirty liar, because all of these routes essentially follow the same path from the CBD until they get to the University campus, and then decide to go off on their own adventures once they leave. Even the bus company agrees with me: their proposed changes to this category essentially involve replacing them all with one route number. The only exception to this rule is the 108, but since it only runs about four times a day at Inconvenient O'clock, I've never managed to find myself on it.
The main clientele of this category can be easily guessed when I outline the main attractions these buses go past. Once we've left the CBD, we soon hit the main TAFE campus. Then it's onward into the black heart of Mayfield (down Maitland Road past the main shopping complexes). Then, and only then, do we head on to the University.
If that wasn't a dead give-away, we'll break down what sort of person each of these areas is likely to attract. The TAFE attracts TAFE kiddies. TAFE kids are easy to spot. If the bus is relatively empty, they'll be sitting down, and so all you have to do is play Find The Emo. If other people are sitting in those seats, then just look for the punks who won't sit down, even though there are available seats next to someone else. Their lack of social skills are rivalled only by school kids.
The shops at Mayfield attract two, very different demographics: stereotypical bogans and stereotypical old people. The stereotypical bogans will smell like cigarette smoke and use a four-letter word every 2 seconds, regardless of their proximity to small children. In fact, the use of four letter words seems to increase as their proximity to a small child decreases. Some may even bring their own small children along, allowing you to experience the ultimate stereotypical bogan parent.
The bogan parent inadvertently allows their children to do whatever they please, because they have no parenting skills. The children, who are usually old enough to be in pre-school, have the ability to give screaming babies a run for their money on the "Irritating and Annoying Scale". If you don't get a bogan parent on the bus, you'll get a screaming baby, and vice versa.
Stereotypical old people need no description, but I'll describe them anyway. They wear stereotypical old people clothes (a couple of the old men look as if they have come from Stereotyipcal Old Europe, using walking sticks and/or wearing odd hats). If the bus should move while they're still standing up, your innards will seize up as you wait in horror for them to tumble over.
The University itself brings nondescript University students. Pick a random student in the Brennan Room, and they'd be a good representation of the type of people departing this bus as it rocks up to the Maths bus stop. Pick 50, and you'll probably have the people who got off this bus at University. So many people get off this bus at the Maths bus stop that it literally empties itself. If you happen to be one of the two people who got off at the Design stop, you will have departed quickly (probably to avoid the brewing assumptions of everyone else that you are doing a Bachelor of Arts).
But the worst part is what the bus brings to the Uni from the Great Beyond as we travel back to the CBD: punk school kids. Picture the worst school kid imaginable on a bus. Now picture 30 of them up the back, generating the most annoying rabble one can imagine. If you can help it, do not listen to their conversation. The combination of topic, language, and conversational style will make you want to cry.
Sometimes they sit down two-by-two, if they're sitting with a friend. If not, expect them to be standing in the door bay, getting whacked in the back by the door every time someone needs to get off the bus and causing everyone else to think there are no seats left (so they'll just stand in the aisle down the front, eventually creating a big long line back down to the driver). The standards in school uniform and general grooming seem to be lacking at best.
The 100/101/103/(108) also demonstrates several interesting phenomena: occasional Bad Bus Driver Syndrome, regular Lateness, and an apparent excess of Time Lords as passengers.
The bus route suffers from Bad Bus Driver Syndrome as it seems to be the route that all the bad bus drivers get put on (probably as punishment). They may drive too slowly, they may drive recklessly fast, and they may not pick up passengers at all (they've got to look like they want to get on for the driver to even consider slowing down). If you want to catch this bus, make sure you signal the driver, just incase.
Regular Lateness is something we've probably all come to expect from public transport, but a brief examination of other routes would suggest that they all arrive somewhat on time. Not so with the 100/1/3/(8). The times they print on the timetable for peak hour are the time you should leave your house to go to the bus stop. I have seen buses on this route systematically late due to a regular influx of nondescript University students. I have seen them be so systematically late that you're better off catching the bus that arrives 20 minutes later, because you'll arrive at your destination about 5 minutes earlier.
Having a regular influx of University students at the same time each week would imply that you would see familiar faces on the same bus each week, right? Wrong. No matter how many times you catch the same Uni-student-filled bus at the same time each week, you will never, ever see the same face twice. Apparently everyone who lives in the CBD (or at the very least catches a bus from the CBD) is a Time Lord who regenerates their physical form on a weekly basis.
There is one, very big saving grace for this category of bus routes. If you do manage to get on it outside of a peak hour (which actually isn't as hard as it sounds), then your trip to the CBD will probably be rather swift. It just may not feel very quick if a few bogans and TAFE kids get on along the way. That, and there's one of these buses about every 20 minutes at most.
