It's 5 minutes to Midnight. Due to some sort of logical connection, it seems like a good time to start tapping out my thoughts on a variousity of films which I have watched with EYE-BALLZ over the previousity few days. Let's start with the trigger for that mental link:
Watchmen
Not So Heroic Superhero Film
Yeah, it's another friggin' superhero flick. Except this time it's the 1980's. But not the Ashes to Ashes style one where Seb ends up getting horrible nightmares (the nightmare being that he's still in England working in a certain pub for a certain Frenchie) and wakes up screaming. Nah, it's more a horrible dirty 1980's where everyone is a bastard. I dare you to name a single character in this film who you'd want to be. If you can name one, then you should probably go and get a prescription for some Lithium.
Inspite of that, it's a refreshingly nasty superhero film, and quite lovely to look at. It turns out that we all sat through that awkward CGI period for a reason.
Iron Man
Science Man Punches Terrorists AND "The Man"
Our second Super Hero one is from the year before, and is best enjoyed in the same state of mind as the protagonist: Drunk. There is a man who does SCIENCE! and then punches terrorists! Then there are some pretty ladies and cars and explosions. Then he beats "The Man" and everyone loves him.
Yeah, it's about as deep as my swimming pool at the moment (see that previous post for a visual cue), but MY GOD is it alot of fun. It's even more fun by comparison when you watch it right before...
District 9
Grim Sci-Fi Documentary/Action
Yeah, that film from South Africa that everyone seems to be going banang about. It's all over my local supermarket, which is the watermark for a successful film. If you can sell a film in the same aisle as the shallots, then you are a winner. Especially when it's a film that gets incredibly difficult to watch due to the sheer awfulness of what's happening until you don't think you can take it anymore and then discovering that it's suddenly turned into a gleeful action film with explosions and poorly thought out plans! Yeah, the messages about the way refugees are treated are about as subtle as Barney the Dinosaur in a church, but they end up only feeling like justification for a scene that never comes. Did I enjoy it? Yeah. Would I watch it again? Maybe. Would I recommend it? Only because it's one of the best Sci-Fi things I've seen in a very long time. I don't care if Peter Jackson had his beard in this one, it was a good film. Now for an opposite case!
Duplicity
Espionage-Con-Romance-LOL
This film can be summed up easily. Burn Notice + Oceans Eleven + (I've never seen a proper romance film, so I'll go with) WALL-E. It's basically Mr and Mrs Smith done RIGHT. There's a contorted timeline, there's people squabbling over ridiculous things, and there are crosses and double crosses and triple crosses and it's a film that I dare you to watch without raising a gleeful smile. I can only think of one "Huh?" moment, which involves a reveal about a certain someone's true intentions, as it really doesn't make sense, as well as how they avoid the consequences, but I can forgive them for this. See it, it'll undo all the James Bond damage by making you never want to be a secret agent ever again. Because maybe you want to be able to do things like not worry if someone is recording you while you throw jam at the roof or whatever.
Primer
Electrical Engineer Time Travel Fun Times
I have Sir Thomas of QN to thank for putting me on to this particular gem. It reminded me of the reason why I didn't want to go back to university. Possibly because I was drunk, I spent the last 28 minutes of this movie exclaiming "What? WHAT? OH GOD I'M LOST HERE :( ". The movie is very clever, and I can't deny that it's the most accurate portrayal of scientific experiments in it's hideously unglamourous nature I've ever seen on film. The antithesis of Iron Man, if you will. Let me just say this: If I didn't have Wiki, I would have no idea what happened in the 3rd act of the film, after Mr Granger shows up. Seriously. I was all "What the cuss is happening?". If I was slightly more sober when watching this, it probably would have made 23% more sense. This is conjecture, however. I therefore give it PHYS4410/PHYS4420 stars. For Obfuscation.
Zombieland
Light-hearted Apocalypse with Zombies
I'll be honest. I went into this film expecting a Zombie gore fest. I think that the recent spate of overly violent instant gratification films from the last few years (basically anything post 28 Days Later) had numbed me to the genre, with each new collection being another retread of the tried and true formulae. But, it was not the case here. I think I'm able to sum up this film in a single word: "Stylish". Sure, it's funny and sensible and even though some areas of the plot are left underdeveloped, I think that it doesn't hurt the end result even slightly. Simply because it's a ride that is throughly enjoyable. I once heard that all zombie films are social commentary on issues that trouble the director. Well, if that's true, then I guess the message is to not sweat about enjoying those guilty pleasures of life, because otherwise you'll end up too serious, and nobody wants that. That, and we need more Michael Cera alikes in Hollywood are what we can take from this insane ride.
