The Return of the Physics-based Comparisions, Replete with Groaning

Err... Hi.
My name is Travis.
You may vaguely remember me from such posts as "Kalgoorlie: Tales from the West Side OR I Wish to the God that I don't Believe in that I was Making Any of this Up" and "Kalgoorlie: Part the Second OR The Lighter Phails of Kal".
It's been a little while and, although this is not another blog post about Kal (though that is coming too, along with one other), I have decided to add another pile of glittering amusement to this portion of the blag-a-blog.
Tonight, apart from leaving a message on Seb's phone whereby I unintentionally possibly insulted him and did not leave my name, I present to you a direct hack'n'slap from the blog of the creator of "The Quantum Mechanics of Jokes" and "When Galaxies Go Wild".
Here, we have the "Physics theories are chicks" analogy courtesy of Robertson Wesley Burgess the Third (Fourth? I forget what version we are up to... and I hope that I have pronounced that correctly. In pseudo-hindsight, I probably just could have typed "Bob" and saved all of us, not to mention these electrons, the hassle. I mean... now I think I am just typing here for the sake of it).
Some of you will, like myself, just have to nod your head and accept that some of this is probably amusing to those who know more about such things.

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Newtonian Physics: Is that chick that... well.... yeah she's kinda hot, but just seems a bit over-rated. I mean.... EVERYONE knows her, everyone makes such a big deal about her, but at the end of the day, is she really THAT good? I say no.

Lagrangian Physics: Is Newtonian Physics's younger sister. Except that unlike Newtonian Physics nobody seems to know about her which is really weird, because only a pretty cursory glance will tell you that she's HOT!! So much hotter than her older sister. She can do all the same things her older sister can, except she's more graceful, more elegant, and easier. You can't help but feel that if only more people knew about her, she'd completely out-shine her older sister.

Special Relativity: is that cool chick that's way fun to hang out with, just don't let things get too serious. She's pretty damn cute, and you two can just kick around talking crap for ages. Everyone seems to know her, and reckon she's pretty cute, but not many seem to know her well. Most people just know her name and that's it. Awesome chick right? Yeah, just don't get too close. Try and get serious with her and she rounds on you, and then it's just a massive pile of headaches until you decide it's better to just stay friends.

General Relativity: Special Relativity's younger sister, but unlike Special, General's a complete bitch! It's a shame, because you know that underneath the nasty veneer she is a VERY FEAKING cool chick. Problem is the second you try to approach her she'll start spouting weird shit at you and you're better off just turning around and talking crap with her sister, even if she's not as cool.

Maxwell's Electromagnetism: Elegance wrapped up in hot. You wish all chicks were this easy to get on with. Everything she does she does with such grace, and you enjoy every minute you spend with her. Only problem is she does lack a bit of depth, and after spending a bit of time with her you find yourself thinking that despite her grace she just lacks a certain something. It's about this time you wish you were talking to Quantum Physics or one of the Relativity sisters instead. But damn, what she can do.... HOT!

Quantum Physics: She's the chick who sits in the corner, and everyone's a bit intimidated by her, even most of the guys who hang out with General Relativity. Yeah, you know she's cool, but you really can't quite decide whether she's hot or ugly. Most people decide ugly and go chat with some other chick instead. Thing is the more you talk to her, the more you come around to her way of thinking. Sure she's really different to the others, and that makes her hard to get to know. It also means that most of the other girls don't like her at all. But take it from a guy who's been getting to know her for several years now; she never stops being a bit bitchy at times, but she is VERY cool, and after a while you start to realise her unconventional appearance contains a certain elegance and beauty.

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And there you have it.
I could have, of course, linked to that very post, but what would be the fun in that?

New Kal post up within the week because, if I say it here, it is on the internet and so must be true.
Hope you're having Fun :)

Eurovision Roundup 2010 - Where Have I Seen This Before?

Last year, I made the lead up of who was in and who was out seem rather easy to understand (Georgia chucked a hissy fit and withdrew, The End). This year, I realised it's much more complicated than that. In none other than our own TV guide, we were told that Andorra, the Czech Republic, Hungary, and Montenagro were all out this year, and Georgia was back in. Italy are out, but have been since the late 1990's. (No doubt there are some other ins and outs that I've not bothered to look up or attempt to understand from the unnecessarily complicated Wiki article.)

Now, like I mentioned in my preview post, I acted upon the opportunity to see some of the entries for this year. I had the chance to see more, but I figured that would be spoiling and decided to wait. You need just enough to give you an idea without experiencing the full ungodly horror before you're mentally prepared.

Once again, since Wogan is no longer on commentating duties, we were treated to the equally dry Sam Pang and Julia Zemiro. By the end of the three night event, I was starting to think that Wogan may have met his match.

