YouTube is not just full of crazy people putting up videos trying to pass off stupidity as paranormal events. Oh no. There's a special breed of YouTube user that runs parallel to the paranormal fans: the crazy conspiracy theorist. I'm not talking about the usual stuff that you may come across, such as the stock standard September 11 conspiracies, extremist climate change sceptics, or laughable moon landing hoax claims.
We're talking the stuff that occasionally overlaps with the paranormal fans. We're talking real crackpot conspiracy stuff here.
Their videos come in many guises. We'll be exploring just a couple of the many facets common to this YouTube genre, specifically mundane videos and abused science.
Videos Taken Out of Context
We'll start with this security video footage claiming to be Men in Black. Well, they are men. And they are in black. And they do seem sinister. But that's about as far as I could get with that before realising that they're probably just well dressed criminals. Actually, that's a lie. I realised that after about 10 seconds.
Another example is also the sort of video that has an explanation which takes longer to read than its actual runtime, such as this video. It runs for about a minute and 45 seconds. And features nothing but footage of helicopters accompanied by text that takes about 5 years to read (I will admit I never read it). Yes, apparently this is groundbreaking proof that there's something sinister going on. So groundbreaking that this video also covers the genre of videos that are TITLED ENTIRELY IN CAPS.
The problem with videos out of context is that you have to stumble upon them, rather than hunt them down. They don't seem to be anything out of the ordinary and so are easily missed. However, there are conspiracies out there that are much easier to find.
Videos That Misinterpret Science
To be fair, like the Out Of Context Conspiracy, some of the Misinterpreted Science Conspiracy videos are also fairly easy to miss since they too don't appear to be anything out of the ordinary. Others, however, stand out like a sore thumb. Such as this video claiming that the "Earth is in fact growing". What?
Don't worry, it's all explained in a style of fuzzy logic that almost makes sense. Until you reach the comment about the duck-billed platypus, that is. Then you know that you're in for a real treat. This video demonstrates the hallmarks of a classic conspiracy video: huge leaps of logic that defy all strands of reasonable thought, supported by CGI worthy of an 80's classroom science video.
This video goes one step further, and can really only be described as the conspiracy theory version of Zero Puntuation. It hammers you with real science so hard and so fast that you are so stunned by the bizarre claims that you don't notice the inconsistencies in the scientific explanations. (Hint: I suspect a liquid moving at relativistic speeds will still increase in mass regardless of whether it experiences friction or not, so it's going to be pretty damn hard to find enough energy to get it there.)
If you do notice those weird, selectively ignored facts, then you're still stunned that you stop paying attention for a couple of minutes trying to figure out what the hell they were on about. This is partly because in these sorts of videos you should not mention what the conspiracy actually is until the very end of the 10 minutes, and even then you should encourage your viewers to play around with oh so safe mercury before you do. And make the conspiracy just as stunningly bizarre as the actual video for good measure.
Misunderstanding the effects of black holes and gravity seem to be a key element in these sorts of "scientific" videos. Throw in a few Mayan calendar and Planet X (aka "Nibiru") references, and you've got some very bizarre claims being made indeed. With a YouTube title like that, you know what you're in for before you even start the video playing.
Videos That Completely Ignore Science
Perhaps one of the most well known examples of this category would ironically also be a conspiracy that never really managed to completely get off the ground: free energy. This particular video has it all. Men in Black. The CIA. The Pentagon. Mysterious deaths. Nikolai Tesla.
Water powered fuel cells that, according to a basic knowledge of science (and Wikipedia), would violate the fundamental laws of physics. Results described as "too good". Perpetual motion machines powered by rotating magnets. The list goes on and on. In fact, there are so many ludicrous claims made in that video that you could spend hours looking up and exploring a whole wealth of further claims and information.
The Way It Should Be Done
Clearly, when it comes to creating a conspiracy video on YouTube there is only one possibility. Go for the satire option instead.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
The Result of Bob's Boredom: Another Contribution to This Blog
Hello people!
“Oh dear god!” I hear you all saying, “Bob’s on the blog, RUN!!” And I’m sure many of you are wondering why the dickens I have decided to contribute to the blog, albeit through my proxy Lambie. Well, there’s a few reasons, but I guess the major reason would be a severe level of boredom brought on by my calculations taking a week to run (and I’m not exaggerating in the slightest) coupled with my determination to shut down Facebook, MSN, and all such similar demons of distraction. Yes that’s right people; I am no longer on any online chat or social networking program or website.
So hence I thought I’d run a quick rant up about something that’s actually been getting me alternatively excited and extremely bored; computer games in the last few years.
Now in some ways I think that computer gaming has been reaching beautiful highs. Games have been getting fun again. They’ve gotten silly again, and small independent programmers have been coming out of the woodwork with simple, fun games that really show the big guys that there are other ways of running things. I for one was getting rather bored with the hoe-hum that some computer game developers were putting out, and was starting to feel that we’d reached a plateau in the gaming world and we’d be sitting there for a while. I was wrong, with one exception that I’ll come back to.
The big difference to me is that gaming has become so much more about the actual GAMEPLAY rather than producing the same game over and over again with prettier graphics and a shitty gimmick. And in my view, we have one game that we should be recognising as the milestone that started this trend. Half Life 2.
Now I hear you all saying “But Bob, HL:2 was a visual feast that blew everything before it completely out of the water, how can you argue that it started the trend AWAY from recycling the same ideas but with prettier graphics.” Now obviously HL:2 was beautiful to behold, and yes in terms of gameplay it did follow the same formula of linear first-person gameplay, however lets look at what has happened since this milestone.
Here’s a screenshot from Half Life 2 [Editor's Note - Clicking on image will not make image close]:
Now for contrast, below is a picture from Battlefield: Bad Company 2, which I have simply chosen as being one of the most recent first-person shooters available.
Now I will happily admit that Battlefield does look spiffier. However let’s look at the years that these games were put out. Half Life 2 was released in later 2004, whereas Battlefield was released in early 2010. So there is over 5 years of computer game development that had to go into that improvement in graphics. To give us an idea of what 5 years of graphics development can do, lets have a look at Unreal Tournament, a game that was released in late 1999, almost exactly 5 years before Half Life 2:
And five years before that, the veneratble Doom 2 was released, looking a lot like this:
Now do you guys start to see what I’m getting at? Half Life 2 is a 5 year-old gaming veteran and yet when I picked it up recently I wasn’t blown away by how crap it looked. In fact far from it, I was amazed at how pretty it still looked.
To me the revelation must be something similar to me looking at… say… Brigite Bardot and thinking to myself “Yep, I’d still do her”. This is not to say that she hasn’t aged well, and it certainly is not to say that in her day she wasn’t a fox, but sorry girls, people don’t stack up to younger models when they’re in their 70s, and computer games don’t stack up to younger games when they are 5 years old.
