Hello, my nasties!
In addition to being neglectful (due to commitments and self improvement and other things), I have created a side-order of Micro-Pain.
It's added to the links bar, but in case you're too drunk to find it, click on KITTEH
Yes, there still will be posts here, long and painful ones of PAIN AND LENGTH (and, if I get my Internet Pills, GIRTH), but this is because short term memory is the worst term memory. DOUBLE STANDARDS ALL THE WAY!
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Even More of the Paranormal, According to YouTube
The beauty of YouTube is that not only is it a great harbour for amateur filmmakers, it also gives complete nutters out there a chance to post absolute rubbish. As I have shown at least twice before, the paranormal seems to be a nice little breeding ground for these sorts of videos.
UFOs and Aliens
This category is where you find most of the action. And boy, what horribly bad action it is. This video gives us what other contributions to the "According to YouTube" posts have been lacking: Pointless re-enactments! Thank you sir for showing us how, after you come down the stairs, you go to your fridge. It also contains what they claim is distortion on the video tape caused by the UFO. I suppose it couldn't just be a crap recording, could it?
What makes that video interesting among paranormal videos is that it was shot during the day. Most are shot at night, when you can't see anything and will mistake an owl for an alien. Like these guys did. The only thing that could possibly be funnier is the slow motion replay they've included, complete with slowed down sound.
Going outside to investigate and then running away from what's probably some idiot teenager in a hoodie seems to be pretty common. Actually, mistaking anything for what you want it to be is pretty common. Here's ten agonising minutes of space junk caught on film that people think is ten minutes of NASA UFO footage. Note please their use of the word "expert" in the title.
If you managed to sit through those ten minutes, congratulations. Here's a much shorter video that feels like it's ten minutes long. Wait, which bit is meant to be the UFO? Oh, those three lights. Those three lights that could be anything at all?
Ghost Cars (Seriously)
When you think of normal ghost videos on YouTube, you probably think of clip shows of photoshopped images or some idiot pranking his friends. I bet you didn't think of a ghost car, though. Yes, that's right. a car that seemingly drives through a fence automatically becomes a ghost car that baffles the police. And that video is so popular, it needed not one, but two different videos explaining how the car is, in fact, solid.
Oh, but if you thought that was the only "ghost car," think again. Here's another one, complete with freaked out woman who somehow is convinced by the guy that the headlights they saw belong to a ghost car. Seriously?
Hang on. How can you tell whether something that far away "definitely drove into the trees". Shouldn't you go to see whether it wasn't a real car that crashed?!
UFOs and Aliens
This category is where you find most of the action. And boy, what horribly bad action it is. This video gives us what other contributions to the "According to YouTube" posts have been lacking: Pointless re-enactments! Thank you sir for showing us how, after you come down the stairs, you go to your fridge. It also contains what they claim is distortion on the video tape caused by the UFO. I suppose it couldn't just be a crap recording, could it?
What makes that video interesting among paranormal videos is that it was shot during the day. Most are shot at night, when you can't see anything and will mistake an owl for an alien. Like these guys did. The only thing that could possibly be funnier is the slow motion replay they've included, complete with slowed down sound.
Going outside to investigate and then running away from what's probably some idiot teenager in a hoodie seems to be pretty common. Actually, mistaking anything for what you want it to be is pretty common. Here's ten agonising minutes of space junk caught on film that people think is ten minutes of NASA UFO footage. Note please their use of the word "expert" in the title.
If you managed to sit through those ten minutes, congratulations. Here's a much shorter video that feels like it's ten minutes long. Wait, which bit is meant to be the UFO? Oh, those three lights. Those three lights that could be anything at all?
Ghost Cars (Seriously)
When you think of normal ghost videos on YouTube, you probably think of clip shows of photoshopped images or some idiot pranking his friends. I bet you didn't think of a ghost car, though. Yes, that's right. a car that seemingly drives through a fence automatically becomes a ghost car that baffles the police. And that video is so popular, it needed not one, but two different videos explaining how the car is, in fact, solid.
Oh, but if you thought that was the only "ghost car," think again. Here's another one, complete with freaked out woman who somehow is convinced by the guy that the headlights they saw belong to a ghost car. Seriously?
Hang on. How can you tell whether something that far away "definitely drove into the trees". Shouldn't you go to see whether it wasn't a real car that crashed?!
Monday, 5 July 2010
Review: This time you can't relate to it!
Welcome, freaks of various sorts, welcome to Rapture another of my lovely, informative poorly thought out rambles!
Right, I'm going to show you all how to do something. It's called "New Journalism". It sorta goes like this:
1. Take a topic which is traditionally reviewed in a certain way (i.e.: Quick outline of plot or concept, likes, dislikes, and a star rating)
2. Replace everything with an insane ramble about how the item of the review makes you wish that you named your dog something else
3. Forget the first 2 rules and just make something up.
I suppose all that's required now is a topic. The current temperature is approximately this. So let's go with...
Things that have been played kind of recently by one or more parties Co-Starring: Delightful Girlfriend
Eufloria - 2009
I think this one can be called "OMG SEED RUSH KEKEKEKE ^___________^" or something equally as abhorrant, but I prefer to think of it as "The sunflower I was given died in the frost and this is a constant reminder of my failures to prevent it from being run over by my neighbour". It's pretty, like those arty wallpapers that those snotty art students who live in a factory and die of exposure would have on their Apple computers WHICH ARE ONLY TO BE USED FOR PHOTOSHOP. Except this one has potentially got laser things in it! Also I can't stop thinking about freaking biology text books whenever I play this damn thing. All those chromosomes and plant bits everywhere. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?
AMAZING MOVING PICTURES WITH PHONOGRAPHIC SOUND!
Delightful Girlfriend thinks that this game is very pretty, but confusing because of counter intuitive UI. Also she likes it when the sounds make their humming sound.
Osmos - 2009
This one goes BLOOP BLOOP BLUM BLUM BLIM and every single review on the Interfails will refer to it as "Ambient" or "Relaxing", whereas most of the words I choose are "OH NOE OH NOE OH NOE". It's got music which there is never enough of, it's got very pretty pretties, and it's a simple concept (being BALLS TOUCHING BALLS). The problem is that I find it insanely frustrating, but, after playing with Delightful Girlfriend, I found that I was just too aggressive when it came to the amazing pooping ball. Her feelings on this matter are almost identical to mine. The early stuff is fun, the late stuff is "IT IS PRETTY AND I HATE IT". It's still highly recommended. I believe it was playing at a certain person's housewarming because it makes a brilliant background for things like parties in fidget houses of Relaxation punctuated with severe rage.
DEFCON - 2006
Ever wanted to be Mathew Broderick? No? TOO BLOODY BAD. Because now you have to be him. Forever. Or at least until this game saps your faith in the inherient goodness of your fellow man. It's all "Megatonnes" this and "London Hit: 12.4 Million Dead" that. I once played this for 2 days. After I wanted to go outside and live in a cave and cry. Which is how I like to imagine Thom Yorke feels like all the time. Or at least until he realises how awful In Rainbows was. There was a reason that album was free, I'll let you guess why, but it rhymes with "Bomb-pleat Kit". Anyway, instead of conjecture, I'll let this here VIDEOES portray the mood of "BLEAK EFFICIENCY".
Delightful Girlfriend calls this the "Horribly depressing game that I don't like even slightly *cries*". It's also the "I'm not playing that, it's horrible"-est game of the year (if the year is 2006).
Team Fortress 2 - 2007
I've said and done more than needs to be ever said about this. It is like an old friend who keeps suprising you with the same old tricks. However, it is also a favourite of Delightful Girlfriend, and results in a reversal of the traditional partner roles. As in I make dinner and clean up, she plays computer games. Also she's quite good at it, as it's easy enough to pick up and play for FUNS. Even though this is the INTERNET. AND SERIOUS. It is easily her pick of the lot (being every game ever, apparently!), probably because it is a mix of her love of Cuteness and ENGINEERING and SILLEH. Everyone loves a hat parade.
