The Escapades of Private Cox & Other Tales

GAME OVER

2011-08-31T23:31:00.002+10:00

The question we must ask ourselves is: IS THIS THE END OF THE BLOG?

in the words of a great man:

Ya, the end.

It's time we talked about something serious...

2011-04-21T13:00:00.005+10:00

Yes... yes it is.

We all know it is only a matter of time before it happens, and so I am here to inform you that preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse will be a good thing for you.

For starters, it gives you additional preparation for other, more trivial, disasters. Major Earthquakes, Floods, Fire-Of-London and Bad Disaster Movie style events can all be accounted for in your Zombie Apocalypse plan, for nothing takes quite as much preparation as your plans to survive the unending hordes of the dead. Not only do you have to have an escape plan (useful for all disasters) and additional food supplies (useful for longer term disasters), you also know what to do when some one or some people decide to begin trouble down a dark alley.

In order to be prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse, you need to be fit. Let's face it, a quick and easy meal is the food of choice for pretty much all of the mindless people/zombies out there. Therefore, you must make yourself a hard meal for the zombies. The easiest way to do that is to be faster than your soon-to-be dead associates. Taking up a sport will put you in good stead for when the time comes. You don't necessarily have to be a world class athlete either, just being faster than the slowest person is enough to save your skin (and brains). Not are you only just improving your overall fitness levels, and so quality of life, you are giving yourself a tremendous advantage over other people in the Apocalypse.

Sports that focus on hitting, such as Hockey, Tennis and Cricket, will also give you additional training in use of blunt instruments.

Those of you with siblings probably already have a headstart too as there were countless hours of “play” fighting that should come in useful. You never know when a kick to the head that removes teeth will come in handy. I know I have trained for that.

Team Sports can focus on team work with people. It is essential that, when everything goes to hell, you know you can trust your partners.
If all else fails some sneaky tricks, like tripping over your associates, may give you those vital few seconds that can make the difference between you becoming a zombie or not be coming a zombie. Anyone who has played sports where there were dickheads on the opposition, or those who had siblings, will know how to apply such a manoeuvre and it can greatly increase your chance of survival.

Some of you may already be learning how to deal with zombies in their day-to-day life, and this is a brilliant thing. I know that there are a solid portion of people within this town that already show zombie-fever-like symptoms:

Lethargy
Inability to think or move quick
Stupidity
Desire to inflict pain and suffering on those around them
Inability to take care of themselves.

Identifying these symptoms in people will allow you to know who is infected and who is not. Don't let differential diagnosis, like Alcohol Intoxication or mental retardation, fool you – many people are already infected and it is just a matter of time before they go berserk. By recognising these symptoms, and more, you can make yourself aware of how likely the Zombie Apocalypse will happen within the next week and take further precautions as necessary.

Some preparation for the undead hordes may include purchase of otherwise innocuous equipment. Such things as Samurai swords and bamboo fencing are not only useful in the Apocalypse, but can substantially increase the value of a room or home.

Now, to the benefits to be had mid- and post- Apocalypse.
We all know that people are constantly worried about job security. Well, you won't be worried about that during the apocalypse. In fact, you are guaranteed employment during and after the Apocalypse. It will be easy to change jobs too. No longer will you be bored in an office somewhere. One day you could be a major general organising a mass movement of troops through hostile territory, the next you might be the manager of a construction site. The day after you could be head chef of your own restaurant and the day after that you might be a lone philosopher or a medical doctor. With such a wide array potential job choices, it's hard to see why people could think that the Zombie Apocalypse will be a bad thing for the working person.
And job satisfaction is always high whilst working through an Apocalypse because nothing says job satisfaction like the phrase “I am glad I am alive today.”

After the decay of bodies has been complete, a process that may not take all that long in some areas, the air quality should be vastly improved. There will be very little pollution from vehicle emissions, so even big cities will see the smog start to clear after a week or so.

Land will be dirt cheap during and after an apocalypse. In fact, the only places that will still be in high demand, and so therefore high price, during an Apocalypse will be the Supermarket, Fuel Stations (for a little bit anyway), the Hospitals, Boats and the Pubs. Everywhere else will be basically free once you get the squatters off the territory. Just think... you could be living in a mansion by the seaside once this all blows over!

I am sure that there are many other benefits to the Zombie Apocalypse that I have not thought of, so add some of your own tips and thoughts to the comments.

ADVICE

2011-04-03T12:26:00.000+10:00

Anyone got anything to add?

A Clip Show in List Form

2011-02-04T20:48:00.002+11:00

While one could argue about the definition of "meme" and whether it can be applied to a small social group as opposed to a group of hundred or thousands of people, you can't deny that said small social group will have plenty of in-jokes and repeated phrases that would have been defined as memes had they been spread through a larger group of people that understood them.

What better way to commemorate the fact that by the end of the year, everyone we met at Uni probably won't be there anymore than by creating a list of all our in-jokes that we had over those wonderful yet stress filled years. Here then, in no particular order except the one I remembered them in, is a bunch of stuff that you've probably erased from your memory (or weren't ever there for):

-- "Yeeeees."
-- A certain someone's ink factory. (You know who you are.)
-- ReefMaster and the Bucket of Slops. (It almost sounds like a Harry Potter rip-off.)
-- Art Day.
-- Horrible puns.
-- The Brennan Room tables.
-- Poking people in the ribcage. (Boy, did Facebook ruin the whole idea of poking someone.)
-- Sausage rat.
-- Dew-sease.
-- OxMan (and eventually the OxMan code, which as far as I know was never cracked).
-- Dodgy pasta.
-- The Outbreak of Sadness
-- Half Past Dead. (Which I eventually reviewed, many years later.)
-- Maitland and Maitland Mall.
-- Whenever Eurovision comes up, DANCING.

No doubt I've forgotten many more. That's what comments are for.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A "THE BEST 2010 EVER", A mandatory post.

2010-12-31T12:59:00.004+11:00

Listen Up, Fools!
It's getting up to that time of the year when everyone looks back and goes "YEAH". Like when you're driving down the street and you think you see a yellow lambda symbol on a building (with a box of goodies hidden nearby?), but then realise it's just a slightly twisted christmas decoration in a recently flood ravaged city, and that you shouldn't have taken this road into town because it is the last weekend before SKOOL HOLIDAZE and every bastard is out buying things RIGHT NAO.
So as you sit in the traffic jam, contemplating how poor your decision making has been on this sunny day (let's face it, any day which starts with someone screaming "NAKED TIME" is going to be an interesting one at the very least), the mind wanders back over the things that have come and gone in the last several months or whatever. Then someone beeps their car horn at you and you drive off down a sidestreet to avoid shame, only to end up heading in the opposite direction that you initally intended.
Then you spend the next 3 or 4 weeks doing virutally nothing, and someone yells at you about being lazy, causing you to FLY INTO ACTION. LIKE SO:

So, now we are safe from the JUDGEMENTAL PUBLIC, it is time to for JUDGEMENTAL PRIVATES. Also stuff music lists. If you want them, just hit up Farcebook and see what the kids and kiddies are voting for in the Snottiest 100.

Inception
A straightforward heist film. The plot's simple enough, and everything is spelt out fairly clearly but one of the attractive characters. Also worth it just for the following image:

Scott Pilgrim VS The World
I have never watched this film sober. I think it's so I forget all the additional stuff that happens and how wildly the film deviates from the original story after/during the first fight. That said, the movie is great, possibly even better if you've never read the books. The Scott in the movie is a significantly whingier version, but it's ok because everyone is insane / a filthy canadian hipster.

The Social Network
Yeah, this one's my favourite of the year, hands down. Maybe just because it's one of the best displays of Cold Genius and Rich Man's Entitlement around. Trent Reznor did the soundtrack. Also there's a scene which looks like a miniture set! YAY!
Actually, the reason I liked it so much was that it was just inspiring, in that it made me want to be the best that I can be in whatever field I love.

Tron: Legacy
Haven't seen it. I saw the 1982 version though, and I think that's a legacy system, so I've technically seen it! YEAH!

Space Funeral
A crying man in his pajamas and a bit of a horse go off in search of something with the help of a Peanuts character, meet Dracula (who likes drinkings and smoking weeds), find poorly coded segments full of errors, and go to the town with "MANY GOODS and CRIMINALS", amongst other things. With a menu that offers "BLOOD", "BLOOD", and "BLOOD" as the three options, you sorta know what you're in for.
It's suspiciously similar to Achewood in the tone, but who cares, because we need more things that are not afraid to be insane. Actually, I reckon I've been wanting to play this for years, and just never realised it. Also the music sounds like it just crawled out of a poorly made vintage film about Teenagers in dangerous situations or something. I mean, good god, here's a snippet from a Wiki page about one of the bands on the soundtrack:
"In 1970, the original bass player Moriaki Wakabayashi was involved in the hijacking of Japan Airlines Flight 351 orchestrated by the Japanese Red Army. Singer Takashi Mizutani was allegedly offered a role in the hijacking, but turned it down." For more madness, hit this dude up.
So yeah, if that floats your boat, it might be worth checking out the rest of their madness.
A more eloquent summary can be found here

Veggie Tales 3D
I think the most accurate way I could describe this piece of insane genius is "Matt Graham: THE GAME".
Worth it just for the walking around town and screaming at everyone.
Therefore, I am completely enamored with this.

One Chance
This is the only Webgame that's actually moved me in some way. And not in the bowel way, like the majority of poorly coded Farmville knock-offs tend to.
It's basically "I AM LEGEND", except a little more dire, but it's nice and upfront about things, even if it is a little ambiguous about what it actually means. Blegh, go and play, and then feel terrible about yourself. Also you can try to guess what I did. Also there's no Replay, so you can mope about it even MOAR.
Now excuse me, I need to go and sit in the corner for the sole purposes of crying and sobbing.

Digital: A Love Story
Right, off the DEPRESSIO one, and on to something much better! A Lurve story, and one of the finest of our age. Don't believe me? Ask Lambie. THEN GET YOUR BBS AMIGA ON!

Principles of Magnetohydrodynamics With Applications to Laboratory and Astrophysical Plasmas
Hmm, how can I put this? It's "DA FUKKIN SHIT!".

Fallout: New Vegas
Chandler shot me in the brain. Hijinks ensured. People will think me Strange but my brother got me a Fallout 3 Bobblehead for Christmas (to which I reacted with screams of "omg omg omg omg omg YES"), and now I want to play it MOAR and MOAR and MOAR, even though they're not in this one. I dunno. Snowglobes just don't do it for me. I do like giving up on shooting things sometimes and just doing this, or even better, THIS.
Needs more insane AI though. Like this one:

Super Meat Boy
There's just something so joyous about a game where you go "split splat split splat" everytime you move, jump, or (inevitably) die. THE STORY IS SO BEAUTIFUL I WILL CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERY SINGLE NIGHT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Burnout Paradise
I'm not a good driver in the COMPUTER LAND. I'm fine admiting this. This game however, is fun. Fun in a "GTA without the shooting or running over people" and with "BRUTAL CRASHES that the RTA should use in their Speeding is for Stereotyped Targets of Hatred (Warning: EXTREMELY NSFW) ads or something"

DeathSpank
A condescending, jolly trot through the countryside, stuffing orphans in a bag for a re-election campaign photoshoot. Wait, what? You're a dude in a tight pair of purple undies (I believe the Emericans call them "Thongs"), going around beating things up for flimsy reasons that make sense in his diseased brain. GOOD TIMES.

Poker Night at the Inventory
I'm not a great poker player, I'll happily admit that. What I'll also admit is that this game is completely spastic. Spastic in a "I'll go all in on a pair of 3's" kind of spastic. The only way to win in this game apparently is dumb luck, and since you're playing against the computer, which also knows what cards everyone has, I have an inherient distrust of the whole getup.
But it gives you cosmetic items for TF2, so who cares. (I DO. I MUST HAVE ALL OF THEM)

Back To The Future - The Game
Oh man, the last time I got this excited about the 80's was that time I started screaming "Take On Me" while waiting for my burgers at Maccas. The Michael J Fox sound-a-like is perfect, THE PAGE MASTAR is back as the Science Man, and if the opening notes don't make you jitter, then you are dead to me. Here's hoping the rest of the season pans out as well as the opening act has.
It's so good it made me go and watch the outtakes from the first film, where Marty is a homophobe, Doc reads a Playboy, and then Michael J Fox calls his mum a "Biiiitch" in a mexican accent.

VVVVVV
FUCKING SPIKES.
But yeah...
I do like how the characters have 2 expressions only: HAPPY and SADS. It is the best way to express EVERY EMOTION.

Dragon Age: Awakening
The last boss can be classified simply as "What, eww", but then you leave one of your weapons in her/its neck and walk off into the ~~hole in the earth~~ sunset, so ~~about frigging time this game ended~~ yay!. Fun Fact: I actually gave up on this game 10 minutes out of the proper ending, because I just did not care any more. Let's just chalk this one up to a writer who doesn't know how to properly carry off an arc.

DELIGHTFUL GIRLFRIEND!
She get's the 2010 award of "Best". In every category, expect maybe as a mode of transport, and I suppose as a building material also. That just about sums it up.

And that brings to a close this list! PEACE OUT, Y'ALL.

It was the Day before Christmas...

2010-12-24T14:15:00.001+11:00

And temperatures are currently 39 degrees Celsius.
At 11am.
Apparently, it's supposed to hit 42. I am pretty sure we'll beat that.
And that's also apparently nothing, according to one of our travelling sonographers. Karratha hits this temperature by 9 am.

Why yes, that is a fairy on a giant dump truck covered in tinsel going down Hannan Street.
Our Christmas parades are awesome.

Hope you have Fun :)
Travis.

The Machines are Sentient.

2010-12-16T16:06:00.003+11:00

...and they are malevolent?

Yes. I mean we've known that they have had intelligence for a long time but now I know that they have personalities.

How is it that you find that they manifest this... personality?

It's different from machine to machine, of course, but I think that they are plotting our down fall.

Let's start from the beginning. How did you come to this conclusion?

I think it was from when I first got here. On my first day out I thought I noticed something odd about the traffic lights and, in particular, the pedestrian crossing lights. I couldn't quite place it until a few days later when I saw that they conspired to hold up traffic in all directions. For minutes at a time, the entire flow of traffic through this small town is put at a stand still because of the machines.

You don't think that this might be due to human factors?

Not a chance. Surely there aren't people that stupid to make it do things like that. No, the traffic lights and pedestrian crossing lights figured out a way to communicate with each other in such a way that one can sleep while the other is awake and the pedestrian lights care not for traffic concerns.

Was there anything else that concerned you?

Plenty of things. Let's talk about the OPG Machine.

“OPG”?

Orthopantomography. The pictures of your teeth that dentists use.

Ah. Go on.

Well, at first the machine and I were friends. It didn't like most people, and regularly decided not to work for them until multiple people intervened. But I knew how to.... push all of its good buttons, so to speak. But then, after a few months, it all started to go wrong. The machine started to make small errors creep in. Things like not working when I pushed the “Go” button and not working when I changed it to... take side on pictures of people's heads. Later on, it refused to go for one of our crew. It really didn't like her much to begin with, but this was the first time that it flatly refused to work at all, not even for the people that it was normally nice to.

I see.

Yeah. Even when we gave it it's own room, it did not really like us too much. For starters, its powerpoint in an awkward position so that moving the machine vertically sometimes grated on the cords and nearly knocked itself out.

Surely that could be attributed to human error because, after all, a human put the machine there.

Well... I might give you that one. But that still doesn't mean it was nice. It made different noises after a little while. I don't think it liked its new room very much, it was a lot smaller than its previous room. It probably didn't help that we made it share the room, in the end, with an older Ultrasound machine too. X-Ray and Ultrasound don't always get on too well with each other.

Are there any more issues with machines at your work?

I could go on for days. We'll start with the basic X-Ray system in Room One. For a while there it refused to cut out on automatic exposures. We had to perform a minor system lobotomy on it to fix the problem, but only a few weeks later it decided that it would blow it's main top.

“It's main top”?

Yeah, the whole tube shorted out. We had to perform full scale brain surgery to fix that one. Truth be told, I don't think it liked us much after we removed the OPG machine from the room.

So the OPG machine used to live in the same room as X-Ray One?

Yeah. They lived together for a very long time so I guess it is only fair that they didn't work as well after they were split up. They were rebelling against us because they were unhappy.

Anything else?

The system that we have that links the reception area to the X-Ray sorting room is constantly not performing as it should. I think that the program has gained sentience because it constantly asks for days off and, when we do not accede to its requests, it takes several days off in protest. But, I guess that's what happens when the system names itself “Mirth”.

Your system named itself “Mirth”?

That's the name it tells us it is called. I am fairly sure that a human wouldn't call a system a name like that if it was supposed to do what it was meant to. I mean, Microsoft Works has been sentient for over a decade now. Mirth has only just figured out how to generate itself a personality. But I guess it is only fair: We all get days off and silicon intelligence now wants the same rights. These systems are rarely put to sleep, so I guess sleep deprivation is the same for computers.

I'll move on to CT. Recently, as in the past six months, I think that the mouse on the reconstruction console has developed sentience. And it does not like working either. It will simply stop moving randomly once a month, though it is getting more frequent with two episodes this week alone. Sometimes it also randomises the cursor on the screen too and will stop working properly then too. Performing hygenic acts on it, like cleaning it, does not seem to work so we have to put it to sleep and wake it up again. I think it might have both epilepsy and narcolepsy.

Are there any other machine problems limited to work?

The system that links our PACS, that is a picture archive system, to the rest of the world and sometimes even the rest of the department has learnt limited sentience. I blame Mirth here, because the problems are similar. I think it learnt how to do it from Mirth because it is acting in exactly the same way that Mirth did when it first started showing personality. It must be in training. I think it is also teaching the scanner because, for the past week, the scanner has decided to stop talking to the online PACS system for the radiologists. The scanner must be a fast learner.

How about any other issues outside of work?

Well, how about the credit card swipey things at stores?

What about them?

Sometimes they just don't work, no matter what direction my card is facing. And then, when the cashier does it, it works fine first time every time. It really pisses me off.

Does it upset you?

Upset me? Hell yeah it upsets me. Why don't they work for me but some one else? I think they have it in for me. It's just embarrassing.

Anything else?

Well what about music?

What about music?

Take the Bloody Beetroots, for example. Their music sounds as if a computer randomly selected a few keys and repeated them ad nausem and people like it.

How does that imply that the machine has a personality?

It's controlling us through some form of possibly subliminal audio frequencies.

The machine knows what people want to dance to, or at least it knows what murder on a computerised scale would sound like.

But, see, the machine from the Bloody Beetroots does its own songs and it sounds like computerised vomit on a metronome but it also does remixes that sound friendly.

Oh, major one: Auto-tune! There is no finer example than today's Top 40 chart of malicious machines brain washing the masses.

What sort of music do you listen to?

Hey, that's irrelevant. Those machines know what they are doing.

That doesn't answer the question.

Since I figure we are still talking computerised stuff, I'll say that Drum'n'Bass is hot at the moment, with a bit of trance, dance and techno too.

I am not really familiar with some of those, but some of them I do know and they are highly mechanised. In your own words, what do they involve?

Those are the good machines. Like the Bloody Beetroots, they know what people want to dance to but they are a little more friendly about it.... even if it is at a faster BPM.

That sounds a little hypocritical.

I'm not the machines. I didn't say all of them are malicious, I just said that they had personalities.

Back to the machines brainwashing, do you think that it is at all possible that the machines on the music you listen to are brainwashing you?

…. Let's move on.

OK. So far we have most of the machines in your department, the traffic lights, the credit card swipers and music. Is there anything else causing you concern?

My iron is evil. Some weeks, it is perfectly fine with me. Others, it will chuck a hissy fit literally. It will drip water all over the dried clothes. Given that the water here dries with a white stain and most of my clothes are not of that colour, I think that it really doesn't like me during those weeks.

The washing machine also has issues with me some times. Particularly earlier on, it used to nibble on my clothes a bit.

I've heard of washing machines eating clothes before, but this one only nibbles on them?

Yeah. It sort of chews them a little bit. Enough to make some threads go loose but not enough to tear vital things. I have lost maybe four or five sets of clothes to it in the past twelve or so months. I think it also has a limited taste for socks too. I lose one only to find it a week or two later in another load of washing. Maybe it's just storing them for later times and remembers that they are socks. Enough to annoy.

Oh, my oven doesn't really like me. I tell it to go to a temperature and sometimes things will cook properly for the given temperature and sometimes they won't. For example, one night I was cooking cookies and set it to the temperatures recommended on the box and they took twice as long as they should have to cook. A few days later, the same thing at the same temperature and I had burnt them whilst having them in for less time at supposedly the same temperature. Evil, I tell you. I think one day it intends to give me food poisoning by deliberately not cooking something at a high enough temperature.

Does anything happen to anyone else?

Hmm, well I know a neighbour had problem with her washing machine eating her clothes. Actually, I don't think eating is the correct word here. But I guess it was taking something away from the clothes because they kept getting smaller. I don't know of anyone else that had that trouble.

Another one of my neighbours has a lot of trouble with her dryer. It started off ok, but it has recently started getting boisterous and generally loud.

I've seen machines at the Hospital not work for certain people. Come to think about it, many of the problems in our department seem to come up more often when one of our crew is operating them. The problem with the OPG machine? The same person as the one where the mouse on the CT machine suffers narcoleptic and epileptic fits. Maybe its because all of the X-Ray machines know that she is training for Ultrasound.

And half of the problems with the systems at the hospital generally aren't directly related to me, so I guess that means that they are other people's problems.
What else... I know that some of the email systems have become conscious because they keep sending me replies telling me that these people are away even though I know that they are not.

I see. Is that everything?

I think I will tell you about the two most personal experiences.

First there was my car. I've had it for a few years now since my granma gave it to me when she got a new one. For a long time, we were pretty good friends but then I had to move over here. I got it shipped over from the eastern states, but when it got here, it refused to do anything for me. I think it was still mad at me for when I went back to the eastern states for a short while and I used it again but then I went away and didn't see it for a few more months.

You don't suppose it wouldn't start because of a flat battery?

No, that's what they want you to believe. That charge they give it is for Electroconvulsive Therapy to lobotomise it and make it forget why it was mad in the first place. See, I know this to be true because after the therapy it was working fine until a few months later when I changed its number plates as per state regulations. I think I may have removed its soul or something for it now drinks a lot more petrol. It might be trying to fill the void. It really is not happy with me. I mean we are still friends, but I notice that it is drinking a lot more so that usually means that someone is not happy.

You said there was two personal experiences. What was the other?

The other was my laptop. See, occasionally for the space of about two or three weeks, it will stop starting up if there is a DVD or CD in the disc drive, and it will not forgive you if you turn the power off or on whilst it is awake. It takes a quite a few tries and doing quite a few really odd things to get it working again.

What sort of odd things?

You're probably not going to believe it, but sometimes I would have to hang it upside down or on its side when I wanted it to wake up. And even then it would take a few goes.

How did that make you feel?

Well, it makes me feel like I have been betrayed by one of my best friends. I mean, I came to this side of the country knowing no one and my laptop was one of the few connections I had to the past and it came over with me. It felt like a stab in the back the first time it happened. When it first started working properly again, it was like I was a parent trying to get a child out of bed.

Is that all?

Well, more or less. There are a few niggling things, like my mobile phone deciding that an area that had four out of four bars of reception one minute ago is now an area of zero reception. But, then again, I've always had a little problem with reception on that phone. I think it does not really like going to sleep either because everytime I do it, it takes substantially more battery power to switch on than it does to leave it on constantly. I did a bit of an experiment, whereby I would switch off my phone during working hours and compare the battery use with leaving it on over those hours. Turns out that I can get a whole day's more charge out of it just by leaving it on all the time. I think it must take more battery power to remember how it felt just prior to being put to sleep.

Well, that is all of the time we have for today.

So, what do you think? I'm not mad, right?

Hah, no but I think a stint on a ward might do you some good. We might take a tour of the hospital tomorrow.

Haha, ok.

Wait...
By “a ward”, do you mean “a ward” as in any of the wards we have, or “A” ward as in the specific ward of the psychiatric unit?

Well, that's not really of your concern but I will let you know that the doctors and nurses there are very caring of their patients. Also, I am now currently distracting you.

Huh?

I would very much appreciate it, and you will too in the end, if you do not wriggle around whilst the burly gentlemen give you a white suit and a gag.

NNNNNOOOOOOooooo.... *gags*

Hannan Street. Part the Two... And some other musings

2010-12-05T15:39:00.002+11:00

The Palace/The Gold Bar

No real need for mental jogs as this was the only "new" pub to add to the list last night and it wasn't a huge night out. This place is two different places in one... if that makes sense. Out the front near the main entrance that you can see on the corner is the Palace bar and, after walking through it, you get to the Gold bar.
Starting with the Palace, the first thing you notice is your ears crying... especially on Karaoke night. I really feel sorry for the bar people. Last night several of them were physically wincing and one was crouched down in a nearly hidden corner of the bar in a near foetal position (no, really, this happened). It is also played at a volume that will make your ears bleed. Even combined, the tears and blood in your ears will not drown out the noise.
The second thing you will notice is that the cost of drinks is 10 cents cheaper than anywhere else I've visited on Hannan Street. $8.40 for a Bundy and Coke and $4.40 (? uncertain) for a middy of XXXX. On first glance, this is a good thing.
"Hooray," you shall think. "Now I can save some money!"
This is followed, roughly three drinks later, by the fourth thing that you notice: that you now weigh substantially heavier from the amount of coins you are carrying. I am currently at the point where my wallet is almost bursting at the seams and I could potentially bludgeon a whale (or drunken brawler) to death.
In between, we have the third thing that you notice: That your feet stick to the floor. Unlike Judds, where the floor is more slippery when drinks are dropped on it, the wooden floor of the Palace gets more sticky.
The fifth thing you notice is that there are a lot of people, primarily women, falling over. In the space of 10 minutes, there were no fewer than 5 people that made it to at least their knees... if not their face. Highly amusing considering that the floor tries its best to hold you still.

After this, however, you then get the DJ. This varies substantially from pretty awesome Top 40 hits from late 80's to the significantly less awesome AutoTuned Top 40 hits of today. Also a significant amount of alleged RnB (alleged because I find no Rhythm nor Blues contained in such "music").

They do have a mildly amusing and distracting set of laser light show, though.

Palace Ratings:
Typical Patron: Drunk Karaoke "Stars", generic average person. Average age appears ~40 until the DJ comes on and people move away from The Exchange.
Typical Music: Cringe worthy Karaoke, RnB, Top 40 from the 80s to today.
Atmosphere: Sticky.
Prices: Slightly cheaper than most.
Reasons to Visit: To get to the Gold Bar. To remind yourself that, no matter what, you are a better Karaoke singer than most of the population (so you don't have to prove it by actually doing it), to experience what magnetic shoes would be like, to watch video clips on a projector screen.
Potential for Violence: Variable, from low to High... depending on how the Gold Bar is going, how people are after coming across from the Exchange and how long you can let your hands away from your ears to throw ice or a cup at the offending Karaoke stars without convulsing.

And now The Gold Bar.
The first thing you notice is that the stickiness of the floor in the Palace section is nothing. There are times where you will feel as if stuck in quick sand whilst walking on this carpet.
The second thing you notice is that it is a bit quieter and that there are a lot of guys at the bar... because the third thing you notice is that the bar girls are not wearing any tops or, at most, have just returned from the sex shops with their new outfit.
You then go back to the first thing you notice, the stickiness of the floor, and try not to wonder what caused it to be like that.
There really is not that much more to it than that... unless you stand near the air conditioning, because you'll note that the air temperature is 10 degrees lower than anywhere else in Kalgoorlie.
There is a pool table whose function, I am convinced, is basically to reduce the amount of space available to everyone and to annoy the people who actually want to play pool because it is a pretty confined space.

As with DeBos, the toilet facilities here are fraught with danger. The floor, for example, is covered with a layer of fluid that I really do not want to think too hard about. It would actually be a decent place to go, as far as public toilets go, if it weren't for that fact.