Coraline
Horror Fantasy for Children
Oh my goodness. It appears that if you ever are in any doubt of whether you've actually got an inner child, the answer is to be found simply through the process of watching this film. I honestly was not expecting to be this entranced, but the sheer level of child-like wonder and excitement to be (potentially) uncovered is astonishing. All I can say is this is pretty much the perfect film for me from about 15-ish years ago, when I was the kid with the over active imagination about what monsters and crazy things lurked just out of sight. I mean, it runs on video-game logic during her quest, and each and every set is an absolute joy to look at. In terms of stop motion, I think the original 3 Wallace and Gromit films were the last time I was *this* impressed with the filming technique. And I was about 11 when I first saw that. I'm going "Squee" just at the thought of this film.
Moon
Psychological Sci-Fi Drama
If you ever need a quick example of when less is more, then you can always point to this. You'll go into this film, expect a cliche, and then a twist comes and you've changed your assumptions again, and then this repeats a few more times, and by the end you've just given up guessing because everything that happens goes so strongly against your expectations from other films, that it's refreshing. Also it's got Keven Spacey as one of the best supporting characters ever. I don't want to reveal *anything* specific about this film, just that David Bowie would be proud of his son's first flick. Hell, if it's good enough for NASA, it's good enough for you.
No Country For Old Men
Goddamn Cohen Brothers Film
Just sing a bit of Johnny Cash, and it makes more sense. There is a man who finds drug money, there is a man who looks like the landlord from Flight Of The Conchords who likes killing people who don't want or deserve to die, and there are a bunch of policemen who are awful at preventing crimes. That said, it's a suprisingly easy film to watch, especially compared to Burn After Reading, which was thee Cohen Bros latest offering. But that could have something to do with having watched that one whilst on the way to the UK surrounded by unfortunates.
There Will Be Blood
OIL!
John Allison's review was WRONG. This is a brilliant film about how to be the hardest dude ever. Its about how a man will get what he wants if he has ACTING JUICE (oil). This film is The Godfather for the noughties. That's how good it is. Watch it with a friend whilst drunk and explain what hard as funk thing Daniel is doing every 5 minutes for maximum effect. Just watch the last few minutes in silence.
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Friday, 8 January 2010
Television in 2010: A Post That (Hopefully) Won't Offend You All Like My Last One Did
Let's face it. The late 90's and early 00's (the years, not fictional British Intelligence agents) were a golden age of sorts for television. But somewhere along the line, something went horribly wrong. The last couple of years have not been good for the state of TV, in every aspect you can think of. From the atrocious way that the commercial networks here have been treating viewers, to the atrocious way studios abroad have treated some good quality shows. And then there's this show, which I can only describe as "unforgivable".
There are many, many areas that TV can improve in, so here's what I think the rulers of TV-Land (both here and abroad) should do this year:
Stop Shifting Programs About On A Whim
The general premise behind this move is that it's supposed to move programs into a timeslot where they might get better ratings, or where they can move in another show that might get better ratings in the original timeslot, or both. While most networks are generally pretty good about this sort of thing, Channel Seven did keep pushing popular programs like Heroes and Lost until they were almost running in the witching hour. (Now that their second digital channel is here, they're promising to put those shows on in prime-time on 7TWO.)
But the main culprit is Channel 10. They seem to live for this sort of thing. If a show doesn't rate well in its first week, BAM, it's gone, or banished to some obscure time of the night you never even knew existed. If a show doesn't rate well in its second week, BAM. Third week? You get the idea.
Stop Airing So Many Damn Episodes of The Simpsons Every Week
One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety. Channel 10 has not grasped this concept. It only seems to have enough money to buy the Simpsons back catalogue and the new episodes. If they banish a TV show, guess what replaces it 75% of the time?
If you want better ratings, take some risks, and show some different content. We're not going to watch an episode of a TV show we've seen a billion times before in the past three months.
Stop Jumping on the Bandwagon (Or On The Lost Island)
One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety. Yes, we all know that shows like Lost changed TV. It showed us what can be done with a serialised TV show, and how audiences react to a show steeped in mystery and mythology. But that doesn't mean that straight out copying it is going to make your show successful. Look at the horror that was Flashforward for example. If only the producers of that show had been able to catch a glimpse of the future, perhaps they might have decided against signing off on that one.
Another mind-numbing example is the resurgence in shows with vampires, no doubt trying to cash in on the Twilight "franchise". The more we're saturated by vampires, the faster we're going to become phased by their presence on TV, which means your audience will have about as much interest in your show as an actual undead person.
But Don't Stop Taking Risks
I promise I'll stop saying it in a second, but: One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety. We all know that some shows will fail. But occasionally there is that one gem of a show that picks up a devoted fan base because it's different, takes risks, and has a good gimmick (if it's a comedy) or storyline (if it's not). We need more of these shows.
And when you get one of these shows, be prepared for a niche market to grasp on to it, rather than aim for a broad spectrum of viewers. There's almost no such thing as a show that will appeal to a wide range of demographics anymore. Hell, audiences are so varied in their tastes these days that there's probably no such thing as a demographic anymore. Intelligent, high quality shows don't appeal to a mass audience. Conversely, mass appeal shows are so bad and do nothing than follow a formula that they bomb and don't get a large audience anyway. Stick with the intelligent ones, even if they're not as popular and don't rate as well as The Best Show In History (whatever that was).