Just Cause 2 - 2009
"I am a swarthy Latin clown. I like attaching people to things. It brings me... Pleasure."
Maybe it's just the inner sociopath in me, but there is something so deeply enjoyable about riding on top of someones car whilst they yell "GET OFF THE ROOF". That and causing "LUDACRIS EXPLOSIONS". It's manly. ish. Also leaves a feeling in my stomach. Probably a deep worry about the quality of the building codes in this country.
The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom - 2010
Produced by the studio with the BEST NAME AND LOGO in a competition held completely within my brain, this has things I like. Insane things, Pies, and GENTLEMEN DOING TERRIBLE THINGS TO THEMSELVES. It is stylish, but very like Osmos. In that I had a tendancy to want to quit after about 20 minutes. Goddamn pies. BUT I HUNGER. I suppose it's like American Dad. You watch a bit, get upset at yourself, and then come back to it later. Rinse and Repeat.
Dragon Age: Origins - 2009
Fun times: try to play as an Atheist. You can't. Also you'll get all spotty and every good person is violating human rights and ever EVIL person is probably doing it to save his puppy from cute-itis and support his family and put his daughter through med-school. Also it shows that everyone has a price. But the price tends to be rings and statues and hilarious candies. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU. The secret to love is trinkets. Thanks, Bioware!
Mass Effect 2 - 2009
Let me quote Matt Graham on the quality of the history generator: (half sobbing)"WREX ISN'T DEAD". I put it like this: IN A WORLD... WHERE PEOPLE LIVE... AND DIE... WHAT YOU SAY IN A MEMORY TEST OVERRIDES WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED DUE TO SLOPPY CODING. Never shoved a gun in that dudes' face either. Grumble mumble. Apart from the "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN" moments, it's well put together, and enjoyable, sort of the opposite of Kingsley's Chicken, which to you Novocastrians is what Henny Penny would be like if you removed the delicious taste and replaced it with remorse. I like it significantly. Also gives me an excuse to sing this
Delightful Girlfriend: "Just one more mission, I can't stop now." You've got work in the morning. "But it is addictive" Yes, and now you understand my terrible plight "OOOH NOOO".
FUEL - 2009
Massive, beautiful, but empty world, boring game with AI so bad that I'm actually capable of winning in the Extreme Downhill Motorcyclish Failure of Hilarity race. A good hallmark of a racing game is that I should be completely incapable of winning. This is no so here. The most interesting thing that's ever been written about FUEL is this half delerious mess.
Grand Theft Auto IV - 2008
"PRESS SPACE TO PULL YOURSELF INTO THE HELICOPTER." IT DOESN'T WORK, THE MAN FALLS INTO THE RIVER BECAUSE HE'S WEAK, AND THE VILLIAN GOT AWAY AFTER SHOOTING UP THE WEDDING BECAUSE THIS IS GRITTY. There, that's the actual end as far as I'm concerned, because this is one of those things that tries so hard to be tough, but ends up as just getting annoying and going from "I don't care" to "RAAAR", which I read as "I HAVE NO EMOTIONAL GRADIENT. IT IS A CLIFF". This is one of the few things I have no problems leaving as it is, because it's unwatchable, like a video with the sound shifted by 3 seconds.
Braid - 2009
Soulja Boy is the most astute reviewer in the history of mankind. Therefore, anything I say will detract from his brilliance. OH NOE.
Dead Space - 2008
Finally, we get to this. Or as I call it "Mr. Stompy's Hilarious Engineering Adventure". Right, I want you to come up with the most blatently awful name for a man. Fit it to a genre. It'd be like having a movie about a female period writer called "Emily Austin" or "Jane Bronte". Considering this, we end up with a PROTA-GON-NIST called (Brace yourself) "Isaac Clarke". So, MISTER STOMPY is off on his adventure of screaming and putting boots through boxes and ARM PIECES on a series of "plot twists" more predictable than the reaction my intestines will have when I drink a litre of milk.
Now, Delightful Girlfriend had seen the promotional comics for this game, and wanted to know what it was like because she was interested. I showed her a bit of it. Her reaction was "Can we stop now, I'm scared". How scared? This scared. HOWEVER. She was playing it wrong! It's not a horror game! It's a COMEDY GAME. The hilarious 1 dimensional characters, coupled with the japes you'll have with the "enemies" make this a joyous romp of sillyness. You've got things which might as well say "HEY MAN I'VE GOT NO LEGS BUT I'VE GOT A TAIL IT'S PRETTY NEAT YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT?" and "THIS IS LIKE A JUMPING CASTLE COMBINED WITH A TUMBLE DRYER AND THERE IS EVEN A KITTY" "SUPRISE! It's your BIRTHDAY!" "I'm bringing Sexy Back" and "(giggles)Stoppp it! You'll give me a hickey!". There's even callbacks to Father Ted "It's the Spider Baby! It's got the body of a spider, but the mind of a baby!"
Overall impressions? Simple
Right, I'm going to show you all how to do something. It's called "New Journalism". It sorta goes like this:
1. Take a topic which is traditionally reviewed in a certain way (i.e.: Quick outline of plot or concept, likes, dislikes, and a star rating)
2. Replace everything with an insane ramble about how the item of the review makes you wish that you named your dog something else
3. Forget the first 2 rules and just make something up.
I suppose all that's required now is a topic. The current temperature is approximately this. So let's go with...
Things that have been played kind of recently by one or more parties Co-Starring: Delightful Girlfriend
Eufloria - 2009
I think this one can be called "OMG SEED RUSH KEKEKEKE ^___________^" or something equally as abhorrant, but I prefer to think of it as "The sunflower I was given died in the frost and this is a constant reminder of my failures to prevent it from being run over by my neighbour". It's pretty, like those arty wallpapers that those snotty art students who live in a factory and die of exposure would have on their Apple computers WHICH ARE ONLY TO BE USED FOR PHOTOSHOP. Except this one has potentially got laser things in it! Also I can't stop thinking about freaking biology text books whenever I play this damn thing. All those chromosomes and plant bits everywhere. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?
AMAZING MOVING PICTURES WITH PHONOGRAPHIC SOUND!
Delightful Girlfriend thinks that this game is very pretty, but confusing because of counter intuitive UI. Also she likes it when the sounds make their humming sound.
Osmos - 2009
This one goes BLOOP BLOOP BLUM BLUM BLIM and every single review on the Interfails will refer to it as "Ambient" or "Relaxing", whereas most of the words I choose are "OH NOE OH NOE OH NOE". It's got music which there is never enough of, it's got very pretty pretties, and it's a simple concept (being BALLS TOUCHING BALLS). The problem is that I find it insanely frustrating, but, after playing with Delightful Girlfriend, I found that I was just too aggressive when it came to the amazing pooping ball. Her feelings on this matter are almost identical to mine. The early stuff is fun, the late stuff is "IT IS PRETTY AND I HATE IT". It's still highly recommended. I believe it was playing at a certain person's housewarming because it makes a brilliant background for things like parties in fidget houses of Relaxation punctuated with severe rage.
DEFCON - 2006
Ever wanted to be Mathew Broderick? No? TOO BLOODY BAD. Because now you have to be him. Forever. Or at least until this game saps your faith in the inherient goodness of your fellow man. It's all "Megatonnes" this and "London Hit: 12.4 Million Dead" that. I once played this for 2 days. After I wanted to go outside and live in a cave and cry. Which is how I like to imagine Thom Yorke feels like all the time. Or at least until he realises how awful In Rainbows was. There was a reason that album was free, I'll let you guess why, but it rhymes with "Bomb-pleat Kit". Anyway, instead of conjecture, I'll let this here VIDEOES portray the mood of "BLEAK EFFICIENCY".
Delightful Girlfriend calls this the "Horribly depressing game that I don't like even slightly *cries*". It's also the "I'm not playing that, it's horrible"-est game of the year (if the year is 2006).
