Yes, inspite of all your ills, you have won me over.
This is how.
You've got Pvt. Hudson's Armour.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Hearts & Minds
Congratulations, London. You've won me over. Sure, you've got absolute tripe on the TV, the prices on everything are predominantly huge, and the level of security and paranoia is frightening, not to mention that the police will stop you in the street for looking out of place, and travelling around is a nightmare.
Yes, inspite of all your ills, you have won me over.
This is how.
You've got Pvt. Hudson's Armour.
Yes, inspite of all your ills, you have won me over.
This is how.
You've got Pvt. Hudson's Armour.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
A Message From the Caretaker
Let's face it. While Seb's gone, the blog won't be quite the same. However, let me reassure you for the umpteenth time that this does not mean there will be no updates at all while he is gone. I will continue to give you new content whenever I can, but I can't guarantee that it will be as frequent as Seb's offerings.
In other words, you've got no excuses to stop checking this place for updates. After all, if Seb does end up posting something you'd miss it, wouldn't you?
And let's not forget that Eurovision is just around the corner....
Stay tuned!
In other words, you've got no excuses to stop checking this place for updates. After all, if Seb does end up posting something you'd miss it, wouldn't you?
And let's not forget that Eurovision is just around the corner....
Stay tuned!
Monday, 30 March 2009
END_OF_LINE
Hey fellow fools, since the economy crashed, and crashed harder than running my computer on a 40 degree day with no airconditioning (Read: The GPU overheats and turns off, and won't turn back on until you turn off the computer and let it have a good hard think about WHAT IT HAS DONE), the costs of living and such have risen through the roof, and, on the advice of my "accountant" (a shrivelled up moth in a jar), I am liquidating assets and fleeing the country for greyer pastures. London is calling, and it's telling me that I can now be the ultimate cheapskate by not watching TV because you have to pay for it over there. Woo! Also Colour is too expensive these days, so I'm going back to Monochromatic Vistavision, instead of the expensive Technicolour. The wonders!
So! Whatever is to happen to this, the dead-end of the Internet? Well, I suppose that you might get some more postings from I, but I wouldn't put your house on it, or you'd get forclosed. Just wait and see, is the official line.
Until further Notice, I leave the blog in the hands of Lambie, to do with as he sees fit.
GAME OVER
CONTINUE? (10)
So! Whatever is to happen to this, the dead-end of the Internet? Well, I suppose that you might get some more postings from I, but I wouldn't put your house on it, or you'd get forclosed. Just wait and see, is the official line.
Until further Notice, I leave the blog in the hands of Lambie, to do with as he sees fit.
GAME OVER
CONTINUE? (10)
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Depth charging the abyss
Unfortunately for all those involved, there were still more horrors to be unearthed. Tales of lessons long since lost to the mists of time, references to "in-jokes" (with myself, unfortunately), and what some are interpreting as an unadulterated stream of consciousness. These could be considered the staple of such arcane scribblings.
Of course, there are the occasional exceptions to these rules.
This incredibly archaic find appears to predate the previously shown "Year 9 Diary", which is an almost unheard of occurrence. Note the savage and untamed flow of the epic tale, divided into chapters to prolong some semblance of logic and progression. The shear power behind the writing indicates to us that the author must have worked himself into a furor, similar to the berserker viking warriors, cackling madly as he butchered the rules of literature without abandon.
Moving on, here we see a rare example of a completely intact title page! The fact that the vast majority of our finds are constrained to a 2cm wide section of the page further highlights the importance of this work. While we revel in it's colour, we see reference to a historic event, which some of the academies more enthusiastic researchers refer to as the "47 Pags = $940" night. The common consensus is that this event occurred back in the completely undocumented time known as "Schoolies", but most stories heard today must be taken with a grain of salt, as the ravages of repetition of generational story-telling have warped some versions of this tale beyond recognition.
