OMGWTFLEGO

See, I would have uploaded this here, but that's an exercise in futility and despair. YouTube will have to suffice, instead.

News from the "Scene"

S: We now cross live to Guerilla Journalist, Cam, who has infiltrated a gathering he has deemed worthy of your filthy eyes. Initial reports are sketchy, but apparantly, it's a... uh... a... Bogan Wedding?!? Oh sweet crunchy saviour....
S: Are you still on the scene, Cam?
C: No, it only lasted for twenty minutes, thank god. I don't think I could have coped with the amount of smoke that was being CONSUMED whilst the wedding was in progress.
S: Scintiallting. Any estimates on the crowd size?
C: Maximum.. problably 25 people
S: Gee, that sounds like the wedding lasted at a rate of 1 minute per person
C: The bride looked like Jabba the Hutt in a dress, the resemblance is quite scary, even the skin colour is alike.
S: Yikes. I do believe we have a comparison shot here.
S: Back to the story, what kind of man or woo-man attends such an event?
C: I can guarintee that only 2 or 3 people there were not on government handouts. It also appears that these 2 or 3 sorry souls were the only ones who were paying for the entire wedding, as well as the reception.
S: Where abouts was this illustrious event?
C: Back of Maitland Park, under the shitty old rotunda, next to the cricket ground (which seemed more interesting than the wedding, and I hate Cricket)
S: Where was this reception held?
C: Easts bowling club. All you can eat buffet. $12 a head at the most. I don't understand why someone so OLD would get married. The Ex-Husband was even there, and he made a speech. The even joked (I'm not sure if they know HOW to joke) about receiving half of the Ex-Husbands paycheck.
S: Love is surely in the air, tonight.
C: I don't want to think about that. (looks at the ground)
S: Looking at these photos, there's a few odd things here
C: That wedding dress is borrowed, and looked like it was hardly holding. Oh! And the smell.
S: Flowers?
C: Urine.
S: My Word!
C: Did I mention that the front row consisted entirely of Cripples? Some without teeth?
S: Do we have any photos of it? Ah, yes we do.

[Incriminating Photo Removed due to pending legal action]

S: I gotta get out of this town

Then the Officer Said...

Seb, you appear to have "Dropped The Ball", people are saying, in regard to my lack of posting (lack here referring to failing to generate "lols" since July). I have previously put this down to my rock and roll lifestyle of waking up at 1PM and drinking all night. Well, enough of that! Also the secondary excuse of "I'm not bitter enough to write this bloody thing anymore" (which was met with congratulations, but I knew that deep in their hearts were TEARS for the glory of the past, and the knowledge that this era would no longer be present) might be tested.

But enough meta-wankery (that's for LATER). LET'S GET SOME MEAT ON THEM THAR BONEZ.

Let's have a quick recap of a certain European trip. I can effectively refer to the whole thing as "Great Scaffolding of Europe", since I have the magick powar that consists solely of causing great attractions of the world to be cordoned off when I am near. At least that's what appeared to happen back in 2002/2003. To this effect, I present this collage:



Don't you feel ENRICHED? Like Uranium, I bet! I KNOW I AM.

Also if someone can explain to me why I'm obsessed with Westerns at the moment, but make it a sex-based reason, they'll win another imaginary prize. What we need more of, is filth.
Or this.


Hell, this might be my last farewell ride for all I know.
(rants into oblivion. or Hogwarts. or whatever.)

The Great Debate: Should I Join Facebook?

As you're all probably aware, I'm very stubborn when it comes to signing up to any sort of social networking service. In fact, I've made it perfectly clear why I haven't signed up in the past. If you can't be bothered re-visiting that essay, then I can sum it up by saying: "Frankly, I don't see the point."

But on two separate Wednesday's, I've had people virtually implore me to join Facebook. So I thought that fair's fair, and I should give everyone a chance to convince me. So add a comment to this post, and convince me to sign up. You never know, I actually might do it.

However, I reserve the right to tear apart any and all of your arguments as I see fit, in which case you'll have to do some more convincing or give up. (Let me pre-emptively tear apart one of those arguments by saying that even if you do prove to me Sarah Blasko is on Facebook, which as far as I know she is not, then you'll have to prove to me that it's better than following her beautiful website.)

Alternatively, you're also more than welcome to argue that I should not join Facebook.

A Revised Guide to Public Transport (Incase You Thought it Couldn't Get Worse)

Having been subject to the revised public transport system for some time now, I felt it was time to update the guide, alert you to the horrible changes that have occurred, and discuss some older ones that no doubt existed beforehand but has only been my displeasure to experience after the revamp. If you thought things couldn't possibly get worse, prepare yourself for a shock. If you recognised a bus route number from the old system and naively decided to hop on said bus then prepare yourself for a bigger shock, because you aren't going to end up where you think you will.