Disclaimer: I'm not going to cover every single act, but rather just the ones worth talking about.


Semi Final 1 - Night of the Unnecessary Violins

The first thing we were told (by Sam & Julia) is that this year's competition is aimed at one family in the United Kingdom. What? What about the millions of other viewers? We were all treated to some stock standard footage of bad CGI glowing orbs flying around places, which I guess is meant to represent - hang on. Doesn't SBS use a whole lot of little circles as their new image? The motto for this year's competition seemed to be "Share The Moment." I thought that was the slogan for Coca Cola or Mars Bars or something, but I couldn't find any evidence to back that up.

And then we were treated to Oslo's attempt to shake things up a bit:we didn't have a host and hostess. Oh no. We had a host and two hostesses. All I could think about was how that affected the drinking game. What do you do if they both change there outfits? Answer: Nothing, because they didn't. Then we had their second attempt to shake things up, with the new rule that you could vote throughout the entire broadcast, and not just during a tedious 15 minute segment at the end of it all. (You could still vote for as many countries as you liked.) These two shake-ups, hosts and all, were carried over to the final.

17 countries competed in Semi Final One. Ten lucky countires got to go through to the final. Millions of unlucky viewers had to dal with Moldova's entry first up. Millions of unlucky viewers would have to deal with it again, because it managed to progress to the final. Although, why would you need to watch anymore Eurovision after seeing punk rockers with a violin and a saxophone?

There are many acts in Eurovision that have what they would think are "arty" costumes. One of these acts is no doubt also going to feature some panpipes somewhere while a woman dressed up a a tree does some ballet. There is also one act that has someone stand at the side of the stage, dressed completely different from everyone else and looking totally out of place compared to the rest of the act. This year it was Slovakia. On the plus side, they were dressed up as elves and the lead songstress looked kinda cute.

Finalnd, the country that a few years ago gave us Lordi, this year gave us the reincarnation of Abba fronted by Joy from My name Is Earl. They actually got advice from Lordi, but apart from "Be Yourselves" or something it seemed pretty useless advice. They should have said "dress outrageously and perform hard rock".

Julia warned us that Latvia's entry was grammatically all over the shop. Thanks Julia but you should have warned us that it was boring. And sung by Britney Spears.

Poland gave us what was apparently an Adam and Eve style story. In the right light backstage, the lead singer looked a bit like Paul McDermott. In the wrong light onstage they looked like Ronan Keating (or so I was told). The Polish Lily Allen ate the forbidden fruit, so now I know why that woman is so full of sin. They also all sang this in semi-traditional dress, and for one woman (after a certain point in the song) semi-traditional undress.

While we were taking a break from the onslaught, Sam and Julia demonstrated the impact we can have by voting for our favourite song on the website: none at all. By a strange coincidence, "none at all" is exactly how much suspiciont the Liza Minelli look-a-like from Malta had that she would not be progressing on to the finals. She did have giant angel wings and a smoke machine, but neither helped.

After the rest of the acts had been presented, we were treated to the tedious 15 minutes of voting time that I know you were all waiting for. During this time we had a recap of all the acts (i.e. padding), a sketch that might actually have been funny had it not gone one scene too far with its joke (i.e. padding), another recap (i.e. padding), and then some padding by the hosts (i.e. padding).

As the votes were tallied, we were treated to some more padding! This time in the form of the interval entyertainment about the human voice. It featured yodelling, coughing, beat boxing (including some on a catwalk - best fashion show ever!), singing, chanting....... and tapdancing. (I'm pretty sure that last one isn't generated by the human voice.)

Finally we had some more padding in the form of a preview of the five finalists, followed by the most tediously drawn out reveal of the ten finalists. For those of you paying attention, the acts all finished at 9 p.m. local time, and SBS's broadcast finished at 9:45 p.m., so you knew you were in for some serious padding.


Semi Final 2 - Tainted Love Hard Disk Space

Before we get underway, I can hear you all crying fowl about me reviewing this semi final because I was out celebrating two birthdays on this night. But I, being the resourceful man that I am, recorded the event onto my laptop (and then promptly deleted it once I was done with it).

Lithuania was up first in what was dubbed "the semi final of death" (due to so many strong acts being in it), with Eastern European Funk. No, that wasn't the genre, that was the name of the song. The genre was "Bad Imitation of the Cat Empire". Complete with a costume reveal of.... short silver shorts. Avert your eyes!

Denmark made it through to the final with a disco song that failed to be anything like a disco song, but it did feature what could have been the first reverb of the competition. When Julia Zemiro introduced this song, she used the French name, and all that proved is that Julia Zemiro sounds very sexy speaking in French. Sam Pang described it this way: "Sometimes three minutes.... takes longer than others."