Team Fortress 2 - 2007
I've said and done more than needs to be ever said about this. It is like an old friend who keeps suprising you with the same old tricks. However, it is also a favourite of Delightful Girlfriend, and results in a reversal of the traditional partner roles. As in I make dinner and clean up, she plays computer games. Also she's quite good at it, as it's easy enough to pick up and play for FUNS. Even though this is the INTERNET. AND SERIOUS. It is easily her pick of the lot (being every game ever, apparently!), probably because it is a mix of her love of Cuteness and ENGINEERING and SILLEH. Everyone loves a hat parade.
Just Cause 2 - 2009
"I am a swarthy Latin clown. I like attaching people to things. It brings me... Pleasure."
Maybe it's just the inner sociopath in me, but there is something so deeply enjoyable about riding on top of someones car whilst they yell "GET OFF THE ROOF". That and causing "LUDACRIS EXPLOSIONS". It's manly. ish. Also leaves a feeling in my stomach. Probably a deep worry about the quality of the building codes in this country.
The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom - 2010
Produced by the studio with the BEST NAME AND LOGO in a competition held completely within my brain, this has things I like. Insane things, Pies, and GENTLEMEN DOING TERRIBLE THINGS TO THEMSELVES. It is stylish, but very like Osmos. In that I had a tendancy to want to quit after about 20 minutes. Goddamn pies. BUT I HUNGER. I suppose it's like American Dad. You watch a bit, get upset at yourself, and then come back to it later. Rinse and Repeat.
Dragon Age: Origins - 2009
Fun times: try to play as an Atheist. You can't. Also you'll get all spotty and every good person is violating human rights and ever EVIL person is probably doing it to save his puppy from cute-itis and support his family and put his daughter through med-school. Also it shows that everyone has a price. But the price tends to be rings and statues and hilarious candies. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU. The secret to love is trinkets. Thanks, Bioware!
Mass Effect 2 - 2009
Let me quote Matt Graham on the quality of the history generator: (half sobbing)"WREX ISN'T DEAD". I put it like this: IN A WORLD... WHERE PEOPLE LIVE... AND DIE... WHAT YOU SAY IN A MEMORY TEST OVERRIDES WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED DUE TO SLOPPY CODING. Never shoved a gun in that dudes' face either. Grumble mumble. Apart from the "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN" moments, it's well put together, and enjoyable, sort of the opposite of Kingsley's Chicken, which to you Novocastrians is what Henny Penny would be like if you removed the delicious taste and replaced it with remorse. I like it significantly. Also gives me an excuse to sing this
Delightful Girlfriend: "Just one more mission, I can't stop now." You've got work in the morning. "But it is addictive" Yes, and now you understand my terrible plight "OOOH NOOO".
FUEL - 2009
Massive, beautiful, but empty world, boring game with AI so bad that I'm actually capable of winning in the Extreme Downhill Motorcyclish Failure of Hilarity race. A good hallmark of a racing game is that I should be completely incapable of winning. This is no so here. The most interesting thing that's ever been written about FUEL is this half delerious mess.
Grand Theft Auto IV - 2008
"PRESS SPACE TO PULL YOURSELF INTO THE HELICOPTER." IT DOESN'T WORK, THE MAN FALLS INTO THE RIVER BECAUSE HE'S WEAK, AND THE VILLIAN GOT AWAY AFTER SHOOTING UP THE WEDDING BECAUSE THIS IS GRITTY. There, that's the actual end as far as I'm concerned, because this is one of those things that tries so hard to be tough, but ends up as just getting annoying and going from "I don't care" to "RAAAR", which I read as "I HAVE NO EMOTIONAL GRADIENT. IT IS A CLIFF". This is one of the few things I have no problems leaving as it is, because it's unwatchable, like a video with the sound shifted by 3 seconds.
Braid - 2009
Soulja Boy is the most astute reviewer in the history of mankind. Therefore, anything I say will detract from his brilliance. OH NOE.
Dead Space - 2008
Finally, we get to this. Or as I call it "Mr. Stompy's Hilarious Engineering Adventure". Right, I want you to come up with the most blatently awful name for a man. Fit it to a genre. It'd be like having a movie about a female period writer called "Emily Austin" or "Jane Bronte". Considering this, we end up with a PROTA-GON-NIST called (Brace yourself) "Isaac Clarke". So, MISTER STOMPY is off on his adventure of screaming and putting boots through boxes and ARM PIECES on a series of "plot twists" more predictable than the reaction my intestines will have when I drink a litre of milk.
Now, Delightful Girlfriend had seen the promotional comics for this game, and wanted to know what it was like because she was interested. I showed her a bit of it. Her reaction was "Can we stop now, I'm scared". How scared? This scared. HOWEVER. She was playing it wrong! It's not a horror game! It's a COMEDY GAME. The hilarious 1 dimensional characters, coupled with the japes you'll have with the "enemies" make this a joyous romp of sillyness. You've got things which might as well say "HEY MAN I'VE GOT NO LEGS BUT I'VE GOT A TAIL IT'S PRETTY NEAT YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT?" and "THIS IS LIKE A JUMPING CASTLE COMBINED WITH A TUMBLE DRYER AND THERE IS EVEN A KITTY" "SUPRISE! It's your BIRTHDAY!" "I'm bringing Sexy Back" and "(giggles)Stoppp it! You'll give me a hickey!". There's even callbacks to Father Ted "It's the Spider Baby! It's got the body of a spider, but the mind of a baby!"
Overall impressions? Simple
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Kalgoorlie: More Phails and then some Win OR Why did I decide to make blog titles like this a tradition?
Maybe because I couldn't help myself... or perhaps the madness is spreading.
Delays due to the previous post of Lambie's sister site with movie discussions.
I am going to start where I finished off last time.
This is because a few weeks ago I had found something funnier than the obvious.
Now, on the outlook, this is a pretty funny sign, I am sure you will agree.
What makes it funnier is that it tells you to call someone... without giving a phone number. You may say that it is an old sign, which is true, and that the number has faded off. I have closely inspected this sign, and it appears as if there never was any number on the sign to begin with. This sign has just recently been taken down after spending apparently 10+ years up at the centre (like most of the other signs). How they ever expected others to call them without giving a phone number is beyond me... but it seems like par for the course here.
And, speaking of golf terminology, they have two golf courses here and are putting another one in. Actually, that's a lie. They have two and 2/18ths of a golf course.
"Huh? How does that work?" I'm glad you asked.
They have two proper golf courses... and part of one that makes up two holes of the "Nullabor Links", where the idea is to play a few holes of golf at several different towns along the way to make up the 18 holes.
This is the picture of the course at the bottom end of Boulder:
And here is a picture of the higher class course at the top end of Kal:
The following is not directly Kal related, but more a stab at the hospital-bureaucracy-gone-mad. In the time I have been in Kal (four and a half months), there have been THREE new WA Health managerial type positions/departments created. That brings the system up to roughly a metric bus load of Managerial positions, of which only three, maybe four, are directly related to health. The rest of it is trying to run the hospitals like a business.
Here's a hint on how to save money, ailing health system: Stop creating new bureaucratic positions so you don't have to spend more on redeveloping people, paying additional managers (and so additional manager salaries) and creating inane announcements about the wonderful new positions you have opened up.
I refer to you to Parkinson's Law and the Coefficient of Inefficiency. Here, the more people employed in a bureaucratic position the less work gets done. Anyone who is vaguely interested should take also a look at this short study in pdf format. Highly amusing.
Speaking of business, I present to you an image of the Kalgoorlie Business Development Centre, as opened in 2003.
Apparently, Kalgoorlie is not going to have many developed businesses any time soon.
Actually, that's the thing here: A lot of businesses, primarily retail shops and cafes, come and go. Since I have been here, there have been at least five stores put up "Store for Sale" signs and/or gone out of business and/or been redeveloped. Speaking to one of the locals, this appears to be the norm. It is apparently not unusual for a business here to last only a few months before having to pack up.