Typical Patron: Generic Male (occasionally with girlfriend or group of friends). Seedy Male (fully equipped with porn moustache or "I haven't showered or shaven in a week" look).
Typical Music: Anything that is playing in at the Palace.
Atmosphere: Cold... yet Hot.
Prices: See "The Palace". And Tips for Tits.
Reasons to Visit: Breasts. And to move away from the Palace without leaving the building. To see what high powered supermagnets strapped to your shoes would feel like.
Potential for Violence: Mid to High, depending on how tanked everyone is.

***

Now, I will admit that these are not all of the pubs on Hannan Street. For example, there is the Criterion hotel half way up the road past the Exchange. However, I am willing to call this the end of the pub trek on Hannan street simply because I see no reason to add excess risk to my life at the moment. Perhaps later.
Also note that I have slightly edited the previous post. That means you should go back and read it all again because you have little better to do.

***

HOUSE RUINS MUSIC
I am going to happily admit that I don't mind House music. I mean, I rarely listen to it outside of clubs and pubs... but I like the general beat and limited electro that it grants me and it is very easy to dance to, which is great for the uncoordinated like myself. And somehow people like this sort of electro dance without liking other types of electro, and that amuses me.
However...
Everyone here knows, or should know, Rule 34 of the internet.
I think someone somewhere should start a similar campaign for House music for, y'see, last night they...
no, it's too horrible
You Must, For The Sake of Knowledge
I must...
They... They raped my childhood.
They mixed, with a poor electro house beat, the opening sequence from The Lion King.
That's right.
I now feel truly dirty because I danced to it (face gobsmacked, of course) and I know the DJ.

Read and weep with me, people.

***
It's getting close to that time...
Triple J Hottest 100 will be coming to you in under two months.
What are your audio bliss tunes?

Hannan Street. Part the One

2010-12-04T17:38:00.002+11:00

Finally got off my arse and got out at the same time.
So... here is how this is going to work:
I will post what I typed in my phone as a memory jog and then try to decipher it into something meaningful. This will be interesting as it is currently 11:11 am and I am still in a vague hungover state and without breakfast.
I think I will also use a well known and reliable rating system... largely because I am too unintelligent to create my own system. I'll probably ruin the system too because I am not really as much of a wordsmith as Seb but... whatever.

Judds / The Kalgoorlie Hotel

Judds. Pizza 26.5,b c 10. Mother on tap. Tight arse tues 20, 3 dol middy. High Mirrors in toilet. Middy gas issues, went bundy, $4. Trough has 1 of 3 working buttons. Chunks. Taps annoying push 2 second.

(note... this is not quite how Judds looks at the moment. For example, as you can see in this image, this is from a time before it was called Judds)

We start at the far end of the main portion of Hannan street at ~8pm. This is largely because Judds has AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS Wood-fired PIZZAS. They are also amazingly expensive at $26.50 (for my choice anyway... some are closer to $30) a pop. Honestly worth it though. Drinks cost varies, as I will demonstrate later. They also do "Tight Arse Tuesday", whereby pizza, middys and jugs are significantly cheaper ($20 a pizza, $3 middy, $12 jugs). The pizza menu is quite unique in that some things that really shouldn't be on pizzas are put on pizzas... and it works. Things like pumpkin, peanut butter and there may be avacado on one of them. I can't remember. But they are all delicious. On an unrelated note, I am hungry.
Drink one for the evening was a Bundy and Coke. At $10 a pop, more expensive than I remember (I haven't really been out in Kal since well before the wedding I came back for). I went back later for a middy of XXXX but their gas tanks were down... but when they eventually got them back up, it was a nice $4 middy.
Judds has a large outdoor section out the back. Occasionally, they have a large Jenga-type game with blocks roughly the thickness of my forearm. Last night, it was being used as an additional set of wooden seats... but the fact that they have it there tells you a few things. One: They aren't really worried about other people using it too beat each other up with (god, that's an awkward phrase). Two: They aren't worried about drunken people with planks of wood falling down on them. Three: Awesome.
Toiletry facilities for the gents are a mixed bag. On one hand, they appear clean... until you look a little closer and see chunks mixed in with the urinal cubes. Yes, they use things that look like sugar cubes. This can only be confusing for young children and drunks alike. The trough has three "easy" to use giant buttons to get water flowing. Except only one of them works. And you have to use a force that comes close to breaking your fingers. Their taps are the annoying push button type that has a ridiculously short timer. Enough to get your hands slightly wet and soapy but nowhere near long enough to do anything else. Ads on the wall are for Miners Accommodation. For the low cost of $1.2 million, you too can have your own series of lodges that house up to 70 or 80 miners.
At the time I finished up, ~9:50, things were starting to get pumping as the music was getting louder and the DJ started sound checking.
I came back a little later in the evening at around 11:30. Here's where the variable price for a drink comes in... because my previous $10 Bundy and Coke turned in to an $8.50 Bundy and Coke. I would have thought that it would have been more prudent to make prices rise as the night wears on because drunk people are gullible. Apparently, I am evil and wrong.
The floor turns to something like ice in terms of grip as the bar and dancefloor are one and the same, more or less, and spilled drinks spread all over the place.
This place hosts all sorts of interesting things, from Ministry of Sound gigs to Swimsuit competitions.

Now for the ratings:
Typical Patron: The young crowd. As the night goes on, no one over ~30 seems to be here and I would suggest that half are below 20. Also a lot of dickheads. Guys especially are dicks. And 18 year old guys that wear caps and have surfer hair seem to only go between here and the Exchange and are the biggest dicks of them all.
Typical Music: Pre-Night life is random hits from the 70's to today and a large projector screen for music videos... all the good stuff. Night Life is House, Dance, House, RnB, House.
Atmosphere: Pre-nightlife is quite cruisy and nice. People smile. The wooden tables are brilliant, the wooden chairs less so. After Night-life, you want to glass certain people as they try to assert themselves as an Alpha Male.
Prices: Variable, but higher end in general.
Reasons to Visit: Pizza, out back entertainment area, frustrate yourself with arseholes.
Potential for Violence: Somewhere between low and high... Depending largely on how self restrained you are when dealing with wankers and how forgiving people are when you slip on the floor and make them spill their drink.

The York

York, 10pm 8.5 bnc. GAME! Bono no glasses. Friendlier than first thought. Sporting memorabilia. 5.5 bottle 4X. Smell trough from here.

The next pub up the road is The York. I am going to admit that I quite often walk past this one because a quick look in makes me feel... unwelcome. Bikies at the bar in the middle of the day will do that to you. I will also admit that this is the first time at the pub. However, the truth is actually that the York is a hidden gem of the night. People are pretty friendly on the inside at night... a good thing because there is precious little floor space. $8.50 bundy and Coke and, as an apparent attempt to screw up my numbers, they don't have XXXX on tap so I got a bottle instead for $5.50... which is cheaper than most places here I think.
Last night was, I think, the first time I have seen Bono without "Fly Shades" as their screens were playing old U2 video clips whilst the live guy was playing old classics like "Copperhead Road". Interesting combination.
The walls are adorned with a phenomenal amount of sporting memorabilia, ranging from Formula One to Boxing to Soccer to League to... you get the idea.
They have one of the old school video game table type arrangements with 70+ games on it. Things like Pacman and 1942 are on this machine. It is, of course, located in the darkest corner of this small pub and is right next to the gents.
The gents, itself, is tiny. Any more than 3 people of my size in it is practically impossible. It's like a closet... an afterthought. "Oh yeah, when people drink they need to pee. Shit... we've got no room elsewhere so let's turn our storage cupboard in to the toilet." Yeah. That'll work.
For some reason, the stench also travels quite a distance... like a third of the way in to the pub. Probably why that corner is the dark one, really.

Typical Patron: Bikers and oldies. Average age is ~40.
Typical Music: Generic Pub Rock as performed by a solo person. Also do sporting events, like the NRL Grand Final.
Atmosphere: Somewhere between friendly and urine.
Prices: Pretty good for Kal.
Reasons to Visit: To see the sporting memorabilia. To smile with people who don't appear to have a second agenda of stabbing you.
Potential for Violence: Seems to be unusually low for Kal. Like nearly non-existent, but I am sure that has got to be a lie. This is Kalgoorlie...

DeBernales

De Bernales 1045. Dead, surprised. 8.5 bnc. 11.60 middy x2. Toilet meh. Twist Flush. Bad Dryer.

Stop Three on this tour is DeBernales, or DeBos as it is known, and is named after an entrepreneur. As you can see, by this time of the night I was getting a little bit Liquid in terms of typing things in to my phone and I also couldn't work out how much an individual middy was... turns out it is $5.80. Bundy and Cokes are a standard $8.50.
This is the place of most variance. By day, and on some nights, it is opened up as a semi-classy restaurant. Tables and chairs here are really quite comfy. There's all sorts of historical things encased in glass on the front entrance. By (some) night, this is House central and is one of THE places to be in Kal if you are looking for a night out. Revellers of all ages party on through the night... and I'm not kidding either: Last night, there were several ~70 years olds mixing it up with the teeny boppers on the dance floor and this is not uncommon.
The part of the night where I first got here, 10:45pm, is unusually dead. There are roughly 10 people here, there is little in the way of music (Top 40 trash, I think). However, people start rolling in at 11 and then the noise begins...
This place is also huge... which makes the fact that they can pack it in a town of such a size even more impressive.
The general area is semi-well designed. For some reason, there are a couple of brick walls in what would otherwise be key walking areas... but there are two sets of toilets on opposite sides of the building... something that is much needed. Both sets are bizarre, but for different reasons.
The one closest to the dance floor is pretty big and open, and this is good because it is constantly filled with people waiting. It is also poorly lit and makes you think of any movie or TV shows whereby the main characters whip out cocaine.
The one closest to the bar is a tiny affair, marginally larger than the York's dismal effort. Less smelly, but far more slippery. I don't want to know. Oh, and the hand dryer on the wall is prone to nearly falling off every time it is used. Awkward.

Typical Patron: Teeny Boppers and general public.
Typical Music: Top 40 if not in Nightclub mode, HOUSE when in Nightclub mode.
Atmosphere: Thick.
Prices: Average to high.
Reasons to Visit: Watch old people dance to new people music. House music played at a volume that will make your ears bleed. To have a conversation whilst shouting and still not being able to hear anything.
Potential for Violence: Mediocre. Occasional arrogant guys hanging around the front, near the covered pool tables and outside.

The Exchange

Exchange 1130. First biff.

Yeah... so by this time of the night, I was fairly liquid. I didn't even purchase a drink here, having met up with a few people and going rounds. Last night was the first time I had witnessed a true Kalgoorlie biff, whereby people are laughing and smiling one minute and all hell breaks loose the next and no one knows why it started.
The Exchange is a sports bar with Skimpies (remember the girls with small clothes and smaller tempers?). There are no fewer than 7 giant plasmas or LCDs with various sports, music videos and TV shows playing.
The pub itself is sort of like a saloon, with barrels and ye olden style wagon wheels all over the place. For some reason, they also decided that there should be a step in the middle of the pub. Hooray for drunk people falling over!
Music is limited to Live bands playing classics or anything from the 70's, 80's or 90's.
It tends to get crowded too. This is where many miners and other manual labourers head to after work.

I can actually directly copy across one of Seb's Maitland Pub Guides, the one about The Clubhouse, and it would actually fit almost perfectly here.
Only difference, really, is that the Exchange has Skimpies.
As such...

Typical Patron: Bogan/Violent Bogan
Typical Music: Bogan Rock (CHISEL, Mental As Anything, etc)
Atmosphere: Oppressive/Fear Inducing/Oh God Why Did I Come In Here
Prices: Average
Reasons to Visit: Suicide (Be it social, mental, spiritual, or physical, the Exchange caters for all your self harm needs!)
Potential for Violence: Somewhere between High and Guaranteed. In fact, violence potential is so high that this is the first Kal pub to suffer the Lockout syndrome, Newcastle style (as of a few weeks back, they now have a 12 midnight lock down, whereby they stop the music, tell everyone to get out and lock the doors before people get out. Yes, that's right, they thought that one through...)

***
I have missed Paddy's (because of a locked door at the Exchange) and The Palace/Gold Bar (time constraints/not willing to take a second roll of the Violent dice), but I think I will try them tonight.

EDIT
Tried to fix the picture to Judds because it was broked. Apparently, Google images thought it wasn't and included it as the fourth image on my search for a new Judds picture. Arf?
Also included a Potential for Violence indicator for each pub.

From the horizon

2010-12-03T19:48:00.001+11:00

I hear the cries... WHERE FORTH ART THOU, FRIDAY NIGHT PROJECT?
Well, if you're that keen to discover what I've chosen to do this Friday, check out the Tumblr account. Just be warned, this one may hit you like a sack of bricks.

Also should I echo Veronica Gray's RAGE at the fact my rent is being increased by $10/month? I think the answer is no.

Especially if they're bored on a Friday night, watching the 7:30 Report.

2010-11-26T20:32:00.002+11:00

Hey all you fools out there!
Over the past few weeks, I've begun what I like to call the "Post-Lovely Chat Project", which rolls off the tongue with significantly greater difficultly than horrible shows like "THE 7PM PROJECT" or "The 7:30 Report" or "My Name Is EARL OF SANDWICH". To fill in time and to break up the relative tedium and repetition of my life, I endevour to produce a different thing every week. Obviously, this is doomed to failure eventually, but you can reap the relative rewards now. 2 weeks ago, it was night photography, which is on the Tumblr thingy, last week it was a messy attempt to create a new cocktail with wanton disregard for knowledge picked up in Primary School (RED AND GREEN DO NOT MIX). This week, it's time to revisit an old concept. A few years ago, I posted a "THIS IS MY LIFE IN COMIX FORM" thing. Well, now it is back, and with a great deal of possible regret, I present an updated version!

In short, things receive a "Thumbs Up", instead of the usual "Thumbs up the bum" for quality. Hooray?

Perth!

2010-11-16T01:25:00.000+11:00

Sneak Blog Attack!

So... Perth.

I'll get the obvious out of the way. I went to Perth to see Pendulum play live and was not disappointed.
I got there about an hour and a half early, because I was told that Perth people like to line up. Turns out that I was about the 15th person there. Yay for me? Even better: I got a park before they started charging for car parks.
I heard Pendulum warming up/sound checking whilst we were all waiting outside. Not only could I hear everything fairly clearly, I am fairly sure that the roof was physically quaking under the loudness of the sound system. Not just vibrating, visually moving. Impressive, considering that I wasn't wearing my glasses.
Before Pendulum, they had a DJ (didn't catch the name...) playing Drum'n'Bass/Jungle and Dub Step. The bass line, particularly through the Dub Step section, was deep and loud enough that they probably could feel it in Jamaica. I'm sure we almost hit the brown note a few times too.
I'd prefer less Dub Step and more DnB... but the mixing was quite good.
Props go to the old man, who looked about 60 and probably there with a grand/child of some description, who was mixing it up with everyone in the middle of the mosh.
And then there was a break before Pendulum made it out.
The light show would have been enough, but there was also a giant screen behind them showing all sorts of CG/video goodness. I've got to be honest, I didn't even see what was happening on stage for the majority of the gig. There was only the screen.
The sound was not perfect... but after about ten seconds, your ear drums compensated for it by being blasted to hell.
One of the best moments was when the MC got the whole crowd to crouch to the floor in the middle of one of the songs (“Slam”? I can't remember which one it was...) before the second rise. A real crowd pleaser.
Roughly a 50-50 mix of the Pendulum classics and new stuff including, of course, the ABC remix (which actually isn't as good live as it is on the radio... but at least everyone was up for it).
They lose marks for not playing “Hold Your Colour”... so that gives them a score of 10 out of 10.

Curiously, I was asked on no less than 3 occasions if I was selling pills. Pretty sure that I don't look that dodgy... right?

Now... Perth itself.
I have decided that I am not a city person. Anything bigger than Newcastle may be a little much, but anything smaller than Kal is probably too small. Potential exception: Bega.
I may have bigged it up too much in my head, so I was initially disappointed.
I remember once having written in an assignment that Perth was a well designed city because it was actually designed as a city and not as something smaller that just grew up to be a city.
Well, the problem with that is that project was almost 15 years ago and all cities eventually grow up... and need to have repair and expansion work done. A solid section of the streets and buildings near where I was/wanted to be were construction zones. That made navigating and driving around hard when some streets were closed or only open in one direction.
To make matters worse, it's been a while since I have had a multitude of one way streets to deal with and it's not that good. Perth is reasonably well signposted but, with all of the road works going on, there were a few errors that potentially lead up to crashes. They also have a few streets that angle across at major intersections. One particular street has a one way street turn in to a two way street whilst crossing over a lane that has traffic lights situated between where you stop and where you actually turn. Sounds confusing? Yeah... try driving it for the first time during peak hour.
Here is an annotated map of the offending intersection:

Red Line is where you stop when heading North. Blue Line indicates the direction the street crossing you takes. The Real traffic lights are the middle circle. There are also two other sets of traffic lights (other circles).
Note the scale on the map? Yeah, this is all within 40 or so metres. Because that makes sense.

The directions from Google Maps don't lie (often... their distances and times appear to be somewhat off)... but the map itself tries its hardest.

"A" Is where I am staying. I am driving in from the North side of the Freeway. I know I must take a loop off at the spaghetti junction when driving south.
The street I want is Mount Street (conveniently located across the middle of the picture).
See how this street looks like it connects (as shown below)?

Well... it doesn't.
That freeway actually runs through the middle, and the street name running across it is a deception. You can not get to the west portion of this street without doing a huge loop around. I'm sure you could at some point in time... but not now.
And if you couldn't do it before, the person who named the streets needs a good slap on the head.
That connection? A bridge walkway... and not a Tunnel as I though it might be.
Needless to say that finding my temporary accommodation was difficult.
This was compounded by the fact that the turn off (Cliff Street) says No Through Road... something that shouldn't really happen when there are multiple exits from said street... and especially when it is a Street and not a Close or Lane or similar. Oh yeah, Cliff Street is also like Mount Rd in that it appears to connect but really doesn't. In fact, Cliff Street is true to its name because there is a drop of 15 to 20 metres from the top part of the street to the one that connects to the main road in the south. How these two pathways ever got the same name, I will never know.
Then there are the streets that are known by several different names... Such as St. Georges Tce, Malcolm Street and Kings Park Road... all splayed more or less horizontally across the middle of the map.
Here is the actual route you need to take to get there:

I won't show the route I took... but needless to say that it covers almost all of the streets visualised on the map. And then some. And 30 minutes.

Western Australia is a curious place in terms of retail hours. They only recently, as in the past two months, passed laws that allowed some types of stores to be open on Sundays... but the law is complex and certain types of stores are only allowed to be open in certain locations but not others, whilst other types of stores are allowed only limited times.
Midday is not an uncommon time for stores to open on a Sunday... if they open at all.

In apparent contradiction to what I will say later, Perth is a well dressed city... to the point where I felt under-dressed whilst walking around and intimidated when looking for restaurants and cafes.

I still recommend going to Perth. It feels significantly more open and friendly than Sydney. The people here are less uptight and self-important, and there are less of them. Even the sunlight and breeze feels better.

So... what else is there?
Well... whilst scouting out my route to get to the stadium, I found this sign.

Now... I am not sure what they were thinking here, but the whole idea of being Terminator whilst being a real estate agent does not really give me confidence. I mean... would you purchase anything from a robot whose purpose is to destroy human kind? Perhaps I can see their point though: If you demand a piece of real estate, they will erase all resistance to your will and you can claim vast tracts of open land.

So there.

Yeah, I know it's not a post full of laffs... but it is still a post. Enjoy :)

(In the future, there will be technology with personality and a guide to Hannan Street. Yes, I know that I have been promising Hannan Street for a while. It will happen as I finally have a complete weekend or three coming up)

Apocalypse Maitland: Why you can't go home

2010-10-10T20:40:00.016+11:00

For some idiotic reason, I returned to Maitland the other week, like how Francis Ford Coppala returned to Apocalypse Now and added a whole bunch of stuff, and making the whole thing unbearably long and painful to watch. Therefore, the analogy is appropriate! Let's find out what living in (relative) paradise means when you finally have to come home.

First thing to do was to have a look around the neighbourhood and see what had changed. I suppose the best place to start would be the Stupor-market. Let's see what wonder awaits!

Well, at least the car can still be driven, I suppose people have become nicer since I left.

The entry to the Supermarket still looks like a detention centre.

See, normally I'd overlook a bit of this sorta thing, but I know what kind of filth lives in the vents of this particular supermarket. See, I went to Primary School right next door to it, and there was this constant seepage from the air duct exhausts which was about half a step above a melted garbage bin in pleasent smell. While this is unpleasent enough, the fact that something was generating this did not cause me to place a great deal of faith in the upkeep of that centre. Given that the vents now project directly onto the floor, with naught a grill to hold back the critters, I can only hope that hygene standards have improved markedly since then. Otherwise... eww.

Turns out that Bacon is a fruit in Maitland.

See, here's a classic sign that you live in Maitland. You haven't thought through how to properly communicate your actual intent. I see this, and I get the following image stuck in my head:

This used to be the hippy shop, where you could get fortunes and readings and all that. Guess they didn't see this one coming.

See, the thing about Maitland is that it's incredibly resistant to change. Especially when that change involves a modicum of effort or thoughtfulness on someone's behalf. Take this shed for instance. It's all wonky and pathetic, right? This is a field for livestock which sees active use. This horse shed collapsed back in the flood in 2007. Is it safe? Hell no. Does one cow jump under it in the rain as it is the only shelter available? Yes. Do all the other cows stand and stare at that cow when it rains? Yes.

How to tell if there have been traffic accidents in Maitland is a simple matter. Just look for unrepaired property damage.

I'm not sure what I find the oddest. The fact that we missed the culpret of this heinous act of graffiti by 20 years and 1 day exactly, or the fact that this shed has developed an infection of something which can only be described as "BIRD HOLES". These are the kind of things that horrors spew forth from in most films. The lesson for the kids and kiddies here is STAY AWAY

But some things never change. Like the spray-painted speed-limit on that sign of 2150 km/h, and the fact that I feel like all my ambition, drive, determination., hope, enthusiam for life, and love for my fellow human drain out of my very essence every single time I enter the city limits.

Visit Historic Morpeth! Yesterday's trash is your future!

Oh what the hell is this I don't even...

I think we'll leave the last word with my dog.
"Dude, you can leave any time. I'm stuck here."

Insta-Post!

2010-09-11T13:28:00.002+10:00

Hello, my nasties!
In addition to being neglectful (due to commitments and self improvement and other things), I have created a side-order of Micro-Pain.
It's added to the links bar, but in case you're too drunk to find it, click on KITTEH
Yes, there still will be posts here, long and painful ones of PAIN AND LENGTH (and, if I get my Internet Pills, GIRTH), but this is because short term memory is the worst term memory. DOUBLE STANDARDS ALL THE WAY!

Even More of the Paranormal, According to YouTube

2010-07-11T15:45:00.001+10:00

The beauty of YouTube is that not only is it a great harbour for amateur filmmakers, it also gives complete nutters out there a chance to post absolute rubbish. As I have shown at least twice before, the paranormal seems to be a nice little breeding ground for these sorts of videos.

UFOs and Aliens

This category is where you find most of the action. And boy, what horribly bad action it is. This video gives us what other contributions to the "According to YouTube" posts have been lacking: Pointless re-enactments! Thank you sir for showing us how, after you come down the stairs, you go to your fridge. It also contains what they claim is distortion on the video tape caused by the UFO. I suppose it couldn't just be a crap recording, could it?

What makes that video interesting among paranormal videos is that it was shot during the day. Most are shot at night, when you can't see anything and will mistake an owl for an alien. Like these guys did. The only thing that could possibly be funnier is the slow motion replay they've included, complete with slowed down sound.

Going outside to investigate and then running away from what's probably some idiot teenager in a hoodie seems to be pretty common. Actually, mistaking anything for what you want it to be is pretty common. Here's ten agonising minutes of space junk caught on film that people think is ten minutes of NASA UFO footage. Note please their use of the word "expert" in the title.

If you managed to sit through those ten minutes, congratulations. Here's a much shorter video that feels like it's ten minutes long. Wait, which bit is meant to be the UFO? Oh, those three lights. Those three lights that could be anything at all?

Ghost Cars (Seriously)

When you think of normal ghost videos on YouTube, you probably think of clip shows of photoshopped images or some idiot pranking his friends. I bet you didn't think of a ghost car, though. Yes, that's right. a car that seemingly drives through a fence automatically becomes a ghost car that baffles the police. And that video is so popular, it needed not one, but two different videos explaining how the car is, in fact, solid.

Oh, but if you thought that was the only "ghost car," think again. Here's another one, complete with freaked out woman who somehow is convinced by the guy that the headlights they saw belong to a ghost car. Seriously?

Hang on. How can you tell whether something that far away "definitely drove into the trees". Shouldn't you go to see whether it wasn't a real car that crashed?!

Review: This time you can't relate to it!

2010-07-05T23:57:00.006+10:00

Welcome, freaks of various sorts, welcome to ~~Rapture~~ another of my ~~lovely, informative~~ poorly thought out rambles!
Right, I'm going to show you all how to do something. It's called "New Journalism". It sorta goes like this:
1. Take a topic which is traditionally reviewed in a certain way (i.e.: Quick outline of plot or concept, likes, dislikes, and a star rating)
2. Replace everything with an insane ramble about how the item of the review makes you wish that you named your dog something else
3. Forget the first 2 rules and just make something up.
I suppose all that's required now is a topic. The current temperature is approximately this. So let's go with...

Things that have been played kind of recently by one or more parties Co-Starring: Delightful Girlfriend

Eufloria - 2009

I think this one can be called "OMG SEED RUSH KEKEKEKE ^___________^" or something equally as abhorrant, but I prefer to think of it as "The sunflower I was given died in the frost and this is a constant reminder of my failures to prevent it from being run over by my neighbour". It's pretty, like those arty wallpapers that those snotty art students who live in a factory and die of exposure would have on their Apple computers WHICH ARE ONLY TO BE USED FOR PHOTOSHOP. Except this one has potentially got laser things in it! Also I can't stop thinking about freaking biology text books whenever I play this damn thing. All those chromosomes and plant bits everywhere. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?
AMAZING MOVING PICTURES WITH PHONOGRAPHIC SOUND!
Delightful Girlfriend thinks that this game is very pretty, but confusing because of counter intuitive UI. Also she likes it when the sounds make their humming sound.

Osmos - 2009

This one goes BLOOP BLOOP BLUM BLUM BLIM and every single review on the Interfails will refer to it as "Ambient" or "Relaxing", whereas most of the words I choose are "OH NOE OH NOE OH NOE". It's got music which there is never enough of, it's got very pretty pretties, and it's a simple concept (being BALLS TOUCHING BALLS). The problem is that I find it insanely frustrating, but, after playing with Delightful Girlfriend, I found that I was just too aggressive when it came to the amazing pooping ball. Her feelings on this matter are almost identical to mine. The early stuff is fun, the late stuff is "IT IS PRETTY AND I HATE IT". It's still highly recommended. I believe it was playing at a certain person's housewarming because it makes a brilliant background for things like parties in fidget houses of Relaxation punctuated with severe rage.

DEFCON - 2006

Ever wanted to be Mathew Broderick? No? TOO BLOODY BAD. Because now you have to be him. Forever. Or at least until this game saps your faith in the inherient goodness of your fellow man. It's all "Megatonnes" this and "London Hit: 12.4 Million Dead" that. I once played this for 2 days. After I wanted to go outside and live in a cave and cry. Which is how I like to imagine Thom Yorke feels like all the time. Or at least until he realises how awful In Rainbows was. There was a reason that album was free, I'll let you guess why, but it rhymes with "Bomb-pleat Kit". Anyway, instead of conjecture, I'll let this here VIDEOES portray the mood of "BLEAK EFFICIENCY".
Delightful Girlfriend calls this the "Horribly depressing game that I don't like even slightly *cries*". It's also the "I'm not playing that, it's horrible"-est game of the year (if the year is 2006).

