Your Lord & Master Commands Thee!

He is ever present.

Instant Entertainment! Just Add Water!

Hey Funksters! If you're ever at a Party or Event, and need a quick tale to get things funked up, try this one (Customisable for utility!)

I want to tell you a story about the last time I was in (Town).
I was walking on the street about 10:30 at night, A lot of people go to bed around here at 10:30 at night. And well, I was walking along when suddenly these jocks in this bright blue car drove up. It had halogen lights, chrome rims, everything but the CB. It was a life-size Hot Wheels car for some dumb rich kid, right. Well, they drove up to me and they yelled what dumb rich kids usually yell, "Hey, faggot," and showered me with some water. So, I stood there thinking, "what a bunch of fuckheads"and picked up a rock.
Now, I waited, walked down about a block to where the Kentucky Fried Chicken is, and sure enough they drove around again. They said, "Hey, faggot, where's the nearest McDonald's?" I said, "I don't know" and they squirted me again.
So I threw the rock and put a nice-size dent in their giant Hot Wheels car.
They screached to a halt in the parking lot of some department store, who's name I don't remember, and they got out their clubs and they ran after me, yelling, "We're gonna kill you, you god damn faggot, we're gonna kill you, you motherfucker."
So I got in a phonebooth by the Kentucky Fried Chicken, held my legs straight out like this so they couldn't open the door to the phonebooth. So they began charging the phonebooth, beating on it with their club, yelling, "We're gonna kill you, you motherfucker, we're gonna kill you, you god damn faggot." I just looked at them.
So, there was a crowd gathering by this time and these kids were standing nearby and they said, "Oh, look at him, he's insane." I thought, ah-hah, here's my way out.
I yelled at them, "Take me to a mental hospital right away, I wanna be be put away. Please put me away, c'mon, call the cops and put me away. Please put me away now."
They said, "Alright, faggot, we're calling the police." So they called the police.
The cop comes out and I go, ah, my savior, I'm away from these jocks. He opens up the door, "Get out of there, you," throws me up against the car, frisks me, shoves me in the back. Then he goes over to the jocks, "Now what happened here? It looks like we're going have to take him to jail but we got to have the full story first"
So the jocks, who had an ace in the hole go "Well, goddammit, the motherfucker put a dent in my car, a $20000 car, right, so I got my club, I went out and I wanted to kill him. I want to kill him! Lemme kill him, goddammit! Lemme kill him!"
So the cop made them go home, and he drove me home, and he confiscated their club and my rock as further evidence. And I thought, so this is (State), huh? Tolerent (State)?

Just add gestures for effect!

Dance Dance Regurgitation -OR- Blasphemous Reggae Dance

We now return to your regular pro-gramme-ing...
Oh god, what the hell do we actually DO for regular articles? Do we even do regular articles? Or even regularly? Or even? Or? ? Feh, time for another round of the "OH GOD NO" Newsletter...
But I digress, as my attention span is too short to... to... Ooooh!
I found something PRETTY in my desk! That was sufficiently distraction to derail my train of thought down into a valley of madness... Let's see what joyous trees of stupidity we can smash into on the way down!
God, these ideas never lead anywhere good. I guess it's kinda like Waterworld was better before I saw it. It was Mad Max on Water! Dirty Dreads! Rusty Things! AND THEN WE SAW THE FREAKING FILM. You know what I'm talking about, don't ye? I think that it could be the fact that the opening scene was such a ringing endorsement of the Recycled Water Campaign (Almost as much as Pitchfork Media's review of Jet - Shine On. Look it up at work if you don't want to keep your job. If I won't link to it, you gotta know it's BAD). Yum. Actually, has Kevin Costner ever done anything good? Nah, of course not. I guess he's just another filthy plague-bearing goat.
But let's get on to more interesting topics? We could make something interesting, like the English-Marlon Brando translator (Everything comes out as "Murrrrr" or *Wheeze*).
We could go on about strange fixations that I've heard from the certain anonymous people on the Interwoe, such as "I'm not a Labor supporter, but I'd like to bang a chick wearing nothing but a Kevin 07 T-Shirt" (Ever wonder why my mind never seems to work? It's because I hear something of this ilk at least once a week...) but somehow I feel like I'd be violating the law.
BURRITO!
S OUT!

