The beauty of YouTube is that not only is it a great harbour for amateur filmmakers, it also gives complete nutters out there a chance to post absolute rubbish. As I have shown at least twice before, the paranormal seems to be a nice little breeding ground for these sorts of videos.
UFOs and Aliens
This category is where you find most of the action. And boy, what horribly bad action it is. This video gives us what other contributions to the "According to YouTube" posts have been lacking: Pointless re-enactments! Thank you sir for showing us how, after you come down the stairs, you go to your fridge. It also contains what they claim is distortion on the video tape caused by the UFO. I suppose it couldn't just be a crap recording, could it?
What makes that video interesting among paranormal videos is that it was shot during the day. Most are shot at night, when you can't see anything and will mistake an owl for an alien. Like these guys did. The only thing that could possibly be funnier is the slow motion replay they've included, complete with slowed down sound.
Going outside to investigate and then running away from what's probably some idiot teenager in a hoodie seems to be pretty common. Actually, mistaking anything for what you want it to be is pretty common. Here's ten agonising minutes of space junk caught on film that people think is ten minutes of NASA UFO footage. Note please their use of the word "expert" in the title.
If you managed to sit through those ten minutes, congratulations. Here's a much shorter video that feels like it's ten minutes long. Wait, which bit is meant to be the UFO? Oh, those three lights. Those three lights that could be anything at all?
Ghost Cars (Seriously)
When you think of normal ghost videos on YouTube, you probably think of clip shows of photoshopped images or some idiot pranking his friends. I bet you didn't think of a ghost car, though. Yes, that's right. a car that seemingly drives through a fence automatically becomes a ghost car that baffles the police. And that video is so popular, it needed not one, but two different videos explaining how the car is, in fact, solid.
Oh, but if you thought that was the only "ghost car," think again. Here's another one, complete with freaked out woman who somehow is convinced by the guy that the headlights they saw belong to a ghost car. Seriously?
Hang on. How can you tell whether something that far away "definitely drove into the trees". Shouldn't you go to see whether it wasn't a real car that crashed?!
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Monday, 5 July 2010
Review: This time you can't relate to it!
Welcome, freaks of various sorts, welcome to Rapture another of my lovely, informative poorly thought out rambles!
Right, I'm going to show you all how to do something. It's called "New Journalism". It sorta goes like this:
1. Take a topic which is traditionally reviewed in a certain way (i.e.: Quick outline of plot or concept, likes, dislikes, and a star rating)
2. Replace everything with an insane ramble about how the item of the review makes you wish that you named your dog something else
3. Forget the first 2 rules and just make something up.
I suppose all that's required now is a topic. The current temperature is approximately this. So let's go with...
Things that have been played kind of recently by one or more parties Co-Starring: Delightful Girlfriend
Eufloria - 2009
I think this one can be called "OMG SEED RUSH KEKEKEKE ^___________^" or something equally as abhorrant, but I prefer to think of it as "The sunflower I was given died in the frost and this is a constant reminder of my failures to prevent it from being run over by my neighbour". It's pretty, like those arty wallpapers that those snotty art students who live in a factory and die of exposure would have on their Apple computers WHICH ARE ONLY TO BE USED FOR PHOTOSHOP. Except this one has potentially got laser things in it! Also I can't stop thinking about freaking biology text books whenever I play this damn thing. All those chromosomes and plant bits everywhere. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?
AMAZING MOVING PICTURES WITH PHONOGRAPHIC SOUND!
Delightful Girlfriend thinks that this game is very pretty, but confusing because of counter intuitive UI. Also she likes it when the sounds make their humming sound.
Osmos - 2009
This one goes BLOOP BLOOP BLUM BLUM BLIM and every single review on the Interfails will refer to it as "Ambient" or "Relaxing", whereas most of the words I choose are "OH NOE OH NOE OH NOE". It's got music which there is never enough of, it's got very pretty pretties, and it's a simple concept (being BALLS TOUCHING BALLS). The problem is that I find it insanely frustrating, but, after playing with Delightful Girlfriend, I found that I was just too aggressive when it came to the amazing pooping ball. Her feelings on this matter are almost identical to mine. The early stuff is fun, the late stuff is "IT IS PRETTY AND I HATE IT". It's still highly recommended. I believe it was playing at a certain person's housewarming because it makes a brilliant background for things like parties in fidget houses of Relaxation punctuated with severe rage.
DEFCON - 2006
Ever wanted to be Mathew Broderick? No? TOO BLOODY BAD. Because now you have to be him. Forever. Or at least until this game saps your faith in the inherient goodness of your fellow man. It's all "Megatonnes" this and "London Hit: 12.4 Million Dead" that. I once played this for 2 days. After I wanted to go outside and live in a cave and cry. Which is how I like to imagine Thom Yorke feels like all the time. Or at least until he realises how awful In Rainbows was. There was a reason that album was free, I'll let you guess why, but it rhymes with "Bomb-pleat Kit". Anyway, instead of conjecture, I'll let this here VIDEOES portray the mood of "BLEAK EFFICIENCY".