Kalgoorlie is full of history and the main street is interesting.
This is the old clock tower that has been up since the late 1800s, i think. As with many old towns/towers, it has bells that go off on the hour. Unlike most towers I know, however, it will also randomly ring during the hour. Occasionally it is at half hour intervals, which is fair enough, but sometimes it is at quarter hour, or near enough (like 20 past), intervals. No one has given me a reasonable explanation as to why this is the case.
More Fun with Skimpies:
- There was one in the Palace that appeared to have had a boob-job... but one of them was pointing in a noticeably different direction to the other. Either that or she is unfortunate enough to have naturally decent, but directionally uninhibited, breasts.
- Several Skimpies work at several different bars. Stay around long enough, especially if they stay around long enough, and you can get to know them reasonably well. One of the locums here figured out who was more likely to get him a glass of whiskey without much/any soda water (they have the same No shots/bombs rule as Newcastle, so you have to have a mixer).
- In what is probably my crowning achievement in Kal so far, I got yelled at by a skimpy... without intentionally being rude or dirty.
A group of us, two guys and two girls and myself, were yelled at by a skimpy at the Palace... Quite an achievement, considering the dodginess of the regular patrons. See, she came around asking for tips as is customary in such a bar. Being that it was getting towards the end of our night out, we had numerous near-biff situations when attempting to play pool there and we were about to leave, we declined.
“You guys realise that this is a skimpy bar, right? A bar where we don't wear much and get our tops off?”
“Yeah, but we are heading out now.”
“God, why the hell did you come here then???” *storms off*
*table left stunned and asking if that just happened*
To be fair to the Skimpy, this night was particularly dodgy in terms of patronage. Even more seedy than normal and more geared to erupt in to violence, and I would put a fiver on more than one skimpy having been somewhat manhandled without consent earlier that evening. To be fair to us, would you give money to someone who abuses you? Also, most Skimpies do not bother trying to collect tips from people that are obviously not there for the Skimpies or will just smile and leave you alone if they try and you decline politely.
Absolutely Hilarious.
And now for the promised WIN in Kalgoorlie.
We have an Indoor Beach Volleyball centre here. The walls are tight but flexible nets that the ball is allowed to bounce off (as long as it does not touch the roof netting). There are four courts next to each other, so you can watch the other teams play whilst waiting for the restart. It is insanely fun.
The following is an image of one of the newsagencies/corner stores:
The following are the better parts of the sign above the store:
"Small Goods, Big Goods, Good Goods, No Bad Goods"
"Cut Rate Neurosurgery (conditions apply)"
"Open from Horribly Early until Terribly Late"
"Stationary" (not actually sure if that was an error in spelling, as it is supposed to be "Stationery"... I'd like to think that they were trying to be smart even if they weren't... largely because next to "Stationary" there is "Mobiles")
"FREE Insults at proprietor's decision"
"Buried Treasure Maps"
"EXIT Instructions - for deserving cases"
If you are ever here, you MUST visit the Super Pit.
Pictures do not do the grand hole justice.
They have semi-regularly scheduled blasts and times of any scheduled blasts for the day are posted in the Tourist Information centre of Kal. The Super Pit is freakin' huge. As if it was some child's ultimate dream, you can see what are actually really massive trucks look like Tonka toys in a giant dirt pit. You could sit there for hours if you wanted.
I, of course, have done no such thing...
The people I was with at the time forced me to go after half an hour, under threat of leaving me and making me walk home.
And they are going to make it BIGGER and possibly eventually take over Boulder. I have yet to do a proper tour, but I will do so sometime and let you all know how it goes.
For Size comparison...
That's a ute within the arrows.
When it gets shut down eventually, we should totally fill it with water and go SCUBA diving in it and/or turn it in to a giant waterslide. Totally worth transporting all of that water in there. Failing that, make some sort of Grand Kal Rally, where failing to take a corner results in launching yourself to the bottom of the pit.
Other wins, not related to Kal, include How I Met Your Mother, Arrested Development and Chocolate whenever I want it.
Hope you are all having Fun :)
Delays due to the previous post of Lambie's sister site with movie discussions.
I am going to start where I finished off last time.
Now, on the outlook, this is a pretty funny sign, I am sure you will agree.
What makes it funnier is that it tells you to call someone... without giving a phone number. You may say that it is an old sign, which is true, and that the number has faded off. I have closely inspected this sign, and it appears as if there never was any number on the sign to begin with. This sign has just recently been taken down after spending apparently 10+ years up at the centre (like most of the other signs). How they ever expected others to call them without giving a phone number is beyond me... but it seems like par for the course here.
And, speaking of golf terminology, they have two golf courses here and are putting another one in. Actually, that's a lie. They have two and 2/18ths of a golf course.
"Huh? How does that work?" I'm glad you asked.
They have two proper golf courses... and part of one that makes up two holes of the "Nullabor Links", where the idea is to play a few holes of golf at several different towns along the way to make up the 18 holes.
This is the picture of the course at the bottom end of Boulder:
And here is a picture of the higher class course at the top end of Kal:
The following is not directly Kal related, but more a stab at the hospital-bureaucracy-gone-mad. In the time I have been in Kal (four and a half months), there have been THREE new WA Health managerial type positions/departments created. That brings the system up to roughly a metric bus load of Managerial positions, of which only three, maybe four, are directly related to health. The rest of it is trying to run the hospitals like a business.
Here's a hint on how to save money, ailing health system: Stop creating new bureaucratic positions so you don't have to spend more on redeveloping people, paying additional managers (and so additional manager salaries) and creating inane announcements about the wonderful new positions you have opened up.
I refer to you to Parkinson's Law and the Coefficient of Inefficiency. Here, the more people employed in a bureaucratic position the less work gets done. Anyone who is vaguely interested should take also a look at this short study in pdf format. Highly amusing.
Speaking of business, I present to you an image of the Kalgoorlie Business Development Centre, as opened in 2003.
Actually, that's the thing here: A lot of businesses, primarily retail shops and cafes, come and go. Since I have been here, there have been at least five stores put up "Store for Sale" signs and/or gone out of business and/or been redeveloped. Speaking to one of the locals, this appears to be the norm. It is apparently not unusual for a business here to last only a few months before having to pack up.
Kalgoorlie is full of history and the main street is interesting.
More Fun with Skimpies:
- There was one in the Palace that appeared to have had a boob-job... but one of them was pointing in a noticeably different direction to the other. Either that or she is unfortunate enough to have naturally decent, but directionally uninhibited, breasts.
- Several Skimpies work at several different bars. Stay around long enough, especially if they stay around long enough, and you can get to know them reasonably well. One of the locums here figured out who was more likely to get him a glass of whiskey without much/any soda water (they have the same No shots/bombs rule as Newcastle, so you have to have a mixer).
- In what is probably my crowning achievement in Kal so far, I got yelled at by a skimpy... without intentionally being rude or dirty.
A group of us, two guys and two girls and myself, were yelled at by a skimpy at the Palace... Quite an achievement, considering the dodginess of the regular patrons. See, she came around asking for tips as is customary in such a bar. Being that it was getting towards the end of our night out, we had numerous near-biff situations when attempting to play pool there and we were about to leave, we declined.
“You guys realise that this is a skimpy bar, right? A bar where we don't wear much and get our tops off?”
“Yeah, but we are heading out now.”
“God, why the hell did you come here then???” *storms off*
*table left stunned and asking if that just happened*
To be fair to the Skimpy, this night was particularly dodgy in terms of patronage. Even more seedy than normal and more geared to erupt in to violence, and I would put a fiver on more than one skimpy having been somewhat manhandled without consent earlier that evening. To be fair to us, would you give money to someone who abuses you? Also, most Skimpies do not bother trying to collect tips from people that are obviously not there for the Skimpies or will just smile and leave you alone if they try and you decline politely.
Absolutely Hilarious.
And now for the promised WIN in Kalgoorlie.