Well, at least they didn’t use to. But it seems that they do now. And this is a good thing…. It means that in order to make a game sell, and to make people buy your game rather than sticking with their 5 year-old gaming veteran, you need to actually do something different with gameplay!
Oh and haven’t they! To just look at the first person genre, just take a look at Portal. Visually it was almost identical to Half Life 2, but gameplay wise it was all about the “OH MY GOD THIS GAME IS HURTING MY BRAIN BUT IN A GOOD WAY! AAAARRRGGGHHHH I NOW WALK AROUND REAL LIFE THINKING WITH PORTALS!” which is usually followed by “THE CAKE IS A LIE!” or maybe “I LOVE MY COMPANION CUBE!”
Or moving into the multiplayer genre we can look at the Call of Duty franchise. No longer is sticking a bunch of people in an arena and letting them blast the shit out of each other merely enough (YES! I’m looking at you Quake 4, what a load of bollocks that game was) now we need fast, frantic team-based play. Like I said, it’s fun!
Oh and lets not forget Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead 2, which proved once and for all that sometimes there are few things funner than yelling “ZOMBIES!!! ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE!!! SHOOT THE ZOMBIES!!!!” with 3 of your good friends.
This shift of focus towards gameplay has also helped the humble independent developer. We now live in a world where games like World of Goo can be created by 2 people, stuck up on the internet and gain huge followings. Who would have thought that a fresh, novel idea, coupled with a bizarre sense of humour and a large pile of goo could be so addictive and fun? Certainly not me. Oh, and if you haven’t had the chance, I recommend playing World of Goo multiplayer on the Wii. Stupid ridiculous fun it is indeed.
Ok, well I think I’ve had a long enough rant for today. For any of you who actually managed to pay attention to all of this, I did miss out on a lot. Most notably, I didn’t get around to the exception that I feel has been letting gaming down for several years now. Maybe I’ll right that section up later, if I feel like it.
Have fun people!
Bob
“Oh dear god!” I hear you all saying, “Bob’s on the blog, RUN!!” And I’m sure many of you are wondering why the dickens I have decided to contribute to the blog, albeit through my proxy Lambie. Well, there’s a few reasons, but I guess the major reason would be a severe level of boredom brought on by my calculations taking a week to run (and I’m not exaggerating in the slightest) coupled with my determination to shut down Facebook, MSN, and all such similar demons of distraction. Yes that’s right people; I am no longer on any online chat or social networking program or website.
So hence I thought I’d run a quick rant up about something that’s actually been getting me alternatively excited and extremely bored; computer games in the last few years.
Now in some ways I think that computer gaming has been reaching beautiful highs. Games have been getting fun again. They’ve gotten silly again, and small independent programmers have been coming out of the woodwork with simple, fun games that really show the big guys that there are other ways of running things. I for one was getting rather bored with the hoe-hum that some computer game developers were putting out, and was starting to feel that we’d reached a plateau in the gaming world and we’d be sitting there for a while. I was wrong, with one exception that I’ll come back to.
The big difference to me is that gaming has become so much more about the actual GAMEPLAY rather than producing the same game over and over again with prettier graphics and a shitty gimmick. And in my view, we have one game that we should be recognising as the milestone that started this trend. Half Life 2.
Now I hear you all saying “But Bob, HL:2 was a visual feast that blew everything before it completely out of the water, how can you argue that it started the trend AWAY from recycling the same ideas but with prettier graphics.” Now obviously HL:2 was beautiful to behold, and yes in terms of gameplay it did follow the same formula of linear first-person gameplay, however lets look at what has happened since this milestone.
Here’s a screenshot from Half Life 2 [Editor's Note - Clicking on image will not make image close]:
Now for contrast, below is a picture from Battlefield: Bad Company 2, which I have simply chosen as being one of the most recent first-person shooters available.
Now I will happily admit that Battlefield does look spiffier. However let’s look at the years that these games were put out. Half Life 2 was released in later 2004, whereas Battlefield was released in early 2010. So there is over 5 years of computer game development that had to go into that improvement in graphics. To give us an idea of what 5 years of graphics development can do, lets have a look at Unreal Tournament, a game that was released in late 1999, almost exactly 5 years before Half Life 2:
And five years before that, the veneratble Doom 2 was released, looking a lot like this:
Now do you guys start to see what I’m getting at? Half Life 2 is a 5 year-old gaming veteran and yet when I picked it up recently I wasn’t blown away by how crap it looked. In fact far from it, I was amazed at how pretty it still looked.
To me the revelation must be something similar to me looking at… say… Brigite Bardot and thinking to myself “Yep, I’d still do her”. This is not to say that she hasn’t aged well, and it certainly is not to say that in her day she wasn’t a fox, but sorry girls, people don’t stack up to younger models when they’re in their 70s, and computer games don’t stack up to younger games when they are 5 years old.
Well, at least they didn’t use to. But it seems that they do now. And this is a good thing…. It means that in order to make a game sell, and to make people buy your game rather than sticking with their 5 year-old gaming veteran, you need to actually do something different with gameplay!
Oh and haven’t they! To just look at the first person genre, just take a look at Portal. Visually it was almost identical to Half Life 2, but gameplay wise it was all about the “OH MY GOD THIS GAME IS HURTING MY BRAIN BUT IN A GOOD WAY! AAAARRRGGGHHHH I NOW WALK AROUND REAL LIFE THINKING WITH PORTALS!” which is usually followed by “THE CAKE IS A LIE!” or maybe “I LOVE MY COMPANION CUBE!”
Or moving into the multiplayer genre we can look at the Call of Duty franchise. No longer is sticking a bunch of people in an arena and letting them blast the shit out of each other merely enough (YES! I’m looking at you Quake 4, what a load of bollocks that game was) now we need fast, frantic team-based play. Like I said, it’s fun!
Oh and lets not forget Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead 2, which proved once and for all that sometimes there are few things funner than yelling “ZOMBIES!!! ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE!!! SHOOT THE ZOMBIES!!!!” with 3 of your good friends.
This shift of focus towards gameplay has also helped the humble independent developer. We now live in a world where games like World of Goo can be created by 2 people, stuck up on the internet and gain huge followings. Who would have thought that a fresh, novel idea, coupled with a bizarre sense of humour and a large pile of goo could be so addictive and fun? Certainly not me. Oh, and if you haven’t had the chance, I recommend playing World of Goo multiplayer on the Wii. Stupid ridiculous fun it is indeed.