Give a Show Fair Warning Before You Axe It For Good
The one thing that annoys viewers more than a cliffhanger ending is a cliffhanger ending that will never, ever be resolved. It doesn't do the show any justice, and it reflects badly on the studio that wielded the axe.
If you tell the writers that you may not renew the show for another year, then that means they can end the season on a note that resolves as much as needs to be resolved. If you don't then you get stuck with an audience that feels like they've read a novel only to find that the last 100 pages have been torn out. Fantastic.
If you need an example, look no further than My Name Is Earl, which ended with the full expectation that there would be more episodes. So now we're all stuck with an incomplete storyline that feels awkward and doesn't help anyone. And worst of all, we may now never see Earl finish crossing things off his list. (Actually he technically can't do that anyway, since he added an item he had no intention of ever crossing off.)
There are many examples of shows that did get it right, but most of those went out on their own terms and so didn't have the metaphorical axe hovering over their head. One show that didn't go out on its own terms but still managed to get it right was the ending to the second season of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, perhaps the only show with a longer name than My Name is Earl. The writers didn't know whether they would be coming back for a third season, so they wrote an ending that both resolved the current storyline but could be expanded upon if a third season came about. Just incase.
Give The Hosting Duty of Scrapheap Challenge Back toKryten Robert Llewellyn
Okay, this one's a long shot given that they might not even make a new series, but it's still worth mentioning.
As Much As It Pains Me To Say It, Stop Making New Episodes of The Simpsons
Let's say it together one last time: "One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety." Saturating the marketplace with Simpsons episodes doesn't do the TV world any good, and hasn't for a while now. I'm pretty sure that the only reason Fox keeps commissioning new episodes is because it gets them money. I'd call myself a Simpsons fan, but I'm not watching new episodes anymore. The quality's gone, and the only way such a long running series can be saved is to reboot it like they did with Doctor Who, but you can't do that with The Simpsons
When a show is being promoted purely on the dying hype generated by the fact that they are new episodes with a billion new guests stars and not being promoted on the storylines or gags, then you're pretty much staring the Grim Reaper of Television in the face, daring him to make his move and hand you the Notice of Cancellation he holds instead of that scythe. The new age of television was heralded with the introduction of interesting serialised shows like 24, Lost, the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, etc.
The TV landscape won't be the same without this iconic show (The Simpsons, not the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica), but it's time to let it die with some dignity.
What Else?
This is by no means a definitive list of what should be done, but rather just the stuff I could think up some stuff to write about. There's plenty of other things that the controllers of the magic box can do to improve our viewing experience, such as:
I'm sure there are plenty more I have missed that you can think up. So what do you think should happen to TV in 2010?
There are many, many areas that TV can improve in, so here's what I think the rulers of TV-Land (both here and abroad) should do this year:
Stop Shifting Programs About On A Whim
The general premise behind this move is that it's supposed to move programs into a timeslot where they might get better ratings, or where they can move in another show that might get better ratings in the original timeslot, or both. While most networks are generally pretty good about this sort of thing, Channel Seven did keep pushing popular programs like Heroes and Lost until they were almost running in the witching hour. (Now that their second digital channel is here, they're promising to put those shows on in prime-time on 7TWO.)
But the main culprit is Channel 10. They seem to live for this sort of thing. If a show doesn't rate well in its first week, BAM, it's gone, or banished to some obscure time of the night you never even knew existed. If a show doesn't rate well in its second week, BAM. Third week? You get the idea.
Stop Airing So Many Damn Episodes of The Simpsons Every Week
One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety. Channel 10 has not grasped this concept. It only seems to have enough money to buy the Simpsons back catalogue and the new episodes. If they banish a TV show, guess what replaces it 75% of the time?
If you want better ratings, take some risks, and show some different content. We're not going to watch an episode of a TV show we've seen a billion times before in the past three months.
Stop Jumping on the Bandwagon (Or On The Lost Island)
One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety. Yes, we all know that shows like Lost changed TV. It showed us what can be done with a serialised TV show, and how audiences react to a show steeped in mystery and mythology. But that doesn't mean that straight out copying it is going to make your show successful. Look at the horror that was Flashforward for example. If only the producers of that show had been able to catch a glimpse of the future, perhaps they might have decided against signing off on that one.
Another mind-numbing example is the resurgence in shows with vampires, no doubt trying to cash in on the Twilight "franchise". The more we're saturated by vampires, the faster we're going to become phased by their presence on TV, which means your audience will have about as much interest in your show as an actual undead person.
But Don't Stop Taking Risks
I promise I'll stop saying it in a second, but: One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety. We all know that some shows will fail. But occasionally there is that one gem of a show that picks up a devoted fan base because it's different, takes risks, and has a good gimmick (if it's a comedy) or storyline (if it's not). We need more of these shows.