A blonde Miley Cyrus failed to get Sweden over the line, despite the huge guitar.... or was she just really small? Or was it some form of strange illusion, because at some point she stopped playing and the guitar disappeared from the stage.

And after a couple more acts, we were treated to the Netherlands. The general design and sound of the song and staging were rather reminiscent of the sort of thing that would be put in a children's TV show. With good reason. The man who wrote it was Pierre Kartner, the man who wrote the theme song for The Smurfs! Very rarely can something to do with Eurovision be described as "awesome".

Bulgaria gave us a horrible combination of angel wings, 80's hair, Kyle Sandilands, and people covered in silver paint that made them look like they'd been covered in oil.

In between the two standard recaps, we were treated to a tribute to songs that finished in the bottom three, because apparently Norway holds the record for the most last place finishes in Eurovision. Remember that horrible U.K. entry that scored 0 points a while back? It was there and just as horrible as you remember it to be. I was shocked, because for a second night running, Eurovision was actually trying to be funny and succeeding.

Those Human Voice people returned for a second outing of entertainment, this time voicing all the sound effects in a clip of a kid moving through the city (except for a few things like a jet engine).. It was clever, funny, and at times a little bit creepy. Then the people in the Red Gloves manipulate him into travelling to Oslo and dancing onstage while they continued to make rap music noises. "That's how we like to welcome people to Norway." Yikes.

We finally got to the tedious, drawn out virtual envelope opening which was just as tedious and drawn out as it was last time. And after all was said and done after the credits had finished rolling, we had a shot and a musical stung that when added together could only be described as.... foreboding.


The Final - Everything That Would Have Won 25 Years Ago

The Final of the Eurovision Song Contest contained two things that have been lacking from the competition in recent years. Firstly, it contained (and I can't believe I'm about to say this) songs that were actually good. I know, I know, contestants are supposed to keep entering outlandish ABBA wannabes, but that doesn't win votes anymore.

Secondly, as one of the two hostesses stood onstage telling us how many people were watching, she happened to mention that this included people "as far away as Australia". That's right, we all got a collective shout out!

The Final didn't open with any of that, though. Instead, the competition's credibility was sadly upheld further by a classy opening act that took us on a journey through the history of Eurovision, including a pan through the inside of an old 1960's TV set and a quick rush past Big Ben (including Doppler effect).

It didn't take long to get down to business, starting with Azerbaijain, whose main singer was choreographed by the same guy who does Beyonce's choreography. And boy, did it show. It might as well have been Beyonce inside of that woman. She didn't look like Beyonce though. She looked a little bit like Summer Glau. Did I say a little? Because I meant a lot. She's only 17, though. Summer Glau is not....

And with only one act down and a second underway, the controversy kicked in. During Spain's performance, some idiot decided to jump onstage and join in the dancing. While he admittedly did pretty well, it was noticeable enough to be distracting. The organisers decided to give Spain another chance to perform again after all the other acts had done their bit.

Norway's entry was something that I would have thought was typically entered by the U.K. The U.K.'s entry, which came on later on in the night, was something I would have thought was typically something sung over the credits of a Disney film. The U.K., unsurprisingly finished with a grand total of 10 points and last place. The BBC's analysis? They succumbed to old Eurovision clichés that don't work anymore.

Belgium gave us a one-man acoustic guitar song about, well, a man and his guitar. The guy looked a bit like a young Captain Jack Harkness, but the song was actually a pretty decent one and nice to listen to.

When I first saw Serbia's entry during Semi Final One, I was stunned. Not because it was bad, because it wasn't. Not because it was good, because it wasn't. Some songs define a genre. Some songs perhaps defy a genre. This song defied every single genre. It had what can only be described as giant test tubes split in half down one side, 70's fashion, and strange hair, all set some some weird musical genre no one's ever heard from before. The best way I could describe it is indie-disco, but I know that can't be right.

Due to the financial crisis, Greece had to recycle Zorba the Greek, dig up some old tribal dancing, and steal costumes from the upcoming Prince of Persia film to go with it. Turkey traditionally give us belly dancing somewhere in their Eurovision entry. Start celebrating everyone, because for once they didn't! Instead, they gave us emo punk rock. And a female robot version of The Stig who axle grinded her own hand, who then unmasked herself and became a punk bellydancer. Oh.

Albania demonstrated why thou shalt not have gospel singers in a Kylie Minogue / Madonna style disco number. Iceland gave us Disco. Pure, Eurvision, pop diva disco. And an excuse to make Volcano jokes.

Russia continued the time old Eurovision tradition of using completely unnecessary props. Somehow I don't think that you need to hold an actual photograph on stage while your singing about one. To be fair, neither did they, because it wasn't actually a photograph but a pencil sketch or something.