We have an Indoor Beach Volleyball centre here. The walls are tight but flexible nets that the ball is allowed to bounce off (as long as it does not touch the roof netting). There are four courts next to each other, so you can watch the other teams play whilst waiting for the restart. It is insanely fun.
The following is an image of one of the newsagencies/corner stores:
The following are the better parts of the sign above the store:
"Small Goods, Big Goods, Good Goods, No Bad Goods"
"Cut Rate Neurosurgery (conditions apply)"
"Open from Horribly Early until Terribly Late"
"Stationary" (not actually sure if that was an error in spelling, as it is supposed to be "Stationery"... I'd like to think that they were trying to be smart even if they weren't... largely because next to "Stationary" there is "Mobiles")
"FREE Insults at proprietor's decision"
"Buried Treasure Maps"
"EXIT Instructions - for deserving cases"
If you are ever here, you MUST visit the Super Pit.
Pictures do not do the grand hole justice.
They have semi-regularly scheduled blasts and times of any scheduled blasts for the day are posted in the Tourist Information centre of Kal. The Super Pit is freakin' huge. As if it was some child's ultimate dream, you can see what are actually really massive trucks look like Tonka toys in a giant dirt pit. You could sit there for hours if you wanted.
I, of course, have done no such thing...
The people I was with at the time forced me to go after half an hour, under threat of leaving me and making me walk home.
And they are going to make it BIGGER and possibly eventually take over Boulder. I have yet to do a proper tour, but I will do so sometime and let you all know how it goes.
For Size comparison...
When it gets shut down eventually, we should totally fill it with water and go SCUBA diving in it and/or turn it in to a giant waterslide. Totally worth transporting all of that water in there. Failing that, make some sort of Grand Kal Rally, where failing to take a corner results in launching yourself to the bottom of the pit.
Other wins, not related to Kal, include How I Met Your Mother, Arrested Development and Chocolate whenever I want it.
Hope you are all having Fun :)
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Neglect breeds contempt...
So this is what happens when you don't post anything and let the poor, long suffering contributors take over the entirity of the content generation (due to the fact that Life is Beautiful and Wonderful and I am actually happy with my everything, but that's not what you Schadenfreude lovin' people come here for, now is it?
So, what happens when you suddenly find joy and a reason to be happy?
Spin offs.
Yes kiddies, in the long tradition of things like Daria (from Beavis and Butthead), the Internet (from ARPRANET), and (I'll get in lots of trouble if I leave this one out) Torchwood (from MISTER POTATOES ADVENTURES WITH THE RENAUT ROBOTS), I am (proud?) to present the first official spin-off to The Escapades of Private Cox & Other Tales, which is... Through the Eyes of an Avalanche!
This is for things too serious for my poor, overloaded with happy brain to understand. Maybe I'll have to come back when the crushing reality of living in the coldest capital city sets in.
For now, ENJOI.
And wait for me to get depressed and write MOAR!
KISSES!
So, what happens when you suddenly find joy and a reason to be happy?
Spin offs.
Yes kiddies, in the long tradition of things like Daria (from Beavis and Butthead), the Internet (from ARPRANET), and (I'll get in lots of trouble if I leave this one out) Torchwood (from MISTER POTATOES ADVENTURES WITH THE RENAUT ROBOTS), I am (proud?) to present the first official spin-off to The Escapades of Private Cox & Other Tales, which is... Through the Eyes of an Avalanche!
This is for things too serious for my poor, overloaded with happy brain to understand. Maybe I'll have to come back when the crushing reality of living in the coldest capital city sets in.
For now, ENJOI.
And wait for me to get depressed and write MOAR!
KISSES!
Saturday, 5 June 2010
The Return of the Physics-based Comparisions, Replete with Groaning
Err... Hi.
My name is Travis.
You may vaguely remember me from such posts as "Kalgoorlie: Tales from the West Side OR I Wish to the God that I don't Believe in that I was Making Any of this Up" and "Kalgoorlie: Part the Second OR The Lighter Phails of Kal".
It's been a little while and, although this is not another blog post about Kal (though that is coming too, along with one other), I have decided to add another pile of glittering amusement to this portion of the blag-a-blog.
Tonight, apart from leaving a message on Seb's phone whereby I unintentionally possibly insulted him and did not leave my name, I present to you a direct hack'n'slap from the blog of the creator of "The Quantum Mechanics of Jokes" and "When Galaxies Go Wild".
Here, we have the "Physics theories are chicks" analogy courtesy of Robertson Wesley Burgess the Third (Fourth? I forget what version we are up to... and I hope that I have pronounced that correctly. In pseudo-hindsight, I probably just could have typed "Bob" and saved all of us, not to mention these electrons, the hassle. I mean... now I think I am just typing here for the sake of it).
Some of you will, like myself, just have to nod your head and accept that some of this is probably amusing to those who know more about such things.
My name is Travis.
You may vaguely remember me from such posts as "Kalgoorlie: Tales from the West Side OR I Wish to the God that I don't Believe in that I was Making Any of this Up" and "Kalgoorlie: Part the Second OR The Lighter Phails of Kal".
It's been a little while and, although this is not another blog post about Kal (though that is coming too, along with one other), I have decided to add another pile of glittering amusement to this portion of the blag-a-blog.
Tonight, apart from leaving a message on Seb's phone whereby I unintentionally possibly insulted him and did not leave my name, I present to you a direct hack'n'slap from the blog of the creator of "The Quantum Mechanics of Jokes" and "When Galaxies Go Wild".
Here, we have the "Physics theories are chicks" analogy courtesy of Robertson Wesley Burgess the Third (Fourth? I forget what version we are up to... and I hope that I have pronounced that correctly. In pseudo-hindsight, I probably just could have typed "Bob" and saved all of us, not to mention these electrons, the hassle. I mean... now I think I am just typing here for the sake of it).
Some of you will, like myself, just have to nod your head and accept that some of this is probably amusing to those who know more about such things.
Newtonian Physics: Is that chick that... well.... yeah she's kinda hot, but just seems a bit over-rated. I mean.... EVERYONE knows her, everyone makes such a big deal about her, but at the end of the day, is she really THAT good? I say no.
Lagrangian Physics: Is Newtonian Physics's younger sister. Except that unlike Newtonian Physics nobody seems to know about her which is really weird, because only a pretty cursory glance will tell you that she's HOT!! So much hotter than her older sister. She can do all the same things her older sister can, except she's more graceful, more elegant, and easier. You can't help but feel that if only more people knew about her, she'd completely out-shine her older sister.
Special Relativity: is that cool chick that's way fun to hang out with, just don't let things get too serious. She's pretty damn cute, and you two can just kick around talking crap for ages. Everyone seems to know her, and reckon she's pretty cute, but not many seem to know her well. Most people just know her name and that's it. Awesome chick right? Yeah, just don't get too close. Try and get serious with her and she rounds on you, and then it's just a massive pile of headaches until you decide it's better to just stay friends.
General Relativity: Special Relativity's younger sister, but unlike Special, General's a complete bitch! It's a shame, because you know that underneath the nasty veneer she is a VERY FEAKING cool chick. Problem is the second you try to approach her she'll start spouting weird shit at you and you're better off just turning around and talking crap with her sister, even if she's not as cool.
Maxwell's Electromagnetism: Elegance wrapped up in hot. You wish all chicks were this easy to get on with. Everything she does she does with such grace, and you enjoy every minute you spend with her. Only problem is she does lack a bit of depth, and after spending a bit of time with her you find yourself thinking that despite her grace she just lacks a certain something. It's about this time you wish you were talking to Quantum Physics or one of the Relativity sisters instead. But damn, what she can do.... HOT!