In this article (a rare example, as it is also not confined to the "2cm regions"), there are two main areas of interest. The first is a comparison of two historical figures, believed to be father and son. While most works reference the elder as a Walrus, here we witness a burst of unbridled creative spirit, as the artist has chosen fruit over mammals. Deeper meanings to be drawn from this startling find are being feverishly discussed, and the academy is expected to release the results in 8-16 months. The second item of interest comes from the female form, which some say represents a "Lilith"-like figure. Some have identified her as the threat sleaze poses to self esteem, or the danger of false identity. Others simply say she is a drug-fueled slag illustrated to draw attention and ridicule. The truth? We may never know.
In a much celebrated return to form, precious scribblings were found once again, creating a great deal of 'excitement' (read: Terrified wailing and howling) for the archivist whom located the aforementioned text! References to music, culture, and everyday life litter these columns. They give us a glimpse of many things, including Science, which was only available to the mass media via "Brainiac" in those days. Dark days, when Richard Hammond was referred to as a sniveling little twerp, it is whispered, rather than the People's Champion he is known as today. Parallels may be drawn between him and Robin Hood, who's reputation amongst the people similarly mutated over time, until the early days were long forgotten to most.
The above image has been enlarged in order for some of the finer details to be examined. It is believed to be one of the few remaining documented Year 12 Physics scriptures left in existence. Further speculation on the nature of this strange work is underway as of present.
In this collage, we see the work of several periods combined into one, which oddly enough, does not contextualize the work, nor alter it's meanings. This page seems to be fueled by ennui and rage. Let us not dwell upon it too heavily, lest we end up with the rumoured "Tourettes Column".
While the previous collage held many stories and tales, this image contains some of the earliest known images of "The Toaster", a near-mythical being who sees into the dark hearts of men, and knows what you are up to. This moral compass is still in use today by some prominent scientists. Also of interest in this collection are what appears to be visual learning aids for probability and chance, despite the maths being lost to time, the concept of the problem is still obtainable, and has been left to the reader as an exercise.
On this page, we see the tale of "Karyn Vs. CAT5 REPAIR FANCIER", a tale of torment and suffering. Due to apparent size restrictions, the complete version of this tale would not have been recorded here, as the number of CAT5 fanatics was both overpowering and too horrifying to be fully committed to paper, it is said. We also see reference to a meat-based feast, or at least the planning of. While some details about the actual event still remain, these appear to be alternative suggestions for the event! Such a rare find! We also find a tale of blundering upon these pages, in an incident known to an educated few as "Scooby Doo with Sodomy". The rest of the tale has, unfortunately, been lost to time.
In our final exhibit, we have a large collection of pieces, spanning all of the "University-Era". Of interest is the heroic tale of the "Cuz", and his noble plans for his nonadecannual celebration. Stirring tales of chivalry, indeed! The remainder of the work can be entered into on extended detail at request, as can any of the other works.
I humbly seek your forgiveness,
Snr. Fratosaur Esq.
Boog Div.
Of course, there are the occasional exceptions to these rules.
This incredibly archaic find appears to predate the previously shown "Year 9 Diary", which is an almost unheard of occurrence. Note the savage and untamed flow of the epic tale, divided into chapters to prolong some semblance of logic and progression. The shear power behind the writing indicates to us that the author must have worked himself into a furor, similar to the berserker viking warriors, cackling madly as he butchered the rules of literature without abandon.
Moving on, here we see a rare example of a completely intact title page! The fact that the vast majority of our finds are constrained to a 2cm wide section of the page further highlights the importance of this work. While we revel in it's colour, we see reference to a historic event, which some of the academies more enthusiastic researchers refer to as the "47 Pags = $940" night. The common consensus is that this event occurred back in the completely undocumented time known as "Schoolies", but most stories heard today must be taken with a grain of salt, as the ravages of repetition of generational story-telling have warped some versions of this tale beyond recognition.
In this article (a rare example, as it is also not confined to the "2cm regions"), there are two main areas of interest. The first is a comparison of two historical figures, believed to be father and son. While most works reference the elder as a Walrus, here we witness a burst of unbridled creative spirit, as the artist has chosen fruit over mammals. Deeper meanings to be drawn from this startling find are being feverishly discussed, and the academy is expected to release the results in 8-16 months. The second item of interest comes from the female form, which some say represents a "Lilith"-like figure. Some have identified her as the threat sleaze poses to self esteem, or the danger of false identity. Others simply say she is a drug-fueled slag illustrated to draw attention and ridicule. The truth? We may never know.