Germany gave us a catchy little pop song not unlike something a slightly more mainstream Missy Higgins would sing. Did I mention it was very catchy? I still can't get the damn thing out of my head.

After the rest of the acts and a neat little sketch from what Sam Pang called the "Norwegian Josh Thomas", we were treated to the obligatory double recap during the 15 minutes of extra voting time. And then in the tradition of interval acts that were actually good and fun to watch this year, we were treated to a dance number performed by hundreds of people in the streets of cities around Europe. The idea was that it was easy to learn so you could join in and dance at home. To prove it, we were also treated to shots of people at home across Europe dancing. Or, in the case of the Ukraine, DANCING. (Okay, I'm not sure if it was that particular in/famous Ukraine act or whether it was just someone who dressed up that way, but they were there.)

And then the votes started to get tallied. If you're like me, this is where you stop watching to avoid the tedious part of the broadcast and look up the winner on the internet. Or, as was the case this year, have the result spoiled earlier in the day by looking at the BBC News RRS feed and forgetting that they would have the result emblazoned in their headlines.


The Final Wrap Up - Is Eurovision Credible Now?

The BBC radio program More or Less (it's mainly about statistics - I highly recommend their podcast, actually) had Azerbaijan, Russia, and Serbia in first, second, and third respectively. Sadly, they didn't do too well with that prediction (although Azerbaijan did come fifth).

The honour of winning the contest went to Germany, with that song that's terribly catchy and pretty conventional by Eurovision standards. The good folks at TV Tonight have posted a video of the winning act as well as the final results, for those of you interested in the voting aftermath.

Did it deserve to win? Yes: I challenge you to watch the song and not get it stuck in your head.

Eurovision 2010: A Quick Preview

I've been lucky enough to stumble upon the music videos for some of this year's entries. I think I can sum up what to expect in one sentence: If you're playing the Eurovision Song Contest Drinking Game, you're going get smashed (and possibly even die of alcohol poisoning).

As usual, I'll have a full wrap up online a few days after the event airs. Keep an eye out for it.

Community Service

Yes, kids and kiddies, after several months of approximately zero content generated by the namesake, it is time to break a proverbial drought. With that most illustrious of filler: A photo and a competition where there is a form of actual glory! HOT DOG!
Here are images. STUDY THEM AND COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:




Right, looked good and hard? Well, here's the thing: We need YOU* to come up with a suitable phrase or idea for a magnet to join the "MANHOS" fridge of terror. The best ideas will join such fine laments as "20 RITALINS" and "SUPERBREAKFAST".

THINK NOW. THINK HARD. Then get drunk and submit any old thing and win.

*Being someone who we don't have to pay

Lambie Reviews: Films He Watched in April 2010

Every so often I'll grab the weekly TV guide, go through it, and make a note of all the movies I should watch. Then I usually record them and watch them later because all the films worth watching are buried at 11 p.m. or broadcast at an otherwise inconvenient time. For those of you who are curious, here is (most of) my criteria for what I need to take a look at (and also a handy guide to what I've seen and not seen).

But I figured that viewing these films is only part of the fun. The other part comes from being able to discuss what you've seen, whether it was any good, and whether it deserved to win the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. So I decided that since I recorded a hell of a lot of films over one week, and since Seb's lot of reviews seemed to go down well, why not give you more of a good thing by reviewing all the films you missed watching the week before Easter?


Murder on the Orient Express (1974)

Sidney Lumet directs a bunch of Hollywood stars on a train and someone happens to be murdered while Hercule Poirot is on board. Since everyone on the train seems to know who Poirot is, this is probably the stupidest thing a murderer can do.

Lumet loves his long takes, and the Academy loved Ingrid Bergman's 5 minute performance as a Swedish missionary enough to give her an Oscar for Best Actress in a Supporting Role. Okay, so she's in the film for more than 5 minutes, but her 5 minutes with Poirot are really the only major scene she has. To be fair to the Academy, she is pretty good in it.

The film is worth seeing for the cleverly chilling opening sequence (the 1930 sequence, not the opening titles) and, obviously, to try and work out who did it. Although, for some reason I already knew who did it and how. I must have caught the end of it a while back. It didn't spoil the film, though.


Not Quite Hollywood (2008)

Won the AFI award for Best Documentary, and rightfully so. Good documentaries don't take one side, but explore all sides. This doco on Australian genre films in the 70's and 80's (known as Ozploitation films) does just that. Some people liked the sex and violence, while others thought it was gratuitous and resulted in some bad films.

We get to hear the opinions of a wide range of people and the film flourishes on the simple fact that someone's opinion may vary from one film to the next. Except for Quentin Tarintino, who seems to love every move he talked about to bits more than anyone actually involved in the films.

(Bonus Pop Quiz: Tarintino even says he sort of paid homage to an Australian horror film in Kill Bill. Do you know which film it is and how it's referenced?)