"I modded it so hard that it ceased to exist", and other ways to get on the Scoreboard of Foolishness!

Hey Funksters!
Today, I feel that I'll go for a slightly altered route to my usual insanity! Today, I'm going to talk to you about a subject that's very close to my heart. That's right, philistines, (If you think it's about Pvt. Hudson, I'm sorry, but maybe next time...) it's the world of Modifications! Mods are the reason why I don't like iPods, sure they hold heaps and break as soon as you drop them once, but they're about as resistant to change as aristocracy (and what's worse, while there are pockets of resistance the general community consensus is that it's fine to just take it as it is, iTunes and all, and when's the last time you saw regicide becoming vogue? C'MON PEOPLE! DEFENESTRATE! BOHEMIAN-STYLE!). That's the reason why I rock out with my ancient, scratched Sony Walkman. Sure, the battery cover doesn't stay on, but you get something like 28 hours of musics out of a single AAA rechargeable battery, and best of all, it's been modded to allow for simple drag & drop song loading, none of this "DISCONNECT AND YOU GET AIDS" kind jazz. Simplicity is good, methinks.
Simplicity is good? Actually, I'll retract that statement due to the overwhelming amount of evidence to the contrary. Where is this evidence, say ye? The goddamn computer, says I. Let's get one thing clear, I don't think a computer that glows like a jukebox is a good thing. Especially those that have that neon Blue glow like a hotted up Rice-mobile. Thermometers or "YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO RETREAT TO A 200KM SAFE DISTANCE" displays are good in my book, but I never got into that, for several reasons (such as the fact that I'd probably blow it up and have neon gas disperse everywhere in the machine, followed shortly by death or woes.
So, shall we examine what I've actually got? LETS DO!
Well, there's the standard upgraded DVD burner, which should be region 0, but I do hate that PowerDVD player for switching on me constantly. There's also a 2nd DVD-ROM, but that's not actually connected to anything because of a long and horrible story. The side hatch will not stay shut now, because of another long and horrible story. But the STICKERS CHILDREN! THE STICKERS! And Soviet Hatpin! WHO COULD ASK FOR MORE?

But back to horrible things! Let's see... in an effort to make it more stable, I destroyed the Prefetcher, which makes Windows about as graceful as a Lummox, but I think I'll end this rant, as I've probably gone down that trail long ago...
So, what say ye? Is taking things apart & making them more brokenAWESOME the new black?
Need some ideas for horrible home disasters unleashing the funk? Well, try some of these!
Increase electronics power by adding a voltage to the ground, or, better still, WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' GROUND!
Build your own mobile phone out of bits of other phones!
Make a toast-friendly shower head, and you'll be my freakin' hero.
SO LONG SUCKERS!

Postcards from Maitland

Dear All,
Wish you were here to share the pain.

Nothing says "Quality" like a half melted bin in a car park filled with a river of fat & grease!

Come dine in our fine restaurants

Meet quality Tramps & Emo-kind

I'll be sure to make you sit through a 4 hour slide show of every meal I've ever eaten when I return! SEE YOU SOON.
XOX

Club Phail

... and we're back! Another beautifully freezing winter that looks like the middle of the bloody summer & makes me feel like I'm ten years old. I would say that it's just another afternoon where too much sport is barely enough, but you know that I'd be lying. Yeah kids, I'm talking about that sheer, mind numbing boredom that sets in over the holidays! I think that HAL said it best with:"My mind is going, I can feel it". But enough musing for a bruising, time to see what I've found!
I was on the farcebook the other day, and saw an ad that was both tasteful & inspired! See the fruitful products of the young advertising gurus in their full splendor!

... and now you know why I use Ad Blocking. Alot. So much that I'd forgotten the internet HAD ads. What a blissful existence!
But, back in REALITY, I found out that the forum was an untapped gold mine. A gold mine of... HAIR

Also, there were the necessary signs of failure in the vicinity, as this blog runs on the power of PHAIL

I'll return when I don't need to rush off and buy petrol! YIPPEE FOR CRUDE!

Hilarious? Yes. NEVER FORGET.

I'm sorry, but this is officially the funniest thing on the internet. Give up now, LOLcats.