In a much celebrated return to form, precious scribblings were found once again, creating a great deal of 'excitement' (read: Terrified wailing and howling) for the archivist whom located the aforementioned text! References to music, culture, and everyday life litter these columns. They give us a glimpse of many things, including Science, which was only available to the mass media via "Brainiac" in those days. Dark days, when Richard Hammond was referred to as a sniveling little twerp, it is whispered, rather than the People's Champion he is known as today. Parallels may be drawn between him and Robin Hood, who's reputation amongst the people similarly mutated over time, until the early days were long forgotten to most.
The above image has been enlarged in order for some of the finer details to be examined. It is believed to be one of the few remaining documented Year 12 Physics scriptures left in existence. Further speculation on the nature of this strange work is underway as of present.
In this collage, we see the work of several periods combined into one, which oddly enough, does not contextualize the work, nor alter it's meanings. This page seems to be fueled by ennui and rage. Let us not dwell upon it too heavily, lest we end up with the rumoured "Tourettes Column".
While the previous collage held many stories and tales, this image contains some of the earliest known images of "The Toaster", a near-mythical being who sees into the dark hearts of men, and knows what you are up to. This moral compass is still in use today by some prominent scientists. Also of interest in this collection are what appears to be visual learning aids for probability and chance, despite the maths being lost to time, the concept of the problem is still obtainable, and has been left to the reader as an exercise.
On this page, we see the tale of "Karyn Vs. CAT5 REPAIR FANCIER", a tale of torment and suffering. Due to apparent size restrictions, the complete version of this tale would not have been recorded here, as the number of CAT5 fanatics was both overpowering and too horrifying to be fully committed to paper, it is said. We also see reference to a meat-based feast, or at least the planning of. While some details about the actual event still remain, these appear to be alternative suggestions for the event! Such a rare find! We also find a tale of blundering upon these pages, in an incident known to an educated few as "Scooby Doo with Sodomy". The rest of the tale has, unfortunately, been lost to time.
In our final exhibit, we have a large collection of pieces, spanning all of the "University-Era". Of interest is the heroic tale of the "Cuz", and his noble plans for his nonadecannual celebration. Stirring tales of chivalry, indeed! The remainder of the work can be entered into on extended detail at request, as can any of the other works.
I humbly seek your forgiveness,
Snr. Fratosaur Esq.
Boog Div.
Friday, 6 March 2009
Trawling the oceans of horror
After digging through layers and layers of school, uni, and god-knows what else papers (due to the "I want your room, get out of my house"-esque cleanings that also caused me to catch diseases which have died out completely on the rest of the planet), I found several "gems" of interest. As for the kind of interest, I'd say that most of it was perverse curiosity about what kind of shite ends up in my work books. Let's just say that the end products sometimes need to be seen to be believed...
Here we see a historical record of a stand in substitute science teacher, known as "Hargraves". This ineffectual mentor has been immortalised for the ages, as was his effect upon those classes he oversaw. Mister Hargraves, we shall never forget you.
From here, we venture into a world more terrifying and unknowable than the great old cold one, C'thulhu: It's the remains of a Year 9 diary. This ancient tomb contains arcane and forbidden knowledge, and has been foolishly reproduced below.
Tremble in fear at the true face of Craig David, an RnB artist lost to time, we also need to heed the dire warnings of eggs & fruit.
The universally recognised Skull and Crossbones here serves as a warning to all who would venture into these waters, with the dainty hat as a potential homage to the village green preservation society, as they are the true face of evil. If we can draw our gaze away from the visual warning, and ponder the text on this page. The apparently life affirming farming motto should be presented to parliment as a way to revitalise the agriculture community through a school apprenticeship program. Or perhaps Villain Van Gobble is the real answer.
Here is a brightly coloured page, which warns potential predators of its' extreme poisonous nature. Even through digitisation, the maximum viewing time should not exceed 0.5 seconds, as this is the time required to reach your yearly acceptable dosage of Fluro Texta. We should at least be thankful that a protective flap has been installed to shield our eyes from the scene most profane. The cave-painting like scrawling tells of an epic battle between history teacher and her students (and her car keys), and let the word go out: Those who forget history are doomed to be hit in the face with sharp metal objects.