Quantum Physics: She's the chick who sits in the corner, and everyone's a bit intimidated by her, even most of the guys who hang out with General Relativity. Yeah, you know she's cool, but you really can't quite decide whether she's hot or ugly. Most people decide ugly and go chat with some other chick instead. Thing is the more you talk to her, the more you come around to her way of thinking. Sure she's really different to the others, and that makes her hard to get to know. It also means that most of the other girls don't like her at all. But take it from a guy who's been getting to know her for several years now; she never stops being a bit bitchy at times, but she is VERY cool, and after a while you start to realise her unconventional appearance contains a certain elegance and beauty.
And there you have it.
I could have, of course, linked to that very post, but what would be the fun in that?
New Kal post up within the week because, if I say it here, it is on the internet and so must be true.
Hope you're having Fun :)
And there you have it.
I could have, of course, linked to that very post, but what would be the fun in that?
New Kal post up within the week because, if I say it here, it is on the internet and so must be true.
Hope you're having Fun :)
Monday, 31 May 2010
Eurovision Roundup 2010 - Where Have I Seen This Before?
Last year, I made the lead up of who was in and who was out seem rather easy to understand (Georgia chucked a hissy fit and withdrew, The End). This year, I realised it's much more complicated than that. In none other than our own TV guide, we were told that Andorra, the Czech Republic, Hungary, and Montenagro were all out this year, and Georgia was back in. Italy are out, but have been since the late 1990's. (No doubt there are some other ins and outs that I've not bothered to look up or attempt to understand from the unnecessarily complicated Wiki article.)
Now, like I mentioned in my preview post, I acted upon the opportunity to see some of the entries for this year. I had the chance to see more, but I figured that would be spoiling and decided to wait. You need just enough to give you an idea without experiencing the full ungodly horror before you're mentally prepared.
Once again, since Wogan is no longer on commentating duties, we were treated to the equally dry Sam Pang and Julia Zemiro. By the end of the three night event, I was starting to think that Wogan may have met his match.
Disclaimer: I'm not going to cover every single act, but rather just the ones worth talking about.
Semi Final 1 - Night of the Unnecessary Violins
The first thing we were told (by Sam & Julia) is that this year's competition is aimed at one family in the United Kingdom. What? What about the millions of other viewers? We were all treated to some stock standard footage ofbad CGI glowing orbs flying around places, which I guess is meant to represent - hang on. Doesn't SBS use a whole lot of little circles as their new image? The motto for this year's competition seemed to be "Share The Moment." I thought that was the slogan for Coca Cola or Mars Bars or something, but I couldn't find any evidence to back that up.
And then we were treated to Oslo's attempt to shake things up a bit:we didn't have a host and hostess. Oh no. We had a host and two hostesses. All I could think about was how that affected the drinking game. What do you do if they both change there outfits? Answer: Nothing, because they didn't. Then we had their second attempt to shake things up, with the new rule that you could vote throughout the entire broadcast, and not just during a tedious 15 minute segment at the end of it all. (You could still vote for as many countries as you liked.) These two shake-ups, hosts and all, were carried over to the final.
17 countries competed in Semi Final One. Ten lucky countires got to go through to the final. Millions of unlucky viewers had to dal with Moldova's entry first up. Millions of unlucky viewers would have to deal with it again, because it managed to progress to the final. Although, why would you need to watch anymore Eurovision after seeing punk rockers with a violin and a saxophone?
There are many acts in Eurovision that have what they would think are "arty" costumes. One of these acts is no doubt also going to feature some panpipes somewhere while a woman dressed up a a tree does some ballet. There is also one act that has someone stand at the side of the stage, dressed completely different from everyone else and looking totally out of place compared to the rest of the act. This year it was Slovakia. On the plus side, they were dressed up as elves and the lead songstress looked kinda cute.
Finalnd, the country that a few years ago gave us Lordi, this year gave us the reincarnation of Abba fronted by Joy from My name Is Earl. They actually got advice from Lordi, but apart from "Be Yourselves" or something it seemed pretty useless advice. They should have said "dress outrageously and perform hard rock".
Julia warned us that Latvia's entry was grammatically all over the shop. Thanks Julia but you should have warned us that it was boring. And sung by Britney Spears.
Poland gave us what was apparently an Adam and Eve style story. In the right light backstage, the lead singer looked a bit like Paul McDermott. In the wrong light onstage they looked like Ronan Keating (or so I was told). The Polish Lily Allen ate the forbidden fruit, so now I know why that woman is so full of sin. They also all sang this in semi-traditional dress, and for one woman (after a certain point in the song) semi-traditional undress.
While we were taking a break from the onslaught, Sam and Julia demonstrated the impact we can have by voting for our favourite song on the website: none at all. By a strange coincidence, "none at all" is exactly how much suspiciont the Liza Minelli look-a-like from Malta had that she would not be progressing on to the finals. She did have giant angel wings and a smoke machine, but neither helped.
After the rest of the acts had been presented, we were treated to the tedious 15 minutes of voting time that I know you were all waiting for. During this time we had a recap of all the acts (i.e. padding), a sketch that might actually have been funny had it not gone one scene too far with its joke (i.e. padding), another recap (i.e. padding), and then some padding by the hosts (i.e. padding).
As the votes were tallied, we were treated to some more padding! This time in the form of the interval entyertainment about the human voice. It featured yodelling, coughing, beat boxing (including some on a catwalk - best fashion show ever!), singing, chanting....... and tapdancing. (I'm pretty sure that last one isn't generated by the human voice.)
Finally we had some more padding in the form of a preview of the five finalists, followed by the most tediously drawn out reveal of the ten finalists. For those of you paying attention, the acts all finished at 9 p.m. local time, and SBS's broadcast finished at 9:45 p.m., so you knew you were in for some serious padding.
Semi Final 2 - TaintedLove Hard Disk Space
Before we get underway, I can hear you all crying fowl about me reviewing this semi final because I was out celebrating two birthdays on this night. But I, being the resourceful man that I am, recorded the event onto my laptop (and then promptly deleted it once I was done with it).
Lithuania was up first in what was dubbed "the semi final of death" (due to so many strong acts being in it), with Eastern European Funk. No, that wasn't the genre, that was the name of the song. The genre was "Bad Imitation of the Cat Empire". Complete with a costume reveal of.... short silver shorts. Avert your eyes!
Denmark made it through to the final with a disco song that failed to be anything like a disco song, but it did feature what could have been the first reverb of the competition. When Julia Zemiro introduced this song, she used the French name, and all that proved is that Julia Zemiro sounds very sexy speaking in French. Sam Pang described it this way: "Sometimes three minutes.... takes longer than others."
A blonde Miley Cyrus failed to get Sweden over the line, despite the huge guitar.... or was she just really small? Or was it some form of strange illusion, because at some point she stopped playing and the guitar disappeared from the stage.
And after a couple more acts, we were treated to the Netherlands. The general design and sound of the song and staging were rather reminiscent of the sort of thing that would be put in a children's TV show. With good reason. The man who wrote it was Pierre Kartner, the man who wrote the theme song for The Smurfs! Very rarely can something to do with Eurovision be described as "awesome".
Bulgaria gave us a horrible combination of angel wings, 80's hair, Kyle Sandilands, and people covered in silver paint that made them look like they'd been covered in oil.
In between the two standard recaps, we were treated to a tribute to songs that finished in the bottom three, because apparently Norway holds the record for the most last place finishes in Eurovision. Remember that horrible U.K. entry that scored 0 points a while back? It was there and just as horrible as you remember it to be. I was shocked, because for a second night running, Eurovision was actually trying to be funny and succeeding.
Those Human Voice people returned for a second outing of entertainment, this time voicing all the sound effects in a clip of a kid moving through the city (except for a few things like a jet engine).. It was clever, funny, and at times a little bit creepy. Then the people in the Red Gloves manipulate him into travelling to Oslo and dancing onstage while they continued to make rap music noises. "That's how we like to welcome people to Norway." Yikes.
We finally got to the tedious, drawn out virtual envelope opening which was just as tedious and drawn out as it was last time. And after all was said and done after the credits had finished rolling, we had a shot and a musical stung that when added together could only be described as.... foreboding.