Ok, well I think I’ve had a long enough rant for today. For any of you who actually managed to pay attention to all of this, I did miss out on a lot. Most notably, I didn’t get around to the exception that I feel has been letting gaming down for several years now. Maybe I’ll right that section up later, if I feel like it.
Have fun people!
Bob
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Kalgoorlie: “Cautionary Tales from the West Side” or “I wish to the god that I don't believe in that I was making any of this up”.
It's Friday and, as promised, I am going to post some stuff.
By the way, just a little note that it is Wall-Of-Text o'clock here.
So... I have spoken to many/all of you through SMS or phone or the internets or any combination of the above about how things are here.
And I mean it when I say that I actually don't mind it here.
Of course, I have only spent a few weeks here and a great portion of that was with some of the locum radiographers who were known for their ability to spend at least some portion of every other night of the week at the pubs.
For now, allow me to give you a warning that some of the following may disturb you as I give you a glimpse of Kal's Darkside.
...
Actually... that's a lie. I have yet to see the majority of Kal's Darkside.
Apparently, three or four times a year there are street-sized all-in brawls down the main pub street. I am yet to see that. There are also stories that I have heard second- or third-hand about some of the local population. Stories that make Matt Graham's drawings and stories seem perfectly socially acceptable, even the “Little Timmy” and “Death by Impalement on Oversized Erect Penis” ones. Again, I have yet to experience these first-hand but I will say that it often involves male reproductive juices in places where it really should not go, including non-medically-opened post-surgical wounds, and that “Death by Oversized Penis” would probably be a saving grace for such people. 'Nuff said.
So... the poorly-lit side of Kal then?
Let's begin with my first full day here.
After heading in to the X-Ray department for a quick tour and to say hi to the crew, I went to one of the local supermarkets. After getting myself enough supplies to last me the week, I head to the checkout. My teenaged cashier had just finished a conversation with a co-worker about her moving to Melbourne and how she was dreading the move. Like the naiive fool that I am, I decided to start some small talk and asked why Melbourne is so bad.
“Because my brother and dad live there.”
“Ah. I guess you aren't a fan of them then?”
“Well, actually... my brother is my dad.”
*stands in silence as she explains that her father is also her half-brother, coming from same mother as her*
Like I said at the start, I really wish I made that up.
The majority of the pubs themselves feel like a bit of a gamble in terms of patronage. Largely inhabited by beefy seedy guys, the gamble is whether or not you have hit the pub on a night where every third person is looking for a fight. Indeed, the level of violence is such that on any given Friday or Saturday night, there will be 3+ police officers out the front of every pub just waiting for the call to go in and break up a fight. Monday X-Rays largely include fractures of the hands, face, wrists, and clavicles (collar bones). One thing that I have witnessed, at least from a radiographic perspective, is people that have been having a quiet one out the front of a pub only to be gang-bashed by punch-happy groups looking for the sucker unfortunate enough to be spotted alone. Even my own penchant for wandering along alone is starting to wane due to this. I break if people blink at me too hard, let alone if people actually touch me with intent to cause damage. Here's hoping that daytime travels fall outside of their hunting time, or I will be a messy splat mark on the pavement some time soon.
And the smell.
Kal itself largely smells neutral, if you ignore near the pubs. It is often slightly breezy and I can not say that there is much of a smell. Kinda dry and dusty. Occasionally you get the stench of drying urine, particularly on the corners of alley ways near pubs. To be expected, really. However, I am surprised at the lack of smell because it appears as if half of the population wash no more than it rains.
Given that it has surprisingly rained about six times since I have been here, including two storms of lightning awesomeness that would not be out of place in any Final Fantasy game, I would wager that at least a quarter wash less than it rains... and given that we are desert region, that can not be often at all.
Also, one day a short while ago it smelt like human solid bodily waste from roughly the Exchange to the Primary School 200 or so metres down the road. That is not a good way to start your working day.
Kal is not immune to insanely overweight people either. There is the story of an unfortunate Occupational Therapist who was trapped inside the bath/toilet room of a patient of hers for about half an hour because the guy had wedged himself in the doorway whilst she was inside and physically could not back away *points to previous comment about smell to convey the horror*. There are stories of people being refused the Flying Doctor Service because they could not load them on to the plane with the equipment that they had or patients being left for an hour or two on the sunny tarmac in Perth because the only ambulance there with the capability to take such large passengers was not sent to the airport. I myself have taken (horrible looking) X-Rays of people that you would not expect to live in the city, even with more food delivery and healthcare arrangements possible, let alone in Kal with limited access to such things.
Invariably, the request form for the X-Ray is something along the lines of:
“CXR (that's Chest X-Ray for you non-radiography-types)
Difficulty breathing. Chest pain.”
Of course, the healthcare system is geared towards doing as much as possible to keep people alive (ignoring the hierarchy of ~20 managerial positions, of which only three or four have anything to do with health care)... but, at the risk of sounding insensitive, this includes taking x-rays of the otherwise bleedingly obvious problem of sedentary people who can barely walk, weighing 150+ kilos and having chest pains whilst finding breathing difficult. The phrase “Well, duh...” comes to mind. Of course, without the X-Ray, they can not exclude the possibility of infection of the lungs... but that's probably also a given and difficult to tell on these films anyway.
Feel sorry for the nurses, physios and OccTherapists that have to touch them for more than a second.
At any point in time, if you walk more than 500 metres, you will see someone/people who are drunk and/or carrying booze. I can only imagine the conversation goes a little like this:
“Midday? No Problems: Here's a carton of Carlton Mid Strength! Now just walk in a straight line... ok, a zig-zag is cool too. Only two steps either side of a straight line, so you're practically sober.”
It is not unusual to see people passed out with multiple large bottles next to them on the weekends.
Never look anyone even remotely seedy in the eye, even by mistake or coincidental eye contact, for you are gambling with your sanity and/or life. One of several things will happen:
How about the insects?
The following link, the video clip to the aptly named instrumental "Help Me I Am In Hell" by Nine Inch Nails, ought to suffice.
Especially after it rains.
Actually... the random flashes to bondage gear in that video clip is also somewhat appropriate. Though I have not seen leather-bondage gear openly displayed in Kal, there appears to be more adult stores here than any other type of store... possibly more than Newcastle (possibly also a lie... just).
Back to the flies... Their numbers are starting to decline at the moment, as it becomes cooler but I am convinced that, over summer, they are by far the most numerous inhabitant of Kal... even beating Ants. These flies also are “better” and more annoying than flies back home. I would have thought that they would have been like country flies back home: So stupid that you can get them even at slow speeds. Actually, even given the numbers of them that exist, I have only managed to get maybe five or six in total. These bastards are quicker than your regular city flies, and will do a lap around your head and land back in the same spot that you originally brushed them away from. Worse, they don't mind going orifice camping... meaning that you will often have to be careful when opening your mouth or generally moving things near your ears, eyes and nose. I can compare them to regular mozzies vs. Uni Mozzies: They appear to be some weird mutation on normal insects that are practically impossible to kill without dedicated effort. Actually, that's a lie: I came home one day to find a pair of flies dead on my kitchen table... dead in the middle of shagging. I really wish I had taken a picture of it: There they were, lying on their sides but very clearly died in the middle of having sexy times. I guess that still counts as dedicated effort, even if it was not from me.