The overall message of this page is mixed. Perhaps the true nature of this page is to simply be penultimate in a terrible story. Or it could simply be about heavily armed seals.
It appears that the former assumption on the former image was the correct one. As for the moral of this tale, it appears that we will have to settle with "EH?". Of interest to the reader on this particular page is not the inclusion of the paranoia, but the mention of the now published MacDeath. I wasn't lying when I said it was 7 years in the making, now was I?
Here we see a tale of a great deception, and battle. A costume party, of man in elaborate baking cloth versus Wangi Rat. We also see a stirring critique of the impact that over analysis of literature can have on malleable young minds, viz: "English Blows Donkeys".
Here, we see the recording of an event that shaped the Western Hemisphere like no other. Unfortunately, we will have to settle for this "on site" recording of September1211, complete with crude reproduction, without fear of censorship. Also, advice for the younger generation about the potential damage to the bulbourethral glands, the spermatic plexus, and the paminiform plexus, especially when encountering several vibrations and shock. A warning to the cermastic muscle, and those who would disregard its importance.
In this piece, we see the culmination of 9 months of a school year. The messenger appears to us in a technicoloured vision. He is a man of remarkable physique and stature, towering above the pettiness of trivial matters such as Sport and Education, but instead represents an übermensch of sorts, a higher form of human, a goal for humanity to strive for, after the rejection of slave-master morality. Further evidence in support of this hypothesis are the words present above this icon, which empower the reader to break free from his cage (Microsoft Excel Spreadsheets) to his ultimate freedom (some sort of 3D game hidden in the code which bloats out the software by a few megs). Thus Spoke Zarathustra!
After reaching an epiphany in the previous entry, we may fast-forward 5 years. Here we see a page which may be familiar to some more astute readers. While not as inspirational as some of the earlier works, it still holds merit. Would we not be lost, for instance, without the terrible result of combining our avian ally with gluten-based foodstuffs? I seriously doubt our world would be in it's current state without this knowledge. We also see reference to the return of Batman, but how powerful an effect this will have on future generations is yet to be seen. This brings us to the final page in our Diary series...
Present on these pages is, perhaps, one of the finest, biting social commentaries on the Harry Potter phenomenon known to the world. Simply titled "QUIDDICH", it demonstrates how with simple substitution of hair colour, hats, and a few textas, any 3 males and accompanying lady can recreate any of the 7 Harry Potter books in an effective manner. When you are reading these tales to your grandchildren, remember this addendum, as it will enrich your family for generations. Or, potentially, the dangers of being a journalist.
Speaking of dangers, prepare thyselves for one of the most shocking images ever placed upon this blog. We are proud to present a collage of margins from a text entitled "Digital Comms". Many researchers died to bring us this, let their sacrifice not be in vain.
On such a terrible note, I must leave you, as the hour draws late. I prey that such terrible revelations do not keep you from dreams most rancid.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Fratosaur,
Boog Division.
Here we see a historical record of a stand in substitute science teacher, known as "Hargraves". This ineffectual mentor has been immortalised for the ages, as was his effect upon those classes he oversaw. Mister Hargraves, we shall never forget you.
From here, we venture into a world more terrifying and unknowable than the great old cold one, C'thulhu: It's the remains of a Year 9 diary. This ancient tomb contains arcane and forbidden knowledge, and has been foolishly reproduced below.
Tremble in fear at the true face of Craig David, an RnB artist lost to time, we also need to heed the dire warnings of eggs & fruit.
The universally recognised Skull and Crossbones here serves as a warning to all who would venture into these waters, with the dainty hat as a potential homage to the village green preservation society, as they are the true face of evil. If we can draw our gaze away from the visual warning, and ponder the text on this page. The apparently life affirming farming motto should be presented to parliment as a way to revitalise the agriculture community through a school apprenticeship program. Or perhaps Villain Van Gobble is the real answer.