The Final - Everything That Would Have Won 25 Years Ago
The Final of the Eurovision Song Contest contained two things that have been lacking from the competition in recent years. Firstly, it contained (and I can't believe I'm about to say this) songs that were actually good. I know, I know, contestants are supposed to keep entering outlandish ABBA wannabes, but that doesn't win votes anymore.
Secondly, as one of the two hostesses stood onstage telling us how many people were watching, she happened to mention that this included people "as far away as Australia". That's right, we all got a collective shout out!
The Final didn't open with any of that, though. Instead, the competition's credibility was sadly upheld further by a classy opening act that took us on a journey through the history of Eurovision, including a pan through the inside of an old 1960's TV set and a quick rush past Big Ben (including Doppler effect).
It didn't take long to get down to business, starting with Azerbaijain, whose main singer was choreographed by the same guy who does Beyonce's choreography. And boy, did it show. It might as well have been Beyonce inside of that woman. She didn't look like Beyonce though. She looked a little bit like Summer Glau. Did I say a little? Because I meant a lot. She's only 17, though. Summer Glau is not....
And with only one act down and a second underway, the controversy kicked in. During Spain's performance, some idiot decided to jump onstage and join in the dancing. While he admittedly did pretty well, it was noticeable enough to be distracting. The organisers decided to give Spain another chance to perform again after all the other acts had done their bit.
Norway's entry was something that I would have thought was typically entered by the U.K. The U.K.'s entry, which came on later on in the night, was something I would have thought was typically something sung over the credits of a Disney film. The U.K., unsurprisingly finished with a grand total of 10 points and last place. The BBC's analysis? They succumbed to old Eurovision clichés that don't work anymore.
Belgium gave us a one-man acoustic guitar song about, well, a man and his guitar. The guy looked a bit like a young Captain Jack Harkness, but the song was actually a pretty decent one and nice to listen to.
When I first saw Serbia's entry during Semi Final One, I was stunned. Not because it was bad, because it wasn't. Not because it was good, because it wasn't. Some songs define a genre. Some songs perhaps defy a genre. This song defied every single genre. It had what can only be described as giant test tubes split in half down one side, 70's fashion, and strange hair, all set some some weird musical genre no one's ever heard from before. The best way I could describe it is indie-disco, but I know that can't be right.
Due to the financial crisis, Greece had to recycle Zorba the Greek, dig up some old tribal dancing, and steal costumes from the upcoming Prince of Persia film to go with it. Turkey traditionally give us belly dancing somewhere in their Eurovision entry. Start celebrating everyone, because for once they didn't! Instead, they gave us emo punk rock. And a female robot version of The Stig who axle grinded her own hand, who then unmasked herself and became a punk bellydancer. Oh.
Albania demonstrated why thou shalt not have gospel singers in a Kylie Minogue / Madonna style disco number. Iceland gave us Disco. Pure, Eurvision, pop diva disco. And an excuse to make Volcano jokes.
Russia continued the time old Eurovision tradition of using completely unnecessary props. Somehow I don't think that you need to hold an actual photograph on stage while your singing about one. To be fair, neither did they, because it wasn't actually a photograph but a pencil sketch or something.
Germany gave us a catchy little pop song not unlike something a slightly more mainstream Missy Higgins would sing. Did I mention it was very catchy? I still can't get the damn thing out of my head.
After the rest of the acts and a neat little sketch from what Sam Pang called the "Norwegian Josh Thomas", we were treated to the obligatory double recap during the 15 minutes of extra voting time. And then in the tradition of interval acts that were actually good and fun to watch this year, we were treated to a dance number performed by hundreds of people in the streets of cities around Europe. The idea was that it was easy to learn so you could join in and dance at home. To prove it, we were also treated to shots of people at home across Europe dancing. Or, in the case of the Ukraine, DANCING. (Okay, I'm not sure if it was that particular in/famous Ukraine act or whether it was just someone who dressed up that way, but they were there.)
And then the votes started to get tallied. If you're like me, this is where you stop watching to avoid the tedious part of the broadcast and look up the winner on the internet. Or, as was the case this year, have the result spoiled earlier in the day by looking at the BBC News RRS feed and forgetting that they would have the result emblazoned in their headlines.
The Final Wrap Up - Is Eurovision Credible Now?
The BBC radio program More or Less (it's mainly about statistics - I highly recommend their podcast, actually) had Azerbaijan, Russia, and Serbia in first, second, and third respectively. Sadly, they didn't do too well with that prediction (although Azerbaijan did come fifth).
The honour of winning the contest went to Germany, with that song that's terribly catchy and pretty conventional by Eurovision standards. The good folks at TV Tonight have posted a video of the winning act as well as the final results, for those of you interested in the voting aftermath.
Did it deserve to win? Yes: I challenge you to watch the song and not get it stuck in your head.
Now, like I mentioned in my preview post, I acted upon the opportunity to see some of the entries for this year. I had the chance to see more, but I figured that would be spoiling and decided to wait. You need just enough to give you an idea without experiencing the full ungodly horror before you're mentally prepared.
Once again, since Wogan is no longer on commentating duties, we were treated to the equally dry Sam Pang and Julia Zemiro. By the end of the three night event, I was starting to think that Wogan may have met his match.
Disclaimer: I'm not going to cover every single act, but rather just the ones worth talking about.
Semi Final 1 - Night of the Unnecessary Violins
The first thing we were told (by Sam & Julia) is that this year's competition is aimed at one family in the United Kingdom. What? What about the millions of other viewers? We were all treated to some stock standard footage of
And then we were treated to Oslo's attempt to shake things up a bit:we didn't have a host and hostess. Oh no. We had a host and two hostesses. All I could think about was how that affected the drinking game. What do you do if they both change there outfits? Answer: Nothing, because they didn't. Then we had their second attempt to shake things up, with the new rule that you could vote throughout the entire broadcast, and not just during a tedious 15 minute segment at the end of it all. (You could still vote for as many countries as you liked.) These two shake-ups, hosts and all, were carried over to the final.
17 countries competed in Semi Final One. Ten lucky countires got to go through to the final. Millions of unlucky viewers had to dal with Moldova's entry first up. Millions of unlucky viewers would have to deal with it again, because it managed to progress to the final. Although, why would you need to watch anymore Eurovision after seeing punk rockers with a violin and a saxophone?
There are many acts in Eurovision that have what they would think are "arty" costumes. One of these acts is no doubt also going to feature some panpipes somewhere while a woman dressed up a a tree does some ballet. There is also one act that has someone stand at the side of the stage, dressed completely different from everyone else and looking totally out of place compared to the rest of the act. This year it was Slovakia. On the plus side, they were dressed up as elves and the lead songstress looked kinda cute.
Finalnd, the country that a few years ago gave us Lordi, this year gave us the reincarnation of Abba fronted by Joy from My name Is Earl. They actually got advice from Lordi, but apart from "Be Yourselves" or something it seemed pretty useless advice. They should have said "dress outrageously and perform hard rock".
Julia warned us that Latvia's entry was grammatically all over the shop. Thanks Julia but you should have warned us that it was boring. And sung by Britney Spears.
Poland gave us what was apparently an Adam and Eve style story. In the right light backstage, the lead singer looked a bit like Paul McDermott. In the wrong light onstage they looked like Ronan Keating (or so I was told). The Polish Lily Allen ate the forbidden fruit, so now I know why that woman is so full of sin. They also all sang this in semi-traditional dress, and for one woman (after a certain point in the song) semi-traditional undress.
While we were taking a break from the onslaught, Sam and Julia demonstrated the impact we can have by voting for our favourite song on the website: none at all. By a strange coincidence, "none at all" is exactly how much suspiciont the Liza Minelli look-a-like from Malta had that she would not be progressing on to the finals. She did have giant angel wings and a smoke machine, but neither helped.