Pandora and the Flying Dutchman (1951)

An interesting exploration of the legend of the Flying Dutchman nearly ruined by poorly shot night scenes (they might as well be pitch black) and some slow pacing here and there (stop singing and get on with it). The interplay between the old archaeologist and the doomed captain is perhaps more interesting than the relationship between the doomed captain and Pandora.


Maria Full of Grace (2004)

City of God is the most powerful foreign language film I have ever seen (and puts most Hollywood films to shame). Maria Full of Grace not only carries the same tone, but also captures the same emotional power I remember feeling after viewing City of God. It's not quite as good as City of God, but it comes close.

That should be all you need to know about this film.


Paradise Now (2005)

A film about two would-be suicide bombers that probably doesn't know what it's main message is until it's too late. The last sequence could have carried much more impact had the characterisation not been a confusing mess.


Casino (1995)

Pure Martin Scorsese. Long tracking shots, voice overs, natural sounding dialogue, soundtrack that appropriates existing songs, interesting plot subject, and rich characterisation. The only problem I have with the film is a problem I have with a lot of films that are "based on true events".

A film doesn't necessarily need to have a three act structure, but it does need to have a plot that at least feels like it's progressing and going somewhere. You could argue that real life events are one long continuing plot, but the problem is that they're also made up of smaller plots and stories. Many films based on these real events therefore have to portray these little events in order to portray the bigger picture. The problem is that it's not always clear to me how or what these events are doing to progress the film and the overall emotional arc. Casino falls into that trap for me, but that doesn't necessarily make it a bad film.


Cactus Flower (1969)

I missed the opening credits to this film, and for a few minutes thought I'd missed the whole point of the film as a result. Turns out I didn't, and it has it's moments. The title refers to the flowers that occasionally appear on cactuses, but what that's got to do with the actual plot doesn't become apparent until the plot is mostly resolved. It also stars Ingrid Bergman (for more than 5 minutes this time).


Empire of the Sun (1987)

A Steven Spielberg epic based on a semi-autobiographical book about an English boy (played by a very young Christian Bale) living in the part of China occupied by the British. When WWII breaks out, he's separated from his parents and spends most of his time in the POW camps holding civilians. In particular, he spends a lot of time in a camp next to a Japanese controlled airfield, which fuels his love for aircraft.

At it's heart it seems pretty simple, doesn't it? A lost boy trying to do anything to get back to his parents. Yet somehow Spielberg, with his usual team (producer Kathleen Kennedy, composer John Williams, and second unit director Frank Marshall are a few names that spring out), manages to create something quite moving that transcends its flaws.

And according to the IMDb, Ben Stiller's in it. Somewhere.


Dark City - Director's Cut (1998 / 2008)

Okay, so this film's not one that aired on TV during the week before Easter and I've seen it many times before. Those of you who have heard me rant on about this film probably know that I consider it a cult classic that everyone should watch. But that doesn't mean I can't review it here. After all, I did watch it in April. (If you're playing along at home, do not watch the theatrical cut. If you do, mute the soundtrack until the opening credits.)

A man wakes up in a bathtub with no memory of who he is. Evidence points to him being a serial killer, but nothing in this world adds up. Strange people dressed in black are looking for him and are as determined to find him as the police. A beach everyone knows about but no one knows how to get to. Time doesn't seem to work properly. The sun seems to have disappeared.

Sure, it's not a perfect film (director Alex Proyas even says so). The final showdown is a bit cheesy, for example, as is the final conversation between our two main characters. But it's one of those films that rewards a second viewing and some thought or discussion on its central themes.

Kalgoorlie: Part The Second... or The Lighter Phails of Kal

It's been one of those highly amusing times whereby the earth moves for you. This week, it was literally as an earthquake that registered 5 on the Richter scale slapped Kal-Boulder silly. It has practically shut down the main street of Boulder and is still giving us after shocks that would be in the range of about 2 on the Richter scale. Fun times.
Oh, and I got old. Thanks all, much appreciated :)

Back to the sub-regularly scheduled amusement...

Many of the stories related to you in my next few posts been told to most of you via my visit a short while back and/or over the phone and/or the internet.
Stories can only tell so much. Pictures are arguably better. So here I attempt to bring you less text and more context. Less conversation and more action. Something like that.
It's possible that I have failed, but... whatever. You get pictures, and that's all that counts.

Kalgoorlie is not actually classified as Desert but as some type of Woodland. Indeed it is much greener than many, including myself, think it to be. Sure, the dust is mostly red... but looking down upon the place from the air and you can see that the place is actually kinda green.
That said, we get vast amounts of sunny days. I can count on one hand the number of cloudy/rainy days that we have had since I got here in late January. Including every time that I have more than two days off for a weekend. Perhaps I have become a rain god or something.
Anyhew, the lack of cloud/rain is what makes this such a funny picture:

For those that can not see correctly, this is a tanning salon. In the middle of the near-desert. Yeah.