Here is a brightly coloured page, which warns potential predators of its' extreme poisonous nature. Even through digitisation, the maximum viewing time should not exceed 0.5 seconds, as this is the time required to reach your yearly acceptable dosage of Fluro Texta. We should at least be thankful that a protective flap has been installed to shield our eyes from the scene most profane. The cave-painting like scrawling tells of an epic battle between history teacher and her students (and her car keys), and let the word go out: Those who forget history are doomed to be hit in the face with sharp metal objects.
The overall message of this page is mixed. Perhaps the true nature of this page is to simply be penultimate in a terrible story. Or it could simply be about heavily armed seals.
It appears that the former assumption on the former image was the correct one. As for the moral of this tale, it appears that we will have to settle with "EH?". Of interest to the reader on this particular page is not the inclusion of the paranoia, but the mention of the now published MacDeath. I wasn't lying when I said it was 7 years in the making, now was I?
Here we see a tale of a great deception, and battle. A costume party, of man in elaborate baking cloth versus Wangi Rat. We also see a stirring critique of the impact that over analysis of literature can have on malleable young minds, viz: "English Blows Donkeys".
Here, we see the recording of an event that shaped the Western Hemisphere like no other. Unfortunately, we will have to settle for this "on site" recording of September
In this piece, we see the culmination of 9 months of a school year. The messenger appears to us in a technicoloured vision. He is a man of remarkable physique and stature, towering above the pettiness of trivial matters such as Sport and Education, but instead represents an übermensch of sorts, a higher form of human, a goal for humanity to strive for, after the rejection of slave-master morality. Further evidence in support of this hypothesis are the words present above this icon, which empower the reader to break free from his cage (Microsoft Excel Spreadsheets) to his ultimate freedom (some sort of 3D game hidden in the code which bloats out the software by a few megs). Thus Spoke Zarathustra!
After reaching an epiphany in the previous entry, we may fast-forward 5 years. Here we see a page which may be familiar to some more astute readers. While not as inspirational as some of the earlier works, it still holds merit. Would we not be lost, for instance, without the terrible result of combining our avian ally with gluten-based foodstuffs? I seriously doubt our world would be in it's current state without this knowledge. We also see reference to the return of Batman, but how powerful an effect this will have on future generations is yet to be seen. This brings us to the final page in our Diary series...
Present on these pages is, perhaps, one of the finest, biting social commentaries on the Harry Potter phenomenon known to the world. Simply titled "QUIDDICH", it demonstrates how with simple substitution of hair colour, hats, and a few textas, any 3 males and accompanying lady can recreate any of the 7 Harry Potter books in an effective manner. When you are reading these tales to your grandchildren, remember this addendum, as it will enrich your family for generations. Or, potentially, the dangers of being a journalist.
Speaking of dangers, prepare thyselves for one of the most shocking images ever placed upon this blog. We are proud to present a collage of margins from a text entitled "Digital Comms". Many researchers died to bring us this, let their sacrifice not be in vain.
On such a terrible note, I must leave you, as the hour draws late. I prey that such terrible revelations do not keep you from dreams most rancid.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Fratosaur,
Boog Division.
Sunday, 1 March 2009
CHALLENGE 1.5 (Another Miserable Failure?)
Right Funkers, here's a thing I drew up last night. I would have posted it then, but since my laptop died in a horrible way, I didn't, so suck it down let's get on with it!
It's a true story, at least the Coke part is, and the School concert part. It turns out that musicianship counts for nothing when you're covered in sugary syrup. At least it was according to Wobbs.
And speaking of people that you've never heard of before (well, most of you), I'll let you figure out why you all deserve this achievement...
It's a true story, at least the Coke part is, and the School concert part. It turns out that musicianship counts for nothing when you're covered in sugary syrup. At least it was according to Wobbs.
And speaking of people that you've never heard of before (well, most of you), I'll let you figure out why you all deserve this achievement...
Friday, 13 February 2009
The Paranormal, According to YouTube
The great thing about technology is that those of artistic merit have access to all wonder of tools and gadgets to create spectacular, CGI-laden videos. And let's face it, the end result can look pretty good.