And when you get one of these shows, be prepared for a niche market to grasp on to it, rather than aim for a broad spectrum of viewers. There's almost no such thing as a show that will appeal to a wide range of demographics anymore. Hell, audiences are so varied in their tastes these days that there's probably no such thing as a demographic anymore. Intelligent, high quality shows don't appeal to a mass audience. Conversely, mass appeal shows are so bad and do nothing than follow a formula that they bomb and don't get a large audience anyway. Stick with the intelligent ones, even if they're not as popular and don't rate as well as The Best Show In History (whatever that was).
Give a Show Fair Warning Before You Axe It For Good
The one thing that annoys viewers more than a cliffhanger ending is a cliffhanger ending that will never, ever be resolved. It doesn't do the show any justice, and it reflects badly on the studio that wielded the axe.
If you tell the writers that you may not renew the show for another year, then that means they can end the season on a note that resolves as much as needs to be resolved. If you don't then you get stuck with an audience that feels like they've read a novel only to find that the last 100 pages have been torn out. Fantastic.
If you need an example, look no further than My Name Is Earl, which ended with the full expectation that there would be more episodes. So now we're all stuck with an incomplete storyline that feels awkward and doesn't help anyone. And worst of all, we may now never see Earl finish crossing things off his list. (Actually he technically can't do that anyway, since he added an item he had no intention of ever crossing off.)
There are many examples of shows that did get it right, but most of those went out on their own terms and so didn't have the metaphorical axe hovering over their head. One show that didn't go out on its own terms but still managed to get it right was the ending to the second season of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, perhaps the only show with a longer name than My Name is Earl. The writers didn't know whether they would be coming back for a third season, so they wrote an ending that both resolved the current storyline but could be expanded upon if a third season came about. Just incase.
Give The Hosting Duty of Scrapheap Challenge Back to
Okay, this one's a long shot given that they might not even make a new series, but it's still worth mentioning.
As Much As It Pains Me To Say It, Stop Making New Episodes of The Simpsons
Let's say it together one last time: "One thing that makes a good TV landscape is variety." Saturating the marketplace with Simpsons episodes doesn't do the TV world any good, and hasn't for a while now. I'm pretty sure that the only reason Fox keeps commissioning new episodes is because it gets them money. I'd call myself a Simpsons fan, but I'm not watching new episodes anymore. The quality's gone, and the only way such a long running series can be saved is to reboot it like they did with Doctor Who, but you can't do that with The Simpsons
When a show is being promoted purely on the dying hype generated by the fact that they are new episodes with a billion new guests stars and not being promoted on the storylines or gags, then you're pretty much staring the Grim Reaper of Television in the face, daring him to make his move and hand you the Notice of Cancellation he holds instead of that scythe. The new age of television was heralded with the introduction of interesting serialised shows like 24, Lost, the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, etc.
The TV landscape won't be the same without this iconic show (The Simpsons, not the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica), but it's time to let it die with some dignity.
What Else?
This is by no means a definitive list of what should be done, but rather just the stuff I could think up some stuff to write about. There's plenty of other things that the controllers of the magic box can do to improve our viewing experience, such as:
- Ensuring more accurate, easy to read weekly TV guides are published in papers. Ones that list ALL the channels, and in particular, make digital channels easier to look up.
- Stop lying about HD channels being separate channels until they actually are separate channels.
- Fix current affairs shows by making them more accountable for the lies they broadcast, or get rid of them completely.
- Stop remaking Oliver Twist.
I'm sure there are plenty more I have missed that you can think up. So what do you think should happen to TV in 2010?
Monday, 4 January 2010
Closure
Helloes! This is an automated message from your morally ambigious writer. It has been deployed due to lack of communications over a 72 hour period. Whilst this safeguard is simply for safety reasons, attempts to locate the presumed author should be persued at your discression.
Well, let's take stock of what we've got: No current employment (CHECK!), No potential relationship material (CHECK!), No computer that I can do anything decent on (CHECK!... kinda), and a whole lot of time to kill (CHECK CHECK CHECK A THOUSAND TIMES). Yep, time to fill in that thing that noone cares about.. the BEST and WORST list of 2009. Let's see what we've got going:
Worse Dog of the Year: Pippa
Congrats, Poody-woody, you've picked up this award for being greasy, and infected with both a virus and a bacterial skin disease at the same time. Also for eating all that food off the coffee table when you thought we weren't looking. You are a dog, even when blind drunk, I can see through your charades. There is a reason we can tell when you've been in the garbage eating tissues, and it's called a "DOG ACT".
Best TV Channel: Go!
Where else can you get: Flintstones, Jetsons, Wipeout, Get Smart, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, and anything else that qualifies as "Drunk Viewing" 24/7? The internet, sure, but that is a hassle. Also gets an award for being the speed at which horrible 80's cars travel through time.