Delightful Girlfriend calls this the "Horribly depressing game that I don't like even slightly *cries*". It's also the "I'm not playing that, it's horrible"-est game of the year (if the year is 2006).
Team Fortress 2 - 2007
I've said and done more than needs to be ever said about this. It is like an old friend who keeps suprising you with the same old tricks. However, it is also a favourite of Delightful Girlfriend, and results in a reversal of the traditional partner roles. As in I make dinner and clean up, she plays computer games. Also she's quite good at it, as it's easy enough to pick up and play for FUNS. Even though this is the INTERNET. AND SERIOUS. It is easily her pick of the lot (being every game ever, apparently!), probably because it is a mix of her love of Cuteness and ENGINEERING and SILLEH. Everyone loves a hat parade.
Just Cause 2 - 2009
"I am a swarthy Latin clown. I like attaching people to things. It brings me... Pleasure."
Maybe it's just the inner sociopath in me, but there is something so deeply enjoyable about riding on top of someones car whilst they yell "GET OFF THE ROOF". That and causing "LUDACRIS EXPLOSIONS". It's manly. ish. Also leaves a feeling in my stomach. Probably a deep worry about the quality of the building codes in this country.
The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom - 2010
Produced by the studio with the BEST NAME AND LOGO in a competition held completely within my brain, this has things I like. Insane things, Pies, and GENTLEMEN DOING TERRIBLE THINGS TO THEMSELVES. It is stylish, but very like Osmos. In that I had a tendancy to want to quit after about 20 minutes. Goddamn pies. BUT I HUNGER. I suppose it's like American Dad. You watch a bit, get upset at yourself, and then come back to it later. Rinse and Repeat.
Dragon Age: Origins - 2009
Fun times: try to play as an Atheist. You can't. Also you'll get all spotty and every good person is violating human rights and ever EVIL person is probably doing it to save his puppy from cute-itis and support his family and put his daughter through med-school. Also it shows that everyone has a price. But the price tends to be rings and statues and hilarious candies. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU. The secret to love is trinkets. Thanks, Bioware!
Mass Effect 2 - 2009
Let me quote Matt Graham on the quality of the history generator: (half sobbing)"WREX ISN'T DEAD". I put it like this: IN A WORLD... WHERE PEOPLE LIVE... AND DIE... WHAT YOU SAY IN A MEMORY TEST OVERRIDES WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED DUE TO SLOPPY CODING. Never shoved a gun in that dudes' face either. Grumble mumble. Apart from the "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN" moments, it's well put together, and enjoyable, sort of the opposite of Kingsley's Chicken, which to you Novocastrians is what Henny Penny would be like if you removed the delicious taste and replaced it with remorse. I like it significantly. Also gives me an excuse to sing this
Delightful Girlfriend: "Just one more mission, I can't stop now." You've got work in the morning. "But it is addictive" Yes, and now you understand my terrible plight "OOOH NOOO".
FUEL - 2009
Massive, beautiful, but empty world, boring game with AI so bad that I'm actually capable of winning in the Extreme Downhill Motorcyclish Failure of Hilarity race. A good hallmark of a racing game is that I should be completely incapable of winning. This is no so here. The most interesting thing that's ever been written about FUEL is this half delerious mess.
Grand Theft Auto IV - 2008
"PRESS SPACE TO PULL YOURSELF INTO THE HELICOPTER." IT DOESN'T WORK, THE MAN FALLS INTO THE RIVER BECAUSE HE'S WEAK, AND THE VILLIAN GOT AWAY AFTER SHOOTING UP THE WEDDING BECAUSE THIS IS GRITTY. There, that's the actual end as far as I'm concerned, because this is one of those things that tries so hard to be tough, but ends up as just getting annoying and going from "I don't care" to "RAAAR", which I read as "I HAVE NO EMOTIONAL GRADIENT. IT IS A CLIFF". This is one of the few things I have no problems leaving as it is, because it's unwatchable, like a video with the sound shifted by 3 seconds.
Braid - 2009
Soulja Boy is the most astute reviewer in the history of mankind. Therefore, anything I say will detract from his brilliance. OH NOE.
Dead Space - 2008
Finally, we get to this. Or as I call it "Mr. Stompy's Hilarious Engineering Adventure". Right, I want you to come up with the most blatently awful name for a man. Fit it to a genre. It'd be like having a movie about a female period writer called "Emily Austin" or "Jane Bronte". Considering this, we end up with a PROTA-GON-NIST called (Brace yourself) "Isaac Clarke". So, MISTER STOMPY is off on his adventure of screaming and putting boots through boxes and ARM PIECES on a series of "plot twists" more predictable than the reaction my intestines will have when I drink a litre of milk.