Ants are also a popular resident in your surroundings and occasionally home. The flying ones are particularly stupid, landing upside down on any surface at almost every opportunity. The large ones are common, as are your generic black ants. No pathway is without at least one of them.
Numerous flying bugs exist as a way of reminding you that you should be wearing a shirt indoors.
Cockroaches here are huge. The generic house ones are at least as big as any cockroach that you see in Maitland. They are capable of knocking over light boxes of cereal in the middle of the night and walking away with corn flakes, according to one of the sonographers. I also know from first-hand experience that they move quickly and like making noisy steps.
Then there are the Bush Roaches. We are talking palm-of-your-hand sized bastards. And these ones fly.
They also have mosquitoes. They are somewhat rare and less annoying than those back home (i.e. they only leave regular sized bumps if you have sensitive skin), but how they manage to breed out here in the desert is anyone's guess.
And speaking of breeding... Actually, let's not go there for that is an entirely new scary subject that probably should not be discussed outside of the hospital.
The second nearest segue with mosquitoes that I can get is Water and, as you may have guessed from my original post on the blog, the tap water here is none-too-pleasant. Here is how Kal gets its water, from a slightly biased perspective...
Step One: Pump water from Perth or one of those other coastal locations.
Step Two: ????
Step Three: In your mouth because you need it to stay alive, fool (all those who thought this step was going to be “Profit”, turn to the corner in shame).
OK. That is slightly abridged and contained little of humorous or cautionary value, so I will add some things to note about the water.
The first thing you will notice when you turn on a tap without a water purifier is that you can taste the chlorine. Without drinking it. After about two days, however, this sensation disappears as you have probably internalised it. It also can only realistically be drunk and “enjoyed” (i.e. not cause facial twitching in disgust) if it has been chilled in the fridge if you have not lived here for less than a week. And even then things could be bad. Of course, the chlorine is there to kill the bugs in the water. Why we have mosquitoes is beyond me, but I suspect that they are at least partially immune to Chlorine. There are also times where the chlorine levels in the water are so high that you might as well be drinking treated pool water.
One of my co-workers will only drink bottled water in part because of that reason, but also for another... See, part of her partner's job is to clean the water filters before it gets pumped for general consumption. In addition to the other sludge-like material that accumulates in ordinary water treatment plants, or indeed overcoming such sludge, is the ever persistent red that exists in Kal... only this is in thick mud form. Yes, that's right people... I drink water that, if you look at it in the right light, is red and tastes slightly of mud. I can see you licking your lips from here.
Here is a completely true and not-at-all fictitious example of what I am talking about:
Incidentally, the pasta I had that night was pretty good.
And, of course, I would be amiss if I did not tell you of the local wildlife that surrounds the reservoir that contains the unnatural mid-desert water. As you may guess, this has little to do with non-human wildlife and a lot more to do with human wildlife that sits around grazing and generally pissing it up around such a water hole...
Which brings me back to water treatment, for I am grateful about the levels of chlorination because of the above fact. I am not entirely sure if this water is Fluoridated either. Teeth here are horrible. Furthermore, for some reason possibly due to the water if what I have heard is correct, people seem to heal bone injuries slower than other places where I have worked.
Even if that last piece is not true, if you blamed the water for anything/everything here you probably would be correct.
A special mention of awfulness goes to Boulder. Boulder is essentially Kalgoorlie South, and the combined city is actually known as Kalgoorlie-Boulder. I have only visited Boulder, for a few hours, when the monthly markets were on, and have sworn to never go back again without a getaway vehicle/detailed escape plan (until possibly the markets next month... maybe.). We managed to walk through the markets, all 300 odd metres of both sides of the street, in 20 minutes. That gives you an idea of how exciting the place is. The road-train that they had, run by the local Lions club and as seen in many markets around Australia, does a lap of half a street... roughly a journey of 200 metres and 3 minutes. And costs $8 to ride. Yeah.
The scary thing about Boulder is the local population. They congregate and wander in groups of anywhere between 5 and 20 and yell at each other across the street in tones that sound like they are going murder everyone in the vicinity. This would not be as much a problem if they did not look like that they were willing to act on such a perceived suggestion. I felt safer in a dodgy Kal bar full of the people actively finding an excuse to start a brawl... and that's saying something. Three of the four pubs that we passed had shattered windows. The other pub was clearly the best thing going for this end of the town as most patrons still had teeth, or at least false ones, and spoke with the volume to less than "near deafening".
And they tell me that many of the surrounding townships (i.e. everything within several hundred kilometres) are much worse.
***
Let's see... Sight, Smell, Touch, Taste and Hearing.
I think I have assaulted your senses enough, for the time being.
Next time, some of the Lighter Phails of Kal, complete with more pictures.
***
Kalgoorlie: Wish you were here, but not in the “because this place is totally awesome” way.
By the way, just a little note that it is Wall-Of-Text o'clock here.
So... I have spoken to many/all of you through SMS or phone or the internets or any combination of the above about how things are here.
And I mean it when I say that I actually don't mind it here.
Of course, I have only spent a few weeks here and a great portion of that was with some of the locum radiographers who were known for their ability to spend at least some portion of every other night of the week at the pubs.
For now, allow me to give you a warning that some of the following may disturb you as I give you a glimpse of Kal's Darkside.
...
Actually... that's a lie. I have yet to see the majority of Kal's Darkside.
Apparently, three or four times a year there are street-sized all-in brawls down the main pub street. I am yet to see that. There are also stories that I have heard second- or third-hand about some of the local population. Stories that make Matt Graham's drawings and stories seem perfectly socially acceptable, even the “Little Timmy” and “Death by Impalement on Oversized Erect Penis” ones. Again, I have yet to experience these first-hand but I will say that it often involves male reproductive juices in places where it really should not go, including non-medically-opened post-surgical wounds, and that “Death by Oversized Penis” would probably be a saving grace for such people. 'Nuff said.
So... the poorly-lit side of Kal then?
Let's begin with my first full day here.
After heading in to the X-Ray department for a quick tour and to say hi to the crew, I went to one of the local supermarkets. After getting myself enough supplies to last me the week, I head to the checkout. My teenaged cashier had just finished a conversation with a co-worker about her moving to Melbourne and how she was dreading the move. Like the naiive fool that I am, I decided to start some small talk and asked why Melbourne is so bad.