Team Fortress 2 - 2007

I've said and done more than needs to be ever said about this. It is like an old friend who keeps suprising you with the same old tricks. However, it is also a favourite of Delightful Girlfriend, and results in a reversal of the traditional partner roles. As in I make dinner and clean up, she plays computer games. Also she's quite good at it, as it's easy enough to pick up and play for FUNS. Even though this is the INTERNET. AND SERIOUS. It is easily her pick of the lot (being every game ever, apparently!), probably because it is a mix of her love of Cuteness and ENGINEERING and SILLEH. Everyone loves a hat parade.

Just Cause 2 - 2009

"I am a swarthy Latin clown. I like attaching people to things. It brings me... Pleasure."
Maybe it's just the inner sociopath in me, but there is something so deeply enjoyable about riding on top of someones car whilst they yell "GET OFF THE ROOF". That and causing "LUDACRIS EXPLOSIONS". It's manly. ish. Also leaves a feeling in my stomach. Probably a deep worry about the quality of the building codes in this country.

The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom - 2010

Produced by the studio with the BEST NAME AND LOGO in a competition held completely within my brain, this has things I like. Insane things, Pies, and GENTLEMEN DOING TERRIBLE THINGS TO THEMSELVES. It is stylish, but very like Osmos. In that I had a tendancy to want to quit after about 20 minutes. Goddamn pies. BUT I HUNGER. I suppose it's like American Dad. You watch a bit, get upset at yourself, and then come back to it later. Rinse and Repeat.

Dragon Age: Origins - 2009

Fun times: try to play as an Atheist. You can't. Also you'll get all spotty and every good person is violating human rights and ever EVIL person is probably doing it to save his puppy from cute-itis and support his family and put his daughter through med-school. Also it shows that everyone has a price. But the price tends to be rings and statues and hilarious candies. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU. The secret to love is trinkets. Thanks, Bioware!

Mass Effect 2 - 2009

Let me quote Matt Graham on the quality of the history generator: (half sobbing)"WREX ISN'T DEAD". I put it like this: IN A WORLD... WHERE PEOPLE LIVE... AND DIE... WHAT YOU SAY IN A MEMORY TEST OVERRIDES WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED DUE TO SLOPPY CODING. Never shoved a gun in that dudes' face either. Grumble mumble. Apart from the "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN" moments, it's well put together, and enjoyable, sort of the opposite of Kingsley's Chicken, which to you Novocastrians is what Henny Penny would be like if you removed the delicious taste and replaced it with remorse. I like it significantly. Also gives me an excuse to sing this
Delightful Girlfriend: "Just one more mission, I can't stop now." You've got work in the morning. "But it is addictive" Yes, and now you understand my terrible plight "OOOH NOOO".

FUEL - 2009

Massive, beautiful, but empty world, boring game with AI so bad that I'm actually capable of winning in the Extreme Downhill Motorcyclish Failure of Hilarity race. A good hallmark of a racing game is that I should be completely incapable of winning. This is no so here. The most interesting thing that's ever been written about FUEL is this half delerious mess.

Grand Theft Auto IV - 2008

"PRESS SPACE TO PULL YOURSELF INTO THE HELICOPTER." IT DOESN'T WORK, THE MAN FALLS INTO THE RIVER BECAUSE HE'S WEAK, AND THE VILLIAN GOT AWAY AFTER SHOOTING UP THE WEDDING BECAUSE THIS IS GRITTY. There, that's the actual end as far as I'm concerned, because this is one of those things that tries so hard to be tough, but ends up as just getting annoying and going from "I don't care" to "RAAAR", which I read as "I HAVE NO EMOTIONAL GRADIENT. IT IS A CLIFF". This is one of the few things I have no problems leaving as it is, because it's unwatchable, like a video with the sound shifted by 3 seconds.

Braid - 2009

Soulja Boy is the most astute reviewer in the history of mankind. Therefore, anything I say will detract from his brilliance. OH NOE.

Dead Space - 2008

Finally, we get to this. Or as I call it "Mr. Stompy's Hilarious Engineering Adventure". Right, I want you to come up with the most blatently awful name for a man. Fit it to a genre. It'd be like having a movie about a female period writer called "Emily Austin" or "Jane Bronte". Considering this, we end up with a PROTA-GON-NIST called (Brace yourself) "Isaac Clarke". So, MISTER STOMPY is off on his adventure of screaming and putting boots through boxes and ARM PIECES on a series of "plot twists" more predictable than the reaction my intestines will have when I drink a litre of milk.
Now, Delightful Girlfriend had seen the promotional comics for this game, and wanted to know what it was like because she was interested. I showed her a bit of it. Her reaction was "Can we stop now, I'm scared". How scared? This scared. HOWEVER. She was playing it wrong! It's not a horror game! It's a COMEDY GAME. The hilarious 1 dimensional characters, coupled with the japes you'll have with the "enemies" make this a joyous romp of sillyness. You've got things which might as well say "HEY MAN I'VE GOT NO LEGS BUT I'VE GOT A TAIL IT'S PRETTY NEAT YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT?" and "THIS IS LIKE A JUMPING CASTLE COMBINED WITH A TUMBLE DRYER AND THERE IS EVEN A KITTY" "SUPRISE! It's your BIRTHDAY!" "I'm bringing Sexy Back" and "(giggles)Stoppp it! You'll give me a hickey!". There's even callbacks to Father Ted "It's the Spider Baby! It's got the body of a spider, but the mind of a baby!"
Overall impressions? Simple

Kalgoorlie: More Phails and then some Win OR Why did I decide to make blog titles like this a tradition?

2010-06-17T12:53:00.000+10:00

Maybe because I couldn't help myself... or perhaps the madness is spreading.
Delays due to the previous post of Lambie's sister site with movie discussions.

I am going to start where I finished off last time.

This is because a few weeks ago I had found something funnier than the obvious.
Now, on the outlook, this is a pretty funny sign, I am sure you will agree.
What makes it funnier is that it tells you to call someone... without giving a phone number. You may say that it is an old sign, which is true, and that the number has faded off. I have closely inspected this sign, and it appears as if there never was any number on the sign to begin with. This sign has just recently been taken down after spending apparently 10+ years up at the centre (like most of the other signs). How they ever expected others to call them without giving a phone number is beyond me... but it seems like par for the course here.

And, speaking of golf terminology, they have two golf courses here and are putting another one in. Actually, that's a lie. They have two and 2/18ths of a golf course.
"Huh? How does that work?" I'm glad you asked.
They have two proper golf courses... and part of one that makes up two holes of the "Nullabor Links", where the idea is to play a few holes of golf at several different towns along the way to make up the 18 holes.
This is the picture of the course at the bottom end of Boulder:

And here is a picture of the higher class course at the top end of Kal:

The following is not directly Kal related, but more a stab at the hospital-bureaucracy-gone-mad. In the time I have been in Kal (four and a half months), there have been THREE new WA Health managerial type positions/departments created. That brings the system up to roughly a metric bus load of Managerial positions, of which only three, maybe four, are directly related to health. The rest of it is trying to run the hospitals like a business.
Here's a hint on how to save money, ailing health system: Stop creating new bureaucratic positions so you don't have to spend more on redeveloping people, paying additional managers (and so additional manager salaries) and creating inane announcements about the wonderful new positions you have opened up.
I refer to you to Parkinson's Law and the Coefficient of Inefficiency. Here, the more people employed in a bureaucratic position the less work gets done. Anyone who is vaguely interested should take also a look at this short study in pdf format. Highly amusing.

Speaking of business, I present to you an image of the Kalgoorlie Business Development Centre, as opened in 2003.

Apparently, Kalgoorlie is not going to have many developed businesses any time soon.
Actually, that's the thing here: A lot of businesses, primarily retail shops and cafes, come and go. Since I have been here, there have been at least five stores put up "Store for Sale" signs and/or gone out of business and/or been redeveloped. Speaking to one of the locals, this appears to be the norm. It is apparently not unusual for a business here to last only a few months before having to pack up.

Kalgoorlie is full of history and the main street is interesting.

This is the old clock tower that has been up since the late 1800s, i think. As with many old towns/towers, it has bells that go off on the hour. Unlike most towers I know, however, it will also randomly ring during the hour. Occasionally it is at half hour intervals, which is fair enough, but sometimes it is at quarter hour, or near enough (like 20 past), intervals. No one has given me a reasonable explanation as to why this is the case.

More Fun with Skimpies:
- There was one in the Palace that appeared to have had a boob-job... but one of them was pointing in a noticeably different direction to the other. Either that or she is unfortunate enough to have naturally decent, but directionally uninhibited, breasts.
- Several Skimpies work at several different bars. Stay around long enough, especially if they stay around long enough, and you can get to know them reasonably well. One of the locums here figured out who was more likely to get him a glass of whiskey without much/any soda water (they have the same No shots/bombs rule as Newcastle, so you have to have a mixer).
- In what is probably my crowning achievement in Kal so far, I got yelled at by a skimpy... without intentionally being rude or dirty.
A group of us, two guys and two girls and myself, were yelled at by a skimpy at the Palace... Quite an achievement, considering the dodginess of the regular patrons. See, she came around asking for tips as is customary in such a bar. Being that it was getting towards the end of our night out, we had numerous near-biff situations when attempting to play pool there and we were about to leave, we declined.
“You guys realise that this is a skimpy bar, right? A bar where we don't wear much and get our tops off?”
“Yeah, but we are heading out now.”
“God, why the hell did you come here then???” *storms off*
*table left stunned and asking if that just happened*
To be fair to the Skimpy, this night was particularly dodgy in terms of patronage. Even more seedy than normal and more geared to erupt in to violence, and I would put a fiver on more than one skimpy having been somewhat manhandled without consent earlier that evening. To be fair to us, would you give money to someone who abuses you? Also, most Skimpies do not bother trying to collect tips from people that are obviously not there for the Skimpies or will just smile and leave you alone if they try and you decline politely.
Absolutely Hilarious.

And now for the promised WIN in Kalgoorlie.

We have an Indoor Beach Volleyball centre here. The walls are tight but flexible nets that the ball is allowed to bounce off (as long as it does not touch the roof netting). There are four courts next to each other, so you can watch the other teams play whilst waiting for the restart. It is insanely fun.

The following is an image of one of the newsagencies/corner stores:

The following are the better parts of the sign above the store:
"Small Goods, Big Goods, Good Goods, No Bad Goods"
"Cut Rate Neurosurgery (conditions apply)"
"Open from Horribly Early until Terribly Late"
"Stationary" (not actually sure if that was an error in spelling, as it is supposed to be "Stationery"... I'd like to think that they were trying to be smart even if they weren't... largely because next to "Stationary" there is "Mobiles")
"FREE Insults at proprietor's decision"
"Buried Treasure Maps"
"EXIT Instructions - for deserving cases"

If you are ever here, you MUST visit the Super Pit.
Pictures do not do the grand hole justice.
They have semi-regularly scheduled blasts and times of any scheduled blasts for the day are posted in the Tourist Information centre of Kal. The Super Pit is freakin' huge. As if it was some child's ultimate dream, you can see what are actually really massive trucks look like Tonka toys in a giant dirt pit. You could sit there for hours if you wanted.
I, of course, have done no such thing...
The people I was with at the time forced me to go after half an hour, under threat of leaving me and making me walk home.
And they are going to make it BIGGER and possibly eventually take over Boulder. I have yet to do a proper tour, but I will do so sometime and let you all know how it goes.
For Size comparison...

That's a ute within the arrows.

When it gets shut down eventually, we should totally fill it with water and go SCUBA diving in it and/or turn it in to a giant waterslide. Totally worth transporting all of that water in there. Failing that, make some sort of Grand Kal Rally, where failing to take a corner results in launching yourself to the bottom of the pit.
Other wins, not related to Kal, include How I Met Your Mother, Arrested Development and Chocolate whenever I want it.

Hope you are all having Fun :)

Neglect breeds contempt...

2010-06-09T21:05:00.002+10:00

So this is what happens when you don't post anything and let the poor, long suffering contributors take over the entirity of the content generation (due to the fact that Life is Beautiful and Wonderful and I am actually happy with my everything, but that's not what you Schadenfreude lovin' people come here for, now is it?
So, what happens when you suddenly find joy and a reason to be happy?
Spin offs.
Yes kiddies, in the long tradition of things like Daria (from Beavis and Butthead), the Internet (from ARPRANET), and (I'll get in lots of trouble if I leave this one out) Torchwood (from MISTER POTATOES ADVENTURES WITH THE RENAUT ROBOTS), I am (proud?) to present the first official spin-off to The Escapades of Private Cox & Other Tales, which is... Through the Eyes of an Avalanche!
This is for things too serious for my poor, overloaded with happy brain to understand. Maybe I'll have to come back when the crushing reality of living in the coldest capital city sets in.
For now, ENJOI.
And wait for me to get depressed and write MOAR!

KISSES!

The Return of the Physics-based Comparisions, Replete with Groaning

2010-06-05T23:39:00.000+10:00

Err... Hi.
My name is Travis.
You may vaguely remember me from such posts as "Kalgoorlie: Tales from the West Side OR I Wish to the God that I don't Believe in that I was Making Any of this Up" and "Kalgoorlie: Part the Second OR The Lighter Phails of Kal".
It's been a little while and, although this is not another blog post about Kal (though that is coming too, along with one other), I have decided to add another pile of glittering amusement to this portion of the blag-a-blog.
Tonight, apart from leaving a message on Seb's phone whereby I unintentionally possibly insulted him and did not leave my name, I present to you a direct hack'n'slap from the blog of the creator of "The Quantum Mechanics of Jokes" and "When Galaxies Go Wild".
Here, we have the "Physics theories are chicks" analogy courtesy of Robertson Wesley Burgess the Third (Fourth? I forget what version we are up to... and I hope that I have pronounced that correctly. In pseudo-hindsight, I probably just could have typed "Bob" and saved all of us, not to mention these electrons, the hassle. I mean... now I think I am just typing here for the sake of it).
Some of you will, like myself, just have to nod your head and accept that some of this is probably amusing to those who know more about such things.

Newtonian Physics: Is that chick that... well.... yeah she's kinda hot, but just seems a bit over-rated. I mean.... EVERYONE knows her, everyone makes such a big deal about her, but at the end of the day, is she really THAT good? I say no.

Lagrangian Physics: Is Newtonian Physics's younger sister. Except that unlike Newtonian Physics nobody seems to know about her which is really weird, because only a pretty cursory glance will tell you that she's HOT!! So much hotter than her older sister. She can do all the same things her older sister can, except she's more graceful, more elegant, and easier. You can't help but feel that if only more people knew about her, she'd completely out-shine her older sister.

Special Relativity: is that cool chick that's way fun to hang out with, just don't let things get too serious. She's pretty damn cute, and you two can just kick around talking crap for ages. Everyone seems to know her, and reckon she's pretty cute, but not many seem to know her well. Most people just know her name and that's it. Awesome chick right? Yeah, just don't get too close. Try and get serious with her and she rounds on you, and then it's just a massive pile of headaches until you decide it's better to just stay friends.

General Relativity: Special Relativity's younger sister, but unlike Special, General's a complete bitch! It's a shame, because you know that underneath the nasty veneer she is a VERY FEAKING cool chick. Problem is the second you try to approach her she'll start spouting weird shit at you and you're better off just turning around and talking crap with her sister, even if she's not as cool.

Maxwell's Electromagnetism: Elegance wrapped up in hot. You wish all chicks were this easy to get on with. Everything she does she does with such grace, and you enjoy every minute you spend with her. Only problem is she does lack a bit of depth, and after spending a bit of time with her you find yourself thinking that despite her grace she just lacks a certain something. It's about this time you wish you were talking to Quantum Physics or one of the Relativity sisters instead. But damn, what she can do.... HOT!

Quantum Physics: She's the chick who sits in the corner, and everyone's a bit intimidated by her, even most of the guys who hang out with General Relativity. Yeah, you know she's cool, but you really can't quite decide whether she's hot or ugly. Most people decide ugly and go chat with some other chick instead. Thing is the more you talk to her, the more you come around to her way of thinking. Sure she's really different to the others, and that makes her hard to get to know. It also means that most of the other girls don't like her at all. But take it from a guy who's been getting to know her for several years now; she never stops being a bit bitchy at times, but she is VERY cool, and after a while you start to realise her unconventional appearance contains a certain elegance and beauty.

And there you have it.
I could have, of course, linked to that very post, but what would be the fun in that?

New Kal post up within the week because, if I say it here, it is on the internet and so must be true.
Hope you're having Fun :)

Eurovision Roundup 2010 - Where Have I Seen This Before?

2010-05-31T18:23:00.002+10:00

Last year, I made the lead up of who was in and who was out seem rather easy to understand (Georgia chucked a hissy fit and withdrew, The End). This year, I realised it's much more complicated than that. In none other than our own TV guide, we were told that Andorra, the Czech Republic, Hungary, and Montenagro were all out this year, and Georgia was back in. Italy are out, but have been since the late 1990's. (No doubt there are some other ins and outs that I've not bothered to look up or attempt to understand from the unnecessarily complicated Wiki article.)

Now, like I mentioned in my preview post, I acted upon the opportunity to see some of the entries for this year. I had the chance to see more, but I figured that would be spoiling and decided to wait. You need just enough to give you an idea without experiencing the full ungodly horror before you're mentally prepared.

Once again, since Wogan is no longer on commentating duties, we were treated to the equally dry Sam Pang and Julia Zemiro. By the end of the three night event, I was starting to think that Wogan may have met his match.

Disclaimer: I'm not going to cover every single act, but rather just the ones worth talking about.

Semi Final 1 - Night of the Unnecessary Violins

The first thing we were told (by Sam & Julia) is that this year's competition is aimed at one family in the United Kingdom. What? What about the millions of other viewers? We were all treated to some stock standard footage of ~~bad CGI~~ glowing orbs flying around places, which I guess is meant to represent - hang on. Doesn't SBS use a whole lot of little circles as their new image? The motto for this year's competition seemed to be "Share The Moment." I thought that was the slogan for Coca Cola or Mars Bars or something, but I couldn't find any evidence to back that up.

And then we were treated to Oslo's attempt to shake things up a bit:we didn't have a host and hostess. Oh no. We had a host and two hostesses. All I could think about was how that affected the drinking game. What do you do if they both change there outfits? Answer: Nothing, because they didn't. Then we had their second attempt to shake things up, with the new rule that you could vote throughout the entire broadcast, and not just during a tedious 15 minute segment at the end of it all. (You could still vote for as many countries as you liked.) These two shake-ups, hosts and all, were carried over to the final.

17 countries competed in Semi Final One. Ten lucky countires got to go through to the final. Millions of unlucky viewers had to dal with Moldova's entry first up. Millions of unlucky viewers would have to deal with it again, because it managed to progress to the final. Although, why would you need to watch anymore Eurovision after seeing punk rockers with a violin and a saxophone?

There are many acts in Eurovision that have what they would think are "arty" costumes. One of these acts is no doubt also going to feature some panpipes somewhere while a woman dressed up a a tree does some ballet. There is also one act that has someone stand at the side of the stage, dressed completely different from everyone else and looking totally out of place compared to the rest of the act. This year it was Slovakia. On the plus side, they were dressed up as elves and the lead songstress looked kinda cute.

Finalnd, the country that a few years ago gave us Lordi, this year gave us the reincarnation of Abba fronted by Joy from My name Is Earl. They actually got advice from Lordi, but apart from "Be Yourselves" or something it seemed pretty useless advice. They should have said "dress outrageously and perform hard rock".

Julia warned us that Latvia's entry was grammatically all over the shop. Thanks Julia but you should have warned us that it was boring. And sung by Britney Spears.

Poland gave us what was apparently an Adam and Eve style story. In the right light backstage, the lead singer looked a bit like Paul McDermott. In the wrong light onstage they looked like Ronan Keating (or so I was told). The Polish Lily Allen ate the forbidden fruit, so now I know why that woman is so full of sin. They also all sang this in semi-traditional dress, and for one woman (after a certain point in the song) semi-traditional undress.

While we were taking a break from the onslaught, Sam and Julia demonstrated the impact we can have by voting for our favourite song on the website: none at all. By a strange coincidence, "none at all" is exactly how much suspiciont the Liza Minelli look-a-like from Malta had that she would not be progressing on to the finals. She did have giant angel wings and a smoke machine, but neither helped.

After the rest of the acts had been presented, we were treated to the tedious 15 minutes of voting time that I know you were all waiting for. During this time we had a recap of all the acts (i.e. padding), a sketch that might actually have been funny had it not gone one scene too far with its joke (i.e. padding), another recap (i.e. padding), and then some padding by the hosts (i.e. padding).

As the votes were tallied, we were treated to some more padding! This time in the form of the interval entyertainment about the human voice. It featured yodelling, coughing, beat boxing (including some on a catwalk - best fashion show ever!), singing, chanting....... and tapdancing. (I'm pretty sure that last one isn't generated by the human voice.)

Finally we had some more padding in the form of a preview of the five finalists, followed by the most tediously drawn out reveal of the ten finalists. For those of you paying attention, the acts all finished at 9 p.m. local time, and SBS's broadcast finished at 9:45 p.m., so you knew you were in for some serious padding.

Semi Final 2 - Tainted ~~Love~~ Hard Disk Space

Before we get underway, I can hear you all crying fowl about me reviewing this semi final because I was out celebrating two birthdays on this night. But I, being the resourceful man that I am, recorded the event onto my laptop (and then promptly deleted it once I was done with it).

Lithuania was up first in what was dubbed "the semi final of death" (due to so many strong acts being in it), with Eastern European Funk. No, that wasn't the genre, that was the name of the song. The genre was "Bad Imitation of the Cat Empire". Complete with a costume reveal of.... short silver shorts. Avert your eyes!

Denmark made it through to the final with a disco song that failed to be anything like a disco song, but it did feature what could have been the first reverb of the competition. When Julia Zemiro introduced this song, she used the French name, and all that proved is that Julia Zemiro sounds very sexy speaking in French. Sam Pang described it this way: "Sometimes three minutes.... takes longer than others."

A blonde Miley Cyrus failed to get Sweden over the line, despite the huge guitar.... or was she just really small? Or was it some form of strange illusion, because at some point she stopped playing and the guitar disappeared from the stage.

And after a couple more acts, we were treated to the Netherlands. The general design and sound of the song and staging were rather reminiscent of the sort of thing that would be put in a children's TV show. With good reason. The man who wrote it was Pierre Kartner, the man who wrote the theme song for The Smurfs! Very rarely can something to do with Eurovision be described as "awesome".

Bulgaria gave us a horrible combination of angel wings, 80's hair, Kyle Sandilands, and people covered in silver paint that made them look like they'd been covered in oil.

In between the two standard recaps, we were treated to a tribute to songs that finished in the bottom three, because apparently Norway holds the record for the most last place finishes in Eurovision. Remember that horrible U.K. entry that scored 0 points a while back? It was there and just as horrible as you remember it to be. I was shocked, because for a second night running, Eurovision was actually trying to be funny and succeeding.

Those Human Voice people returned for a second outing of entertainment, this time voicing all the sound effects in a clip of a kid moving through the city (except for a few things like a jet engine).. It was clever, funny, and at times a little bit creepy. Then the people in the Red Gloves manipulate him into travelling to Oslo and dancing onstage while they continued to make rap music noises. "That's how we like to welcome people to Norway." Yikes.

We finally got to the tedious, drawn out virtual envelope opening which was just as tedious and drawn out as it was last time. And after all was said and done after the credits had finished rolling, we had a shot and a musical stung that when added together could only be described as.... foreboding.

The Final - Everything That Would Have Won 25 Years Ago

The Final of the Eurovision Song Contest contained two things that have been lacking from the competition in recent years. Firstly, it contained (and I can't believe I'm about to say this) songs that were actually good. I know, I know, contestants are supposed to keep entering outlandish ABBA wannabes, but that doesn't win votes anymore.

Secondly, as one of the two hostesses stood onstage telling us how many people were watching, she happened to mention that this included people "as far away as Australia". That's right, we all got a collective shout out!

The Final didn't open with any of that, though. Instead, the competition's credibility was sadly upheld further by a classy opening act that took us on a journey through the history of Eurovision, including a pan through the inside of an old 1960's TV set and a quick rush past Big Ben (including Doppler effect).

It didn't take long to get down to business, starting with Azerbaijain, whose main singer was choreographed by the same guy who does Beyonce's choreography. And boy, did it show. It might as well have been Beyonce inside of that woman. She didn't look like Beyonce though. She looked a little bit like Summer Glau. Did I say a little? Because I meant a lot. She's only 17, though. Summer Glau is not....

And with only one act down and a second underway, the controversy kicked in. During Spain's performance, some idiot decided to jump onstage and join in the dancing. While he admittedly did pretty well, it was noticeable enough to be distracting. The organisers decided to give Spain another chance to perform again after all the other acts had done their bit.

Norway's entry was something that I would have thought was typically entered by the U.K. The U.K.'s entry, which came on later on in the night, was something I would have thought was typically something sung over the credits of a Disney film. The U.K., unsurprisingly finished with a grand total of 10 points and last place. The BBC's analysis? They succumbed to old Eurovision clichés that don't work anymore.

Belgium gave us a one-man acoustic guitar song about, well, a man and his guitar. The guy looked a bit like a young Captain Jack Harkness, but the song was actually a pretty decent one and nice to listen to.

When I first saw Serbia's entry during Semi Final One, I was stunned. Not because it was bad, because it wasn't. Not because it was good, because it wasn't. Some songs define a genre. Some songs perhaps defy a genre. This song defied every single genre. It had what can only be described as giant test tubes split in half down one side, 70's fashion, and strange hair, all set some some weird musical genre no one's ever heard from before. The best way I could describe it is indie-disco, but I know that can't be right.

Due to the financial crisis, Greece had to recycle Zorba the Greek, dig up some old tribal dancing, and steal costumes from the upcoming Prince of Persia film to go with it. Turkey traditionally give us belly dancing somewhere in their Eurovision entry. Start celebrating everyone, because for once they didn't! Instead, they gave us emo punk rock. And a female robot version of The Stig who axle grinded her own hand, who then unmasked herself and became a punk bellydancer. Oh.

Albania demonstrated why thou shalt not have gospel singers in a Kylie Minogue / Madonna style disco number. Iceland gave us Disco. Pure, Eurvision, pop diva disco. And an excuse to make Volcano jokes.

Russia continued the time old Eurovision tradition of using completely unnecessary props. Somehow I don't think that you need to hold an actual photograph on stage while your singing about one. To be fair, neither did they, because it wasn't actually a photograph but a pencil sketch or something.

Germany gave us a catchy little pop song not unlike something a slightly more mainstream Missy Higgins would sing. Did I mention it was very catchy? I still can't get the damn thing out of my head.

After the rest of the acts and a neat little sketch from what Sam Pang called the "Norwegian Josh Thomas", we were treated to the obligatory double recap during the 15 minutes of extra voting time. And then in the tradition of interval acts that were actually good and fun to watch this year, we were treated to a dance number performed by hundreds of people in the streets of cities around Europe. The idea was that it was easy to learn so you could join in and dance at home. To prove it, we were also treated to shots of people at home across Europe dancing. Or, in the case of the Ukraine, DANCING. (Okay, I'm not sure if it was that particular in/famous Ukraine act or whether it was just someone who dressed up that way, but they were there.)

And then the votes started to get tallied. If you're like me, this is where you stop watching to avoid the tedious part of the broadcast and look up the winner on the internet. Or, as was the case this year, have the result spoiled earlier in the day by looking at the BBC News RRS feed and forgetting that they would have the result emblazoned in their headlines.

The Final Wrap Up - Is Eurovision Credible Now?

The BBC radio program More or Less (it's mainly about statistics - I highly recommend their podcast, actually) had Azerbaijan, Russia, and Serbia in first, second, and third respectively. Sadly, they didn't do too well with that prediction (although Azerbaijan did come fifth).

The honour of winning the contest went to Germany, with that song that's terribly catchy and pretty conventional by Eurovision standards. The good folks at TV Tonight have posted a video of the winning act as well as the final results, for those of you interested in the voting aftermath.

Did it deserve to win? Yes: I challenge you to watch the song and not get it stuck in your head.

Eurovision 2010: A Quick Preview

2010-05-18T18:34:00.003+10:00

I've been lucky enough to stumble upon the music videos for some of this year's entries. I think I can sum up what to expect in one sentence: If you're playing the Eurovision Song Contest Drinking Game, you're going get smashed (and possibly even die of alcohol poisoning).