Given the sunny disposition of this area of land, you would think that Solar Panels and Hot Water would be a big thing here.
Guess again.
The following images are the only places that I have seen so far with Solar Hot Water:

That second image is of a pub/restaurant.
Of course, I could be wrong as I pass a solar centre on the way to the hockey centre... but very few places around here appear to utilise it.
This is possibly because your house naturally gives you warm water in the summer and it is bloody freezing in winter. How do I know this second one? Well... I am judging by the temperature now: COLD.
Also, they apparently get frosts once or twice a year.

The following is the major text part of the blog.
Skimpies
Depending on where you stand, the following could be a highlight or another lowlight of Kal. To me, it is neither but just something somewhat unique to mining towns and the US of A in the form of Hooters.
So... I get invited to go out pubbing with the locum radiographers on the first day there. We start of at a place called “The Exchange”. Unbeknownst to me at the time, it is a skimpy bar. Highly amusing as I walk in and, behind the counter, are maids wearing a whole lot of not a lot. Stockings, bikinis and lace corsets are part of the serving staff dress code here. Not a bad way to start off your Kal Pubbing Career, really. The Exchange actually is pretty good for a skimpy bar. It feels kinda like a saloon Old West style and also has a wide array of TVs, usually set to various sports or music. Still a bit seedy, similar to what the Lucky was or most Maitland pubs, if Seb's earlier post on such things is to be believed, so... whatever.
Later on, we went across the road to a place called “The Palace”. This place is actually several venues in one. One portion is a fairly swanky (for Kal) hotel/restaurant. One portion is a regular pub style arrangement and usually has some form of karaoke. However, we went to the third one. This is called the “Gold Bar” (here on referred to as “The Palace”, as it is where most of the activity at the Palace is anyway). Here, the air conditioning is turned on so the temperature is probably sub-20 degrees and we have skimpy girls wearing even more racy outfits (i.e. wearing less and/or clothes from one of the numerous sex shops).
And Fripples, because tits a bit nipply at that temperature.
And later on some evenings, particularly after they have gone for a round of collecting tips off the largely male patrons, they go topless. Not bad for the second pub you get taken to.
It must be noted that I was with one male and two female radiographers and it was the ladies' idea that we head to the Palace at that point in time (and, no, they aren't lesbians). I maintain innocence in all of this. These also happen to be the most central and nearest pubs to the majority of people I know and, the Exchange at least, one of the more frequented pubs by the crew. Completely innocent.
There are more pubs, of course, and some of them are ok. De Bernales, for example, is somewhat similar to Finnegans in that there is a centralised bar/restaurant and will turn in to a club on certain nights. Seems to cater for the younger crowd whilst still remaining a decent pub during non-dance nights. Judds does pretty good wood fired pizzas, though the carpeted portions of the floor often feel like you are walking on honey. I really hope that sticky stuff is from beer. It's a pretty safe bet for a reasonable night out though, and is where I spent most of my Australia Day, though they really have to improve their staff ability... they tend to take their sweet-ass time and make mistakes like “I asked for a 4X, not Teds” or “No, I did not order a beer. I said lemonade. And I gave you a tenner, not a fiver”. Less likely to be belted too, but is one of the more distant pub walks from where I am.
They apparently have a “boob-breakfast”, otherwise known as a “tits-and-toast” place back home, at one of the pubs, though I've not been that far down that particular street to confirm or deny this.
I will give you a tour of some Kal Pubs in the future.

Beer.
Toohey's Extra Dry is known as “Ted's” here. Say “Extra Dry” and you are likely to get the “Are you stupid?” look from the person serving you. “Toohey's Extra Dry” will get you a moment of confusion followed by the look of “Ah, I know what you mean... why don't you call it Ted's like everyone else?” look. Good thing that I am not a major fan of this Ted guy, even if most people here seem to be.
You can not order a Schooner here. Again, the “Pants-on-Head Retarded?” look appears on the bar tender's face... unless they are from the Eastern states, in which case they just smile knowingly and say “They don't have schooners here.” You can get middies and pints. Also jugs. You can get a jug that serves eight or so middies for $10-15, depending on where you go, what night it is and what you are having. It costs roughly $5 for a middy of most things alcoholic, and bottles are $7+.
They do not have Toohey's Old on tap, but they do have Guinness at a couple of pubs. I'm still not sold on it as a substitute. Even Paddy's day hass not convinced me... though drinking Pints of Guinness on that day was amusing. I have taken to drinking XXXX if going for beer and only going with Teds if it is in jug form and the entire table is also drinking it. I have tried Swan Draught, a Perth based beer. It starts off fairly average but the after taste is like your mouth after having several Extra Drys in a few minutes: BAD.