After the rest of the acts had been presented, we were treated to the tedious 15 minutes of voting time that I know you were all waiting for. During this time we had a recap of all the acts (i.e. padding), a sketch that might actually have been funny had it not gone one scene too far with its joke (i.e. padding), another recap (i.e. padding), and then some padding by the hosts (i.e. padding).
As the votes were tallied, we were treated to some more padding! This time in the form of the interval entyertainment about the human voice. It featured yodelling, coughing, beat boxing (including some on a catwalk - best fashion show ever!), singing, chanting....... and tapdancing. (I'm pretty sure that last one isn't generated by the human voice.)
Finally we had some more padding in the form of a preview of the five finalists, followed by the most tediously drawn out reveal of the ten finalists. For those of you paying attention, the acts all finished at 9 p.m. local time, and SBS's broadcast finished at 9:45 p.m., so you knew you were in for some serious padding.
Semi Final 2 - Tainted
Before we get underway, I can hear you all crying fowl about me reviewing this semi final because I was out celebrating two birthdays on this night. But I, being the resourceful man that I am, recorded the event onto my laptop (and then promptly deleted it once I was done with it).
Lithuania was up first in what was dubbed "the semi final of death" (due to so many strong acts being in it), with Eastern European Funk. No, that wasn't the genre, that was the name of the song. The genre was "Bad Imitation of the Cat Empire". Complete with a costume reveal of.... short silver shorts. Avert your eyes!
Denmark made it through to the final with a disco song that failed to be anything like a disco song, but it did feature what could have been the first reverb of the competition. When Julia Zemiro introduced this song, she used the French name, and all that proved is that Julia Zemiro sounds very sexy speaking in French. Sam Pang described it this way: "Sometimes three minutes.... takes longer than others."
A blonde Miley Cyrus failed to get Sweden over the line, despite the huge guitar.... or was she just really small? Or was it some form of strange illusion, because at some point she stopped playing and the guitar disappeared from the stage.
And after a couple more acts, we were treated to the Netherlands. The general design and sound of the song and staging were rather reminiscent of the sort of thing that would be put in a children's TV show. With good reason. The man who wrote it was Pierre Kartner, the man who wrote the theme song for The Smurfs! Very rarely can something to do with Eurovision be described as "awesome".
Bulgaria gave us a horrible combination of angel wings, 80's hair, Kyle Sandilands, and people covered in silver paint that made them look like they'd been covered in oil.
In between the two standard recaps, we were treated to a tribute to songs that finished in the bottom three, because apparently Norway holds the record for the most last place finishes in Eurovision. Remember that horrible U.K. entry that scored 0 points a while back? It was there and just as horrible as you remember it to be. I was shocked, because for a second night running, Eurovision was actually trying to be funny and succeeding.
Those Human Voice people returned for a second outing of entertainment, this time voicing all the sound effects in a clip of a kid moving through the city (except for a few things like a jet engine).. It was clever, funny, and at times a little bit creepy. Then the people in the Red Gloves manipulate him into travelling to Oslo and dancing onstage while they continued to make rap music noises. "That's how we like to welcome people to Norway." Yikes.
We finally got to the tedious, drawn out virtual envelope opening which was just as tedious and drawn out as it was last time. And after all was said and done after the credits had finished rolling, we had a shot and a musical stung that when added together could only be described as.... foreboding.
The Final - Everything That Would Have Won 25 Years Ago
The Final of the Eurovision Song Contest contained two things that have been lacking from the competition in recent years. Firstly, it contained (and I can't believe I'm about to say this) songs that were actually good. I know, I know, contestants are supposed to keep entering outlandish ABBA wannabes, but that doesn't win votes anymore.
Secondly, as one of the two hostesses stood onstage telling us how many people were watching, she happened to mention that this included people "as far away as Australia". That's right, we all got a collective shout out!
The Final didn't open with any of that, though. Instead, the competition's credibility was sadly upheld further by a classy opening act that took us on a journey through the history of Eurovision, including a pan through the inside of an old 1960's TV set and a quick rush past Big Ben (including Doppler effect).
It didn't take long to get down to business, starting with Azerbaijain, whose main singer was choreographed by the same guy who does Beyonce's choreography. And boy, did it show. It might as well have been Beyonce inside of that woman. She didn't look like Beyonce though. She looked a little bit like Summer Glau. Did I say a little? Because I meant a lot. She's only 17, though. Summer Glau is not....
And with only one act down and a second underway, the controversy kicked in. During Spain's performance, some idiot decided to jump onstage and join in the dancing. While he admittedly did pretty well, it was noticeable enough to be distracting. The organisers decided to give Spain another chance to perform again after all the other acts had done their bit.
Norway's entry was something that I would have thought was typically entered by the U.K. The U.K.'s entry, which came on later on in the night, was something I would have thought was typically something sung over the credits of a Disney film. The U.K., unsurprisingly finished with a grand total of 10 points and last place. The BBC's analysis? They succumbed to old Eurovision clichés that don't work anymore.
Belgium gave us a one-man acoustic guitar song about, well, a man and his guitar. The guy looked a bit like a young Captain Jack Harkness, but the song was actually a pretty decent one and nice to listen to.
When I first saw Serbia's entry during Semi Final One, I was stunned. Not because it was bad, because it wasn't. Not because it was good, because it wasn't. Some songs define a genre. Some songs perhaps defy a genre. This song defied every single genre. It had what can only be described as giant test tubes split in half down one side, 70's fashion, and strange hair, all set some some weird musical genre no one's ever heard from before. The best way I could describe it is indie-disco, but I know that can't be right.
Due to the financial crisis, Greece had to recycle Zorba the Greek, dig up some old tribal dancing, and steal costumes from the upcoming Prince of Persia film to go with it. Turkey traditionally give us belly dancing somewhere in their Eurovision entry. Start celebrating everyone, because for once they didn't! Instead, they gave us emo punk rock. And a female robot version of The Stig who axle grinded her own hand, who then unmasked herself and became a punk bellydancer. Oh.
Albania demonstrated why thou shalt not have gospel singers in a Kylie Minogue / Madonna style disco number. Iceland gave us Disco. Pure, Eurvision, pop diva disco. And an excuse to make Volcano jokes.
Russia continued the time old Eurovision tradition of using completely unnecessary props. Somehow I don't think that you need to hold an actual photograph on stage while your singing about one. To be fair, neither did they, because it wasn't actually a photograph but a pencil sketch or something.
Germany gave us a catchy little pop song not unlike something a slightly more mainstream Missy Higgins would sing. Did I mention it was very catchy? I still can't get the damn thing out of my head.
After the rest of the acts and a neat little sketch from what Sam Pang called the "Norwegian Josh Thomas", we were treated to the obligatory double recap during the 15 minutes of extra voting time. And then in the tradition of interval acts that were actually good and fun to watch this year, we were treated to a dance number performed by hundreds of people in the streets of cities around Europe. The idea was that it was easy to learn so you could join in and dance at home. To prove it, we were also treated to shots of people at home across Europe dancing. Or, in the case of the Ukraine, DANCING. (Okay, I'm not sure if it was that particular in/famous Ukraine act or whether it was just someone who dressed up that way, but they were there.)
And then the votes started to get tallied. If you're like me, this is where you stop watching to avoid the tedious part of the broadcast and look up the winner on the internet. Or, as was the case this year, have the result spoiled earlier in the day by looking at the BBC News RRS feed and forgetting that they would have the result emblazoned in their headlines.
The Final Wrap Up - Is Eurovision Credible Now?
The BBC radio program More or Less (it's mainly about statistics - I highly recommend their podcast, actually) had Azerbaijan, Russia, and Serbia in first, second, and third respectively. Sadly, they didn't do too well with that prediction (although Azerbaijan did come fifth).
The honour of winning the contest went to Germany, with that song that's terribly catchy and pretty conventional by Eurovision standards. The good folks at TV Tonight have posted a video of the winning act as well as the final results, for those of you interested in the voting aftermath.
Did it deserve to win? Yes: I challenge you to watch the song and not get it stuck in your head.
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