226The second category of Buses That I Can Catch is, in many ways, the opposite of the first category. It doesn't follow main roads, it isn't full of punk school kids and bogans, there are familiar faces you see every day, and (believe it or not) it's usually on time. (I've only ever seen it horrendously late a couple of times.)
I once overheard the 226's sister route, the 225, described as "a leisurely stroll through the suburbs". The 226 isn't much better. It meanders out towards Broadmeadow Train Station before heading up past the Mater Hospital and on to the University. But somehow this can work to its advantage. No main roads means lighter traffic, less passengers, and thus a relaxing trip. It usually doesn't take all that much longer than the first category of buses.
It also goes past at least two schools (and I mean directly past them), and through Nine Ways, aka School Kid Central. But the 226 demonstrates a rare phenomenon known as the School Bus Paradox: hardly any school kids ever catch it, even when school is about to start or has just finished. See that big pack of 50 kids waiting at the bus stop? Only about 6 of them are going to get on.
The average number of school kids on this bus at any one time are along the lines of 3 in the morning, and zero in the afternoon. Those three in the morning are part of the wider clientele that is made up of regularly appearing humans, and not perpetually regenerating Time Lords. In fact, I've seen some of these people so often that I've unintentionally given them names (which are most likely NOT their real names):
If one catches the 226 to arrive at Uni for a 9 a.m. class, you are likely to encounter
David Stratton, a man who bears an uncanny resemblance to the well known film critic. Sadly, he is not accompanied by a Margaret Pomeranz look-alike.
On the same bus, you are also likely to encounter the
School Kid Trio, also known individually (in my head, anyway) as
Cathy,
Teigan, and
Tom. Some among you might find those names awfully familiar, and with good reason. "Cathy" and "Teigan" are so named because one is a redhead, one is a brunette (who looks a little like her namesake, if one were to age the Real Teigan backward 10 years), and they are never, ever seen separately (just like the real ones). Tom is a logical extension, as he also looks like the Tom-aged-10-years-backwards who would hang around the former two. Yes, it's complicated, but I'm confident that at the very least Seb will know what I'm talking about.
There are also a few people who make appearances on a less regular basis, ranging from "Appears somewhat regularly" to "I've only seen you a coupe of times but I still know who you are". The School Kid Trio are also sometimes accompanied by a fourth member and her mother. I have yet to actually give these two names, but they are starting to make so many appearances a name is inevitable.
A fifth, older school kid (probably in the first years of high school) also sometimes catches the bus. I have decided to call her
Shelly, because she always seems so detached from the world and curled up in her own little protective shell.
David Stratton is occasionally accompanied by
Rat-Tail Man (yes,
this sort of rat-tail), and you may occasionally see
Re-l among one of the 20 people who get on at Broadmeadow Station. (
Re-l Who?)
The other 19 people who get on at Broadmeadow Station are the typical sort of University student you are likely to encounter on this bus. You know those hippies that hand out fliers out between the Maths Bus Stop and the Maths building telling us to be a more active, politically aware student who writes to Opus every day? You know, the ones that block your way to getting to anywhere on campus? That's what these other 19 people look like they should be doing or, worse still, want to be doing.
ConclusionsSo which of these buses, if any, should you catch if ever you need to travel between the CBD and University? Well, as Tim rightly pointed out in his debut post on his
new Blogger-based blog, public transport is a mess (although I may have paraphrased a bit). If they can't even get Sydney right, then quite frankly you shouldn't be catching a bus at all.
But it's not all bad. Yes, if you are an inexperienced bus traveller who freaks out when you see the same bus in front of you because the one that should have arrived 30 minutes ago is half an hour late, then you are going to loathe using public transport. But if you choose to catch buses on a regular basis, you'll eventually learn how to cheat the system and get where you want to go on time with a minimum of hassle.
In other words, make a schedule for the day, plan ahead, and catch the 226. They put all the good, comfy, air-conditioned buses on that route.
Figure 1: Hey Kids! It's everyone's favourite monstorsity, El Pollo Diablo
Figure 1: Hey Kids! It's everyone's favourite monstorsity, El Pollo Diablo.jpg)
Figure 2: My 2nd favourite bumper sticker encountered at uni. First place goes to "NERD PRIDE"
Figure 3: Yes, you read it right. "Fancy Rats".
Figure 4: Jimmy Carter Vs. The Swamp Rabbit
Figure 5: And here was me thinking that Donnie Darko was set during Halloween (Hint: IT IS).