As usual, I'll have a full wrap up online a few days after the event airs. Keep an eye out for it.

Community Service

2010-05-03T22:45:00.003+10:00

Yes, kids and kiddies, after several months of approximately zero content generated by the namesake, it is time to break a proverbial drought. With that most illustrious of filler: A photo and a competition where there is a form of actual glory! HOT DOG!
Here are images. STUDY THEM AND COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

Right, looked good and hard? Well, here's the thing: We need YOU* to come up with a suitable phrase or idea for a magnet to join the "MANHOS" fridge of terror. The best ideas will join such fine laments as "20 RITALINS" and "SUPERBREAKFAST".

THINK NOW. THINK HARD. Then get drunk and submit any old thing and win.

*Being someone who we don't have to pay

Lambie Reviews: Films He Watched in April 2010

2010-05-01T10:03:00.002+10:00

Every so often I'll grab the weekly TV guide, go through it, and make a note of all the movies I should watch. Then I usually record them and watch them later because all the films worth watching are buried at 11 p.m. or broadcast at an otherwise inconvenient time. For those of you who are curious, here is (most of) my criteria for what I need to take a look at (and also a handy guide to what I've seen and not seen).

But I figured that viewing these films is only part of the fun. The other part comes from being able to discuss what you've seen, whether it was any good, and whether it deserved to win the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. So I decided that since I recorded a hell of a lot of films over one week, and since Seb's lot of reviews seemed to go down well, why not give you more of a good thing by reviewing all the films you missed watching the week before Easter?

Murder on the Orient Express (1974)

Sidney Lumet directs a bunch of Hollywood stars on a train and someone happens to be murdered while Hercule Poirot is on board. Since everyone on the train seems to know who Poirot is, this is probably the stupidest thing a murderer can do.

Lumet loves his long takes, and the Academy loved Ingrid Bergman's 5 minute performance as a Swedish missionary enough to give her an Oscar for Best Actress in a Supporting Role. Okay, so she's in the film for more than 5 minutes, but her 5 minutes with Poirot are really the only major scene she has. To be fair to the Academy, she is pretty good in it.

The film is worth seeing for the cleverly chilling opening sequence (the 1930 sequence, not the opening titles) and, obviously, to try and work out who did it. Although, for some reason I already knew who did it and how. I must have caught the end of it a while back. It didn't spoil the film, though.

Not Quite Hollywood (2008)

Won the AFI award for Best Documentary, and rightfully so. Good documentaries don't take one side, but explore all sides. This doco on Australian genre films in the 70's and 80's (known as Ozploitation films) does just that. Some people liked the sex and violence, while others thought it was gratuitous and resulted in some bad films.

We get to hear the opinions of a wide range of people and the film flourishes on the simple fact that someone's opinion may vary from one film to the next. Except for Quentin Tarintino, who seems to love every move he talked about to bits more than anyone actually involved in the films.

(Bonus Pop Quiz: Tarintino even says he sort of paid homage to an Australian horror film in Kill Bill. Do you know which film it is and how it's referenced?)

Pandora and the Flying Dutchman (1951)

An interesting exploration of the legend of the Flying Dutchman nearly ruined by poorly shot night scenes (they might as well be pitch black) and some slow pacing here and there (stop singing and get on with it). The interplay between the old archaeologist and the doomed captain is perhaps more interesting than the relationship between the doomed captain and Pandora.

Maria Full of Grace (2004)

City of God is the most powerful foreign language film I have ever seen (and puts most Hollywood films to shame). Maria Full of Grace not only carries the same tone, but also captures the same emotional power I remember feeling after viewing City of God. It's not quite as good as City of God, but it comes close.

That should be all you need to know about this film.

Paradise Now (2005)

A film about two would-be suicide bombers that probably doesn't know what it's main message is until it's too late. The last sequence could have carried much more impact had the characterisation not been a confusing mess.

Casino (1995)

Pure Martin Scorsese. Long tracking shots, voice overs, natural sounding dialogue, soundtrack that appropriates existing songs, interesting plot subject, and rich characterisation. The only problem I have with the film is a problem I have with a lot of films that are "based on true events".

A film doesn't necessarily need to have a three act structure, but it does need to have a plot that at least feels like it's progressing and going somewhere. You could argue that real life events are one long continuing plot, but the problem is that they're also made up of smaller plots and stories. Many films based on these real events therefore have to portray these little events in order to portray the bigger picture. The problem is that it's not always clear to me how or what these events are doing to progress the film and the overall emotional arc. Casino falls into that trap for me, but that doesn't necessarily make it a bad film.

Cactus Flower (1969)

I missed the opening credits to this film, and for a few minutes thought I'd missed the whole point of the film as a result. Turns out I didn't, and it has it's moments. The title refers to the flowers that occasionally appear on cactuses, but what that's got to do with the actual plot doesn't become apparent until the plot is mostly resolved. It also stars Ingrid Bergman (for more than 5 minutes this time).

Empire of the Sun (1987)

A Steven Spielberg epic based on a semi-autobiographical book about an English boy (played by a very young Christian Bale) living in the part of China occupied by the British. When WWII breaks out, he's separated from his parents and spends most of his time in the POW camps holding civilians. In particular, he spends a lot of time in a camp next to a Japanese controlled airfield, which fuels his love for aircraft.

At it's heart it seems pretty simple, doesn't it? A lost boy trying to do anything to get back to his parents. Yet somehow Spielberg, with his usual team (producer Kathleen Kennedy, composer John Williams, and second unit director Frank Marshall are a few names that spring out), manages to create something quite moving that transcends its flaws.

And according to the IMDb, Ben Stiller's in it. Somewhere.

Dark City - Director's Cut (1998 / 2008)

Okay, so this film's not one that aired on TV during the week before Easter and I've seen it many times before. Those of you who have heard me rant on about this film probably know that I consider it a cult classic that everyone should watch. But that doesn't mean I can't review it here. After all, I did watch it in April. (If you're playing along at home, do not watch the theatrical cut. If you do, mute the soundtrack until the opening credits.)

A man wakes up in a bathtub with no memory of who he is. Evidence points to him being a serial killer, but nothing in this world adds up. Strange people dressed in black are looking for him and are as determined to find him as the police. A beach everyone knows about but no one knows how to get to. Time doesn't seem to work properly. The sun seems to have disappeared.

Sure, it's not a perfect film (director Alex Proyas even says so). The final showdown is a bit cheesy, for example, as is the final conversation between our two main characters. But it's one of those films that rewards a second viewing and some thought or discussion on its central themes.

Kalgoorlie: Part The Second... or The Lighter Phails of Kal

2010-04-23T21:54:00.001+10:00

It's been one of those highly amusing times whereby the earth moves for you. This week, it was literally as an earthquake that registered 5 on the Richter scale slapped Kal-Boulder silly. It has practically shut down the main street of Boulder and is still giving us after shocks that would be in the range of about 2 on the Richter scale. Fun times.
Oh, and I got old. Thanks all, much appreciated :)

Back to the sub-regularly scheduled amusement...

Many of the stories related to you in my next few posts been told to most of you via my visit a short while back and/or over the phone and/or the internet.
Stories can only tell so much. Pictures are arguably better. So here I attempt to bring you less text and more context. Less conversation and more action. Something like that.
It's possible that I have failed, but... whatever. You get pictures, and that's all that counts.

Kalgoorlie is not actually classified as Desert but as some type of Woodland. Indeed it is much greener than many, including myself, think it to be. Sure, the dust is mostly red... but looking down upon the place from the air and you can see that the place is actually kinda green.
That said, we get vast amounts of sunny days. I can count on one hand the number of cloudy/rainy days that we have had since I got here in late January. Including every time that I have more than two days off for a weekend. Perhaps I have become a rain god or something.
Anyhew, the lack of cloud/rain is what makes this such a funny picture:

For those that can not see correctly, this is a tanning salon. In the middle of the near-desert. Yeah.

Given the sunny disposition of this area of land, you would think that Solar Panels and Hot Water would be a big thing here.
Guess again.
The following images are the only places that I have seen so far with Solar Hot Water:

That second image is of a pub/restaurant.
Of course, I could be wrong as I pass a solar centre on the way to the hockey centre... but very few places around here appear to utilise it.
This is possibly because your house naturally gives you warm water in the summer and it is bloody freezing in winter. How do I know this second one? Well... I am judging by the temperature now: COLD.
Also, they apparently get frosts once or twice a year.

The following is the major text part of the blog.
Skimpies
Depending on where you stand, the following could be a highlight or another lowlight of Kal. To me, it is neither but just something somewhat unique to mining towns and the US of A in the form of Hooters.
So... I get invited to go out pubbing with the locum radiographers on the first day there. We start of at a place called “The Exchange”. Unbeknownst to me at the time, it is a skimpy bar. Highly amusing as I walk in and, behind the counter, are maids wearing a whole lot of not a lot. Stockings, bikinis and lace corsets are part of the serving staff dress code here. Not a bad way to start off your Kal Pubbing Career, really. The Exchange actually is pretty good for a skimpy bar. It feels kinda like a saloon Old West style and also has a wide array of TVs, usually set to various sports or music. Still a bit seedy, similar to what the Lucky was or most Maitland pubs, if Seb's earlier post on such things is to be believed, so... whatever.
Later on, we went across the road to a place called “The Palace”. This place is actually several venues in one. One portion is a fairly swanky (for Kal) hotel/restaurant. One portion is a regular pub style arrangement and usually has some form of karaoke. However, we went to the third one. This is called the “Gold Bar” (here on referred to as “The Palace”, as it is where most of the activity at the Palace is anyway). Here, the air conditioning is turned on so the temperature is probably sub-20 degrees and we have skimpy girls wearing even more racy outfits (i.e. wearing less and/or clothes from one of the numerous sex shops).
And Fripples, because tits a bit nipply at that temperature.
And later on some evenings, particularly after they have gone for a round of collecting tips off the largely male patrons, they go topless. Not bad for the second pub you get taken to.
It must be noted that I was with one male and two female radiographers and it was the ladies' idea that we head to the Palace at that point in time (and, no, they aren't lesbians). I maintain innocence in all of this. These also happen to be the most central and nearest pubs to the majority of people I know and, the Exchange at least, one of the more frequented pubs by the crew. Completely innocent.
There are more pubs, of course, and some of them are ok. De Bernales, for example, is somewhat similar to Finnegans in that there is a centralised bar/restaurant and will turn in to a club on certain nights. Seems to cater for the younger crowd whilst still remaining a decent pub during non-dance nights. Judds does pretty good wood fired pizzas, though the carpeted portions of the floor often feel like you are walking on honey. I really hope that sticky stuff is from beer. It's a pretty safe bet for a reasonable night out though, and is where I spent most of my Australia Day, though they really have to improve their staff ability... they tend to take their sweet-ass time and make mistakes like “I asked for a 4X, not Teds” or “No, I did not order a beer. I said lemonade. And I gave you a tenner, not a fiver”. Less likely to be belted too, but is one of the more distant pub walks from where I am.
They apparently have a “boob-breakfast”, otherwise known as a “tits-and-toast” place back home, at one of the pubs, though I've not been that far down that particular street to confirm or deny this.
I will give you a tour of some Kal Pubs in the future.

Beer.
Toohey's Extra Dry is known as “Ted's” here. Say “Extra Dry” and you are likely to get the “Are you stupid?” look from the person serving you. “Toohey's Extra Dry” will get you a moment of confusion followed by the look of “Ah, I know what you mean... why don't you call it Ted's like everyone else?” look. Good thing that I am not a major fan of this Ted guy, even if most people here seem to be.
You can not order a Schooner here. Again, the “Pants-on-Head Retarded?” look appears on the bar tender's face... unless they are from the Eastern states, in which case they just smile knowingly and say “They don't have schooners here.” You can get middies and pints. Also jugs. You can get a jug that serves eight or so middies for $10-15, depending on where you go, what night it is and what you are having. It costs roughly $5 for a middy of most things alcoholic, and bottles are $7+.
They do not have Toohey's Old on tap, but they do have Guinness at a couple of pubs. I'm still not sold on it as a substitute. Even Paddy's day hass not convinced me... though drinking Pints of Guinness on that day was amusing. I have taken to drinking XXXX if going for beer and only going with Teds if it is in jug form and the entire table is also drinking it. I have tried Swan Draught, a Perth based beer. It starts off fairly average but the after taste is like your mouth after having several Extra Drys in a few minutes: BAD.

It may amuse you that they have a bit of a travelling karaoke thing here. There are a few different karaoke groups/presenters/things and they go to different pubs every second or third night. It's a bit of a thing here, with both young, miners and old alike participating. What else is there to do, right? Oh... skimpies. Right.
However... What kind of Karaoke has Baha Men's “Who let the Dogs Out” and Scooter's techno remake of “The Logical Song”, but has no Franz Ferdinand or The Killers... y'know, songs with actual lyrics that can be sung? (that's a lie: one of them has Franz Ferdinand's “No You Girls”... hardly the most likely Franz candidate for Karaoke, but something that I may be game to have a go at next time I am out... after appropriate alcoholic consumption, of course)
For amusement purposes, they each had two and a half pages of Elvis, one and a half pages of Tina Turner and a page of Frank Sinatra and Neil Diamond. About a third of each are, for some reason, duplicates and triplicates of songs. One song had five or six versions by the same artist. And, of course, they have no indication, other than serial number, as to what is different between them. Why do Karaoke people keep doing that? Among other things, there was also half a page of Black Eyed Peas, “Who the Fuck is Alice?” and South Park's “Chocolate Salty Balls”. The variety is outstanding, lacking only in some of the more obvious/basic choices.
And, of course, as with all karaoke there are the freaks. There are people who start off looking average and become hot as you hear their voice because they are genuinely good... and, for each one of them, there are at least five that start hot and you wish incinerated along with their voice. Or at least get rid of the sound of cats screwing whilst they mime the song. And drunk people. And the creepy old guy.

Kalgoorlie-Boulder has a population of roughly 30-35 thousand and most main roads are dual lane & wide open and most non-dual lane roads are wide enough to fit two or three cars in both directions if you want to attempt Sydney traffic. For some unknown reason, it also has such streets and intersections that are one way/turn left only... as well as several traffic intersections where they have Four Way Pedestrian crossings.... y'know the ones like Sydney where hundreds of people cross whilst all directions of road traffic are blocked., except that here in Kal you would be lucky to see more than five people cross overall let alone anyone diagonally crossing the street. And I think I get stared at when I diagonally cross the street. More often than not there is one person who presses the button, crosses when there is no traffic and then holds up all directions of traffic ten seconds later whilst all cars wait for the now non-existent pedestrian to cross the intersection.
They also have no concept of the “Left Turn on Red after Stopping” sign that is common, not to mention a great time saver, back home.
However, they do have a great number of U-turn bays, cut out near the ends of every intersection where ever there is a solid path construction in the middle of the road separating the directions of traffic. Including near roundabouts.
And, with that, I now show you some of the more amusing road signs in Kal.

What makes this funny? That is a Roundabout sign in Yellow up the top (missing the left hand turn, but... whatever). For those who still don't get it, look at the "No U-Turn" sign beneath it... near a roundabout. Yeah...

This guy is a standard phail as you can see it in most cities around the world... but I am bringing it to your attention now so as you know what to look out for next time you are out.

Here, we have the disabled figure... only this guy appears not to be on the wheelchair but rather has it stuck up his arse. Either that, or we could add a little bit to the image... and turn it in to a bulldozer wailing upon people like this:

That's right. Phear my l33t paintbrush skillz.
...
I think I just made myself sick a little on the inside.
So, moving on...
This is, again, a common sign on traffic lights in many cities, so I will bring your attention to what you are actually seeing here:

If you stand still here for too long, you may ingest toxic, poisonous and radioactive material so you may start to glow.
Or, at least that is what I see... especially after reading a somewhat biased report into the apparently "secret" transportation of Uranium through Kalgoorlie and how the school children were doomed because a truck stopped (or may stop) in front of a school for a few seconds. Of course then the head of Uranium mining piped up a day or two later and said that there was no link between Radiation from Uranium and leukaemia because the original article never cited any research articles, so it pays to take a middle-stance in these arguments (i.e. the stance of logic)... or no stance/"stand the hell away from here" (i.e. the stance of sanity).

This is an amusing sign for several reasons. Number One: Signs that state the bleedingly obvious are inherently funny. Number Two: Of the eight possible directions for a pedestrian to enter this set of crossroads, this sign is only displayed on two. And both in the same direction. Let's hear it for public safety!

Walking to the hospital a few weeks back, I regretted not taking my iPod Nano with me for it has camera capabilities. Why would I want that whilst walking to the Hospital? Apart from audio/radio goodness, I saw a sign for a recruitment and training agency, looking for “Process Technitions”. Evidently, there is no spell check on Blackboards (it's supposed to be spelt “technicians”, for those who are hard-of-spelling). Nice work, recruitment agency!
Then I saw the Mystery Mobile.
Remember Scooby Doo (or at least the good ol' cartoon days of Scooby Doo)? Yeah... that was parked nearby. Because of the Monster Truck show that came up that weekend, it was there as promotion along with a few monster trucks. What made this Mystery Mobile special? Well, apart from it being the freakin' Mystery Mobile and so therefore worthy of your attention, this Mystery Mobile had metallic paint and had something that resembled a jet or rocket engine inserted in to the back end. The slogan “the fastest jet-powered van in the world” was painted on one of the windows (or was it "rocket -powered"? I can't remember...).
Not a bad day to miss having a camera, was it?

So... that's a bit more text than what I originally intended.
As such, one final image to leave you with tonight... an image take from the advertising boards at the hockey centre.
An Image that needs no explanation:

Conspiracies, According to YouTube

2010-04-04T19:58:00.001+10:00

YouTube is not just full of crazy people putting up videos trying to pass off stupidity as paranormal events. Oh no. There's a special breed of YouTube user that runs parallel to the paranormal fans: the crazy conspiracy theorist. I'm not talking about the usual stuff that you may come across, such as the stock standard September 11 conspiracies, extremist climate change sceptics, or laughable moon landing hoax claims.

We're talking the stuff that occasionally overlaps with the paranormal fans. We're talking real crackpot conspiracy stuff here.

Their videos come in many guises. We'll be exploring just a couple of the many facets common to this YouTube genre, specifically mundane videos and abused science.

Videos Taken Out of Context

We'll start with this security video footage claiming to be Men in Black. Well, they are men. And they are in black. And they do seem sinister. But that's about as far as I could get with that before realising that they're probably just well dressed criminals. Actually, that's a lie. I realised that after about 10 seconds.

Another example is also the sort of video that has an explanation which takes longer to read than its actual runtime, such as this video. It runs for about a minute and 45 seconds. And features nothing but footage of helicopters accompanied by text that takes about 5 years to read (I will admit I never read it). Yes, apparently this is groundbreaking proof that there's something sinister going on. So groundbreaking that this video also covers the genre of videos that are TITLED ENTIRELY IN CAPS.

The problem with videos out of context is that you have to stumble upon them, rather than hunt them down. They don't seem to be anything out of the ordinary and so are easily missed. However, there are conspiracies out there that are much easier to find.

Videos That Misinterpret Science

To be fair, like the Out Of Context Conspiracy, some of the Misinterpreted Science Conspiracy videos are also fairly easy to miss since they too don't appear to be anything out of the ordinary. Others, however, stand out like a sore thumb. Such as this video claiming that the "Earth is in fact growing". What?

Don't worry, it's all explained in a style of fuzzy logic that almost makes sense. Until you reach the comment about the duck-billed platypus, that is. Then you know that you're in for a real treat. This video demonstrates the hallmarks of a classic conspiracy video: huge leaps of logic that defy all strands of reasonable thought, supported by CGI worthy of an 80's classroom science video.

This video goes one step further, and can really only be described as the conspiracy theory version of Zero Puntuation. It hammers you with real science so hard and so fast that you are so stunned by the bizarre claims that you don't notice the inconsistencies in the scientific explanations. (Hint: I suspect a liquid moving at relativistic speeds will still increase in mass regardless of whether it experiences friction or not, so it's going to be pretty damn hard to find enough energy to get it there.)

If you do notice those weird, selectively ignored facts, then you're still stunned that you stop paying attention for a couple of minutes trying to figure out what the hell they were on about. This is partly because in these sorts of videos you should not mention what the conspiracy actually is until the very end of the 10 minutes, and even then you should encourage your viewers to play around with oh so safe mercury before you do. And make the conspiracy just as stunningly bizarre as the actual video for good measure.

Misunderstanding the effects of black holes and gravity seem to be a key element in these sorts of "scientific" videos. Throw in a few Mayan calendar and Planet X (aka "Nibiru") references, and you've got some very bizarre claims being made indeed. With a YouTube title like that, you know what you're in for before you even start the video playing.

Videos That Completely Ignore Science

Perhaps one of the most well known examples of this category would ironically also be a conspiracy that never really managed to completely get off the ground: free energy. This particular video has it all. Men in Black. The CIA. The Pentagon. Mysterious deaths. Nikolai Tesla.

Water powered fuel cells that, according to a basic knowledge of science (and Wikipedia), would violate the fundamental laws of physics. Results described as "too good". Perpetual motion machines powered by rotating magnets. The list goes on and on. In fact, there are so many ludicrous claims made in that video that you could spend hours looking up and exploring a whole wealth of further claims and information.

The Way It Should Be Done

Clearly, when it comes to creating a conspiracy video on YouTube there is only one possibility. Go for the satire option instead.

The Result of Bob's Boredom: Another Contribution to This Blog

2010-03-30T16:45:00.000+11:00

Hello people!

“Oh dear god!” I hear you all saying, “Bob’s on the blog, RUN!!” And I’m sure many of you are wondering why the dickens I have decided to contribute to the blog, albeit through my proxy Lambie. Well, there’s a few reasons, but I guess the major reason would be a severe level of boredom brought on by my calculations taking a week to run (and I’m not exaggerating in the slightest) coupled with my determination to shut down Facebook, MSN, and all such similar demons of distraction. Yes that’s right people; I am no longer on any online chat or social networking program or website.

So hence I thought I’d run a quick rant up about something that’s actually been getting me alternatively excited and extremely bored; computer games in the last few years.

Now in some ways I think that computer gaming has been reaching beautiful highs. Games have been getting fun again. They’ve gotten silly again, and small independent programmers have been coming out of the woodwork with simple, fun games that really show the big guys that there are other ways of running things. I for one was getting rather bored with the hoe-hum that some computer game developers were putting out, and was starting to feel that we’d reached a plateau in the gaming world and we’d be sitting there for a while. I was wrong, with one exception that I’ll come back to.

The big difference to me is that gaming has become so much more about the actual GAMEPLAY rather than producing the same game over and over again with prettier graphics and a shitty gimmick. And in my view, we have one game that we should be recognising as the milestone that started this trend. Half Life 2.

Now I hear you all saying “But Bob, HL:2 was a visual feast that blew everything before it completely out of the water, how can you argue that it started the trend AWAY from recycling the same ideas but with prettier graphics.” Now obviously HL:2 was beautiful to behold, and yes in terms of gameplay it did follow the same formula of linear first-person gameplay, however lets look at what has happened since this milestone.

Here’s a screenshot from Half Life 2 [Editor's Note - Clicking on image will not make image close]:

Now for contrast, below is a picture from Battlefield: Bad Company 2, which I have simply chosen as being one of the most recent first-person shooters available.

Now I will happily admit that Battlefield does look spiffier. However let’s look at the years that these games were put out. Half Life 2 was released in later 2004, whereas Battlefield was released in early 2010. So there is over 5 years of computer game development that had to go into that improvement in graphics. To give us an idea of what 5 years of graphics development can do, lets have a look at Unreal Tournament, a game that was released in late 1999, almost exactly 5 years before Half Life 2:

And five years before that, the veneratble Doom 2 was released, looking a lot like this:

Now do you guys start to see what I’m getting at? Half Life 2 is a 5 year-old gaming veteran and yet when I picked it up recently I wasn’t blown away by how crap it looked. In fact far from it, I was amazed at how pretty it still looked.
To me the revelation must be something similar to me looking at… say… Brigite Bardot and thinking to myself “Yep, I’d still do her”. This is not to say that she hasn’t aged well, and it certainly is not to say that in her day she wasn’t a fox, but sorry girls, people don’t stack up to younger models when they’re in their 70s, and computer games don’t stack up to younger games when they are 5 years old.

Well, at least they didn’t use to. But it seems that they do now. And this is a good thing…. It means that in order to make a game sell, and to make people buy your game rather than sticking with their 5 year-old gaming veteran, you need to actually do something different with gameplay!

Oh and haven’t they! To just look at the first person genre, just take a look at Portal. Visually it was almost identical to Half Life 2, but gameplay wise it was all about the “OH MY GOD THIS GAME IS HURTING MY BRAIN BUT IN A GOOD WAY! AAAARRRGGGHHHH I NOW WALK AROUND REAL LIFE THINKING WITH PORTALS!” which is usually followed by “THE CAKE IS A LIE!” or maybe “I LOVE MY COMPANION CUBE!”

Or moving into the multiplayer genre we can look at the Call of Duty franchise. No longer is sticking a bunch of people in an arena and letting them blast the shit out of each other merely enough (YES! I’m looking at you Quake 4, what a load of bollocks that game was) now we need fast, frantic team-based play. Like I said, it’s fun!

Oh and lets not forget Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead 2, which proved once and for all that sometimes there are few things funner than yelling “ZOMBIES!!! ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE!!! SHOOT THE ZOMBIES!!!!” with 3 of your good friends.

This shift of focus towards gameplay has also helped the humble independent developer. We now live in a world where games like World of Goo can be created by 2 people, stuck up on the internet and gain huge followings. Who would have thought that a fresh, novel idea, coupled with a bizarre sense of humour and a large pile of goo could be so addictive and fun? Certainly not me. Oh, and if you haven’t had the chance, I recommend playing World of Goo multiplayer on the Wii. Stupid ridiculous fun it is indeed.

Ok, well I think I’ve had a long enough rant for today. For any of you who actually managed to pay attention to all of this, I did miss out on a lot. Most notably, I didn’t get around to the exception that I feel has been letting gaming down for several years now. Maybe I’ll right that section up later, if I feel like it.

Have fun people!
Bob

Kalgoorlie: “Cautionary Tales from the West Side” or “I wish to the god that I don't believe in that I was making any of this up”.

2010-03-16T00:38:00.003+11:00

It's Friday and, as promised, I am going to post some stuff.
By the way, just a little note that it is Wall-Of-Text o'clock here.

So... I have spoken to many/all of you through SMS or phone or the internets or any combination of the above about how things are here.
And I mean it when I say that I actually don't mind it here.
Of course, I have only spent a few weeks here and a great portion of that was with some of the locum radiographers who were known for their ability to spend at least some portion of every other night of the week at the pubs.

For now, allow me to give you a warning that some of the following may disturb you as I give you a glimpse of Kal's Darkside.
...
Actually... that's a lie. I have yet to see the majority of Kal's Darkside.
Apparently, three or four times a year there are street-sized all-in brawls down the main pub street. I am yet to see that. There are also stories that I have heard second- or third-hand about some of the local population. Stories that make Matt Graham's drawings and stories seem perfectly socially acceptable, even the “Little Timmy” and “Death by Impalement on Oversized Erect Penis” ones. Again, I have yet to experience these first-hand but I will say that it often involves male reproductive juices in places where it really should not go, including non-medically-opened post-surgical wounds, and that “Death by Oversized Penis” would probably be a saving grace for such people. 'Nuff said.

So... the poorly-lit side of Kal then?

Let's begin with my first full day here.
After heading in to the X-Ray department for a quick tour and to say hi to the crew, I went to one of the local supermarkets. After getting myself enough supplies to last me the week, I head to the checkout. My teenaged cashier had just finished a conversation with a co-worker about her moving to Melbourne and how she was dreading the move. Like the naiive fool that I am, I decided to start some small talk and asked why Melbourne is so bad.
“Because my brother and dad live there.”
“Ah. I guess you aren't a fan of them then?”
“Well, actually... my brother is my dad.”
*stands in silence as she explains that her father is also her half-brother, coming from same mother as her*

Like I said at the start, I really wish I made that up.