“Because my brother and dad live there.”
“Ah. I guess you aren't a fan of them then?”
“Well, actually... my brother is my dad.”
*stands in silence as she explains that her father is also her half-brother, coming from same mother as her*
Like I said at the start, I really wish I made that up.
The majority of the pubs themselves feel like a bit of a gamble in terms of patronage. Largely inhabited by beefy seedy guys, the gamble is whether or not you have hit the pub on a night where every third person is looking for a fight. Indeed, the level of violence is such that on any given Friday or Saturday night, there will be 3+ police officers out the front of every pub just waiting for the call to go in and break up a fight. Monday X-Rays largely include fractures of the hands, face, wrists, and clavicles (collar bones). One thing that I have witnessed, at least from a radiographic perspective, is people that have been having a quiet one out the front of a pub only to be gang-bashed by punch-happy groups looking for the sucker unfortunate enough to be spotted alone. Even my own penchant for wandering along alone is starting to wane due to this. I break if people blink at me too hard, let alone if people actually touch me with intent to cause damage. Here's hoping that daytime travels fall outside of their hunting time, or I will be a messy splat mark on the pavement some time soon.
And the smell.
Kal itself largely smells neutral, if you ignore near the pubs. It is often slightly breezy and I can not say that there is much of a smell. Kinda dry and dusty. Occasionally you get the stench of drying urine, particularly on the corners of alley ways near pubs. To be expected, really. However, I am surprised at the lack of smell because it appears as if half of the population wash no more than it rains.
Given that it has surprisingly rained about six times since I have been here, including two storms of lightning awesomeness that would not be out of place in any Final Fantasy game, I would wager that at least a quarter wash less than it rains... and given that we are desert region, that can not be often at all.
Also, one day a short while ago it smelt like human solid bodily waste from roughly the Exchange to the Primary School 200 or so metres down the road. That is not a good way to start your working day.
Kal is not immune to insanely overweight people either. There is the story of an unfortunate Occupational Therapist who was trapped inside the bath/toilet room of a patient of hers for about half an hour because the guy had wedged himself in the doorway whilst she was inside and physically could not back away *points to previous comment about smell to convey the horror*. There are stories of people being refused the Flying Doctor Service because they could not load them on to the plane with the equipment that they had or patients being left for an hour or two on the sunny tarmac in Perth because the only ambulance there with the capability to take such large passengers was not sent to the airport. I myself have taken (horrible looking) X-Rays of people that you would not expect to live in the city, even with more food delivery and healthcare arrangements possible, let alone in Kal with limited access to such things.
Invariably, the request form for the X-Ray is something along the lines of:
“CXR (that's Chest X-Ray for you non-radiography-types)
Difficulty breathing. Chest pain.”
Of course, the healthcare system is geared towards doing as much as possible to keep people alive (ignoring the hierarchy of ~20 managerial positions, of which only three or four have anything to do with health care)... but, at the risk of sounding insensitive, this includes taking x-rays of the otherwise bleedingly obvious problem of sedentary people who can barely walk, weighing 150+ kilos and having chest pains whilst finding breathing difficult. The phrase “Well, duh...” comes to mind. Of course, without the X-Ray, they can not exclude the possibility of infection of the lungs... but that's probably also a given and difficult to tell on these films anyway.
Feel sorry for the nurses, physios and OccTherapists that have to touch them for more than a second.
At any point in time, if you walk more than 500 metres, you will see someone/people who are drunk and/or carrying booze. I can only imagine the conversation goes a little like this:
“Midday? No Problems: Here's a carton of Carlton Mid Strength! Now just walk in a straight line... ok, a zig-zag is cool too. Only two steps either side of a straight line, so you're practically sober.”
It is not unusual to see people passed out with multiple large bottles next to them on the weekends.
Never look anyone even remotely seedy in the eye, even by mistake or coincidental eye contact, for you are gambling with your sanity and/or life. One of several things will happen:
- The Good: They will ignore you or politely tip their head, say Hello and move on. Otherwise known as the “regular person on the street” and is the lucky roll of the dice. Maybe 90% of the population here fall in to this category.
- The Bad: They will join you and start telling you really dodgy and/or life stories and/or force you to join in seedy conversation and/or to try and bum a free drink off you, whereby the only escape is by false excuse or by being dragged away by another person. Otherwise known as the “Mad Mick”, named after the regular known as “Mad Mick” at the Exchange. Pissed off his face most of the time, and seedy as hell... especially to any foreign skimpies (more on them in the next post). Avoid, Avoid, Avoid. The rarest of the lot.
- The Ugly: They start weighing up the “Fight” option and you want to die now to save yourself the pain of getting your head belted in first. Otherwise known as the “50-50”, because you probably have a 50-50 chance of talking yourself out of the potential fight. Reduces to a 25-75 chance of bypassing pain on nights when people are actively looking to have a random fight.
How about the insects?
The following link, the video clip to the aptly named instrumental "Help Me I Am In Hell" by Nine Inch Nails, ought to suffice.
Especially after it rains.
Actually... the random flashes to bondage gear in that video clip is also somewhat appropriate. Though I have not seen leather-bondage gear openly displayed in Kal, there appears to be more adult stores here than any other type of store... possibly more than Newcastle (possibly also a lie... just).
Back to the flies... Their numbers are starting to decline at the moment, as it becomes cooler but I am convinced that, over summer, they are by far the most numerous inhabitant of Kal... even beating Ants. These flies also are “better” and more annoying than flies back home. I would have thought that they would have been like country flies back home: So stupid that you can get them even at slow speeds. Actually, even given the numbers of them that exist, I have only managed to get maybe five or six in total. These bastards are quicker than your regular city flies, and will do a lap around your head and land back in the same spot that you originally brushed them away from. Worse, they don't mind going orifice camping... meaning that you will often have to be careful when opening your mouth or generally moving things near your ears, eyes and nose. I can compare them to regular mozzies vs. Uni Mozzies: They appear to be some weird mutation on normal insects that are practically impossible to kill without dedicated effort. Actually, that's a lie: I came home one day to find a pair of flies dead on my kitchen table... dead in the middle of shagging. I really wish I had taken a picture of it: There they were, lying on their sides but very clearly died in the middle of having sexy times. I guess that still counts as dedicated effort, even if it was not from me.
Ants are also a popular resident in your surroundings and occasionally home. The flying ones are particularly stupid, landing upside down on any surface at almost every opportunity. The large ones are common, as are your generic black ants. No pathway is without at least one of them.
Numerous flying bugs exist as a way of reminding you that you should be wearing a shirt indoors.