Best Analogy: My broken-arsed computer
This award goes to you, my dear PC. You're now a shell of your former self, even though you didn't lose any of your memories, you can't keep doing what you used to. There's no connections left. So now you're being strung together whilst your former owner leaves you to a new generation of abuse. After lying to yourself about how well things were going, we couldn't get away from the horrible mess that was inside. Attempting to salvage this would only end in more tears. Yes, good times were had, but it can't go on like this. I'm off to get a shiny new machine, and I'm leaving you here. Rust in peace, you magnificent bastard.
Worst Explaination: The previous paragraph
Wait... what's that even an analogy of? I'm... I'm not even sure myself. It was one thing, but then it sorta just meandered off...
Worst Camera: Sony Cybershot
You know, Camera, if your lens closed when I shut you off, and you didn't have the worlds worst portable memory type, then you'd be let off the hook. But you're awful. Also why do you think "Low Light Conditions" means "EVERYTHING TURNS RED"? Thanks for running out of battery for no reason when I visited the Danube, bastard.
Best Spy: Gravity Bone's Citizen Able
I don't care if you don't play games. I don't care at all. Gravity Bone is for you. If you hate Xavier Cugart's music, then you are an enemy of taste.
Most overhyped album: Muse - The Resistance
Your brain turns from "oooh" to "What the hell, this is some kind of rock opera and he's probably drunk and been huffing Freddy Mercury" within 6 tracks, then it turns into "Freddy (Mercury) got Fingered (by Exogenesis)". The fact that this was being streamed for free on the JJJ website before it was released is a testament to the insane demand for this band's latest and greatest.
Best "I'm Sorry": Seb, after shooting a zombie in L4D2.
Seb: Oh no! OH NO! NOOOooooooO! I'm SORRY! That shouldn't have happened! I'm... I CAN SEE HIS COCCIX. I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT. THAT BIT SHOULD STAY INSIDE! He's going to be sad if that pox wears off and he sees what is left of his genitals
Best Chocolate Shape: Fernando the Reindeer
This reindeer hosted what could only be described as "A Medallion the size of a hubcab! Without this symbol of fertility and power around your neck, what kind of woman is going to respect you? Everyone knows that if you can't support a medallion, you can't support a family." It was also delicious.
Best 2009 Album listened to in 2009: Röyksopp - Junior
Nothing says "Glee" like songs about robots that don't love you back and insane video clips with Space Invaders.
Best 2008 Album listened to in 2009: Tame Impala - Tame Impala EP
This is the perfect EP to listen to whilst staring out of a window at the passing Eastern European countryside while the sun beats in on your sleep deprived and dirty face. The closest you can get to feeling like something out of the 70's without a muscle car and a hatred of disco.
Best 2009 Album NOT listened to in 2009: Whitley - Go Forth Find Mammoth
WHY DIDN'T I GET THIS EARLIER? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Just saying the title of the Album like a racist disney american indian is fun. The songs are infectious and brilliantly written. Lawrence Greenwood deserves everything that comes his way.
Worst City: Paris
Nothing you say can undo the hurt you caused. I will never forgive you.
Best investment: External Hard Drive Reader
Because Flash-drives don't hold more music than some record shops. Or more music than can fit on *any* iPod version, for that matter. Also handy when your computer throws in the towel and you need to get your back musics. Always keep a back-up, kids!
Best insanity: Three way tie between Envirobear 2000, Fuck Oregon Let's Go Find El Dorado, and ROM CHECK FAIL
There are some things best experienced for yourself.
Oh Noes! Flashback of the Year: Reading Do Travel Writers Go To Hell?
Because nothing makes you raise your arms and go "I CAN SMELL THOSE BACKPACKERS FROM HERE" and "Wow, and I thought the rats in that awful hostel in Amsterdam were bad" like a book which takes you straight back to the scene of the crimes.
Best thing that you're not in on: Google Wave
Private Forums with uploading. What else could you possibly want?
Best Problem: Electrical Faults
Ah, my trusty steed. Thanks for that hilarious quirk that means I've gotta go and buy a fuse and/or bulb if I shift with the headlights on.
Best Thing Ever: Steak Seasoning and Cameron's Christmas Present
So goddamn delicious, I can hear my saliva glands going just thinking about it. The only way to make it better is to have it whilst wearing Night Vision Goggles. So I did. THE BAR HAS BEEN RAISED, LADIES.
Worst Things Ever: My Swimming Pool and anything in that general area of the house.
So, I leave the country, and a pool in reasonable condition. I return to a black puddle and woe. The only option is to "BURN IT ALL", so for Christmas, we are left with the worst skatepark ever, as well as a leaking solar water service (which was later repaired, due to some fine technical skills of a man), and the world champion of air conditioning, left out in the rain to die a slow, oxidising death.
Right, anything I've missed?
Oh yeah, the local wildlife. How could I forget!