Yes, the "geniuses" in charge ludicrously decided to keep the bus route numbers, but change the final destinations. Raise your arm if you think that's a good idea. I can probably guess how many arms are raised and count that number on zero of my hands.

Thankfully, like before, we can place the typical experience into two categories: the Route 100 experience, and the Route 226 experience. And so, once again using experiece and anecdotes, I will explain why applying the phrase "It couldn't possibly get any worse" to the revised network has proven that impossible things can happen.


100

Let's get the nitty gritty out of the way first: those of you with a very good memory (or those of you who cheated just now by looking through the archives to find the old guide) will notice that three numbers are missing from this category: 101, 103, and 108. Apologies to everyone who used to catch these buses, but they're gone forever. And so instead of having a service from the increasingly laughingly named CBD to the Uni through Mayfield every 20 minutes, you have to wait every half an hour. Fantastic.

So, say you want to get from Mayfield to somewhere that one of these now defunct routes went. You have one of two options:

1) Work out a hideously complicated journey that involves a change of buses at one or more points in your journey.

2) Failure.

The 100 now also goes past John Hunter Hospital, one of the many characteristics it has stolen from the 226. But the more things change, the more they stay the same. This bus is always still full of punk school kids and bogans who smell of bogan smell and cigarette smoke. Even if the bus is not full of punk school kids, evidence of their presence still remains in the form of a huge mess on the floor, graffiti everywhere, and the occasional hole cut into the seats.

This route also has the dubious honour of now always being serviced by the air conditioned, wheelchair accessible buses - another honour it tore from the grip of the 226, thus confusing many a 226 passenger when the changes were rolled out and they suddenly found themselves on an old noisy bus.

Surprisingly, the bus no longer suffers from excessive lateness, but having now travelled beyond the bounds of the University towards Charlestown, I have discovered some of its other dirty little secrets. The approach to Jesmond shops will always make your heart sink as you pray that the 50 people sitting around near the bus stop sign aren't all going to get on your bus. I'll touch on the area around Charlestown Square later, because the real kicker that needs to be discussed is the bus stop at John Hunter Hospital.

Anyone wishing to catch a bus outside of the main entrance to the hospital is faced with the ridiculous situation of having buses travelling in both directions being serviced by the one single bus stop on the one side of the road. So not only do you have to make sure you get on the right bus, you have to make sure you're on the right bus that is heading in the right direction. If you don't pay attention then instead of getting into town, you'll end up in Warner's Bay by getting on the wrong 363.


226

As I've already mentioned, the once always wheelchair accessible bus route is now serviced by a mixture of new and old buses. With that in mind, you could be forgiven for thinking that the type of bus you're going to end up on is going to be a bit of a gamble. If you end up catching the bus with any regularity, you can begin to detect a pattern. Catch the 226 at a certain time, and you can know beforehand whether you're going to get an old bus, a new wheelchair accessible bus, or one of the buses that was taken out of service for a bit because they caught fire for no reason.

The once scarcely populated 226 is now guaranteed to be populated with many more people. In fact, when the new networked was rolled out, so many people were catching it during peak hour that it was leaving people (including school kids) behind. Thankfully that frustrating and anger-inducing characteristic has abated (for now). Instead, it's been replaced by a bunch of stupid school kids who get on at School-Kid Central (aka Nineways), and then get off at the next stop. Why can't they just walk?

If you thought that was bad enough, then the 226 gave birth to two new types of bus travellers that are probably now common on may bus routes: the sniffer and the cougher. The sniffer sniffs so much that they sound like they're snorting drugs, and you either want to turn around and yell "Dude, blow your freaking nose" or turn around and punch them in the face. The cougher coughs so much that all you can do is feel disconcerted, and pray that they're covering their mouth and aren't contagious.

These negatives are somewhat compensated for by the fact that the number of people that used to get on at Broadmeadow Train Station has dropped from "An entire, heart-sinking bus load" to "About 10 at the most". Unfortunately, many of the familiar faces from the old guide are also gone. Some are occasionally still around, but most have dissapeared completely (such as Phone Girl, who I think I somehow managed to neglect from the original guide). It is more likely you will find a whole batch of new familiar faces instead. Sadly for you, I haven't given any of them names.

This is all fine if you want to catch a bus from own to Uni, but what if you want to keep going into the realms beyond? I haven't done it myself, but I can still make a few observations anyway. So pay attention 007, because the 226 is like everything wrong with the new network compressed into one neat little bus route package. Officially, the 226 goes from the CBD to Glendale via places like Broadmeadow, University, Jesmond, and Wallsend (and obviously it does the reverse going the other way). The thing is, not every 226 service goes to Glendale and, believe it or not, not every 226 goes to Newcastle Station.

The 226 runs every 30 minutes, like every other "popular" bus route, but it only goes to Glendale once an hour or so (it gets a bit hazy at certain times of day). So you could end up being stuck in Wallsend for half an hour waiting for the next one, or you can wait around in town and catch a different route all together to save you the trouble. And you have to be just as careful going back into town as well. You might end up on a bus that terminates at Broadmeadow Station, or the start of the CBD.