The majority of the pubs themselves feel like a bit of a gamble in terms of patronage. Largely inhabited by beefy seedy guys, the gamble is whether or not you have hit the pub on a night where every third person is looking for a fight. Indeed, the level of violence is such that on any given Friday or Saturday night, there will be 3+ police officers out the front of every pub just waiting for the call to go in and break up a fight. Monday X-Rays largely include fractures of the hands, face, wrists, and clavicles (collar bones). One thing that I have witnessed, at least from a radiographic perspective, is people that have been having a quiet one out the front of a pub only to be gang-bashed by punch-happy groups looking for the sucker unfortunate enough to be spotted alone. Even my own penchant for wandering along alone is starting to wane due to this. I break if people blink at me too hard, let alone if people actually touch me with intent to cause damage. Here's hoping that daytime travels fall outside of their hunting time, or I will be a messy splat mark on the pavement some time soon.

And the smell.
Kal itself largely smells neutral, if you ignore near the pubs. It is often slightly breezy and I can not say that there is much of a smell. Kinda dry and dusty. Occasionally you get the stench of drying urine, particularly on the corners of alley ways near pubs. To be expected, really. However, I am surprised at the lack of smell because it appears as if half of the population wash no more than it rains.
Given that it has surprisingly rained about six times since I have been here, including two storms of lightning awesomeness that would not be out of place in any Final Fantasy game, I would wager that at least a quarter wash less than it rains... and given that we are desert region, that can not be often at all.
Also, one day a short while ago it smelt like human solid bodily waste from roughly the Exchange to the Primary School 200 or so metres down the road. That is not a good way to start your working day.

Kal is not immune to insanely overweight people either. There is the story of an unfortunate Occupational Therapist who was trapped inside the bath/toilet room of a patient of hers for about half an hour because the guy had wedged himself in the doorway whilst she was inside and physically could not back away *points to previous comment about smell to convey the horror*. There are stories of people being refused the Flying Doctor Service because they could not load them on to the plane with the equipment that they had or patients being left for an hour or two on the sunny tarmac in Perth because the only ambulance there with the capability to take such large passengers was not sent to the airport. I myself have taken (horrible looking) X-Rays of people that you would not expect to live in the city, even with more food delivery and healthcare arrangements possible, let alone in Kal with limited access to such things.
Invariably, the request form for the X-Ray is something along the lines of:
“CXR (that's Chest X-Ray for you non-radiography-types)
Difficulty breathing. Chest pain.”
Of course, the healthcare system is geared towards doing as much as possible to keep people alive (ignoring the hierarchy of ~20 managerial positions, of which only three or four have anything to do with health care)... but, at the risk of sounding insensitive, this includes taking x-rays of the otherwise bleedingly obvious problem of sedentary people who can barely walk, weighing 150+ kilos and having chest pains whilst finding breathing difficult. The phrase “Well, duh...” comes to mind. Of course, without the X-Ray, they can not exclude the possibility of infection of the lungs... but that's probably also a given and difficult to tell on these films anyway.
Feel sorry for the nurses, physios and OccTherapists that have to touch them for more than a second.

At any point in time, if you walk more than 500 metres, you will see someone/people who are drunk and/or carrying booze. I can only imagine the conversation goes a little like this:
“Midday? No Problems: Here's a carton of Carlton Mid Strength! Now just walk in a straight line... ok, a zig-zag is cool too. Only two steps either side of a straight line, so you're practically sober.”
It is not unusual to see people passed out with multiple large bottles next to them on the weekends.

Never look anyone even remotely seedy in the eye, even by mistake or coincidental eye contact, for you are gambling with your sanity and/or life. One of several things will happen:

The Good: They will ignore you or politely tip their head, say Hello and move on. Otherwise known as the “regular person on the street” and is the lucky roll of the dice. Maybe 90% of the population here fall in to this category.
The Bad: They will join you and start telling you really dodgy and/or life stories and/or force you to join in seedy conversation and/or to try and bum a free drink off you, whereby the only escape is by false excuse or by being dragged away by another person. Otherwise known as the “Mad Mick”, named after the regular known as “Mad Mick” at the Exchange. Pissed off his face most of the time, and seedy as hell... especially to any foreign skimpies (more on them in the next post). Avoid, Avoid, Avoid. The rarest of the lot.
The Ugly: They start weighing up the “Fight” option and you want to die now to save yourself the pain of getting your head belted in first. Otherwise known as the “50-50”, because you probably have a 50-50 chance of talking yourself out of the potential fight. Reduces to a 25-75 chance of bypassing pain on nights when people are actively looking to have a random fight.

This habit of looking people in the eye is obviously something that I am going to have to rectify.

How about the insects?
The following link, the video clip to the aptly named instrumental "Help Me I Am In Hell" by Nine Inch Nails, ought to suffice.
Especially after it rains.
Actually... the random flashes to bondage gear in that video clip is also somewhat appropriate. Though I have not seen leather-bondage gear openly displayed in Kal, there appears to be more adult stores here than any other type of store... possibly more than Newcastle (possibly also a lie... just).
Back to the flies... Their numbers are starting to decline at the moment, as it becomes cooler but I am convinced that, over summer, they are by far the most numerous inhabitant of Kal... even beating Ants. These flies also are “better” and more annoying than flies back home. I would have thought that they would have been like country flies back home: So stupid that you can get them even at slow speeds. Actually, even given the numbers of them that exist, I have only managed to get maybe five or six in total. These bastards are quicker than your regular city flies, and will do a lap around your head and land back in the same spot that you originally brushed them away from. Worse, they don't mind going orifice camping... meaning that you will often have to be careful when opening your mouth or generally moving things near your ears, eyes and nose. I can compare them to regular mozzies vs. Uni Mozzies: They appear to be some weird mutation on normal insects that are practically impossible to kill without dedicated effort. Actually, that's a lie: I came home one day to find a pair of flies dead on my kitchen table... dead in the middle of shagging. I really wish I had taken a picture of it: There they were, lying on their sides but very clearly died in the middle of having sexy times. I guess that still counts as dedicated effort, even if it was not from me.
Ants are also a popular resident in your surroundings and occasionally home. The flying ones are particularly stupid, landing upside down on any surface at almost every opportunity. The large ones are common, as are your generic black ants. No pathway is without at least one of them.
Numerous flying bugs exist as a way of reminding you that you should be wearing a shirt indoors.
Cockroaches here are huge. The generic house ones are at least as big as any cockroach that you see in Maitland. They are capable of knocking over light boxes of cereal in the middle of the night and walking away with corn flakes, according to one of the sonographers. I also know from first-hand experience that they move quickly and like making noisy steps.
Then there are the Bush Roaches. We are talking palm-of-your-hand sized bastards. And these ones fly.
They also have mosquitoes. They are somewhat rare and less annoying than those back home (i.e. they only leave regular sized bumps if you have sensitive skin), but how they manage to breed out here in the desert is anyone's guess.

And speaking of breeding... Actually, let's not go there for that is an entirely new scary subject that probably should not be discussed outside of the hospital.
The second nearest segue with mosquitoes that I can get is Water and, as you may have guessed from my original post on the blog, the tap water here is none-too-pleasant. Here is how Kal gets its water, from a slightly biased perspective...
Step One: Pump water from Perth or one of those other coastal locations.
Step Two: ????
Step Three: In your mouth because you need it to stay alive, fool (all those who thought this step was going to be “Profit”, turn to the corner in shame).
OK. That is slightly abridged and contained little of humorous or cautionary value, so I will add some things to note about the water.
The first thing you will notice when you turn on a tap without a water purifier is that you can taste the chlorine. Without drinking it. After about two days, however, this sensation disappears as you have probably internalised it. It also can only realistically be drunk and “enjoyed” (i.e. not cause facial twitching in disgust) if it has been chilled in the fridge if you have not lived here for less than a week. And even then things could be bad. Of course, the chlorine is there to kill the bugs in the water. Why we have mosquitoes is beyond me, but I suspect that they are at least partially immune to Chlorine. There are also times where the chlorine levels in the water are so high that you might as well be drinking treated pool water.
One of my co-workers will only drink bottled water in part because of that reason, but also for another... See, part of her partner's job is to clean the water filters before it gets pumped for general consumption. In addition to the other sludge-like material that accumulates in ordinary water treatment plants, or indeed overcoming such sludge, is the ever persistent red that exists in Kal... only this is in thick mud form. Yes, that's right people... I drink water that, if you look at it in the right light, is red and tastes slightly of mud. I can see you licking your lips from here.
Here is a completely true and not-at-all fictitious example of what I am talking about:

Incidentally, the pasta I had that night was pretty good.
And, of course, I would be amiss if I did not tell you of the local wildlife that surrounds the reservoir that contains the unnatural mid-desert water. As you may guess, this has little to do with non-human wildlife and a lot more to do with human wildlife that sits around grazing and generally pissing it up around such a water hole...
Which brings me back to water treatment, for I am grateful about the levels of chlorination because of the above fact. I am not entirely sure if this water is Fluoridated either. Teeth here are horrible. Furthermore, for some reason possibly due to the water if what I have heard is correct, people seem to heal bone injuries slower than other places where I have worked.
Even if that last piece is not true, if you blamed the water for anything/everything here you probably would be correct.

A special mention of awfulness goes to Boulder. Boulder is essentially Kalgoorlie South, and the combined city is actually known as Kalgoorlie-Boulder. I have only visited Boulder, for a few hours, when the monthly markets were on, and have sworn to never go back again without a getaway vehicle/detailed escape plan (until possibly the markets next month... maybe.). We managed to walk through the markets, all 300 odd metres of both sides of the street, in 20 minutes. That gives you an idea of how exciting the place is. The road-train that they had, run by the local Lions club and as seen in many markets around Australia, does a lap of half a street... roughly a journey of 200 metres and 3 minutes. And costs $8 to ride. Yeah.
The scary thing about Boulder is the local population. They congregate and wander in groups of anywhere between 5 and 20 and yell at each other across the street in tones that sound like they are going murder everyone in the vicinity. This would not be as much a problem if they did not look like that they were willing to act on such a perceived suggestion. I felt safer in a dodgy Kal bar full of the people actively finding an excuse to start a brawl... and that's saying something. Three of the four pubs that we passed had shattered windows. The other pub was clearly the best thing going for this end of the town as most patrons still had teeth, or at least false ones, and spoke with the volume to less than "near deafening".
And they tell me that many of the surrounding townships (i.e. everything within several hundred kilometres) are much worse.

***
Let's see... Sight, Smell, Touch, Taste and Hearing.
I think I have assaulted your senses enough, for the time being.

Next time, some of the Lighter Phails of Kal, complete with more pictures.
***

Kalgoorlie: Wish you were here, but not in the “because this place is totally awesome” way.

...And Travis did say "Hell Yeah!"

2010-03-16T00:11:00.000+11:00

... and he did find the blagablog lacking in cautionary tales of scandalous events and shenanigans in Western Australia.
As such, he developed some new abilities, and not just those gained from drinking the water, and one of them was the ability to post on this blog.
Or, possibly, he asked Seb to add himself as a contributor. Choose your own reality.
For the record, my money is still on the water. More on that at a later date.

From time to time, I will be adding blog posts to enhance this portion of the internet and to make you wonder why I am still happy/sane/smiling/alive. Blog posts so fresh that it makes the water here seem positively unworthy of drinking.
*hint: I started writing some of these posts over three weeks ago*
First "real" post in a few days time... let's say by the end of this week for simplicity's sake (and also for proof-reading purposes by someone other than I).

Before I end this post, I will give a shameless plug to both Google Wave and Facebook. The first because I have just joined and it is your duty to add me (my email address involves a combination of gmail.com and traviscarraro), and the second because i will get to uploading some images and a video of here to said Facebook site in the very-near future.

*obligatory comment, closing this first post, at the expense of MySpace*

A Quick Thought on Something We All Like to Bring Up Occasionally: OxMan

2010-03-04T17:03:00.004+11:00

Let me begin by quickly refreshing your memories on a couple of OxMan facts:

1) We know that he always wore the same outfit, including that hat.
2) We know that he did second year Physics courses.

Now, in order to do second year courses, one must do the advanced physics first year courses. These courses are taught by Dastoor, and everyone who's had him as a lecturer knows that he asks questions to people wearing hats in his lectures.

So if OxMan always wears that hat, and if he was in those lectures.... why did he not get asked any questions?

Lambie's Guide to the Five Versions of "Blade Runner"

2010-02-16T18:00:00.000+11:00

Yes, that's right. There are five versions of this iconic film, and I've seen all of them. Having so many different versions of a film available can make figuring out which one to watch difficult. Here, then, is may take on each version and why you should (or shouldn't) watch each one.

The U.S. Theatrical Cut: This is the original version of the film, complete with an entire checklist of things changed by the studio to try and make the film "better" for audiences. "Improvements" include voice overs that Harrison Ford seems to loath speaking, and a tacked on ending that you can tell has been tacked on. A lesson in what not to let studio executives do to a film. Verdict: Avoid.

The International Theatrical Cut: The U.S. Theatrical cut with a few more seconds of gore added. (I assume these precious seconds were cut in order to maintain the PG13 rating in the U.S., which would mean many more potential money-making audience members.) It doesn't make the film any worse, but it doesn't make the film any better, either.

The Director's Cut: Ridley Scott (and just about everyone else) hated what the studio originally did to his film, and perhaps rightly so. Ten years later, he managed to release the director's cut. Gone is the stupid ending and stupid voice-overs. Introduced is footage which famously changes the entire meaning of the (now) final scene and which has spawned never-ending debate. You could watch this version, but there's actually a better one.

The Workprint Cut: This existed only as a rumour until a few years ago. This is the version that was screened to a test audience and then disappeared off the face of the planet. You could think of it as a kind of bridge between the theatrical cuts and the director's cut. Incomplete special effects. Alternate takes. Alternate voice overs. Everything you'd ever want in a bootleg, really. Ridley Scott finally managed to dig it up and release it. It hasn't been altered apart from a restoration effort, so those incomplete special effects are still incomplete. Watch only if you're interested in the history of the film.

The Final Cut: Essentially a re-mastered directors cut (plus the few extra seconds of gore that the international cut had). Thus, this is the version to watch. The print has been overhauled to look brand new and has been further touched up with CGI. Now, before you cry foul and point out that this is what George Lucas did to the original Star Wars trilogy to the point where he ruined it, Ridley Scott read the cinematic equivalent of "Don't Do What Donny Don't Does" and didn't do what Donny Don't did. I could have probably made that a bit clearer: George Lucas used CGI to touch up the original print and then went overboard by filling the frame with CGI crap and changing elements that perhaps didn't need to be changed. Ridley Scott digitally re-mastered the film, used CGI to fix a few special effects errors, and then left it at that.

So to summarise, avoid the theatrical cuts unless you're a film buff and avoid the workprint cut unless you're interested in the history of the film. You could watch the director's cut and see something fairly close to Ridley Scott's vision, but if you're going to do that you might as well watch the final cut instead and see the version that he's happy with.

3D: It's not Just a Gimmick, It's False Advertising (In A Good Way)

2010-02-08T21:05:00.001+11:00

It's time to put on your thinking caps, thinking berets, thinking beanies, or other thinking headgear, because this post is going to delve into the mind-bending physics realm of dimensions. You have been warned! In the spirit of special features on DVDs, I've included some bonus content at the bottom which you can skip to if you don't want to risk taxing your brain.

Ask any small child how many dimensions we live in, and you're probably starting in the wrong place to do your research. Ask a slightly older child how many dimensions we live in, and they'd probably tell you "three" (left and right, forwards and backwards, up and down). Ask any decently educated person how many dimensions we live in, and they'll hopefully tell you "four" (x, y, z, and time). Ask a mathematics professor how many dimensions we live in, and they might say "four" (x, y, z, and time), or they might say "four" with a cheesy I've-just-told-a-bad-joke grin on their face (r, theta, phi, and time), or they might just give you a puzzled look and tell you not to bother them again. Ask a theoretical physicist how many dimensions we live in and they'll run away in tears claiming that they don't know because string theory hasn't been resolved properly yet but it might be 11. We're going to be working with the educated everyman's answer of "four" (x, y, z, and time).

For the purposes of padding out this post with extra information you all probably already know, we travel through the time dimension at a somewhat redundant rate of one second per second. And, of course, there's also the issue of relativity, which basically states that our concept of the passing of time depends on how fast we're going. Thankfully, since we aren't going to be staring at a television or movie screen while travelling at significant factions of the speed of light any time soon, we can ignore this little problem for the time being.

But why does time always get stuck as the last dimension on the list? What's to stop me from listing the four dimensions as time, x, y, and z. Or (if I ignore alphabetical order) as z, time, y, and x. Or as x, y, time, and z. (Do you see where I'm going with this now?) In the last example, z is the last (fourth) dimension, time is now the third dimension, and the only thing stopping me from doing this is something known as "Convention".

Any film or TV show that doesn't comprise of a single still picture exists in the first of these three newly re-ordered dimensions (x, y, time). So since these films portray three of the four dimensions we can experience, these films are all 3D already. By natural extension, when you go and see a so-called "3D" movie, it's actually a film presented in all four perceivable dimensions. And that's where the false advertising comes in: it should be called 4D, shouldn't it?

But it's not all bad. Sure, so-called "3D" films are more expensive to make and show, which can sometimes be reflected in higher ticket prices. But now you know that "2D" films are really 3D, and that "3D" films are really 4D. You're being given an extra dimension for free without the studios and executives realising it.

Don't tell them, though.

Bonus Content: Here's something to ponder on. When sound was introduced to the world of cinema, it quickly (i.e. within a few years) moved from becoming a silly gimmick to become a legitimate tool for film-makers to use to enhance and further their telling of a story. Similar things happened for the introduction of colour and the widescreen format. They were very quickly embraced by the audiences of the time.

3D, however, has been around for decades but hasn't moved on from the cheap gimmick status it was labelled with when it first hit our screens. It suffers from some similar technological difficulties that sound, colour, etc. would have had to deal with when they were first introduced. (For example, I would imagine that not many studios and cinemas would have been well equipped to deal with sound when it was first introduced). Yet these technological difficulties don't seem to be the root cause of the problem. Film-makers seem stuck in a situation where they feel compelled to stick in a cheap shot of an object hurtling towards the camera, because that's the horrible name that 3D has made for itself.

A film that utilises 3D as a legitimate cinematic tool to compliment the director's vision of a story is yet to surface. As far as I can tell, even if Avatar is using 3D in this way, it's ludicrous success and word-of-mouth rule that "you must see the film in 3D" aren't really helping the case of 3D. (I haven't seen Avatar because I refuse to see/read things that seem to be making money based purely on hype. Critics haven't been as kind to the film as the many audience members who have made the pilgrimage to a theatre equipped to show the film in 3D.)

Cinema buffs are going to remain cynical to 3D until a respected reviewer actually says "This film uses 3D as a tool to tell the story."

Seb Reviews: Whatever he watched in the last few days OR A (Possibly) Inebriated Review of Movies

2010-01-14T21:17:00.004+11:00

It's 5 minutes to Midnight. Due to some sort of logical connection, it seems like a good time to start tapping out my thoughts on a variousity of films which I have watched with EYE-BALLZ over the previousity few days. Let's start with the trigger for that mental link:

Watchmen
Not So Heroic Superhero Film
Yeah, it's another friggin' superhero flick. Except this time it's the 1980's. But not the Ashes to Ashes style one where Seb ends up getting horrible nightmares (the nightmare being that he's still in England working in a certain pub for a certain Frenchie) and wakes up screaming. Nah, it's more a horrible dirty 1980's where everyone is a bastard. I dare you to name a single character in this film who you'd want to be. If you can name one, then you should probably go and get a prescription for some Lithium.
Inspite of that, it's a refreshingly nasty superhero film, and quite lovely to look at. It turns out that we all sat through that awkward CGI period for a reason.

Iron Man
Science Man Punches Terrorists AND "The Man"
Our second Super Hero one is from the year before, and is best enjoyed in the same state of mind as the protagonist: Drunk. There is a man who does SCIENCE! and then punches terrorists! Then there are some pretty ladies and cars and explosions. Then he beats "The Man" and everyone loves him.
Yeah, it's about as deep as my swimming pool at the moment (see that previous post for a visual cue), but MY GOD is it alot of fun. It's even more fun by comparison when you watch it right before...

District 9
Grim Sci-Fi Documentary/Action
Yeah, that film from South Africa that everyone seems to be going banang about. It's all over my local supermarket, which is the watermark for a successful film. If you can sell a film in the same aisle as the shallots, then you are a winner. Especially when it's a film that gets incredibly difficult to watch due to the sheer awfulness of what's happening until you don't think you can take it anymore and then discovering that it's suddenly turned into a gleeful action film with explosions and poorly thought out plans! Yeah, the messages about the way refugees are treated are about as subtle as Barney the Dinosaur in a church, but they end up only feeling like justification for a scene that never comes. Did I enjoy it? Yeah. Would I watch it again? Maybe. Would I recommend it? Only because it's one of the best Sci-Fi things I've seen in a very long time. I don't care if Peter Jackson had his beard in this one, it was a good film. Now for an opposite case!

Duplicity
Espionage-Con-Romance-LOL
This film can be summed up easily. Burn Notice + Oceans Eleven + (I've never seen a proper romance film, so I'll go with) WALL-E. It's basically Mr and Mrs Smith done RIGHT. There's a contorted timeline, there's people squabbling over ridiculous things, and there are crosses and double crosses and triple crosses and it's a film that I dare you to watch without raising a gleeful smile. I can only think of one "Huh?" moment, which involves a reveal about a certain someone's true intentions, as it really doesn't make sense, as well as how they avoid the consequences, but I can forgive them for this. See it, it'll undo all the James Bond damage by making you never want to be a secret agent ever again. Because maybe you want to be able to do things like not worry if someone is recording you while you throw jam at the roof or whatever.

Primer
Electrical Engineer Time Travel Fun Times
I have Sir Thomas of QN to thank for putting me on to this particular gem. It reminded me of the reason why I didn't want to go back to university. Possibly because I was drunk, I spent the last 28 minutes of this movie exclaiming "What? WHAT? OH GOD I'M LOST HERE :( ". The movie is very clever, and I can't deny that it's the most accurate portrayal of scientific experiments in it's hideously unglamourous nature I've ever seen on film. The antithesis of Iron Man, if you will. Let me just say this: If I didn't have Wiki, I would have no idea what happened in the 3rd act of the film, after Mr Granger shows up. Seriously. I was all "What the cuss is happening?". If I was slightly more sober when watching this, it probably would have made 23% more sense. This is conjecture, however. I therefore give it PHYS4410/PHYS4420 stars. For Obfuscation.

Zombieland
Light-hearted Apocalypse with Zombies
I'll be honest. I went into this film expecting a Zombie gore fest. I think that the recent spate of overly violent instant gratification films from the last few years (basically anything post 28 Days Later) had numbed me to the genre, with each new collection being another retread of the tried and true formulae. But, it was not the case here. I think I'm able to sum up this film in a single word: "Stylish". Sure, it's funny and sensible and even though some areas of the plot are left underdeveloped, I think that it doesn't hurt the end result even slightly. Simply because it's a ride that is throughly enjoyable. I once heard that all zombie films are social commentary on issues that trouble the director. Well, if that's true, then I guess the message is to not sweat about enjoying those guilty pleasures of life, because otherwise you'll end up too serious, and nobody wants that. That, and we need more Michael Cera alikes in Hollywood are what we can take from this insane ride.

Coraline
Horror Fantasy for Children
Oh my goodness. It appears that if you ever are in any doubt of whether you've actually got an inner child, the answer is to be found simply through the process of watching this film. I honestly was not expecting to be this entranced, but the sheer level of child-like wonder and excitement to be (potentially) uncovered is astonishing. All I can say is this is pretty much the perfect film for me from about 15-ish years ago, when I was the kid with the over active imagination about what monsters and crazy things lurked just out of sight. I mean, it runs on video-game logic during her quest, and each and every set is an absolute joy to look at. In terms of stop motion, I think the original 3 Wallace and Gromit films were the last time I was *this* impressed with the filming technique. And I was about 11 when I first saw that. I'm going "Squee" just at the thought of this film.

Moon
Psychological Sci-Fi Drama
If you ever need a quick example of when less is more, then you can always point to this. You'll go into this film, expect a cliche, and then a twist comes and you've changed your assumptions again, and then this repeats a few more times, and by the end you've just given up guessing because everything that happens goes so strongly against your expectations from other films, that it's refreshing. Also it's got Keven Spacey as one of the best supporting characters ever. I don't want to reveal *anything* specific about this film, just that David Bowie would be proud of his son's first flick. Hell, if it's good enough for NASA, it's good enough for you.

No Country For Old Men
Goddamn Cohen Brothers Film
Just sing a bit of Johnny Cash, and it makes more sense. There is a man who finds drug money, there is a man who looks like the landlord from Flight Of The Conchords who likes killing people who don't want or deserve to die, and there are a bunch of policemen who are awful at preventing crimes. That said, it's a suprisingly easy film to watch, especially compared to Burn After Reading, which was thee Cohen Bros latest offering. But that could have something to do with having watched that one whilst on the way to the UK surrounded by unfortunates.

There Will Be Blood
OIL!
John Allison's review was WRONG. This is a brilliant film about how to be the hardest dude ever. Its about how a man will get what he wants if he has ACTING JUICE (oil). This film is The Godfather for the noughties. That's how good it is. Watch it with a friend whilst drunk and explain what hard as funk thing Daniel is doing every 5 minutes for maximum effect. Just watch the last few minutes in silence.

Television in 2010: A Post That (Hopefully) Won't Offend You All Like My Last One Did

2010-01-08T17:51:00.000+11:00

Let's face it. The late 90's and early 00's (the years, not fictional British Intelligence agents) were a golden age of sorts for television. But somewhere along the line, something went horribly wrong. The last couple of years have not been good for the state of TV, in every aspect you can think of. From the atrocious way that the commercial networks here have been treating viewers, to the atrocious way studios abroad have treated some good quality shows. And then there's this show, which I can only describe as "unforgivable".

There are many, many areas that TV can improve in, so here's what I think the rulers of TV-Land (both here and abroad) should do this year:

Stop Shifting Programs About On A Whim

The general premise behind this move is that it's supposed to move programs into a timeslot where they might get better ratings, or where they can move in another show that might get better ratings in the original timeslot, or both. While most networks are generally pretty good about this sort of thing, Channel Seven did keep pushing popular programs like Heroes and Lost until they were almost running in the witching hour. (Now that their second digital channel is here, they're promising to put those shows on in prime-time on 7TWO.)

But the main culprit is Channel 10. They seem to live for this sort of thing. If a show doesn't rate well in its first week, BAM, it's gone, or banished to some obscure time of the night you never even knew existed. If a show doesn't rate well in its second week, BAM. Third week? You get the idea.

Stop Airing So Many Damn Episodes of The Simpsons Every Week

One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety. Channel 10 has not grasped this concept. It only seems to have enough money to buy the Simpsons back catalogue and the new episodes. If they banish a TV show, guess what replaces it 75% of the time?

If you want better ratings, take some risks, and show some different content. We're not going to watch an episode of a TV show we've seen a billion times before in the past three months.

Stop Jumping on the Bandwagon (Or On The Lost Island)

One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety. Yes, we all know that shows like Lost changed TV. It showed us what can be done with a serialised TV show, and how audiences react to a show steeped in mystery and mythology. But that doesn't mean that straight out copying it is going to make your show successful. Look at the horror that was Flashforward for example. If only the producers of that show had been able to catch a glimpse of the future, perhaps they might have decided against signing off on that one.

Another mind-numbing example is the resurgence in shows with vampires, no doubt trying to cash in on the Twilight "franchise". The more we're saturated by vampires, the faster we're going to become phased by their presence on TV, which means your audience will have about as much interest in your show as an actual undead person.

But Don't Stop Taking Risks

I promise I'll stop saying it in a second, but: One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety. We all know that some shows will fail. But occasionally there is that one gem of a show that picks up a devoted fan base because it's different, takes risks, and has a good gimmick (if it's a comedy) or storyline (if it's not). We need more of these shows.