That and forgetting to acknowledge the greatest nation on earth:
And remember: It's not a brilliant idea until you find version of it as a form of torture.
Well, let's take stock of what we've got: No current employment (CHECK!), No potential relationship material (CHECK!), No computer that I can do anything decent on (CHECK!... kinda), and a whole lot of time to kill (CHECK CHECK CHECK A THOUSAND TIMES). Yep, time to fill in that thing that noone cares about.. the BEST and WORST list of 2009. Let's see what we've got going:
Worse Dog of the Year: Pippa
Congrats, Poody-woody, you've picked up this award for being greasy, and infected with both a virus and a bacterial skin disease at the same time. Also for eating all that food off the coffee table when you thought we weren't looking. You are a dog, even when blind drunk, I can see through your charades. There is a reason we can tell when you've been in the garbage eating tissues, and it's called a "DOG ACT".
Best TV Channel: Go!
Where else can you get: Flintstones, Jetsons, Wipeout, Get Smart, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, and anything else that qualifies as "Drunk Viewing" 24/7? The internet, sure, but that is a hassle. Also gets an award for being the speed at which horrible 80's cars travel through time.
Best Analogy: My broken-arsed computer
This award goes to you, my dear PC. You're now a shell of your former self, even though you didn't lose any of your memories, you can't keep doing what you used to. There's no connections left. So now you're being strung together whilst your former owner leaves you to a new generation of abuse. After lying to yourself about how well things were going, we couldn't get away from the horrible mess that was inside. Attempting to salvage this would only end in more tears. Yes, good times were had, but it can't go on like this. I'm off to get a shiny new machine, and I'm leaving you here. Rust in peace, you magnificent bastard.
Worst Explaination: The previous paragraph
Wait... what's that even an analogy of? I'm... I'm not even sure myself. It was one thing, but then it sorta just meandered off...
Worst Camera: Sony Cybershot
You know, Camera, if your lens closed when I shut you off, and you didn't have the worlds worst portable memory type, then you'd be let off the hook. But you're awful. Also why do you think "Low Light Conditions" means "EVERYTHING TURNS RED"? Thanks for running out of battery for no reason when I visited the Danube, bastard.
Best Spy: Gravity Bone's Citizen Able
I don't care if you don't play games. I don't care at all. Gravity Bone is for you. If you hate Xavier Cugart's music, then you are an enemy of taste.
Most overhyped album: Muse - The Resistance
Your brain turns from "oooh" to "What the hell, this is some kind of rock opera and he's probably drunk and been huffing Freddy Mercury" within 6 tracks, then it turns into "Freddy (Mercury) got Fingered (by Exogenesis)". The fact that this was being streamed for free on the JJJ website before it was released is a testament to the insane demand for this band's latest and greatest.
Best "I'm Sorry": Seb, after shooting a zombie in L4D2.
Seb: Oh no! OH NO! NOOOooooooO! I'm SORRY! That shouldn't have happened! I'm... I CAN SEE HIS COCCIX. I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT. THAT BIT SHOULD STAY INSIDE! He's going to be sad if that pox wears off and he sees what is left of his genitals
Best Chocolate Shape: Fernando the Reindeer
This reindeer hosted what could only be described as "A Medallion the size of a hubcab! Without this symbol of fertility and power around your neck, what kind of woman is going to respect you? Everyone knows that if you can't support a medallion, you can't support a family." It was also delicious.
Best 2009 Album listened to in 2009: Röyksopp - Junior
Nothing says "Glee" like songs about robots that don't love you back and insane video clips with Space Invaders.
Best 2008 Album listened to in 2009: Tame Impala - Tame Impala EP
This is the perfect EP to listen to whilst staring out of a window at the passing Eastern European countryside while the sun beats in on your sleep deprived and dirty face. The closest you can get to feeling like something out of the 70's without a muscle car and a hatred of disco.
Best 2009 Album NOT listened to in 2009: Whitley - Go Forth Find Mammoth
WHY DIDN'T I GET THIS EARLIER? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Just saying the title of the Album like a racist disney american indian is fun. The songs are infectious and brilliantly written. Lawrence Greenwood deserves everything that comes his way.
Worst City: Paris
Nothing you say can undo the hurt you caused. I will never forgive you.
Best investment: External Hard Drive Reader
Because Flash-drives don't hold more music than some record shops. Or more music than can fit on *any* iPod version, for that matter. Also handy when your computer throws in the towel and you need to get your back musics. Always keep a back-up, kids!
Best insanity: Three way tie between Envirobear 2000, Fuck Oregon Let's Go Find El Dorado, and ROM CHECK FAIL
There are some things best experienced for yourself.
Oh Noes! Flashback of the Year: Reading Do Travel Writers Go To Hell?
Because nothing makes you raise your arms and go "I CAN SMELL THOSE BACKPACKERS FROM HERE" and "Wow, and I thought the rats in that awful hostel in Amsterdam were bad" like a book which takes you straight back to the scene of the crimes.