Cockroaches here are huge. The generic house ones are at least as big as any cockroach that you see in Maitland. They are capable of knocking over light boxes of cereal in the middle of the night and walking away with corn flakes, according to one of the sonographers. I also know from first-hand experience that they move quickly and like making noisy steps.
Then there are the Bush Roaches. We are talking palm-of-your-hand sized bastards. And these ones fly.
They also have mosquitoes. They are somewhat rare and less annoying than those back home (i.e. they only leave regular sized bumps if you have sensitive skin), but how they manage to breed out here in the desert is anyone's guess.
And speaking of breeding... Actually, let's not go there for that is an entirely new scary subject that probably should not be discussed outside of the hospital.
The second nearest segue with mosquitoes that I can get is Water and, as you may have guessed from my original post on the blog, the tap water here is none-too-pleasant. Here is how Kal gets its water, from a slightly biased perspective...
Step One: Pump water from Perth or one of those other coastal locations.
Step Two: ????
Step Three: In your mouth because you need it to stay alive, fool (all those who thought this step was going to be “Profit”, turn to the corner in shame).
OK. That is slightly abridged and contained little of humorous or cautionary value, so I will add some things to note about the water.
The first thing you will notice when you turn on a tap without a water purifier is that you can taste the chlorine. Without drinking it. After about two days, however, this sensation disappears as you have probably internalised it. It also can only realistically be drunk and “enjoyed” (i.e. not cause facial twitching in disgust) if it has been chilled in the fridge if you have not lived here for less than a week. And even then things could be bad. Of course, the chlorine is there to kill the bugs in the water. Why we have mosquitoes is beyond me, but I suspect that they are at least partially immune to Chlorine. There are also times where the chlorine levels in the water are so high that you might as well be drinking treated pool water.
One of my co-workers will only drink bottled water in part because of that reason, but also for another... See, part of her partner's job is to clean the water filters before it gets pumped for general consumption. In addition to the other sludge-like material that accumulates in ordinary water treatment plants, or indeed overcoming such sludge, is the ever persistent red that exists in Kal... only this is in thick mud form. Yes, that's right people... I drink water that, if you look at it in the right light, is red and tastes slightly of mud. I can see you licking your lips from here.
Here is a completely true and not-at-all fictitious example of what I am talking about:
And, of course, I would be amiss if I did not tell you of the local wildlife that surrounds the reservoir that contains the unnatural mid-desert water. As you may guess, this has little to do with non-human wildlife and a lot more to do with human wildlife that sits around grazing and generally pissing it up around such a water hole...
Which brings me back to water treatment, for I am grateful about the levels of chlorination because of the above fact. I am not entirely sure if this water is Fluoridated either. Teeth here are horrible. Furthermore, for some reason possibly due to the water if what I have heard is correct, people seem to heal bone injuries slower than other places where I have worked.
Even if that last piece is not true, if you blamed the water for anything/everything here you probably would be correct.
A special mention of awfulness goes to Boulder. Boulder is essentially Kalgoorlie South, and the combined city is actually known as Kalgoorlie-Boulder. I have only visited Boulder, for a few hours, when the monthly markets were on, and have sworn to never go back again without a getaway vehicle/detailed escape plan (until possibly the markets next month... maybe.). We managed to walk through the markets, all 300 odd metres of both sides of the street, in 20 minutes. That gives you an idea of how exciting the place is. The road-train that they had, run by the local Lions club and as seen in many markets around Australia, does a lap of half a street... roughly a journey of 200 metres and 3 minutes. And costs $8 to ride. Yeah.
The scary thing about Boulder is the local population. They congregate and wander in groups of anywhere between 5 and 20 and yell at each other across the street in tones that sound like they are going murder everyone in the vicinity. This would not be as much a problem if they did not look like that they were willing to act on such a perceived suggestion. I felt safer in a dodgy Kal bar full of the people actively finding an excuse to start a brawl... and that's saying something. Three of the four pubs that we passed had shattered windows. The other pub was clearly the best thing going for this end of the town as most patrons still had teeth, or at least false ones, and spoke with the volume to less than "near deafening".
And they tell me that many of the surrounding townships (i.e. everything within several hundred kilometres) are much worse.
***
Let's see... Sight, Smell, Touch, Taste and Hearing.
I think I have assaulted your senses enough, for the time being.
Next time, some of the Lighter Phails of Kal, complete with more pictures.
***
Kalgoorlie: Wish you were here, but not in the “because this place is totally awesome” way.
...And Travis did say "Hell Yeah!"
... and he did find the blagablog lacking in cautionary tales of scandalous events and shenanigans in Western Australia.
As such, he developed some new abilities, and not just those gained from drinking the water, and one of them was the ability to post on this blog.
Or, possibly, he asked Seb to add himself as a contributor. Choose your own reality.
For the record, my money is still on the water. More on that at a later date.
From time to time, I will be adding blog posts to enhance this portion of the internet and to make you wonder why I am still happy/sane/smiling/alive. Blog posts so fresh that it makes the water here seem positively unworthy of drinking.
*hint: I started writing some of these posts over three weeks ago*
First "real" post in a few days time... let's say by the end of this week for simplicity's sake (and also for proof-reading purposes by someone other than I).
Before I end this post, I will give a shameless plug to both Google Wave and Facebook. The first because I have just joined and it is your duty to add me (my email address involves a combination of gmail.com and traviscarraro), and the second because i will get to uploading some images and a video of here to said Facebook site in the very-near future.
*obligatory comment, closing this first post, at the expense of MySpace*
As such, he developed some new abilities, and not just those gained from drinking the water, and one of them was the ability to post on this blog.
Or, possibly, he asked Seb to add himself as a contributor. Choose your own reality.
For the record, my money is still on the water. More on that at a later date.
From time to time, I will be adding blog posts to enhance this portion of the internet and to make you wonder why I am still happy/sane/smiling/alive. Blog posts so fresh that it makes the water here seem positively unworthy of drinking.
*hint: I started writing some of these posts over three weeks ago*
First "real" post in a few days time... let's say by the end of this week for simplicity's sake (and also for proof-reading purposes by someone other than I).
Before I end this post, I will give a shameless plug to both Google Wave and Facebook. The first because I have just joined and it is your duty to add me (my email address involves a combination of gmail.com and traviscarraro), and the second because i will get to uploading some images and a video of here to said Facebook site in the very-near future.
*obligatory comment, closing this first post, at the expense of MySpace*
Thursday, 4 March 2010
A Quick Thought on Something We All Like to Bring Up Occasionally: OxMan
Let me begin by quickly refreshing your memories on a couple of OxMan facts:
1) We know that he always wore the same outfit, including that hat.