And when you get one of these shows, be prepared for a niche market to grasp on to it, rather than aim for a broad spectrum of viewers. There's almost no such thing as a show that will appeal to a wide range of demographics anymore. Hell, audiences are so varied in their tastes these days that there's probably no such thing as a demographic anymore. Intelligent, high quality shows don't appeal to a mass audience. Conversely, mass appeal shows are so bad and do nothing than follow a formula that they bomb and don't get a large audience anyway. Stick with the intelligent ones, even if they're not as popular and don't rate as well as The Best Show In History (whatever that was).

Give a Show Fair Warning Before You Axe It For Good

The one thing that annoys viewers more than a cliffhanger ending is a cliffhanger ending that will never, ever be resolved. It doesn't do the show any justice, and it reflects badly on the studio that wielded the axe.

If you tell the writers that you may not renew the show for another year, then that means they can end the season on a note that resolves as much as needs to be resolved. If you don't then you get stuck with an audience that feels like they've read a novel only to find that the last 100 pages have been torn out. Fantastic.

If you need an example, look no further than My Name Is Earl, which ended with the full expectation that there would be more episodes. So now we're all stuck with an incomplete storyline that feels awkward and doesn't help anyone. And worst of all, we may now never see Earl finish crossing things off his list. (Actually he technically can't do that anyway, since he added an item he had no intention of ever crossing off.)

There are many examples of shows that did get it right, but most of those went out on their own terms and so didn't have the metaphorical axe hovering over their head. One show that didn't go out on its own terms but still managed to get it right was the ending to the second season of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, perhaps the only show with a longer name than My Name is Earl. The writers didn't know whether they would be coming back for a third season, so they wrote an ending that both resolved the current storyline but could be expanded upon if a third season came about. Just incase.

Give The Hosting Duty of Scrapheap Challenge Back to ~~Kryten~~ Robert Llewellyn

Okay, this one's a long shot given that they might not even make a new series, but it's still worth mentioning.

As Much As It Pains Me To Say It, Stop Making New Episodes of The Simpsons

Let's say it together one last time: "One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety." Saturating the marketplace with Simpsons episodes doesn't do the TV world any good, and hasn't for a while now. I'm pretty sure that the only reason Fox keeps commissioning new episodes is because it gets them money. I'd call myself a Simpsons fan, but I'm not watching new episodes anymore. The quality's gone, and the only way such a long running series can be saved is to reboot it like they did with Doctor Who, but you can't do that with The Simpsons

When a show is being promoted purely on the dying hype generated by the fact that they are new episodes with a billion new guests stars and not being promoted on the storylines or gags, then you're pretty much staring the Grim Reaper of Television in the face, daring him to make his move and hand you the Notice of Cancellation he holds instead of that scythe. The new age of television was heralded with the introduction of interesting serialised shows like 24, Lost, the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, etc.

The TV landscape won't be the same without this iconic show (The Simpsons, not the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica), but it's time to let it die with some dignity.

What Else?

This is by no means a definitive list of what should be done, but rather just the stuff I could think up some stuff to write about. There's plenty of other things that the controllers of the magic box can do to improve our viewing experience, such as:

Ensuring more accurate, easy to read weekly TV guides are published in papers. Ones that list ALL the channels, and in particular, make digital channels easier to look up.
Stop lying about HD channels being separate channels until they actually are separate channels.
Fix current affairs shows by making them more accountable for the lies they broadcast, or get rid of them completely.
Stop remaking Oliver Twist.

I'm sure there are plenty more I have missed that you can think up. So what do you think should happen to TV in 2010?

Closure

2010-01-04T23:50:00.006+11:00

Helloes! This is an automated message from your morally ambigious writer. It has been deployed due to lack of communications over a 72 hour period. Whilst this safeguard is simply for safety reasons, attempts to locate the presumed author should be persued at your discression.

Well, let's take stock of what we've got: No current employment (CHECK!), No potential relationship material (CHECK!), No computer that I can do anything decent on (CHECK!... kinda), and a whole lot of time to kill (CHECK CHECK CHECK A THOUSAND TIMES). Yep, time to fill in that thing that noone cares about.. the BEST and WORST list of 2009. Let's see what we've got going:

Worse Dog of the Year: Pippa
Congrats, Poody-woody, you've picked up this award for being greasy, and infected with both a virus and a bacterial skin disease at the same time. Also for eating all that food off the coffee table when you thought we weren't looking. You are a dog, even when blind drunk, I can see through your charades. There is a reason we can tell when you've been in the garbage eating tissues, and it's called a "DOG ACT".

Best TV Channel: Go!
Where else can you get: Flintstones, Jetsons, Wipeout, Get Smart, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, and anything else that qualifies as "Drunk Viewing" 24/7? The internet, sure, but that is a hassle. Also gets an award for being the speed at which horrible 80's cars travel through time.

Best Analogy: My broken-arsed computer
This award goes to you, my dear PC. You're now a shell of your former self, even though you didn't lose any of your memories, you can't keep doing what you used to. There's no connections left. So now you're being strung together whilst your former owner leaves you to a new generation of abuse. After lying to yourself about how well things were going, we couldn't get away from the horrible mess that was inside. Attempting to salvage this would only end in more tears. Yes, good times were had, but it can't go on like this. I'm off to get a shiny new machine, and I'm leaving you here. Rust in peace, you magnificent bastard.

Worst Explaination: The previous paragraph
Wait... what's that even an analogy of? I'm... I'm not even sure myself. It was one thing, but then it sorta just meandered off...

Worst Camera: Sony Cybershot
You know, Camera, if your lens closed when I shut you off, and you didn't have the worlds worst portable memory type, then you'd be let off the hook. But you're awful. Also why do you think "Low Light Conditions" means "EVERYTHING TURNS RED"? Thanks for running out of battery for no reason when I visited the Danube, bastard.

Best Spy: Gravity Bone's Citizen Able
I don't care if you don't play games. I don't care at all. Gravity Bone is for you. If you hate Xavier Cugart's music, then you are an enemy of taste.

Most overhyped album: Muse - The Resistance
Your brain turns from "oooh" to "What the hell, this is some kind of rock opera and he's probably drunk and been huffing Freddy Mercury" within 6 tracks, then it turns into "Freddy (Mercury) got Fingered (by Exogenesis)". The fact that this was being streamed for free on the JJJ website before it was released is a testament to the insane demand for this band's latest and greatest.

Best "I'm Sorry": Seb, after shooting a zombie in L4D2.
Seb: Oh no! OH NO! NOOOooooooO! I'm SORRY! That shouldn't have happened! I'm... I CAN SEE HIS COCCIX. I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT. THAT BIT SHOULD STAY INSIDE! He's going to be sad if that pox wears off and he sees what is left of his genitals

Best Chocolate Shape: Fernando the Reindeer
This reindeer hosted what could only be described as "A Medallion the size of a hubcab! Without this symbol of fertility and power around your neck, what kind of woman is going to respect you? Everyone knows that if you can't support a medallion, you can't support a family." It was also delicious.

Best 2009 Album listened to in 2009: Röyksopp - Junior
Nothing says "Glee" like songs about robots that don't love you back and insane video clips with Space Invaders.

Best 2008 Album listened to in 2009: Tame Impala - Tame Impala EP
This is the perfect EP to listen to whilst staring out of a window at the passing Eastern European countryside while the sun beats in on your sleep deprived and dirty face. The closest you can get to feeling like something out of the 70's without a muscle car and a hatred of disco.

Best 2009 Album NOT listened to in 2009: Whitley - Go Forth Find Mammoth
WHY DIDN'T I GET THIS EARLIER? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Just saying the title of the Album like a racist disney american indian is fun. The songs are infectious and brilliantly written. Lawrence Greenwood deserves everything that comes his way.

Worst City: Paris
Nothing you say can undo the hurt you caused. I will never forgive you.

Best investment: External Hard Drive Reader
Because Flash-drives don't hold more music than some record shops. Or more music than can fit on *any* iPod version, for that matter. Also handy when your computer throws in the towel and you need to get your back musics. Always keep a back-up, kids!

Best insanity: Three way tie between Envirobear 2000, Fuck Oregon Let's Go Find El Dorado, and ROM CHECK FAIL
There are some things best experienced for yourself.

Oh Noes! Flashback of the Year: Reading Do Travel Writers Go To Hell?
Because nothing makes you raise your arms and go "I CAN SMELL THOSE BACKPACKERS FROM HERE" and "Wow, and I thought the rats in that awful hostel in Amsterdam were bad" like a book which takes you straight back to the scene of the crimes.

Best thing that you're not in on: Google Wave
Private Forums with uploading. What else could you possibly want?

Best Problem: Electrical Faults
Ah, my trusty steed. Thanks for that hilarious quirk that means I've gotta go and buy a fuse and/or bulb if I shift with the headlights on.

Best Thing Ever: Steak Seasoning and Cameron's Christmas Present
So goddamn delicious, I can hear my saliva glands going just thinking about it. The only way to make it better is to have it whilst wearing Night Vision Goggles. So I did. THE BAR HAS BEEN RAISED, LADIES.

Worst Things Ever: My Swimming Pool and anything in that general area of the house.
So, I leave the country, and a pool in reasonable condition. I return to a black puddle and woe. The only option is to "BURN IT ALL", so for Christmas, we are left with the worst skatepark ever, as well as a leaking solar water service (which was later repaired, due to some fine technical skills of a man), and the world champion of air conditioning, left out in the rain to die a slow, oxidising death.

Right, anything I've missed?
Oh yeah, the local wildlife. How could I forget!

That and forgetting to acknowledge the greatest nation on earth:

And remember: It's not a brilliant idea until you find version of it as a form of torture.

Costume & Themed Parties: Another (Hopefully) Comical Rant

2010-01-02T15:22:00.000+11:00

Partially written in response to the apparently non-existent question of "Where was Lambie on NYE?"

Introduction

"Costume." "Theme." These are two words that you might associate with the words "film," "theatre," or perhaps "television". They are two words that should in no way be associated with the word "party". At least, not in my books. The phrase "themed party" is one that fills my heart with dismay. The chosen theme itself can sometimes invoke a sense of rage that one would only otherwise experience while watching Today Tonight.

Measuring Hate

Hate in my world can be measured on the "Lambie Scale of Hate", which ranges from 1 up to Lily Allen. "Themed parties" come in at about a 6.5 on this scale, which is slightly above rankings for "pub trivia" and "secret Santa" (both of which probably measure about a 5.5 - 6).

As a side note, yes, there is a "Lambie Scale of Love". It ranges from 1 up to Sarah Blasko. (Anyone who didn't see that coming should be ashamed.) Examples of things and people on the Lambie Scale of Love are Marathon, Eve Myles, etc, etc.

The Reasons

Okay, so just why do I dislike themed parties? In order to properly answer this question, we will have to begin by paying a visit to our old friend and favourite type of number, statistics.

Here's the number of themed parties I have been to that I remember enjoying: Zero.

Yep. I've never actually had fun at any single one of them. Ever. But you could probably argue that I haven't really proven anything substantial yet. As I will point out in my final conclusion, you'd probably be (partially) wrong. But before you spoil the fun and read the last two paragraphs, I'll humour you and continue on my ~~merry way~~ path of rage with Mr and Mrs Statistics by introducing a second number into the hideously complex equation.

Here's the number of times I have felt comfortable dressing up in a costume at one of these parties: Zero.

Okay, so this is really just the same number again, but it's used in a different context here. And besides, introducing zero once into any sort of argument or complex equation is rarely a good sign for the result, let alone introducing it twice. This is aptly demonstrated by pointing out at this stage that by just organising a "themed party", you've already given me two good reasons not to get dressed up and go. And you haven't even decided on a theme yet.

Of course, no matter what theme you do end up choosing, you're going to fail for a third time in convincing me that attending would be a good idea. Why? Because your chosen theme will fall into one of the following three categories:

1. Appropriate only for primary school children.
2. Inappropriate in every way for primary school children, and in fact everyone under the age of 18.
3. Chosen in such a way that it is practically and financially impossible for half of your guests to think up and create a decent costume in time unless I have the budget and resources of a small Hollywood blockbuster.

If your theme lands in the first category, you should ask yourself the question "Is it reasonable to expect all my guests to be comfortable feeling childishly idiotic?" If your theme lands in the second category, you should ask yourself "Is it reasonable to expect all my guests to be comfortable dressing up in attire that makes my house look like an adult nightclub?" The answer to both of these questions is obviously "No." If you answered "Yes," then there might be something wrong with some of the people you've invited to your party.

If your theme lands in the third category, you'll have to ask yourself a small questionnaire worth of questions. In particular, you should ask yourself "Is it reasonable to expect all my guests to have the resources to create a costume in the first place?" Again, the answer could very well be "No."

These questions should demonstrate that none of the potential categories really sell the idea that I should attend the party in full costume, nor should you expect everyone to turn up in costume in the first place.

But Is It Compulsory?

"But Lambie," you will say. "It doesn't actually say that coming in costume is compulsory, does it?"

"But Nondescript Reader," I will say. "Sometimes it does say that, and there seems to be an unspoken rule that it's compulsory even if it doesn't say so."

"But Lambie," you will say. "You really don't have to dress up. No one's forcing you to."

"But Nondescript Reader," I will say. "If I don't dress up then the only conversation I will have is with disappointed people asking me why I haven't dressed up."

And this is where we see everything fall down into a horrible Catch-22. If I dress up, I feel uncomfortable. If I don't, I feel uncomfortable. If you ask why I'm not dressed up, "I don't like dressing up" or "I didn't want to dress up" doesn't seem to appear in your Pocket Book of Acceptable Excuses.

Summary and Conclusion

In the end, perhaps the best way to express this is by using a cinematic example. You might say "I won't go out and see that film. I'm not a fan of that genre of film. I'm pretty sure I won't enjoy it." Or you might say "I won't go out and see that film. It's directed by Uwe Boll, and I don't enjoy sitting through his films. They make me want to break things."

So why should I go to a party that I know I won't enjoy?

OMGWTFLEGO

2009-11-13T12:36:00.001+11:00

See, I would have uploaded this here, but that's an exercise in futility and despair. YouTube will have to suffice, instead.

News from the "Scene"

2009-11-09T12:28:00.001+11:00

S: We now cross live to Guerilla Journalist, Cam, who has infiltrated a gathering he has deemed worthy of your filthy eyes. Initial reports are sketchy, but apparantly, it's a... uh... a... Bogan Wedding?!? Oh sweet crunchy saviour....
S: Are you still on the scene, Cam?
C: No, it only lasted for twenty minutes, thank god. I don't think I could have coped with the amount of smoke that was being CONSUMED whilst the wedding was in progress.
S: Scintiallting. Any estimates on the crowd size?
C: Maximum.. problably 25 people
S: Gee, that sounds like the wedding lasted at a rate of 1 minute per person
C: The bride looked like Jabba the Hutt in a dress, the resemblance is quite scary, even the skin colour is alike.
S: Yikes. I do believe we have a comparison shot here.
S: Back to the story, what kind of man or woo-man attends such an event?
C: I can guarintee that only 2 or 3 people there were not on government handouts. It also appears that these 2 or 3 sorry souls were the only ones who were paying for the entire wedding, as well as the reception.
S: Where abouts was this illustrious event?
C: Back of Maitland Park, under the shitty old rotunda, next to the cricket ground (which seemed more interesting than the wedding, and I hate Cricket)
S: Where was this reception held?
C: Easts bowling club. All you can eat buffet. $12 a head at the most. I don't understand why someone so OLD would get married. The Ex-Husband was even there, and he made a speech. The even joked (I'm not sure if they know HOW to joke) about receiving half of the Ex-Husbands paycheck.
S: Love is surely in the air, tonight.
C: I don't want to think about that. (looks at the ground)
S: Looking at these photos, there's a few odd things here
C: That wedding dress is borrowed, and looked like it was hardly holding. Oh! And the smell.
S: Flowers?
C: Urine.
S: My Word!
C: Did I mention that the front row consisted entirely of Cripples? Some without teeth?
S: Do we have any photos of it? Ah, yes we do.

[Incriminating Photo Removed due to pending legal action]

S: I gotta get out of this town

Then the Officer Said...

2009-10-06T14:01:00.005+11:00

Seb, you appear to have "Dropped The Ball", people are saying, in regard to my lack of posting (lack here referring to failing to generate "lols" since July). I have previously put this down to my rock and roll lifestyle of waking up at 1PM and drinking all night. Well, enough of that! Also the secondary excuse of "I'm not bitter enough to write this bloody thing anymore" (which was met with congratulations, but I knew that deep in their hearts were TEARS for the glory of the past, and the knowledge that this era would no longer be present) might be tested.

But enough meta-wankery (that's for LATER). LET'S GET SOME MEAT ON THEM THAR BONEZ.

Let's have a quick recap of a certain European trip. I can effectively refer to the whole thing as "Great Scaffolding of Europe", since I have the magick powar that consists solely of causing great attractions of the world to be cordoned off when I am near. At least that's what appeared to happen back in 2002/2003. To this effect, I present this collage:

Don't you feel ENRICHED? Like Uranium, I bet! I KNOW I AM.

Also if someone can explain to me why I'm obsessed with Westerns at the moment, but make it a sex-based reason, they'll win another imaginary prize. What we need more of, is filth.
Or this.

Hell, this might be my last farewell ride for all I know.
(rants into oblivion. or Hogwarts. or whatever.)

The Great Debate: Should I Join Facebook?

2009-09-16T16:51:00.001+10:00

As you're all probably aware, I'm very stubborn when it comes to signing up to any sort of social networking service. In fact, I've made it perfectly clear why I haven't signed up in the past. If you can't be bothered re-visiting that essay, then I can sum it up by saying: "Frankly, I don't see the point."

But on two separate Wednesday's, I've had people virtually implore me to join Facebook. So I thought that fair's fair, and I should give everyone a chance to convince me. So add a comment to this post, and convince me to sign up. You never know, I actually might do it.

However, I reserve the right to tear apart any and all of your arguments as I see fit, in which case you'll have to do some more convincing or give up. (Let me pre-emptively tear apart one of those arguments by saying that even if you do prove to me Sarah Blasko is on Facebook, which as far as I know she is not, then you'll have to prove to me that it's better than following her beautiful website.)

Alternatively, you're also more than welcome to argue that I should not join Facebook.

A Revised Guide to Public Transport (Incase You Thought it Couldn't Get Worse)

2009-09-07T17:21:00.001+10:00

Having been subject to the revised public transport system for some time now, I felt it was time to update the guide, alert you to the horrible changes that have occurred, and discuss some older ones that no doubt existed beforehand but has only been my displeasure to experience after the revamp. If you thought things couldn't possibly get worse, prepare yourself for a shock. If you recognised a bus route number from the old system and naively decided to hop on said bus then prepare yourself for a bigger shock, because you aren't going to end up where you think you will.

Yes, the "geniuses" in charge ludicrously decided to keep the bus route numbers, but change the final destinations. Raise your arm if you think that's a good idea. I can probably guess how many arms are raised and count that number on zero of my hands.

Thankfully, like before, we can place the typical experience into two categories: the Route 100 experience, and the Route 226 experience. And so, once again using experiece and anecdotes, I will explain why applying the phrase "It couldn't possibly get any worse" to the revised network has proven that impossible things can happen.

100

Let's get the nitty gritty out of the way first: those of you with a very good memory (or those of you who cheated just now by looking through the archives to find the old guide) will notice that three numbers are missing from this category: 101, 103, and 108. Apologies to everyone who used to catch these buses, but they're gone forever. And so instead of having a service from the increasingly laughingly named CBD to the Uni through Mayfield every 20 minutes, you have to wait every half an hour. Fantastic.

So, say you want to get from Mayfield to somewhere that one of these now defunct routes went. You have one of two options:

1) Work out a hideously complicated journey that involves a change of buses at one or more points in your journey.

2) Failure.

The 100 now also goes past John Hunter Hospital, one of the many characteristics it has stolen from the 226. But the more things change, the more they stay the same. This bus is always still full of punk school kids and bogans who smell of bogan smell and cigarette smoke. Even if the bus is not full of punk school kids, evidence of their presence still remains in the form of a huge mess on the floor, graffiti everywhere, and the occasional hole cut into the seats.

This route also has the dubious honour of now always being serviced by the air conditioned, wheelchair accessible buses - another honour it tore from the grip of the 226, thus confusing many a 226 passenger when the changes were rolled out and they suddenly found themselves on an old noisy bus.

Surprisingly, the bus no longer suffers from excessive lateness, but having now travelled beyond the bounds of the University towards Charlestown, I have discovered some of its other dirty little secrets. The approach to Jesmond shops will always make your heart sink as you pray that the 50 people sitting around near the bus stop sign aren't all going to get on your bus. I'll touch on the area around Charlestown Square later, because the real kicker that needs to be discussed is the bus stop at John Hunter Hospital.

Anyone wishing to catch a bus outside of the main entrance to the hospital is faced with the ridiculous situation of having buses travelling in both directions being serviced by the one single bus stop on the one side of the road. So not only do you have to make sure you get on the right bus, you have to make sure you're on the right bus that is heading in the right direction. If you don't pay attention then instead of getting into town, you'll end up in Warner's Bay by getting on the wrong 363.

226

As I've already mentioned, the once always wheelchair accessible bus route is now serviced by a mixture of new and old buses. With that in mind, you could be forgiven for thinking that the type of bus you're going to end up on is going to be a bit of a gamble. If you end up catching the bus with any regularity, you can begin to detect a pattern. Catch the 226 at a certain time, and you can know beforehand whether you're going to get an old bus, a new wheelchair accessible bus, or one of the buses that was taken out of service for a bit because they caught fire for no reason.

The once scarcely populated 226 is now guaranteed to be populated with many more people. In fact, when the new networked was rolled out, so many people were catching it during peak hour that it was leaving people (including school kids) behind. Thankfully that frustrating and anger-inducing characteristic has abated (for now). Instead, it's been replaced by a bunch of stupid school kids who get on at School-Kid Central (aka Nineways), and then get off at the next stop. Why can't they just walk?

If you thought that was bad enough, then the 226 gave birth to two new types of bus travellers that are probably now common on may bus routes: the sniffer and the cougher. The sniffer sniffs so much that they sound like they're snorting drugs, and you either want to turn around and yell "Dude, blow your freaking nose" or turn around and punch them in the face. The cougher coughs so much that all you can do is feel disconcerted, and pray that they're covering their mouth and aren't contagious.

These negatives are somewhat compensated for by the fact that the number of people that used to get on at Broadmeadow Train Station has dropped from "An entire, heart-sinking bus load" to "About 10 at the most". Unfortunately, many of the familiar faces from the old guide are also gone. Some are occasionally still around, but most have dissapeared completely (such as Phone Girl, who I think I somehow managed to neglect from the original guide). It is more likely you will find a whole batch of new familiar faces instead. Sadly for you, I haven't given any of them names.

This is all fine if you want to catch a bus from own to Uni, but what if you want to keep going into the realms beyond? I haven't done it myself, but I can still make a few observations anyway. So pay attention 007, because the 226 is like everything wrong with the new network compressed into one neat little bus route package. Officially, the 226 goes from the CBD to Glendale via places like Broadmeadow, University, Jesmond, and Wallsend (and obviously it does the reverse going the other way). The thing is, not every 226 service goes to Glendale and, believe it or not, not every 226 goes to Newcastle Station.

The 226 runs every 30 minutes, like every other "popular" bus route, but it only goes to Glendale once an hour or so (it gets a bit hazy at certain times of day). So you could end up being stuck in Wallsend for half an hour waiting for the next one, or you can wait around in town and catch a different route all together to save you the trouble. And you have to be just as careful going back into town as well. You might end up on a bus that terminates at Broadmeadow Station, or the start of the CBD.

Bonus Content: Other Buses

The one advantage of taking the 100 out towards Charlestown from Uni is that if you wish to head back into town after your trip, you don't have to catch it again. Your best bet is to (usually) catch a service beginning with "3", which for some reason are primarily filled up with old people. The only problem with these buses is that you have to decode an interchange at Charlestown Square nearly as stupid as the bus stop at John Hunter Hospital. Instead of having buses going in two directions on one street, they have buses going in one direction on two streets.

So not only do you have to make sure you're on the right side of the road to catch the right bus going in the right direction, you have to make sure you're on the right street to begin with. If you're not, you have to hike around finding a completely different street to catch your bus, a task made all the more difficult by the fact that the streets in the area appear out of thin air, disappear into the same thin air, and generally don't seem to obey the laws of physics.

Conclusions

At the end of my original guide to public transport, I asked the question of which bus you should catch to Uni. Seeing as now aspects of both routes sometimes want to make you weep, that question is no longer relevent. So what of the network as a whole?

Well, if you want to travel to a popular destination in the city, such as Charlestown or Glendale, then the network can eventually get you there. Just don't expect to be on time: you're either going to be 20 minutes early or 10 minutes late.

I Told You to Vote, So Why Didn't You Vote For Blasko?

2009-07-15T19:48:00.001+10:00

Since everyone's jumping into the proverbial pot of cooking comments on why no women made the recent Hottest 100 of All Time list, I thought it necessary in the interests of balance to throw in my two cent coin and contaminate the meal. So firstly, why didn't I vote for any women? The answer is I did, and if you didn't figure that out then you obviously don't know me very well. In fact, had you been following the comments after I told you to vote, you would know that if I had my way Sarah Blasko's cover of Flame Trees would be #1. You should also expect me to have voted for a couple of her other songs, which I did.

So why didn't the rest of you vote for women? The answer is that actually, you probably did as well. So why didn't they make it?

Statistics.

Yes, our old friend from the days of Emperors and Scum has reared its ugly head and come back to haunt the entire nation.

Let's first consider the period that the poll covered: all of time. Since this is too large a time period to be practical for our purposes, let's instead consider music from the 1960's onwards. The 1960's is a good decade to start from, since that's the earliest decade that features in the list. So if all things were fair, then each decade from the 60's would feature 20 times. But nothing's ever fair, and so it's not the case: The 60's & 70's combined come in at about 20% of the entries, the 80's & 00's both feature about 20% each, and the 1990's dominated with over 40% all on its own.

If you were a band in the 60's you were up against the likes of The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, etc. Good luck being remembered, then. So going by our decade-by-decade analysis, women now only have a shot at about 90 spots. The only band with female members from the 70's that comes to mind is ABBA, and that also neatly brings us to the second factor to throw into the fray: The Hottest 100 voter demographic. Do you think a typical voter for the Hottest 100 is going to be a huge fan of something like "Waterloo"? Me neither.

Unfortunately, I can't name any prominent female artists from the 80's. Hell, I struggle to name more than a couple of artists from the 80's anyway without having to resort to Wikipedia, let alone any good songs from the era. So that leaves the 90's and 00's, which equates to about 60 spots. All being fair, they would be split evenly, giving female artists 30 spots on the list, give or take. So where are they?

According to some, the commercial charts. They make music in certain genres that appeals to certain demographics, but nothing that's going to go down in history as The Greatest Song Ever As Voted By People Here and Now Who Might Not Listen to That Sort of Thing Anyway. They're still successful, so they're doing everything right. They just won't make it on to your shortlist.

But what about the ones that will? Like I mentioned, odds are you voted for at least one of these. But which songs did you vote for? Were they the same songs that I voted for? Probably not. And therein is the final heart of the anatomically incorrect beast.

Ask me to name my favourite Sarah Blasko song, and I'd say, "Her cover of Flame Trees. Were you not paying attention at the beginning of this article?" But if I were to ask you what your favourite Blasko song was, you might well name a completely different song. There's no one definitive song that stands out for everyone, and the same goes for a lot of other female artists/bands/etc (and while we're at it, a lot of artists/bands./etc in general). They're all equally good, and so all equally likely to get votes. The votes get split, none of them make the final 100, and the media kicks up a fuss about nothing.

In other words, we shouldn't be panicking. Statistically speaking, a good portion of the list is probably filled with one hit wonders anyway.

A Call To Arms

2009-07-04T10:16:00.002+10:00

Attention, fools!
It is time that we, the people, did something for the community, nay, the WORLD, and I, your ~~noble leader~~ dude that you all seem to listen to for no apparent reason have one particular deed in mind.
Bring this article up to scratch, and you'll be the win. Because a town as terrible as Newcastle NEEDS a page that's at least not filled with irrelevant crap, but rather scathing criticism and thinly veiled truths.
Thanks!
-MGMT.