Best thing that you're not in on: Google Wave
Private Forums with uploading. What else could you possibly want?
Best Problem: Electrical Faults
Ah, my trusty steed. Thanks for that hilarious quirk that means I've gotta go and buy a fuse and/or bulb if I shift with the headlights on.
Best Thing Ever: Steak Seasoning and Cameron's Christmas Present
So goddamn delicious, I can hear my saliva glands going just thinking about it. The only way to make it better is to have it whilst wearing Night Vision Goggles. So I did. THE BAR HAS BEEN RAISED, LADIES.
Worst Things Ever: My Swimming Pool and anything in that general area of the house.
So, I leave the country, and a pool in reasonable condition. I return to a black puddle and woe. The only option is to "BURN IT ALL", so for Christmas, we are left with the worst skatepark ever, as well as a leaking solar water service (which was later repaired, due to some fine technical skills of a man), and the world champion of air conditioning, left out in the rain to die a slow, oxidising death.
Right, anything I've missed?
Oh yeah, the local wildlife. How could I forget!
That and forgetting to acknowledge the greatest nation on earth:
And remember: It's not a brilliant idea until you find version of it as a form of torture.
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Costume & Themed Parties: Another (Hopefully) Comical Rant
Partially written in response to the apparently non-existent question of "Where was Lambie on NYE?"
Introduction
"Costume." "Theme." These are two words that you might associate with the words "film," "theatre," or perhaps "television". They are two words that should in no way be associated with the word "party". At least, not in my books. The phrase "themed party" is one that fills my heart with dismay. The chosen theme itself can sometimes invoke a sense of rage that one would only otherwise experience while watching Today Tonight.
Measuring Hate
Hate in my world can be measured on the "Lambie Scale of Hate", which ranges from 1 up to Lily Allen. "Themed parties" come in at about a 6.5 on this scale, which is slightly above rankings for "pub trivia" and "secret Santa" (both of which probably measure about a 5.5 - 6).
As a side note, yes, there is a "Lambie Scale of Love". It ranges from 1 up to Sarah Blasko. (Anyone who didn't see that coming should be ashamed.) Examples of things and people on the Lambie Scale of Love are Marathon, Eve Myles, etc, etc.
The Reasons
Okay, so just why do I dislike themed parties? In order to properly answer this question, we will have to begin by paying a visit to our old friend and favourite type of number, statistics.
Here's the number of themed parties I have been to that I remember enjoying: Zero.
Yep. I've never actually had fun at any single one of them. Ever. But you could probably argue that I haven't really proven anything substantial yet. As I will point out in my final conclusion, you'd probably be (partially) wrong. But before you spoil the fun and read the last two paragraphs, I'll humour you and continue on mymerry way path of rage with Mr and Mrs Statistics by introducing a second number into the hideously complex equation.
Here's the number of times I have felt comfortable dressing up in a costume at one of these parties: Zero.
Okay, so this is really just the same number again, but it's used in a different context here. And besides, introducing zero once into any sort of argument or complex equation is rarely a good sign for the result, let alone introducing it twice. This is aptly demonstrated by pointing out at this stage that by just organising a "themed party", you've already given me two good reasons not to get dressed up and go. And you haven't even decided on a theme yet.
Of course, no matter what theme you do end up choosing, you're going to fail for a third time in convincing me that attending would be a good idea. Why? Because your chosen theme will fall into one of the following three categories:
1. Appropriate only for primary school children.
2. Inappropriate in every way for primary school children, and in fact everyone under the age of 18.
3. Chosen in such a way that it is practically and financially impossible for half of your guests to think up and create a decent costume in time unless I have the budget and resources of a small Hollywood blockbuster.
If your theme lands in the first category, you should ask yourself the question "Is it reasonable to expect all my guests to be comfortable feeling childishly idiotic?" If your theme lands in the second category, you should ask yourself "Is it reasonable to expect all my guests to be comfortable dressing up in attire that makes my house look like an adult nightclub?" The answer to both of these questions is obviously "No." If you answered "Yes," then there might be something wrong with some of the people you've invited to your party.
If your theme lands in the third category, you'll have to ask yourself a small questionnaire worth of questions. In particular, you should ask yourself "Is it reasonable to expect all my guests to have the resources to create a costume in the first place?" Again, the answer could very well be "No."
These questions should demonstrate that none of the potential categories really sell the idea that I should attend the party in full costume, nor should you expect everyone to turn up in costume in the first place.
But Is It Compulsory?
"But Lambie," you will say. "It doesn't actually say that coming in costume is compulsory, does it?"
"But Nondescript Reader," I will say. "Sometimes it does say that, and there seems to be an unspoken rule that it's compulsory even if it doesn't say so."
"But Lambie," you will say. "You really don't have to dress up. No one's forcing you to."
"But Nondescript Reader," I will say. "If I don't dress up then the only conversation I will have is with disappointed people asking me why I haven't dressed up."