2) We know that he did second year Physics courses.
Now, in order to do second year courses, one must do the advanced physics first year courses. These courses are taught by Dastoor, and everyone who's had him as a lecturer knows that he asks questions to people wearing hats in his lectures.
So if OxMan always wears that hat, and if he was in those lectures.... why did he not get asked any questions?
1) We know that he always wore the same outfit, including that hat.
2) We know that he did second year Physics courses.
Now, in order to do second year courses, one must do the advanced physics first year courses. These courses are taught by Dastoor, and everyone who's had him as a lecturer knows that he asks questions to people wearing hats in his lectures.
So if OxMan always wears that hat, and if he was in those lectures.... why did he not get asked any questions?
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Lambie's Guide to the Five Versions of "Blade Runner"
Yes, that's right. There are five versions of this iconic film, and I've seen all of them. Having so many different versions of a film available can make figuring out which one to watch difficult. Here, then, is may take on each version and why you should (or shouldn't) watch each one.
The U.S. Theatrical Cut: This is the original version of the film, complete with an entire checklist of things changed by the studio to try and make the film "better" for audiences. "Improvements" include voice overs that Harrison Ford seems to loath speaking, and a tacked on ending that you can tell has been tacked on. A lesson in what not to let studio executives do to a film. Verdict: Avoid.
The International Theatrical Cut: The U.S. Theatrical cut with a few more seconds of gore added. (I assume these precious seconds were cut in order to maintain the PG13 rating in the U.S., which would mean many more potential money-making audience members.) It doesn't make the film any worse, but it doesn't make the film any better, either.
The Director's Cut: Ridley Scott (and just about everyone else) hated what the studio originally did to his film, and perhaps rightly so. Ten years later, he managed to release the director's cut. Gone is the stupid ending and stupid voice-overs. Introduced is footage which famously changes the entire meaning of the (now) final scene and which has spawned never-ending debate. You could watch this version, but there's actually a better one.
The Workprint Cut: This existed only as a rumour until a few years ago. This is the version that was screened to a test audience and then disappeared off the face of the planet. You could think of it as a kind of bridge between the theatrical cuts and the director's cut. Incomplete special effects. Alternate takes. Alternate voice overs. Everything you'd ever want in a bootleg, really. Ridley Scott finally managed to dig it up and release it. It hasn't been altered apart from a restoration effort, so those incomplete special effects are still incomplete. Watch only if you're interested in the history of the film.
The Final Cut: Essentially a re-mastered directors cut (plus the few extra seconds of gore that the international cut had). Thus, this is the version to watch. The print has been overhauled to look brand new and has been further touched up with CGI. Now, before you cry foul and point out that this is what George Lucas did to the original Star Wars trilogy to the point where he ruined it, Ridley Scott read the cinematic equivalent of "Don't Do What Donny Don't Does" and didn't do what Donny Don't did. I could have probably made that a bit clearer: George Lucas used CGI to touch up the original print and then went overboard by filling the frame with CGI crap and changing elements that perhaps didn't need to be changed. Ridley Scott digitally re-mastered the film, used CGI to fix a few special effects errors, and then left it at that.
So to summarise, avoid the theatrical cuts unless you're a film buff and avoid the workprint cut unless you're interested in the history of the film. You could watch the director's cut and see something fairly close to Ridley Scott's vision, but if you're going to do that you might as well watch the final cut instead and see the version that he's happy with.
The U.S. Theatrical Cut: This is the original version of the film, complete with an entire checklist of things changed by the studio to try and make the film "better" for audiences. "Improvements" include voice overs that Harrison Ford seems to loath speaking, and a tacked on ending that you can tell has been tacked on. A lesson in what not to let studio executives do to a film. Verdict: Avoid.
The International Theatrical Cut: The U.S. Theatrical cut with a few more seconds of gore added. (I assume these precious seconds were cut in order to maintain the PG13 rating in the U.S., which would mean many more potential money-making audience members.) It doesn't make the film any worse, but it doesn't make the film any better, either.
The Director's Cut: Ridley Scott (and just about everyone else) hated what the studio originally did to his film, and perhaps rightly so. Ten years later, he managed to release the director's cut. Gone is the stupid ending and stupid voice-overs. Introduced is footage which famously changes the entire meaning of the (now) final scene and which has spawned never-ending debate. You could watch this version, but there's actually a better one.
The Workprint Cut: This existed only as a rumour until a few years ago. This is the version that was screened to a test audience and then disappeared off the face of the planet. You could think of it as a kind of bridge between the theatrical cuts and the director's cut. Incomplete special effects. Alternate takes. Alternate voice overs. Everything you'd ever want in a bootleg, really. Ridley Scott finally managed to dig it up and release it. It hasn't been altered apart from a restoration effort, so those incomplete special effects are still incomplete. Watch only if you're interested in the history of the film.
The Final Cut: Essentially a re-mastered directors cut (plus the few extra seconds of gore that the international cut had). Thus, this is the version to watch. The print has been overhauled to look brand new and has been further touched up with CGI. Now, before you cry foul and point out that this is what George Lucas did to the original Star Wars trilogy to the point where he ruined it, Ridley Scott read the cinematic equivalent of "Don't Do What Donny Don't Does" and didn't do what Donny Don't did. I could have probably made that a bit clearer: George Lucas used CGI to touch up the original print and then went overboard by filling the frame with CGI crap and changing elements that perhaps didn't need to be changed. Ridley Scott digitally re-mastered the film, used CGI to fix a few special effects errors, and then left it at that.
So to summarise, avoid the theatrical cuts unless you're a film buff and avoid the workprint cut unless you're interested in the history of the film. You could watch the director's cut and see something fairly close to Ridley Scott's vision, but if you're going to do that you might as well watch the final cut instead and see the version that he's happy with.
Monday, 8 February 2010
3D: It's not Just a Gimmick, It's False Advertising (In A Good Way)
It's time to put on your thinking caps, thinking berets, thinking beanies, or other thinking headgear, because this post is going to delve into the mind-bending physics realm of dimensions. You have been warned! In the spirit of special features on DVDs, I've included some bonus content at the bottom which you can skip to if you don't want to risk taxing your brain.
Ask any small child how many dimensions we live in, and you're probably starting in the wrong place to do your research. Ask a slightly older child how many dimensions we live in, and they'd probably tell you "three" (left and right, forwards and backwards, up and down). Ask any decently educated person how many dimensions we live in, and they'll hopefully tell you "four" (x, y, z, and time). Ask a mathematics professor how many dimensions we live in, and they might say "four" (x, y, z, and time), or they might say "four" with a cheesy I've-just-told-a-bad-joke grin on their face (r, theta, phi, and time), or they might just give you a puzzled look and tell you not to bother them again. Ask a theoretical physicist how many dimensions we live in and they'll run away in tears claiming that they don't know because string theory hasn't been resolved properly yet but it might be 11. We're going to be working with the educated everyman's answer of "four" (x, y, z, and time).