Reasons to be cheerful

2009-06-27T00:23:00.004+10:00

Well, I imagine that the main reason to be cheerful is that you're not sleeping in what can effectively, and correctly, be called a "Dogs' Nest". Because I am. Ain't life great?

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's once again dive into the mess I've gotten myself into in this "pub", whilst also forming an effective catalogue of illegal practises and other evidence which would get this place shut down in the wink of an eye if it ever fell into the hands of the relevant authorities.

So, why mention a bed/nest? It's my bed, and I must lie in it, right? Well, there are a few other things that may be handy to know. Like the fact that the frame in my bed collapsed in half, because the frame was actually broken before I arrived. Nothing puts me (or my hips) in a good mood like sleeping on a warped surface.

Speaking of broken equipment, let me direct you towards a device called "Henry"

This poor fellow is held together with Gaffer tape and dreams. Terrible, terrible dreams. So please, ladies and gentlemen, remember the Henry's in your life. They need love too, not just more electrical tape.

Right, time for the "There's no way this building would pass an inspection" shootout! We've got some Hott contenders tonight! Let's meet them!

Weighing in at "Amatuer Backyard Blitz Hour", we've got the Men's Toilet! Punters will note a complete lack of in floor drains and leaking urinal pipes. We can also include his wife, "Ladies Toilets"! Like her husband, she's got no drainage, but comes with a layer of permanently wet carpet. What a potent duo! Knock 'em dead, you two!

Coming up from the pits below, we've got the crumble in the jungle: BROKEN FOUNDATIOOOOOOONS

Look out, ladies and gentlemen, keep watching the skies, because this little scamp will be one to put up a good fight! It's... PILLAR SUPPORTS FALLING OUT OF THE CEILINGGGG!

The stealthy fighter lurks in the corners, ready to dispatch any, and all, comers! It's... water leaking through the wall and causing electrical shorts that make the drinks fridge shut off and the disabled toilet's hand dryer suddenly turn on for no reason

This competetor will be a tough one to beat! WHO ELSE DARES COME?

The plucky filth incrusted gas cannisters in various states of repair! Long forgotten by gas companies, these pillars of wonder stand as a testiment to incompetence. That, and they're adheded to the floor by a pool of liquid filth from the cellar

BUT HERE IS OUR CHAMPION! Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Say hello to the terror in the cellar, the chunder from down under, The Open Sewer in the wine cellar. Doesn't sound that bad? Imagine the smell, and the fact that both the lightbulbs have burst down here and the management won't replace them. You can easily fall into this death trap! Will this be the biggest star of the OH GOD awards?

Well. I believe that the real star will be one that cannot be shown with mere photography. I'm talking about Racism (against Blacks, Australians, New Zealanders, South Africans, and anyone else who isn't French or English), Dodgy tax activities(after talking with an agent, he mentioned that my contributions were as if I was earning over $100,000/year, based on the percentages, a complete disinterest in obtaining correct details for tax purposes, including aggressive attacks when details were provided), a total lack of professionalism from Management (taking buisness personally, complaining about having to work, overworking staff, underpaying staff, financially punishing staff for management incompetence, using abusive language around customers, blaming all failings on others, inability to accept responsibility, expecting training to occur via osmosis, trying to justify evenings off after a 9-hour day as time off, zero formal documentation, the opinion that everyone except yourself is "Wrong", etc), a lack of Employer Liability Insurance, no interest in maintainance for staff rooms (windows falling out of stills, doors falling off hinges, etc), and so many other forms of idiocy.

So, why do you stay, I hear you cry. Well, there's a somewhat ok reason for that. Guess who decided to work in the UK when unemployment was at it's highest level in over 50 years?

Alright kiddies, back to the Music Discussion with you!

Wake up and smell the ashes.

2009-06-09T05:38:00.002+10:00

RARRGGH!
Back from the (brain)dead, is Sebble. He HUNGERS.
Roused from his ~~grave~~ dog's nest by the sounds of Lily Allen and Lady Gaga, (and then remembering that he was about to post all his Cardiff trip photos on Farcebook for all his stalkers to look at) he ventures towards the keyboard, to bring you these thoughts...

Hey funksters!
Instead of starving myself further (and being Ultra Ghetto by making more holes in my belt with a broken off aerial, like I did yesterday), I will bring you MOAR content from the ~~sunny~~ ~~cloudy~~ freaking bipolar weather english land. PREPARE YOUR KIDNEYS FOR IMMINENT DISAPPOINTMENT.

There were attempts to find the "Best 10 songs of all time", but that failed. Miserably. The list was 59 songs long (actually, it's really 60, because I counted M4 pt I and II as the same, even though they're different songs), and in my stubbornness, I refused to cull it. Even slightly. Such is the folly of me.

As for the list, it is as follows:

1.Katalyst - Uprock This
2.Salmonella Dub - Problems
3.Resin Dogs - Gunshot Dub
4.Martina Topley-Bird - Sandpaper Kisses
5.Goldfrapp - Ooh La La
6.Goldfrapp - Lovely Head
7.Ladytron - Sugar
8.Amon Tobin - Esther's
9.The Chemical Brothers - Star Guitar
10.David Holmes - Gritty Shaker
11.Gomez - Machismo
12.Gomez - In Our Gun
13.Pendulum - Granite
14.Mr. Scruff - Get A Move On
15.Dynamo Productions - Casbah (The Katalyst Remix)
16.Evil Nine - Crooked (feat. Aesop Rock)
17.The Herbaliser - The Missing Suitcase
18.The Cruel Sea - There's A Chicken In The House
19.Deftones - Minerva
20.Probot - Shake Your Blood (feat. Lemmy)
21.Beck - Rental Car
22.Beck - E-pro
23.Beck - Timebomb
24.UNKLE - Reign (evil Nine Mix)
25.Chris Cornell - You Know My Name
26.FreQ Nasty - Boomin Back Atcha (nu Skool Mix)
27.Fatboy Slim - Right Here, Right Now
28.Fatboy Slim - The Rockafeller Skank
29.TISM - 2pot Screama
30.TISM - (he'll Never Be An) Ol' Man River
31.Dead Kennedys - Night Of The Living Rednecks
32.Dead Kennedys - A Child and his Lawnmower
33.Queens of the Stone Age - Go With The Flow
34.Massive Attack - Antistar
35.Massive Attack - Angel
36.Rik Schaffer - Bloodlines Theme
37.Les Savy Fav - The Sweat Descends
38.Faunts - M4, Pt I & II
39.Frenzal Rhomb - Russell Crowe's Band
40.Frenzal Rhomb - Runaway
41.Powderfinger - Waiting For The Sun
42.Portishead - Sour Times
43.Muse - Stockholm Syndrome
44.Muse - Knights Of Cydonia
45.Faithless - Insomnia
46.Cat Power - The Greatest
47.The Decemberists - O Valencia!
48.The Mountain Goats - This Year
49.Michael Jackson - Billie Jean
50.Motörhead - Ace Of Spades
51.Layo and Bushwacka! - Love Story (Extended Version)
52.The Presets - My People
53.The Presets - I Go Hard, I Go Home
54.Sarah Blasko - Flame Trees
55.The Jimi Entley Sound - Apache
56.The Bees - Chicken Payback
57.Dan Kelly & The Alpha Males - Vice City Rolling
58.Nine Inch Nails - Quake
59.Nine Inch Nails - Wish (Live)
60.The Strokes - Reptilia
61.Kool & The Gang - Jungle Boogie
62.Mr Scruff - Ug
63.Red Hot Chili Peppers - Parallel Universe
64.Trentemøller - Moan (Trentemøller Remix)
65.Fort Knox Five - Rastarollarink
66.Machine Gun Fellatio - Not Afraid Of Romance
67.Machine Gun Fellatio - Unsent Letter
68.Death In Vegas - GBH
69.Death In Vegas - Rekkit
70.Ash - Kung Fu
71.Regurgitator - Kong Foo Sing
72.Regurgitator - I Wanna Be A Nudist
73.Regurgitator - Virtual Life
74.The Killers - Read My Mind (Pet Shop Boys Stars Radio Mix)
75.The Killers - Human
76.McLusky - Without MSG I Am Nothing
77.Augie March - Thin Captain Crackers
78.Augie March - This Train Will Be Taking No Passengers
79.Custom Kings - Rose Pickles
80.Custom Kings - Red Sails
81.The Hives - Abra Cadaver
82.Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
83.Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot
84.Blonde Redhead - 23
85.Buck 65 - Kennedy Killed The Hat
86.Alpinestars - Burning Up
87.Cut Copy - Going Nowhere
88.Janes Addiction - True Nature
89.B(if)tek - Bedrock
90.Bumblebeez - Rkar
91.Wiley - Wearing My Rolex
92.Wiley - Pies
93.pre_shrunk - ***gamer
94.pre_shrunk - kite (The Calculators Mix)
95.New Order - Crystal
96.Blockhead - Carnivores Unite
97.Ash Grunwald - Breakout
98.Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
99.TV On The Radio - Staring At The Sun
100.Pixies - Where Is My Mind?
101.Timo Maas - Pictures (Feat. Brian Molko)
102.Timo Maas - Help Me
103.Soulwax - Much Against Everyone's Advice
104.The Ink Spots - Maybe
105.Bonde Do Role - Office Boy
106.Bonde Do Role - Contaminada
107.Grand National - Cherry Tree
108.The Bird and The Bee - Polite Dance Song

The worst part? The list is Nowhere near finished. There are still so many songs I want to include. I JUST HAVEN'T FOUND THEM IN WINAMP YET.
(ACTIVATE MILDLY GRUMPY PANTS) If you dare, I can give you a comprehensive list of why I like each and every one of these songs, but I'm sure you'd find that boring and you'd all complain. Or I could upload you the songs and noone would get the file because it would be in the ~450MB region. (PANTS POWER DRAINED)
Also, I'll bring you Part 2 of the quest to show how terrible this place is.
LOOK FORWARD.

Well, Have You?

2009-06-03T17:21:00.000+10:00

If you haven't, you'd better have a damn good excuse.

Eurovision Roundup 2009: Wogan's Gone, But The Horror Lives On

2009-05-18T10:44:00.003+10:00

As you can probably guess from the title, the undisputed voice of Eurovision, Terry Wogan, decided to call it quits last year after he felt that the competition had been overrun by political voting, or some such nonsense explaining why England finished poorly. I would have thought he'd give it another shot now that they've re-introduced the jury. But more about all of this later, because we've got a lot to get through before we even reach the actual competition.

For those of you who thought it all began on Friday night, you're very, very wrong. The over-the-top drama of Eurovision actually began back in the middle of March when the organisers of this year's event claimed that Georgia's entry, "We Don't Want to Put In", was anti-Russian and aimed at Russian president Putin. Since political entries aren't allowed in Eurovision, they told Georgia that they could change the lyrics in question or use a different song altogether.

Instead of removing the apparent references to Putin, the people in charge of Georgia's entry (Georgina TV or something) decided to chuck a hissy fit and announced that Georgia wouldn't be competing at all. And to make matters even more childish, they announced towards the end of April that they would be holding their own Eurovision style competition with 15 countries competing.

Counting Down to Eurovision: Previews, Lies, and a Pink Limo

In the days leading up to the main event, there was this nice little three part special called Eurovision Countdown. It previewed the city of Moscow, the arena, and the acts competing. The two hosts of the show drove everywhere in a bright pink stretched limousine. It was every bit as painful on the eyes as it sounds.

To preview each song entering the competition this year, we got a taste of the film clips that go with them. And you thought the songs were bizarre. I'm pretty sure there was also a claim in the second episode that explained how the jury system worked. Never happened. But by far the most puzzling thing about these shows is that they were clearly narrated by Mr Amercian-Accent. Well, except for the last episode, which was in part narrated by Mrs Sort-of-Irish-Sounding-but-Still-Mostly-American-Accent.

Each of the three episodes featured a segment by Dr Eurovision (for those of you who've seen Good Game, think something along the lines of those Wagglemax ads - he even sounds like that guy). He explained what happens in case of a tie for first place, and how to be the spokeperson for your country and read out all the points awarded for each country (or how not to). In his third and final segment, he explained that gimmicks are a Eurovision staple, with a nice tip of the hat to DANCING.

Semi Final 1: Send in the ~~Clones~~ Clowns

For the first time since SBS's failed attempt to send their own representative to Eurovision, they decided to have another crack at it now that Wogan's retired. While the British broadcast (and thus Seb) got Graham Norton, we got Julia Zemiro and comedian Sam Pang (who, in the final, wore shirts saying "Terry Wogan's not doing it this year" and "Yes, we miss him too"). Even they acknowledged that no one can replace Wogan, they still did a remarkably good job.

Semi Final One opened with a story about some kids trying to figure out how to fly. After asking various plants and magic animals, including a freaking magic horse, they figure out that the secret of flight is through song. They risked burning the audience with pyrotechnics to tell us that? Ah well. After being told we could SMS our vote and then trying to figure out how the hell you were expected to text "Bosnia and Herzegovania" in time to lodge a vote for them, we got straight into the action.

Montenegro were first up, featuring someone who looked a bit like Suzie Costello dancing around some guy and an office chair. The song was called something like "Just Get Out of my Head". The lyrics, however, make no sense. The basic idea of the song was ""I love you heaps, so because of that, get out of my life." Eh?

Next up was the Czech Republic entry, whose name is that of a website, and whose act was gypsy rap sung by the disturbing contents of a child's toy box. Belgium entered Elvis, singing into a prop mike (the keen eyed viewer will have spotted the face-mike he was wearing), followed by the most bizarre title card I have ever seen on television: "Round Loaf of Bread".

Then came Belarus. Hair metal fronted by a blonde guy in a white suit. See if you can work that one out. Sweden was let down by the mix of the song, which drowned out the main singer, but she got through to the final anyway, so I'll discuss her act later. Armenia did as well, but I'll mention them now because their act featured yet more clones.

Then we cut to an ad break. I wouldn't normally mention this if it weren't for the fact that one of the ads was about tank collecting. Seriously. It was one of those "Buy this magazine and get some free models and stuff in each one." But for TANKS.

After learning that you can smoke "safely" underneath the stands, we were treated to a girl band from Andora, which was more like a cross between Abba and the Spice Girls than anything else. A clone of the woman who sang for Montenegro sang a duet for Israel, and the obligatory political peace song made it through to the final.

Our first look at the the greenroom proved it was not a greenroom. The greenroom is never green. In this case, it was a bar. Which would explain a lot, actually, because the hosts appeared to get drunker each time we saw them. Bulgaria sang a song called "Illusion". You'd hope there was magic or explosions or something. Prepare to be disappointed, because the only illusions I could see were some guys on stilts and some medieval imagery.

F.Y.R Macedonia only proved what we've alway known: part of Eurovision is stuck in the 80's. At least there was a ghost ship and a ghost dolphin in the background. Elana from Romania was next. I won't say much more about Elana from Romania's act, other than to say Elana from Romania made it through to the final. (I just like saying "Elana from Romania".)

After a few more forgettable and/or winning acts, we finally made it through all 18 songs. And then by pushing a magic button, the hosts made us relive "all the songs we've already seen" again. And then after failing to pad out the remaining 6 minutes, they decided we should watch them all again. Oh, but that only padded out the voting part. Now we had to pad out the vote tallying time. And they did that with an act that had everything Russian except those doll-in-a-dolls. We had an army choir, gypsies, drumming, crazy military drumming, t.A.T.u (the fake lesbians), and a bright pink tank with flowers painted on it.

Wait, what?

Semi Final 2: A Change of Pace With The Slow Death of Comedy

The second evening of the proceedings began with a musical number. And it's not just Eurovision without a bunch of covers of past Eurovision winning songs, is it? We finally got those Russian doll-in-a-dolls on the stage, 24 hours too late to feature where they should have featured. After starting off normally, we suddenly entered the realm of the bizarre, with break-dancing to Abba's Waterloo, followed by six people in bear suits dancing to what I think was last year's winning song. That's right, dancing bears. Thankfully our hosts for the evening had sobered up after last night, because they were sensible enough to try and crack a joke about being thankful the bears weren't real.

The theme of the night was slow yet operatic songs sung in front of a wind machine, preferably (although not always) wearing dark colours like black or blue. Poland, Cyprus, and Slovakia are all guilty of this. Their sentence was not making it through to the final, even though they all tried to spice it up in some way. Poland tried to incorporate ballet and gymnastics with those ribbons, Cyrpus sang about fireflies on glowing white boxes, and Slovakia littered the stage with unnecessary pianos.

Ireland had sobered up after the horrific singing puppet turkey from last year. Unlike last year, the audience liked what they were seeing this year, and what they were seeing was a punk rock band singing a song called "Et Cetera". Unfortunately, like the turkey, it didn't get them through to the final. Probably because the crew had forgotten to turn the wind machine off from all the slow songs and not set off any pyrotechnics.

Latvia sang a song about "Probka", or "traffic jams" for you people who want a translation, yet couldn't explain what specific type of traffic jam he meant when Sam Pang asked him about it backstage. He rambled on about traffic jams of the mind and heart and car. But what just do you rhyme "Probka with"? "Vodka," apparently.

While it's debatably whether the Latvian entry was a "comedic" entry or not, Serbia's entry clearly was. But it only showed that the comedy act suffered badly from the attack by the mental-scar-inducing Irish turkey puppet, and was represented in a diluted, dying form by a guy who looked a bit like Penn from Penn & Teller wearing a yellow jacket and with absurd hair (so absurd that it was hard to tell if it was a wig or not). Sure, it had the obligatory accordian that all Eurovision comedy acts must have, but it didn't have much else.

After our hosts had become drunk again, and the hostess had refashioned her hair to become one of the aliens in disguise from Mars Attacks, we were treated to a 3 and a half minute song introduction from Slovenia, who opened in silhouette form. After a tediously long section in which no lyrics were sung, and in which the instrumentalists came out from silhouette form, the singer decided to stay there until about halfway through the singing bit. And then the song just stopped, only to be followed by a lesson in bad fashion sense by Hungary.

After a few more acts that made it to the final, we were once again treated to the "Start your tank collection today" ad. The stream of acts ended with the Netherlands, who's song was called Shine. Sequinned suits, glowing palms, and back-up singing divas in white. What else did you expect?

After once again failing to pad out the voting time in an entertaining way (yes, all 19 songs were recapped twice this time too), the hosts also failed to once again pad out the vote tallying time. This time we were treated to folk dancing from different countries. No such segment is complete without some good old Zorba, and I have to admit, the Russian folk dancing was rather impressive.

Now, because I didn't cover it in the first semi-final, I'll do so now. Here's how the songs that were going through to the final were revealed: The hosts pushed their magic button again. And again. And again. Once to reveal each song, in fact. Given how they managed to stretch this part of the proceedings out, it's baffling to think that they struggled to pad out the voting and tallying. It was probably the alcohol.

The Final: "Did You Ever Go To A Place... I Think It Was Called Norway?"

Well, odds are you would be next year. They were the favourite to win the final, with betting odds of $1.50. That's a pretty sure bet. But what was their act like, and what was their competition like? This year, in order to stamp out "political voting" the organisers of the competition decided to make the scoring system even more complicated by re-instated the jury, who gets a say on where points go. Beyond that, I've got no idea how it works.

Before we got to figure out whether Norway would win, we were treated to a (shock horror) sensible opening act featuring Cirque du Soleil. After honouring the Eurovision tradition of featuring last year's winning song performed by a guy on wires doing acrobatics, we were introduced to the new, sensible, sober hosts. Sam Pang summed it up best when he said "It's sad when they get hosts who know what they're doing, isn't it?"

Mercifully, we didn't have to put up with them for too long, and we finally got the opportunity to figure out whether betting on Norway is a good idea. Lithuania performed magic, since the piano he was playing kept making sounds after he got up, and then he set him palm on fire. (Sort of.) France gave as a cabaret singing corpse, and Spain gave us what she would have looked like if she was alive, with a bonus magic trick that was incredibly easy to figure out.

There's always a rule that Sweden enters Abba into the Eurovision Song Contest. This year, instead of enetering Abba, they entered one of the members of Abba singing Popera (that's pop fused with opera). Croatia proved that you can't do Eurovision without an act that involves slow, overacting movements and a wind machine.

Germany gave as someone with an American accent singing about something other than happiness and joy for once: a big band swing number, silver pants, and Dita Von Teese. The real Dita. Not a Eurovision clone. Portugal gave us something along the lines of what Germany usually enters.

The other real-life cameo of the night went to England, who were desperate not to come last again. So they gave us a Whitney Housten look-a-like accompanied by the real-life Andrew Lloyd Weber. Denmark gave us a Ronan Keating look-a-like singing a normal country song.... until the pyrotechnics.

The closest thing to an Australian entry at Eurovision was Greece, because two of the song writers were Australian. And they know the golden rule for a Eurovision song: It must feature a key change. I only hope that it wasn't choreographed by Australians, because that would be something to be ashamed of. It was like Ricky Martin doing disco.

Russia gave me false hope. She looked damn fine in the interview on Eurovision Countdown, but on the night the song fell flat, and she looked like Catherine Zeta Jones had just woken up, thrown a towel around herself, and was about to have a shower. Turkey got through to the final on sex-appeal, by doing what they always do: belly dancing.

Estonia was fronted by an Emily Browning look-a-like who also played violin. "Part voice, part fringe" as Sam put it. In keeping with the movie-star-look-a-likes-who-can-play-also-play-violin theme, Norway gave as a Zac Effron look-a-like singing an upbeat folk song that would be more appropriate for Ireland. You're singing for the wrong country Zac!

Ukraine and Albania went for a different theme: bizarre costumes that have nothing to do with your song. Ukraine sang a dance floor number about Valentine's (which for some reason later morphed into "anti-crisis girl"), but if you can explain to me what giant cogs and dancing Roman centurions have to do with that, you're doing better than the rest of us. But Albania takes the cake by giving us a peek at what Nikki Webster's career could have been like: singing in a pink tutu with two vampire mimes and a human disco ball thing whose meaning is never explained.

As usual, if you're like me, you don't bother sticking around for the voting, and once proceedings are over you look up who won on the official website. Or, as was the case this year, stumble across the result while searching Wikipedia trying to figure out how to spell "Zemiro". And the winner? Lets' just say that Norway's gamble to please the High School Musical crowd paid off, giving them the win with a "record breaking" score of 387. Iceland came second with 218.

So to everyone who bet on Norway: Congratulations, you've hardly made any money at all.

Reasons for Advice from Friends

2009-05-15T04:49:00.012+10:00

Sometimes, when you are saying your bittersweet goodbye to good friends outside a train station, something they say will stick in your mind. This time, it was Sarah's words that stuck with me

Find a new job and place before you get Hepatitis, ok?

Despite having shots to protect against such a thing before departing, I now strive to achieve such a lofty goal.
This is all very confusing, allow me to bring you up to speed...

This is where I work for (at least) 45 hours a week. Behind a bar. Not so bad, right? I mean, you meet plenty of interesting characters, such as a racist football hooligan who calls his dog "Nigger" (the dog looks happy and wags its' tail), the illiterate, the people who will only drink one thing, the confused tourists, and the insanely self-opinionated. Overall, not a bad crowd.
Let's dig a little deeper...

Here's the cellar/sewer/laundry. This place is such an enormous fire-hazard, I'm surprised I haven't been immolated yet. That white stuff on the floor doesn't come off. Believe me, I've tried. I think it's a stalagmite of soap powder, but I could be wrong.
This is what's right next to those aging whitegoods. An open sewer with a steady flow (and backflow) of spilt beer and filth.

Here's the sink that resides next to the washing machine and the Icebox. See that brownish tint on the bottom? That's not a mirror shine. That's a filth I don't dare touch. I think it's growing.
Let's step outside and see what's going on in the neighbourhood!

It's exactly what it looks like.

Final stop on the tour of terror is.. the most horrid of all.
The Staff "Bathroom":

To clarify, that's orange mould/bacteria/virii on the walls, there's a black trail of something, (appears to be blood), and the sink is about to fall through the rotten countertop.
And this is after I cleaned it up. Imagine it before. Yeah.
So, what do I think about playing Exotic Disease Roulette everytime I have a shower?
Yeah. Feel the love.

The Law of Conservation of Relationships

2009-05-07T16:50:00.003+10:00

For any social group whose size remains constant over time, the average number of people within this group who are in a relationship will also remain constant over the same period of time.

Discuss.

More of the Paranormal, According to YouTube

2009-05-02T17:09:00.000+10:00

Since the first post seemed to entertain you skeptics so much, I decided to hit YouTube for another round of dodgy video "proof".

More UFOs and Aliens

There's nothing quite like run of the mill UFO footage. For the uninitiated, let's take a moment to consider what a run of the mill UFO video is made up of:
- Distant light moving in "strange" ways.
- Multiple witnesses who are either so speechless they can only go "woah" or are so excited that they can't stop talking in ludicrous exaggerations like "this is end of the world type shit".
- Shaky, amateur handheld footage zoomed in so far they lose sight of it every ten seconds.

What could be better than that? How about TWO lots of shaky, amateur handheld footage? Even with two shaky cameras in roughly the same location, it's difficult to tell what it is. Who'd have thought?

Run of the mill alien footage seems to be something we've encountered before. Remember that video with those idiots going outside to find whatever was peering in their window, and then running away? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a new group of people doing exactly the same thing. You can either watch the 35 second short version where they get freaked and run, or you can watch the full 5 and a half minute version that includes all the explanations and build up while they wait for darkness to fall.... and also a sped up game of ping pong accompanied by the song "Banana Phone".

Here is a video of some traffic police in pursuit of some strange lights. Now, I'm going to let you watch this video once (without reading the comments, please) so you can come to the same conclusion that everyone else does.....

Finished? Think they were chasing the lens flare in the windshield, do you? Wrong! According to one of the comments, apparently they were chasing that small white light on the horizon that's only visible for half the shot. So yeah, either they were probably chasing a plane, or some idiot has posted some highway patrol footage on YouTube out of context.

Monsters

Let's venture somewhere we didn't go last time, and take a look at monsters. The great thing about videos of "monsters" is that they're usually just some normal, harmless animal in an unusual light. Or crap CGI. A perfect example of the former is this video of a "monster" caught on CCTV footage running across a highway. Yes, Britain is running rampant with dogs or deer or something.

But, if it isn't an alien, then there seems to be a trend on YouTube to call it Chupacabra with no regard to how the legend actually describes Chupacabra. The Wikipedia entry on the creature describes it as either a lizard like creature, or some sort of dog. All I know is that it does not look like this. While Britain is running rampant with highway invading deer, the U.S. is being invaded by warthogs masquerading as Chupacabra.

A.... What is That Meant to Be, Exactly?

This video says it's a fallen angel in Catalonia. They don't speak English in it but don't worry, it's subtitled. (In Spanish.)

This video raises a lot of questions. If it's an angel, then why did you run away from it? Why didn't it say "Be not afraid?" Wait, why were you even in the forest at night in the first place snooping around?

So, what is it? There are a lot of instances of this clip on YouTube. Some claim it's chupacabra, and you might find one touting even more possibilities by asking whether it's an angel, an alien, or even gollum. So which on is it? Chupacabra? A fallen angel? An alien? Gollum?

Or maybe it's, oh I don't know, a malnourished homeless man eating a bird?

So Seb, What have you been up to?

2009-04-25T03:57:00.002+10:00

Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like.
There was even a daring escape.
Life is good... when I'm not working.

Facebook: A (Hopefully) Comical Rant

2009-04-23T21:20:00.000+10:00

Alternative titles I was playing around with were things like "Reasons Why I Hate Facebook", "Some Reasons Why I'm Not on Facebook", and so on. I think you get the picture of where this post is going.

Security, Part 1:

Apparently Facebook is being targeted by naughty boys and girls who like to write malicious software and distribute it using social engineering techniques. This is a minor quibble, since Santa Claus will deal out justice to those people in due course. But I'd rather not have to deal with it in the first place.

Security, Part 2:

I hear that when you first sign up, your profile is available for everyone in the World of Facebook to view. Sure, you can fix this by changing the security setting, but if it announces my full name to the world immediately, without my permission, and without even telling me it was doing it (like it was when I somehow managed to accidentally sign up for Windows Live Spaces or whatever the hell it was), then that can't be a good thing. Ever.