It may amuse you that they have a bit of a travelling karaoke thing here. There are a few different karaoke groups/presenters/things and they go to different pubs every second or third night. It's a bit of a thing here, with both young, miners and old alike participating. What else is there to do, right? Oh... skimpies. Right.
However... What kind of Karaoke has Baha Men's “Who let the Dogs Out” and Scooter's techno remake of “The Logical Song”, but has no Franz Ferdinand or The Killers... y'know, songs with actual lyrics that can be sung? (that's a lie: one of them has Franz Ferdinand's “No You Girls”... hardly the most likely Franz candidate for Karaoke, but something that I may be game to have a go at next time I am out... after appropriate alcoholic consumption, of course)
For amusement purposes, they each had two and a half pages of Elvis, one and a half pages of Tina Turner and a page of Frank Sinatra and Neil Diamond. About a third of each are, for some reason, duplicates and triplicates of songs. One song had five or six versions by the same artist. And, of course, they have no indication, other than serial number, as to what is different between them. Why do Karaoke people keep doing that? Among other things, there was also half a page of Black Eyed Peas, “Who the Fuck is Alice?” and South Park's “Chocolate Salty Balls”. The variety is outstanding, lacking only in some of the more obvious/basic choices.
And, of course, as with all karaoke there are the freaks. There are people who start off looking average and become hot as you hear their voice because they are genuinely good... and, for each one of them, there are at least five that start hot and you wish incinerated along with their voice. Or at least get rid of the sound of cats screwing whilst they mime the song. And drunk people. And the creepy old guy.

Kalgoorlie-Boulder has a population of roughly 30-35 thousand and most main roads are dual lane & wide open and most non-dual lane roads are wide enough to fit two or three cars in both directions if you want to attempt Sydney traffic. For some unknown reason, it also has such streets and intersections that are one way/turn left only... as well as several traffic intersections where they have Four Way Pedestrian crossings.... y'know the ones like Sydney where hundreds of people cross whilst all directions of road traffic are blocked., except that here in Kal you would be lucky to see more than five people cross overall let alone anyone diagonally crossing the street. And I think I get stared at when I diagonally cross the street. More often than not there is one person who presses the button, crosses when there is no traffic and then holds up all directions of traffic ten seconds later whilst all cars wait for the now non-existent pedestrian to cross the intersection.
They also have no concept of the “Left Turn on Red after Stopping” sign that is common, not to mention a great time saver, back home.
However, they do have a great number of U-turn bays, cut out near the ends of every intersection where ever there is a solid path construction in the middle of the road separating the directions of traffic. Including near roundabouts.
And, with that, I now show you some of the more amusing road signs in Kal.

What makes this funny? That is a Roundabout sign in Yellow up the top (missing the left hand turn, but... whatever). For those who still don't get it, look at the "No U-Turn" sign beneath it... near a roundabout. Yeah...

This guy is a standard phail as you can see it in most cities around the world... but I am bringing it to your attention now so as you know what to look out for next time you are out.

Here, we have the disabled figure... only this guy appears not to be on the wheelchair but rather has it stuck up his arse. Either that, or we could add a little bit to the image... and turn it in to a bulldozer wailing upon people like this:

That's right. Phear my l33t paintbrush skillz.
...
I think I just made myself sick a little on the inside.
So, moving on...
This is, again, a common sign on traffic lights in many cities, so I will bring your attention to what you are actually seeing here:

If you stand still here for too long, you may ingest toxic, poisonous and radioactive material so you may start to glow.
Or, at least that is what I see... especially after reading a somewhat biased report into the apparently "secret" transportation of Uranium through Kalgoorlie and how the school children were doomed because a truck stopped (or may stop) in front of a school for a few seconds. Of course then the head of Uranium mining piped up a day or two later and said that there was no link between Radiation from Uranium and leukaemia because the original article never cited any research articles, so it pays to take a middle-stance in these arguments (i.e. the stance of logic)... or no stance/"stand the hell away from here" (i.e. the stance of sanity).

This is an amusing sign for several reasons. Number One: Signs that state the bleedingly obvious are inherently funny. Number Two: Of the eight possible directions for a pedestrian to enter this set of crossroads, this sign is only displayed on two. And both in the same direction. Let's hear it for public safety!