And this is where we see everything fall down into a horrible Catch-22. If I dress up, I feel uncomfortable. If I don't, I feel uncomfortable. If you ask why I'm not dressed up, "I don't like dressing up" or "I didn't want to dress up" doesn't seem to appear in your Pocket Book of Acceptable Excuses.
Summary and Conclusion
In the end, perhaps the best way to express this is by using a cinematic example. You might say "I won't go out and see that film. I'm not a fan of that genre of film. I'm pretty sure I won't enjoy it." Or you might say "I won't go out and see that film. It's directed by Uwe Boll, and I don't enjoy sitting through his films. They make me want to break things."
So why should I go to a party that I know I won't enjoy?
Introduction
"Costume." "Theme." These are two words that you might associate with the words "film," "theatre," or perhaps "television". They are two words that should in no way be associated with the word "party". At least, not in my books. The phrase "themed party" is one that fills my heart with dismay. The chosen theme itself can sometimes invoke a sense of rage that one would only otherwise experience while watching Today Tonight.
Measuring Hate
Hate in my world can be measured on the "Lambie Scale of Hate", which ranges from 1 up to Lily Allen. "Themed parties" come in at about a 6.5 on this scale, which is slightly above rankings for "pub trivia" and "secret Santa" (both of which probably measure about a 5.5 - 6).
As a side note, yes, there is a "Lambie Scale of Love". It ranges from 1 up to Sarah Blasko. (Anyone who didn't see that coming should be ashamed.) Examples of things and people on the Lambie Scale of Love are Marathon, Eve Myles, etc, etc.
The Reasons
Okay, so just why do I dislike themed parties? In order to properly answer this question, we will have to begin by paying a visit to our old friend and favourite type of number, statistics.
Here's the number of themed parties I have been to that I remember enjoying: Zero.
Yep. I've never actually had fun at any single one of them. Ever. But you could probably argue that I haven't really proven anything substantial yet. As I will point out in my final conclusion, you'd probably be (partially) wrong. But before you spoil the fun and read the last two paragraphs, I'll humour you and continue on my
Here's the number of times I have felt comfortable dressing up in a costume at one of these parties: Zero.
Okay, so this is really just the same number again, but it's used in a different context here. And besides, introducing zero once into any sort of argument or complex equation is rarely a good sign for the result, let alone introducing it twice. This is aptly demonstrated by pointing out at this stage that by just organising a "themed party", you've already given me two good reasons not to get dressed up and go. And you haven't even decided on a theme yet.
Of course, no matter what theme you do end up choosing, you're going to fail for a third time in convincing me that attending would be a good idea. Why? Because your chosen theme will fall into one of the following three categories:
1. Appropriate only for primary school children.
2. Inappropriate in every way for primary school children, and in fact everyone under the age of 18.
3. Chosen in such a way that it is practically and financially impossible for half of your guests to think up and create a decent costume in time unless I have the budget and resources of a small Hollywood blockbuster.
If your theme lands in the first category, you should ask yourself the question "Is it reasonable to expect all my guests to be comfortable feeling childishly idiotic?" If your theme lands in the second category, you should ask yourself "Is it reasonable to expect all my guests to be comfortable dressing up in attire that makes my house look like an adult nightclub?" The answer to both of these questions is obviously "No." If you answered "Yes," then there might be something wrong with some of the people you've invited to your party.
If your theme lands in the third category, you'll have to ask yourself a small questionnaire worth of questions. In particular, you should ask yourself "Is it reasonable to expect all my guests to have the resources to create a costume in the first place?" Again, the answer could very well be "No."
These questions should demonstrate that none of the potential categories really sell the idea that I should attend the party in full costume, nor should you expect everyone to turn up in costume in the first place.
But Is It Compulsory?
"But Lambie," you will say. "It doesn't actually say that coming in costume is compulsory, does it?"
"But Nondescript Reader," I will say. "Sometimes it does say that, and there seems to be an unspoken rule that it's compulsory even if it doesn't say so."
"But Lambie," you will say. "You really don't have to dress up. No one's forcing you to."
"But Nondescript Reader," I will say. "If I don't dress up then the only conversation I will have is with disappointed people asking me why I haven't dressed up."
And this is where we see everything fall down into a horrible Catch-22. If I dress up, I feel uncomfortable. If I don't, I feel uncomfortable. If you ask why I'm not dressed up, "I don't like dressing up" or "I didn't want to dress up" doesn't seem to appear in your Pocket Book of Acceptable Excuses.
Summary and Conclusion
In the end, perhaps the best way to express this is by using a cinematic example. You might say "I won't go out and see that film. I'm not a fan of that genre of film. I'm pretty sure I won't enjoy it." Or you might say "I won't go out and see that film. It's directed by Uwe Boll, and I don't enjoy sitting through his films. They make me want to break things."
So why should I go to a party that I know I won't enjoy?
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