For the purposes of padding out this post with extra information you all probably already know, we travel through the time dimension at a somewhat redundant rate of one second per second. And, of course, there's also the issue of relativity, which basically states that our concept of the passing of time depends on how fast we're going. Thankfully, since we aren't going to be staring at a television or movie screen while travelling at significant factions of the speed of light any time soon, we can ignore this little problem for the time being.
But why does time always get stuck as the last dimension on the list? What's to stop me from listing the four dimensions as time, x, y, and z. Or (if I ignore alphabetical order) as z, time, y, and x. Or as x, y, time, and z. (Do you see where I'm going with this now?) In the last example, z is the last (fourth) dimension, time is now the third dimension, and the only thing stopping me from doing this is something known as "Convention".
Any film or TV show that doesn't comprise of a single still picture exists in the first of these three newly re-ordered dimensions (x, y, time). So since these films portray three of the four dimensions we can experience, these films are all 3D already. By natural extension, when you go and see a so-called "3D" movie, it's actually a film presented in all four perceivable dimensions. And that's where the false advertising comes in: it should be called 4D, shouldn't it?
But it's not all bad. Sure, so-called "3D" films are more expensive to make and show, which can sometimes be reflected in higher ticket prices. But now you know that "2D" films are really 3D, and that "3D" films are really 4D. You're being given an extra dimension for free without the studios and executives realising it.
Don't tell them, though.
Bonus Content: Here's something to ponder on. When sound was introduced to the world of cinema, it quickly (i.e. within a few years) moved from becoming a silly gimmick to become a legitimate tool for film-makers to use to enhance and further their telling of a story. Similar things happened for the introduction of colour and the widescreen format. They were very quickly embraced by the audiences of the time.
3D, however, has been around for decades but hasn't moved on from the cheap gimmick status it was labelled with when it first hit our screens. It suffers from some similar technological difficulties that sound, colour, etc. would have had to deal with when they were first introduced. (For example, I would imagine that not many studios and cinemas would have been well equipped to deal with sound when it was first introduced). Yet these technological difficulties don't seem to be the root cause of the problem. Film-makers seem stuck in a situation where they feel compelled to stick in a cheap shot of an object hurtling towards the camera, because that's the horrible name that 3D has made for itself.
A film that utilises 3D as a legitimate cinematic tool to compliment the director's vision of a story is yet to surface. As far as I can tell, even if Avatar is using 3D in this way, it's ludicrous success and word-of-mouth rule that "you must see the film in 3D" aren't really helping the case of 3D. (I haven't seen Avatar because I refuse to see/read things that seem to be making money based purely on hype. Critics haven't been as kind to the film as the many audience members who have made the pilgrimage to a theatre equipped to show the film in 3D.)
Cinema buffs are going to remain cynical to 3D until a respected reviewer actually says "This film uses 3D as a tool to tell the story."
Ask any small child how many dimensions we live in, and you're probably starting in the wrong place to do your research. Ask a slightly older child how many dimensions we live in, and they'd probably tell you "three" (left and right, forwards and backwards, up and down). Ask any decently educated person how many dimensions we live in, and they'll hopefully tell you "four" (x, y, z, and time). Ask a mathematics professor how many dimensions we live in, and they might say "four" (x, y, z, and time), or they might say "four" with a cheesy I've-just-told-a-bad-joke grin on their face (r, theta, phi, and time), or they might just give you a puzzled look and tell you not to bother them again. Ask a theoretical physicist how many dimensions we live in and they'll run away in tears claiming that they don't know because string theory hasn't been resolved properly yet but it might be 11. We're going to be working with the educated everyman's answer of "four" (x, y, z, and time).
For the purposes of padding out this post with extra information you all probably already know, we travel through the time dimension at a somewhat redundant rate of one second per second. And, of course, there's also the issue of relativity, which basically states that our concept of the passing of time depends on how fast we're going. Thankfully, since we aren't going to be staring at a television or movie screen while travelling at significant factions of the speed of light any time soon, we can ignore this little problem for the time being.
But why does time always get stuck as the last dimension on the list? What's to stop me from listing the four dimensions as time, x, y, and z. Or (if I ignore alphabetical order) as z, time, y, and x. Or as x, y, time, and z. (Do you see where I'm going with this now?) In the last example, z is the last (fourth) dimension, time is now the third dimension, and the only thing stopping me from doing this is something known as "Convention".
Any film or TV show that doesn't comprise of a single still picture exists in the first of these three newly re-ordered dimensions (x, y, time). So since these films portray three of the four dimensions we can experience, these films are all 3D already. By natural extension, when you go and see a so-called "3D" movie, it's actually a film presented in all four perceivable dimensions. And that's where the false advertising comes in: it should be called 4D, shouldn't it?
But it's not all bad. Sure, so-called "3D" films are more expensive to make and show, which can sometimes be reflected in higher ticket prices. But now you know that "2D" films are really 3D, and that "3D" films are really 4D. You're being given an extra dimension for free without the studios and executives realising it.
Don't tell them, though.
Bonus Content: Here's something to ponder on. When sound was introduced to the world of cinema, it quickly (i.e. within a few years) moved from becoming a silly gimmick to become a legitimate tool for film-makers to use to enhance and further their telling of a story. Similar things happened for the introduction of colour and the widescreen format. They were very quickly embraced by the audiences of the time.
3D, however, has been around for decades but hasn't moved on from the cheap gimmick status it was labelled with when it first hit our screens. It suffers from some similar technological difficulties that sound, colour, etc. would have had to deal with when they were first introduced. (For example, I would imagine that not many studios and cinemas would have been well equipped to deal with sound when it was first introduced). Yet these technological difficulties don't seem to be the root cause of the problem. Film-makers seem stuck in a situation where they feel compelled to stick in a cheap shot of an object hurtling towards the camera, because that's the horrible name that 3D has made for itself.
A film that utilises 3D as a legitimate cinematic tool to compliment the director's vision of a story is yet to surface. As far as I can tell, even if Avatar is using 3D in this way, it's ludicrous success and word-of-mouth rule that "you must see the film in 3D" aren't really helping the case of 3D. (I haven't seen Avatar because I refuse to see/read things that seem to be making money based purely on hype. Critics haven't been as kind to the film as the many audience members who have made the pilgrimage to a theatre equipped to show the film in 3D.)
Cinema buffs are going to remain cynical to 3D until a respected reviewer actually says "This film uses 3D as a tool to tell the story."
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