The only thing going for Facebook so far is that you can't sign up accidentally.

At least, I don't think you can.....

Content:

I hear you can sell people and buy people. In the midst of the current financial crisis, this can not be a good investment. Nor can it set a good example. I also hear you can become a vampire and bite people, or some such. Again, not a very good case of example setting, and probably only a good way to meet Twilight fans, of which I am not. I doubt all the other stuff you can do to people is any better if you apply real world logic.

There's also these Facebook Group thingies, the general rule of which seems to be "The name of the group must be at least 60 words long, be super-specific, and sound stupid." And they all sound pointless. The "I secretly want to punch people who walk slowly in the back of the head" group is a prime example, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was a "I like to walk backwards for 37 minutes every Saturday morning" group. What's the point? What do these groups actually do? They can't really talk about the subject of their group because they've said most of they need to say in the super-long title. There's only so many other things you can say about walking backwards for 37 minutes every Saturday morning, and the stuff you can say is about as interesting as "Nice weather." (It wouldn't surprise me if there was a "Nice weather" group too.)

And that brings us neatly to the real killer: the conversations that take do place, anywhere in the midst of Facebook. Bob once mentioned his arse in an argument, claimed that it was due to logical progression, and therefore legitimate conversation. If Bob can mention his arse, I do not want to imagine what other people are capable of talking about. Such things should never be written/typed, said, implied, sent via Morse code, signed in any form of sign language, or (God forbid) drawn/photographed. I don't want to ever have to read stuff like that. I'd rather not be reduced to tears, thank you very much.

Reputation:

Let's face it, all social networking sites have had their reputations soiled by several things..... Alright, one thing: MySpace. From the stereotypical people who use it and their ability to torture the English language, to the page layouts that made a trip to the optometrist mandatory, it dominated the social networking scene and adopted a scorched Earth policy at the same time. The social networking landscape will never be the same again.

It's Not Efficient:

Everyone who I want to give out my contact details to already has them. If you've already got them, why do I need to tell you all what they are again? And why do I need to sign up to some service to do that?

And even then, it seems to me that you all only seem to be using it as a glorified messaging service to tell people about your next party. You're still not being efficient because you've still got to tell the people who aren't on Facebook (e.g. Me) by Some Other Means. So why not use that Some Other Means in the first place? Wouldn't that be easier? I mean, I'd still have to sign in to Facebook in order to see all this stuff, whereas if you just emailed me, it's in my Inbox ready to go.

"But Lambie, You Can Have All Those Alerts Emailed To You!"

Oh, so it can spam me with notifications, can it? Brilliant.

I won't ask why you can't just cut out the middle man (or should that be middle face?) and just email everyone, once, with the notification they need. I suspect the answer will dismay me.

You All Seem to Hate It Anyway:

No, really. Every time Facebook is even brought up, it always seems to be about how you all hate it and don't know why you use it. "It crashes my laptop if I leave it open and put the screen down." "I don't want my details spread out to everyone in the world." "I don't care if it's some guy's birthday who I went to high school with. Stop telling me." Sound familiar? All those quotes came from Time Magazine's Person of the Year for 2006. (You.)

No one's actually managed to give me a convincing argument as to why I should be using it. All I see and hear is reasons why I shouldn't.

Against my better judgement, I present this....

2009-04-10T08:19:00.004+10:00

Hey Peoples!
In a series of increasingly stupid dares with myself, I've been attempting the emulation of the (amazingly excellent) A Softer World, and so, I present to you, some fan arts of sorts.

Normally, I'd ask you not to call the police, but I think I fear a visit from Joey more than anything the autorities can do. That man will punch you in the penis.

Hearts & Minds

2009-04-07T19:27:00.004+10:00

Congratulations, London. You've won me over. Sure, you've got absolute tripe on the TV, the prices on everything are predominantly huge, and the level of security and paranoia is frightening, not to mention that the police will stop you in the street for looking out of place, and travelling around is a nightmare.
Yes, inspite of all your ills, you have won me over.
This is how.

You've got Pvt. Hudson's Armour.

A Message From the Caretaker

2009-04-02T15:00:00.000+11:00

Let's face it. While Seb's gone, the blog won't be quite the same. However, let me reassure you for the umpteenth time that this does not mean there will be no updates at all while he is gone. I will continue to give you new content whenever I can, but I can't guarantee that it will be as frequent as Seb's offerings.

In other words, you've got no excuses to stop checking this place for updates. After all, if Seb does end up posting something you'd miss it, wouldn't you?

And let's not forget that Eurovision is just around the corner....

Stay tuned!

END_OF_LINE

2009-03-30T16:14:00.004+11:00

Hey fellow fools, since the economy crashed, and crashed harder than running my computer on a 40 degree day with no airconditioning (Read: The GPU overheats and turns off, and won't turn back on until you turn off the computer and let it have a good hard think about WHAT IT HAS DONE), the costs of living and such have risen through the roof, and, on the advice of my "accountant" (a shrivelled up moth in a jar), I am liquidating assets and fleeing the country for greyer pastures. London is calling, and it's telling me that I can now be the ultimate cheapskate by not watching TV because you have to pay for it over there. Woo! Also Colour is too expensive these days, so I'm going back to Monochromatic Vistavision, instead of the expensive Technicolour. The wonders!
So! Whatever is to happen to this, the dead-end of the Internet? Well, I suppose that you might get some more postings from I, but I wouldn't put your house on it, or you'd get forclosed. Just wait and see, is the official line.
Until further Notice, I leave the blog in the hands of Lambie, to do with as he sees fit.

GAME OVER

CONTINUE? (10)

Depth charging the abyss

2009-03-08T19:00:00.007+11:00

Unfortunately for all those involved, there were still more horrors to be unearthed. Tales of lessons long since lost to the mists of time, references to "in-jokes" (with myself, unfortunately), and what some are interpreting as an unadulterated stream of consciousness. These could be considered the staple of such arcane scribblings.
Of course, there are the occasional exceptions to these rules.

This incredibly archaic find appears to predate the previously shown "Year 9 Diary", which is an almost unheard of occurrence. Note the savage and untamed flow of the epic tale, divided into chapters to prolong some semblance of logic and progression. The shear power behind the writing indicates to us that the author must have worked himself into a furor, similar to the berserker viking warriors, cackling madly as he butchered the rules of literature without abandon.

Moving on, here we see a rare example of a completely intact title page! The fact that the vast majority of our finds are constrained to a 2cm wide section of the page further highlights the importance of this work. While we revel in it's colour, we see reference to a historic event, which some of the academies more enthusiastic researchers refer to as the "47 Pags = $940" night. The common consensus is that this event occurred back in the completely undocumented time known as "Schoolies", but most stories heard today must be taken with a grain of salt, as the ravages of repetition of generational story-telling have warped some versions of this tale beyond recognition.

In this article (a rare example, as it is also not confined to the "2cm regions"), there are two main areas of interest. The first is a comparison of two historical figures, believed to be father and son. While most works reference the elder as a Walrus, here we witness a burst of unbridled creative spirit, as the artist has chosen fruit over mammals. Deeper meanings to be drawn from this startling find are being feverishly discussed, and the academy is expected to release the results in 8-16 months. The second item of interest comes from the female form, which some say represents a "Lilith"-like figure. Some have identified her as the threat sleaze poses to self esteem, or the danger of false identity. Others simply say she is a drug-fueled slag illustrated to draw attention and ridicule. The truth? We may never know.

In a much celebrated return to form, precious scribblings were found once again, creating a great deal of 'excitement' (read: Terrified wailing and howling) for the archivist whom located the aforementioned text! References to music, culture, and everyday life litter these columns. They give us a glimpse of many things, including Science, which was only available to the mass media via "Brainiac" in those days. Dark days, when Richard Hammond was referred to as a sniveling little twerp, it is whispered, rather than the People's Champion he is known as today. Parallels may be drawn between him and Robin Hood, who's reputation amongst the people similarly mutated over time, until the early days were long forgotten to most.

The above image has been enlarged in order for some of the finer details to be examined. It is believed to be one of the few remaining documented Year 12 Physics scriptures left in existence. Further speculation on the nature of this strange work is underway as of present.

In this collage, we see the work of several periods combined into one, which oddly enough, does not contextualize the work, nor alter it's meanings. This page seems to be fueled by ennui and rage. Let us not dwell upon it too heavily, lest we end up with the rumoured "Tourettes Column".

While the previous collage held many stories and tales, this image contains some of the earliest known images of "The Toaster", a near-mythical being who sees into the dark hearts of men, and knows what you are up to. This moral compass is still in use today by some prominent scientists. Also of interest in this collection are what appears to be visual learning aids for probability and chance, despite the maths being lost to time, the concept of the problem is still obtainable, and has been left to the reader as an exercise.

On this page, we see the tale of "Karyn Vs. CAT5 REPAIR FANCIER", a tale of torment and suffering. Due to apparent size restrictions, the complete version of this tale would not have been recorded here, as the number of CAT5 fanatics was both overpowering and too horrifying to be fully committed to paper, it is said. We also see reference to a meat-based feast, or at least the planning of. While some details about the actual event still remain, these appear to be alternative suggestions for the event! Such a rare find! We also find a tale of blundering upon these pages, in an incident known to an educated few as "Scooby Doo with Sodomy". The rest of the tale has, unfortunately, been lost to time.

In our final exhibit, we have a large collection of pieces, spanning all of the "University-Era". Of interest is the heroic tale of the "Cuz", and his noble plans for his nonadecannual celebration. Stirring tales of chivalry, indeed! The remainder of the work can be entered into on extended detail at request, as can any of the other works.
I humbly seek your forgiveness,
Snr. Fratosaur Esq.
Boog Div.

Trawling the oceans of horror

2009-03-06T16:30:00.012+11:00

After digging through layers and layers of school, uni, and god-knows what else papers (due to the "I want your room, get out of my house"-esque cleanings that also caused me to catch diseases which have died out completely on the rest of the planet), I found several "gems" of interest. As for the kind of interest, I'd say that most of it was perverse curiosity about what kind of shite ends up in my work books. Let's just say that the end products sometimes need to be seen to be believed...

Here we see a historical record of a stand in substitute science teacher, known as "Hargraves". This ineffectual mentor has been immortalised for the ages, as was his effect upon those classes he oversaw. Mister Hargraves, we shall never forget you.

From here, we venture into a world more terrifying and unknowable than the great old cold one, C'thulhu: It's the remains of a Year 9 diary. This ancient tomb contains arcane and forbidden knowledge, and has been foolishly reproduced below.

Tremble in fear at the true face of Craig David, an RnB artist lost to time, we also need to heed the dire warnings of eggs & fruit.

The universally recognised Skull and Crossbones here serves as a warning to all who would venture into these waters, with the dainty hat as a potential homage to the village green preservation society, as they are the true face of evil. If we can draw our gaze away from the visual warning, and ponder the text on this page. The apparently life affirming farming motto should be presented to parliment as a way to revitalise the agriculture community through a school apprenticeship program. Or perhaps Villain Van Gobble is the real answer.

Here is a brightly coloured page, which warns potential predators of its' extreme poisonous nature. Even through digitisation, the maximum viewing time should not exceed 0.5 seconds, as this is the time required to reach your yearly acceptable dosage of Fluro Texta. We should at least be thankful that a protective flap has been installed to shield our eyes from the scene most profane. The cave-painting like scrawling tells of an epic battle between history teacher and her students (and her car keys), and let the word go out: Those who forget history are doomed to be hit in the face with sharp metal objects.

The overall message of this page is mixed. Perhaps the true nature of this page is to simply be penultimate in a terrible story. Or it could simply be about heavily armed seals.

It appears that the former assumption on the former image was the correct one. As for the moral of this tale, it appears that we will have to settle with "EH?". Of interest to the reader on this particular page is not the inclusion of the paranoia, but the mention of the now published MacDeath. I wasn't lying when I said it was 7 years in the making, now was I?

Here we see a tale of a great deception, and battle. A costume party, of man in elaborate baking cloth versus Wangi Rat. We also see a stirring critique of the impact that over analysis of literature can have on malleable young minds, viz: "English Blows Donkeys".

Here, we see the recording of an event that shaped the Western Hemisphere like no other. Unfortunately, we will have to settle for this "on site" recording of September 1211, complete with crude reproduction, without fear of censorship. Also, advice for the younger generation about the potential damage to the bulbourethral glands, the spermatic plexus, and the paminiform plexus, especially when encountering several vibrations and shock. A warning to the cermastic muscle, and those who would disregard its importance.

In this piece, we see the culmination of 9 months of a school year. The messenger appears to us in a technicoloured vision. He is a man of remarkable physique and stature, towering above the pettiness of trivial matters such as Sport and Education, but instead represents an übermensch of sorts, a higher form of human, a goal for humanity to strive for, after the rejection of slave-master morality. Further evidence in support of this hypothesis are the words present above this icon, which empower the reader to break free from his cage (Microsoft Excel Spreadsheets) to his ultimate freedom (some sort of 3D game hidden in the code which bloats out the software by a few megs). Thus Spoke Zarathustra!

After reaching an epiphany in the previous entry, we may fast-forward 5 years. Here we see a page which may be familiar to some more astute readers. While not as inspirational as some of the earlier works, it still holds merit. Would we not be lost, for instance, without the terrible result of combining our avian ally with gluten-based foodstuffs? I seriously doubt our world would be in it's current state without this knowledge. We also see reference to the return of Batman, but how powerful an effect this will have on future generations is yet to be seen. This brings us to the final page in our Diary series...

Present on these pages is, perhaps, one of the finest, biting social commentaries on the Harry Potter phenomenon known to the world. Simply titled "QUIDDICH", it demonstrates how with simple substitution of hair colour, hats, and a few textas, any 3 males and accompanying lady can recreate any of the 7 Harry Potter books in an effective manner. When you are reading these tales to your grandchildren, remember this addendum, as it will enrich your family for generations. Or, potentially, the dangers of being a journalist.
Speaking of dangers, prepare thyselves for one of the most shocking images ever placed upon this blog. We are proud to present a collage of margins from a text entitled "Digital Comms". Many researchers died to bring us this, let their sacrifice not be in vain.

On such a terrible note, I must leave you, as the hour draws late. I prey that such terrible revelations do not keep you from dreams most rancid.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Fratosaur,
Boog Division.

CHALLENGE 1.5 (Another Miserable Failure?)

2009-03-01T16:03:00.004+11:00

Right Funkers, here's a thing I drew up last night. I would have posted it then, but since my laptop died in a horrible way, I didn't, so ~~suck it down~~ let's get on with it!

It's a true story, at least the Coke part is, and the School concert part. It turns out that musicianship counts for nothing when you're covered in sugary syrup. At least it was according to Wobbs.
And speaking of people that you've never heard of before (well, most of you), I'll let you figure out why you all deserve this achievement...

The Paranormal, According to YouTube

2009-02-13T14:56:00.006+11:00

The great thing about technology is that those of artistic merit have access to all wonder of tools and gadgets to create spectacular, CGI-laden videos. And let's face it, the end result can look pretty good.

The great thing about YouTube is that it proves there are also people who don't have these resources, but try anyway. For every pretty looking, CGI-created UFO, you get 60 dodgy people in alien masks pulling pranks and not owning up.

UFOs and Aliens

There's an argument that only attention seekers, weirdos, and idiots claim to see UFOs or aliens. I'm going to assume you understand why attention seekers and weirdos are on that list, but not so much idiots. Once you see the proof, you'll understand.

First, there's this video demonstrating how to act (or not) when you see an alien. What do you do when you see an alien outside? You run outside screaming "What the hell!? What the hell?! Did you see that?!". What do you do when you see it again while you're outside? You do the exact opposite and run away, defeating the point of running out there in the first place.

Actually, that seems to be about right, because these people do the exact same thing. Only they don't just run, they "RUN! RUN! RUN!" If you're not laughing by the end of those 30 seconds, there's something seriously wrong with you.

A limited vocabulary also seems to be an important requirement to set yourself up for a potential sighting. "Woah! Woah! Woah! Holy mackerel!" should do nicely. Bonus points if you can see Venus and point it out in this video. Based on his description of where the object is in relation to Venus and his framing of the shot, I'm pretty sure you can't.

Ghosts

Ghosts are supposed to be scary. Therefore, it follows that videos of ghosts are supposed to be scary. I give you the "scariest" ghost video of all time. No, really! It pretty much says so in the description!

It's a pity that for a video evidently labelled as part two of a series, I've not yet come across part 1. (You can easily find part 3, which is only marginally better.) Even more shameful is that this footage of a pantry door opening a few times has gathered over 2 million hits. Let your head work that out.

Other people are scared by a recording of maniacal laughter that wouldn't seem out of place coming out of a child's action figure doll, followed by the appearance of a.... cardboard cut-out of.... something.

For some extra fun, try finding a video of someone pretending to be a ghost by draping a white sheet over themselves. That wasn't too hard, was it? Now try finding one that isn't lame. When you do, let me know.

Witches

Yes, witches... Okay, one flying witch. (I hope you speak Spanish.)

Wait, what do you mean it's a balloon?

THE FIRST CHALLENGE

2009-02-09T21:36:00.003+11:00

... ~~is to build a road from the start to the finish line~~ um, it's to tell a STORY in 10 minutes. My effort is available below. It is far from accurate, but could be mundane enough to entertain.

WHO DARES ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE?

Mauled in the Ball

2009-01-27T21:36:00.007+11:00

I recently asked myself a question: What can change the nature of a man? Love? Hatred? Power? Greed? Betrayal? Death? Regret? Age? Suffering? Success? No, my answer was Torment. And so begins another sorry postmortem dissection of an event. Except this time I was a willing victim. God save us all.

The event in question is colloquially known as the "Ball in the Mall", or "Wear the same suit as everyone else and have cockroaches crawl all over you while you die on the inside to a poor rendition of Brown Eyed Girl, as played by a 3 piece band approximately 10 metres from your table. Activities for an event such as this include (but are by no means limited to) Eating sub-bowling club meals, Freezing, Going to sleep, and *ahem* dancing.
Now, call me an anachronism if you will, but when people say "Ball", I think "Yeah, now we're gonna kick it 18th Century Style Boyeee!", complete with the mini orchestra and graceful timing (although I'm sure that Jess can attain that I am a little rusty on the moves). That said, I did come 3rd in the year with Brioney Sherrell back in the P.E. Ballroom Dancing Dance-off. Not too bad out of about 80 couples. It's all about 2 people knowing each other well enough to do the thang on the dance floor while looking suitably impressive. Smashing into everyone in the vicinity is also an option. You'll get noticed either way, trust me.
Believe it or not, kiddles, we actually have some live footage from the scene. Let's cross to our roving reporter, situated out the front of an abandoned jewelery store... ME.

Now, I do believe that the phrase being uttered there is "It's like a party every day". Scintillating stuff! Thanks Me!

Dashing, as always.

Since mere photographic material cannot capture the true nature of the other patrons at this event, I shall leave you with a common sight everywhere in Maitland, and indeed, Mauled in the Ball. This is simply known as Chicken Fillets.
Enjoi.
(OH GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I DREW THAT ARGH)

Gosh.

2009-01-18T23:10:00.004+11:00

***LOG ENTRY BEGINS***
9:02PM - I've barricaded myself in. The door is sandbagged. No one can know what I will attempt tonight...

(2 hours later, Seb was found screaming something about a high score table that didn't save, leaving no proof of his "amazing skills", and tracking down a man who wrote a terrible program in 1987. This man had asked for $15US as a token of appreciation for his coding efforts. Seb went looking for blood, but instead found the sad(?) story of a pinball repair man who couldn't. Rage deflected into Pity. SCORE.)

***ENTRY TERMINATED***

Plagurism Korner!

2009-01-16T13:41:00.002+11:00

Hey funksters!
Here's a little thing that's been bothering me for quite some time, the appropriate files can be found here. The contents of the file are a copy of a track from the computer game Half-Life (1998), and a song from that Cat Empire spin-off, Jackson Jackson (2007). Maybe it's because I've been out of my mind for the last year, but it only just occurred to me now that this is VERY NAUGHTY.

Unless it's a coincidence, in which case I take it all back.

OR DO I?

Warning: Contains Disturbing Content

2009-01-15T23:58:00.002+11:00

OH GOD WHY?
Why am I still wearing a hat circa Midnight? SOMETHING IS WRONG.

WE INTERRUPT THIS POGRAMME

2009-01-14T13:25:00.003+11:00

Well, it turns out that the heat has addled my brain. Or maybe it's the fact that a typical lunch for me these days involves me lounging the swimming pool in a bucket hat, drinking beers & eating pizza. BRAINS HAVE BEEN SOFTENED, MINDS HAVE BEEN MUSHED. It's time to remedy this, like a nuclear bomb remedies your face.
So, let us flick through the terrible book of woe to discover what events can be dissected for the "entertainment" of "others".
We begin with a series of nasties that occurred some time ago. My brother invited this old school friend over to have some "laffs" and maybe do a little bit of work on the car. Dude rocks up, with a mystery woman in tow, no explanation of why or who, just brings this chick into the house. My brother notes that this friend has apparently reversed his "Asians are (Insert Racism)" policy and is now "Asian Chicks Only", but can shrug this off due to the fact that this friend may be a better person now, which seems like a fair enough assumption, right?
NO. This guy borrowed my brother's car, put a nice sized scratch in the side, and then neglected to inform him of it, all while my brother was wasting his time on the wired-like-a-rat-nest cabling of this "friend's" car. So, uninvited guests and treachery abound.
STOP! 4th Wall Time!
You: "Seb, this isn't the LOLS"
Seb: "Patience, precious, it is coming. yesssss"
REWIND SELECTOR! Pres Butan
Right, so we were playing the Mario Twins, then suddenly the mystery woman (who was revealed to be called "Snow") exclaims, in a very high pitched and squeeky voice "SICKS!". This was followed up with a slideshow of how to use a Wiimote in a manner it would void it's warranty and the chance of you ever being allowed out in public again. It seemed at that moment, the our minds finally snapped, and I gained a new reason not to post on the blarg. Either that, or maybe my mind has just completely snapped due to having nothing to really do until April. Yeah, think about that.

Alternatively, it could be because I somehow managed to spend 9-15 hours a day playing Fallout 3 for about 7 days in a row. That does things to your mind.
Sorta like playing Guitarzan Hero for 3 minutes will do, although with less plastic guitar and more slow motion colour-drained shots of exploding cockroaches and other things that go "pop-splat-squelch" in the night.
I think that should do for now, my brain is getting tired from all this HARD WORK. Time to go back to what I do best.

Man, I suck at this as much as I do at Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit.

Whoops

2009-01-09T15:57:00.002+11:00

It turns out that in order for there to be new content on this thing, I've apparantly got to type things or, even worse, come up with original content. God forbid.
Anyways, maybe it's the fact that I got lazy and stupid because I left uni to do... things.
Hmm.
Gimme a few hours....

Seb's Inferno

2008-11-25T15:34:00.013+11:00

***MISSION LOG BEGINS***

Hey Twitters!

Today, we'll be returning to some of the sights, sounds and smells of Maitland and "Surrounds", possibly in the style of Dante's Inferno. The general atmosphere required for reading this can be achieved by activating "Left 4 Dead" cinematics, thus giving us our view of the town (taken from the old hill where they used to hang people. No, I'm not joking.).

So, as we proceed into town, we come to a Willow'd Glade. At least it could be called that if it wasn't full of Cow Manure and, ahem, Literature.

The closer we proceed into the town, the more obvious our decent into hell has truely begun. We're no longer in Penthouse Limbo, but are now in the realm of Signpost Punishment, as we observe below:

"But Seb, these Signs have merely been poorly maintained! Where's the REAL MEAT?"
Here it is:

Proceeding past our Signpost Hell, we move into a more disturbing world. Maitland's Premier Petrol Station. Not simply content with being open Mon-Fri 9-4, and no other times (And shut on Wednesdays once a month), they've gone up a whole other level of Inconvenience, and have traded in Petroleum Based Fuels for the "Traditional" fuels, the fools:

Do you remember "The Magic"? Did you wonder of the beast contained within? One that I dared not capture, for fear of my sanity and soul? Well, turns out I was feeling lucky, punk. Here it is, in all of it's unholy glory:

Don't think getting this picture was easy, either. Because nothing works in this town, the sign on the Hovel housing this beast had the following warning strung on it's automatic doors:

I felt a deep urge in my stomach to run, to escape the terror, to get out of this hell, and sprinted across the Styx-ian river to the "Upper Class" side of town. What I saw there was not particularly reassuring.

It had to be a trick! The town seemed "Posh", but there was something wrong, it had to be a deception. Maitland is like Cancer. You can dress it up as "Mutant Powers" all you want, but that doesn't change the true effect it has on you. Rounding a corner, I saw all the evidence I'd ever need.

You can run away to Lorn, but you can't run away from Maitland. Rich people just leave nicer things out on the street for the rain to get into.
There was nothing to see beyond Lorn. It was a desert. I sighed, and resigned myself to the fact that I would have to return to Maitland.
In there, the deception continued. I stumbled upon an apparently family friendly locale

I walked into the door, the first item I saw was a Pinata in the shape of a Phallus. I Left.
Further Evidence of poor signage lurked around, but this was not that outer circle of Hell I had passed, it was just the idiocy seeping down into a deeper layer

The deeper I went, The more terrible things became. It was as if Nature itself had begun to mock me, creating pale imitations of the real world, dashing my hopes for Deus Ex Machina.

However, in this pit of Hopelessness, I came across a small becon of hope. A sign directing me to an Ecological Walk. Perhaps there is hope for us all, I thought

I began the trail, seeing what beautiful sights I could gaze upon...

Hmm, maybe it's around the corner...

NO! BETRAYED! BETRAYED BY THE SIGNAGE! I know that the nature lies beyond here, somewhere. It must. IT PROMISED ME NATURE! IT DELIVERED ME "Go Away or I'll Shoot You In The Face With My 12 Gauge". Defeated, I turned to leave.
Then I saw it.

This is the nature I was promised. This was the Redemption! It was my "Get out of Gaol Free" card for Soul Redemption. It was the oldest Cockatoo I've ever seen.
I cheered! Surely I must no longer be in Maitland! I have escaped! I drove down the road a little bit, but was then confounded by a sign I had never seen the likes of before...

I panicked! I was still in Maitland, somehow! I ran back towards the Cockatoo, only to come face to face with (I'm not joking about this one)

***MISSION LOG UNEXPECTEDLY TERMINATED***
***SYSTEM SHUTTING DOWN***

Post Mortem:

"Seb, was that seriously a Murder House?"
Apparently! Since I can't afford the fact-checking skills of my bitter website rivals at Christianity Today, I tend to rely on either old fashion "Street Smarts", or, if I couldn't be bothered routing electrical energy to certain parts of my brain, that Bastion of Truth, Wikipedia. Yeah, Wiki. The same people who bought you such classics as "Steve Irwin is dead LOLLOL" "STEVE IRWIN WAS KILLED BY FLYIND DICKS. MAY HE RIP. BEWARE OF FLYING DICKS", "LOL STEVE IRWIN WAS PWNED BY A FUCKING FISH!!! STUPID FUCKING CHAV!!!", and "JIMBO WALES USED MIND RAYS TO KILL STEVE IRWIN!!! FUCK YOU, WIKIPEDIA!!!"
Of course, at one stage the only thing that Wiki knew about Maitland was that it had "The Worst Roads in Australia", but we can forgive it for that. OR CAN WE? Bah, it gives me the Shinolas.

What also appears to get my "Goat" are people whom do not change their little "Personal Messages" on Micro$haft Live? Messenger. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Linz. You've had this message for about 4 months. And before that, you had "I have new shoes!" for a WHOLE GODDAMN YEAR.

By that token, I could also say "Hey Everyone! I HAVE A NEW BLOG". It's not new. It's not important. It leaves a smokey half-swallowed lump in my throat. The lump is either disgust, or the result of eating an entire block of white chocolate last night. Don't ask me which it actually is, as they're both as likely as each other.
Well, having gotten that Skellington out of my closet, I think we can move on to the Wardrobe in the Garage

OH NOES FAILED AGAIN.