The great thing about YouTube is that it proves there are also people who don't have these resources, but try anyway. For every pretty looking, CGI-created UFO, you get 60 dodgy people in alien masks pulling pranks and not owning up.
UFOs and Aliens
There's an argument that only attention seekers, weirdos, and idiots claim to see UFOs or aliens. I'm going to assume you understand why attention seekers and weirdos are on that list, but not so much idiots. Once you see the proof, you'll understand.
First, there's this video demonstrating how to act (or not) when you see an alien. What do you do when you see an alien outside? You run outside screaming "What the hell!? What the hell?! Did you see that?!". What do you do when you see it again while you're outside? You do the exact opposite and run away, defeating the point of running out there in the first place.
Actually, that seems to be about right, because these people do the exact same thing. Only they don't just run, they "RUN! RUN! RUN!" If you're not laughing by the end of those 30 seconds, there's something seriously wrong with you.
A limited vocabulary also seems to be an important requirement to set yourself up for a potential sighting. "Woah! Woah! Woah! Holy mackerel!" should do nicely. Bonus points if you can see Venus and point it out in this video. Based on his description of where the object is in relation to Venus and his framing of the shot, I'm pretty sure you can't.
Ghosts
Ghosts are supposed to be scary. Therefore, it follows that videos of ghosts are supposed to be scary. I give you the "scariest" ghost video of all time. No, really! It pretty much says so in the description!
It's a pity that for a video evidently labelled as part two of a series, I've not yet come across part 1. (You can easily find part 3, which is only marginally better.) Even more shameful is that this footage of a pantry door opening a few times has gathered over 2 million hits. Let your head work that out.
Other people are scared by a recording of maniacal laughter that wouldn't seem out of place coming out of a child's action figure doll, followed by the appearance of a.... cardboard cut-out of.... something.
For some extra fun, try finding a video of someone pretending to be a ghost by draping a white sheet over themselves. That wasn't too hard, was it? Now try finding one that isn't lame. When you do, let me know.
Witches
Yes, witches... Okay, one flying witch. (I hope you speak Spanish.)
Wait, what do you mean it's a balloon?
The great thing about YouTube is that it proves there are also people who don't have these resources, but try anyway. For every pretty looking, CGI-created UFO, you get 60 dodgy people in alien masks pulling pranks and not owning up.
UFOs and Aliens
There's an argument that only attention seekers, weirdos, and idiots claim to see UFOs or aliens. I'm going to assume you understand why attention seekers and weirdos are on that list, but not so much idiots. Once you see the proof, you'll understand.
First, there's this video demonstrating how to act (or not) when you see an alien. What do you do when you see an alien outside? You run outside screaming "What the hell!? What the hell?! Did you see that?!". What do you do when you see it again while you're outside? You do the exact opposite and run away, defeating the point of running out there in the first place.
Actually, that seems to be about right, because these people do the exact same thing. Only they don't just run, they "RUN! RUN! RUN!" If you're not laughing by the end of those 30 seconds, there's something seriously wrong with you.
A limited vocabulary also seems to be an important requirement to set yourself up for a potential sighting. "Woah! Woah! Woah! Holy mackerel!" should do nicely. Bonus points if you can see Venus and point it out in this video. Based on his description of where the object is in relation to Venus and his framing of the shot, I'm pretty sure you can't.
Ghosts
Ghosts are supposed to be scary. Therefore, it follows that videos of ghosts are supposed to be scary. I give you the "scariest" ghost video of all time. No, really! It pretty much says so in the description!
It's a pity that for a video evidently labelled as part two of a series, I've not yet come across part 1. (You can easily find part 3, which is only marginally better.) Even more shameful is that this footage of a pantry door opening a few times has gathered over 2 million hits. Let your head work that out.
Other people are scared by a recording of maniacal laughter that wouldn't seem out of place coming out of a child's action figure doll, followed by the appearance of a.... cardboard cut-out of.... something.
For some extra fun, try finding a video of someone pretending to be a ghost by draping a white sheet over themselves. That wasn't too hard, was it? Now try finding one that isn't lame. When you do, let me know.
Witches
Yes, witches... Okay, one flying witch. (I hope you speak Spanish.)
Wait, what do you mean it's a balloon?
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