Bonus Content: Other Buses

The one advantage of taking the 100 out towards Charlestown from Uni is that if you wish to head back into town after your trip, you don't have to catch it again. Your best bet is to (usually) catch a service beginning with "3", which for some reason are primarily filled up with old people. The only problem with these buses is that you have to decode an interchange at Charlestown Square nearly as stupid as the bus stop at John Hunter Hospital. Instead of having buses going in two directions on one street, they have buses going in one direction on two streets.

So not only do you have to make sure you're on the right side of the road to catch the right bus going in the right direction, you have to make sure you're on the right street to begin with. If you're not, you have to hike around finding a completely different street to catch your bus, a task made all the more difficult by the fact that the streets in the area appear out of thin air, disappear into the same thin air, and generally don't seem to obey the laws of physics.


Conclusions

At the end of my original guide to public transport, I asked the question of which bus you should catch to Uni. Seeing as now aspects of both routes sometimes want to make you weep, that question is no longer relevent. So what of the network as a whole?

Well, if you want to travel to a popular destination in the city, such as Charlestown or Glendale, then the network can eventually get you there. Just don't expect to be on time: you're either going to be 20 minutes early or 10 minutes late.

I Told You to Vote, So Why Didn't You Vote For Blasko?

Since everyone's jumping into the proverbial pot of cooking comments on why no women made the recent Hottest 100 of All Time list, I thought it necessary in the interests of balance to throw in my two cent coin and contaminate the meal. So firstly, why didn't I vote for any women? The answer is I did, and if you didn't figure that out then you obviously don't know me very well. In fact, had you been following the comments after I told you to vote, you would know that if I had my way Sarah Blasko's cover of Flame Trees would be #1. You should also expect me to have voted for a couple of her other songs, which I did.

So why didn't the rest of you vote for women? The answer is that actually, you probably did as well. So why didn't they make it?

Statistics.

Yes, our old friend from the days of Emperors and Scum has reared its ugly head and come back to haunt the entire nation.

Let's first consider the period that the poll covered: all of time. Since this is too large a time period to be practical for our purposes, let's instead consider music from the 1960's onwards. The 1960's is a good decade to start from, since that's the earliest decade that features in the list. So if all things were fair, then each decade from the 60's would feature 20 times. But nothing's ever fair, and so it's not the case: The 60's & 70's combined come in at about 20% of the entries, the 80's & 00's both feature about 20% each, and the 1990's dominated with over 40% all on its own.

If you were a band in the 60's you were up against the likes of The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, etc. Good luck being remembered, then. So going by our decade-by-decade analysis, women now only have a shot at about 90 spots. The only band with female members from the 70's that comes to mind is ABBA, and that also neatly brings us to the second factor to throw into the fray: The Hottest 100 voter demographic. Do you think a typical voter for the Hottest 100 is going to be a huge fan of something like "Waterloo"? Me neither.

Unfortunately, I can't name any prominent female artists from the 80's. Hell, I struggle to name more than a couple of artists from the 80's anyway without having to resort to Wikipedia, let alone any good songs from the era. So that leaves the 90's and 00's, which equates to about 60 spots. All being fair, they would be split evenly, giving female artists 30 spots on the list, give or take. So where are they?

According to some, the commercial charts. They make music in certain genres that appeals to certain demographics, but nothing that's going to go down in history as The Greatest Song Ever As Voted By People Here and Now Who Might Not Listen to That Sort of Thing Anyway. They're still successful, so they're doing everything right. They just won't make it on to your shortlist.

But what about the ones that will? Like I mentioned, odds are you voted for at least one of these. But which songs did you vote for? Were they the same songs that I voted for? Probably not. And therein is the final heart of the anatomically incorrect beast.

Ask me to name my favourite Sarah Blasko song, and I'd say, "Her cover of Flame Trees. Were you not paying attention at the beginning of this article?" But if I were to ask you what your favourite Blasko song was, you might well name a completely different song. There's no one definitive song that stands out for everyone, and the same goes for a lot of other female artists/bands/etc (and while we're at it, a lot of artists/bands./etc in general). They're all equally good, and so all equally likely to get votes. The votes get split, none of them make the final 100, and the media kicks up a fuss about nothing.

In other words, we shouldn't be panicking. Statistically speaking, a good portion of the list is probably filled with one hit wonders anyway.

A Call To Arms

Attention, fools!
It is time that we, the people, did something for the community, nay, the WORLD, and I, your noble leader dude that you all seem to listen to for no apparent reason have one particular deed in mind.
Bring this article up to scratch, and you'll be the win. Because a town as terrible as Newcastle NEEDS a page that's at least not filled with irrelevant crap, but rather scathing criticism and thinly veiled truths.
Thanks!
-MGMT.