Walking to the hospital a few weeks back, I regretted not taking my iPod Nano with me for it has camera capabilities. Why would I want that whilst walking to the Hospital? Apart from audio/radio goodness, I saw a sign for a recruitment and training agency, looking for “Process Technitions”. Evidently, there is no spell check on Blackboards (it's supposed to be spelt “technicians”, for those who are hard-of-spelling). Nice work, recruitment agency!
Then I saw the Mystery Mobile.
Remember Scooby Doo (or at least the good ol' cartoon days of Scooby Doo)? Yeah... that was parked nearby. Because of the Monster Truck show that came up that weekend, it was there as promotion along with a few monster trucks. What made this Mystery Mobile special? Well, apart from it being the freakin' Mystery Mobile and so therefore worthy of your attention, this Mystery Mobile had metallic paint and had something that resembled a jet or rocket engine inserted in to the back end. The slogan “the fastest jet-powered van in the world” was painted on one of the windows (or was it "rocket -powered"? I can't remember...).
Not a bad day to miss having a camera, was it?

So... that's a bit more text than what I originally intended.
As such, one final image to leave you with tonight... an image take from the advertising boards at the hockey centre.
An Image that needs no explanation:

Conspiracies, According to YouTube

YouTube is not just full of crazy people putting up videos trying to pass off stupidity as paranormal events. Oh no. There's a special breed of YouTube user that runs parallel to the paranormal fans: the crazy conspiracy theorist. I'm not talking about the usual stuff that you may come across, such as the stock standard September 11 conspiracies, extremist climate change sceptics, or laughable moon landing hoax claims.

We're talking the stuff that occasionally overlaps with the paranormal fans. We're talking real crackpot conspiracy stuff here.

Their videos come in many guises. We'll be exploring just a couple of the many facets common to this YouTube genre, specifically mundane videos and abused science.


Videos Taken Out of Context

We'll start with this security video footage claiming to be Men in Black. Well, they are men. And they are in black. And they do seem sinister. But that's about as far as I could get with that before realising that they're probably just well dressed criminals. Actually, that's a lie. I realised that after about 10 seconds.

Another example is also the sort of video that has an explanation which takes longer to read than its actual runtime, such as this video. It runs for about a minute and 45 seconds. And features nothing but footage of helicopters accompanied by text that takes about 5 years to read (I will admit I never read it). Yes, apparently this is groundbreaking proof that there's something sinister going on. So groundbreaking that this video also covers the genre of videos that are TITLED ENTIRELY IN CAPS.

The problem with videos out of context is that you have to stumble upon them, rather than hunt them down. They don't seem to be anything out of the ordinary and so are easily missed. However, there are conspiracies out there that are much easier to find.


Videos That Misinterpret Science

To be fair, like the Out Of Context Conspiracy, some of the Misinterpreted Science Conspiracy videos are also fairly easy to miss since they too don't appear to be anything out of the ordinary. Others, however, stand out like a sore thumb. Such as this video claiming that the "Earth is in fact growing". What?

Don't worry, it's all explained in a style of fuzzy logic that almost makes sense. Until you reach the comment about the duck-billed platypus, that is. Then you know that you're in for a real treat. This video demonstrates the hallmarks of a classic conspiracy video: huge leaps of logic that defy all strands of reasonable thought, supported by CGI worthy of an 80's classroom science video.

This video goes one step further, and can really only be described as the conspiracy theory version of Zero Puntuation. It hammers you with real science so hard and so fast that you are so stunned by the bizarre claims that you don't notice the inconsistencies in the scientific explanations. (Hint: I suspect a liquid moving at relativistic speeds will still increase in mass regardless of whether it experiences friction or not, so it's going to be pretty damn hard to find enough energy to get it there.)

If you do notice those weird, selectively ignored facts, then you're still stunned that you stop paying attention for a couple of minutes trying to figure out what the hell they were on about. This is partly because in these sorts of videos you should not mention what the conspiracy actually is until the very end of the 10 minutes, and even then you should encourage your viewers to play around with oh so safe mercury before you do. And make the conspiracy just as stunningly bizarre as the actual video for good measure.

Misunderstanding the effects of black holes and gravity seem to be a key element in these sorts of "scientific" videos. Throw in a few Mayan calendar and Planet X (aka "Nibiru") references, and you've got some very bizarre claims being made indeed. With a YouTube title like that, you know what you're in for before you even start the video playing.


Videos That Completely Ignore Science

Perhaps one of the most well known examples of this category would ironically also be a conspiracy that never really managed to completely get off the ground: free energy. This particular video has it all. Men in Black. The CIA. The Pentagon. Mysterious deaths. Nikolai Tesla.

Water powered fuel cells that, according to a basic knowledge of science (and Wikipedia), would violate the fundamental laws of physics. Results described as "too good". Perpetual motion machines powered by rotating magnets. The list goes on and on. In fact, there are so many ludicrous claims made in that video that you could spend hours looking up and exploring a whole wealth of further claims and information.


The Way It Should Be Done

Clearly, when it comes to creating a conspiracy video on YouTube there is only one possibility. Go for the satire option instead.