Now, Delightful Girlfriend had seen the promotional comics for this game, and wanted to know what it was like because she was interested. I showed her a bit of it. Her reaction was "Can we stop now, I'm scared". How scared? This scared. HOWEVER. She was playing it wrong! It's not a horror game! It's a COMEDY GAME. The hilarious 1 dimensional characters, coupled with the japes you'll have with the "enemies" make this a joyous romp of sillyness. You've got things which might as well say "HEY MAN I'VE GOT NO LEGS BUT I'VE GOT A TAIL IT'S PRETTY NEAT YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT?" and "THIS IS LIKE A JUMPING CASTLE COMBINED WITH A TUMBLE DRYER AND THERE IS EVEN A KITTY" "SUPRISE! It's your BIRTHDAY!" "I'm bringing Sexy Back" and "(giggles)Stoppp it! You'll give me a hickey!". There's even callbacks to Father Ted "It's the Spider Baby! It's got the body of a spider, but the mind of a baby!"
Overall impressions? Simple
Right, I'm going to show you all how to do something. It's called "New Journalism". It sorta goes like this:
1. Take a topic which is traditionally reviewed in a certain way (i.e.: Quick outline of plot or concept, likes, dislikes, and a star rating)
2. Replace everything with an insane ramble about how the item of the review makes you wish that you named your dog something else
3. Forget the first 2 rules and just make something up.
I suppose all that's required now is a topic. The current temperature is approximately this. So let's go with...
Things that have been played kind of recently by one or more parties Co-Starring: Delightful Girlfriend
Eufloria - 2009
I think this one can be called "OMG SEED RUSH KEKEKEKE ^___________^" or something equally as abhorrant, but I prefer to think of it as "The sunflower I was given died in the frost and this is a constant reminder of my failures to prevent it from being run over by my neighbour". It's pretty, like those arty wallpapers that those snotty art students who live in a factory and die of exposure would have on their Apple computers WHICH ARE ONLY TO BE USED FOR PHOTOSHOP. Except this one has potentially got laser things in it! Also I can't stop thinking about freaking biology text books whenever I play this damn thing. All those chromosomes and plant bits everywhere. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?
AMAZING MOVING PICTURES WITH PHONOGRAPHIC SOUND!
Delightful Girlfriend thinks that this game is very pretty, but confusing because of counter intuitive UI. Also she likes it when the sounds make their humming sound.
Osmos - 2009
This one goes BLOOP BLOOP BLUM BLUM BLIM and every single review on the Interfails will refer to it as "Ambient" or "Relaxing", whereas most of the words I choose are "OH NOE OH NOE OH NOE". It's got music which there is never enough of, it's got very pretty pretties, and it's a simple concept (being BALLS TOUCHING BALLS). The problem is that I find it insanely frustrating, but, after playing with Delightful Girlfriend, I found that I was just too aggressive when it came to the amazing pooping ball. Her feelings on this matter are almost identical to mine. The early stuff is fun, the late stuff is "IT IS PRETTY AND I HATE IT". It's still highly recommended. I believe it was playing at a certain person's housewarming because it makes a brilliant background for things like parties in fidget houses of Relaxation punctuated with severe rage.
DEFCON - 2006
Ever wanted to be Mathew Broderick? No? TOO BLOODY BAD. Because now you have to be him. Forever. Or at least until this game saps your faith in the inherient goodness of your fellow man. It's all "Megatonnes" this and "London Hit: 12.4 Million Dead" that. I once played this for 2 days. After I wanted to go outside and live in a cave and cry. Which is how I like to imagine Thom Yorke feels like all the time. Or at least until he realises how awful In Rainbows was. There was a reason that album was free, I'll let you guess why, but it rhymes with "Bomb-pleat Kit". Anyway, instead of conjecture, I'll let this here VIDEOES portray the mood of "BLEAK EFFICIENCY".
Delightful Girlfriend calls this the "Horribly depressing game that I don't like even slightly *cries*". It's also the "I'm not playing that, it's horrible"-est game of the year (if the year is 2006).
Team Fortress 2 - 2007
I've said and done more than needs to be ever said about this. It is like an old friend who keeps suprising you with the same old tricks. However, it is also a favourite of Delightful Girlfriend, and results in a reversal of the traditional partner roles. As in I make dinner and clean up, she plays computer games. Also she's quite good at it, as it's easy enough to pick up and play for FUNS. Even though this is the INTERNET. AND SERIOUS. It is easily her pick of the lot (being every game ever, apparently!), probably because it is a mix of her love of Cuteness and ENGINEERING and SILLEH. Everyone loves a hat parade.
Just Cause 2 - 2009
"I am a swarthy Latin clown. I like attaching people to things. It brings me... Pleasure."
Maybe it's just the inner sociopath in me, but there is something so deeply enjoyable about riding on top of someones car whilst they yell "GET OFF THE ROOF". That and causing "LUDACRIS EXPLOSIONS". It's manly. ish. Also leaves a feeling in my stomach. Probably a deep worry about the quality of the building codes in this country.
The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom - 2010
Produced by the studio with the BEST NAME AND LOGO in a competition held completely within my brain, this has things I like. Insane things, Pies, and GENTLEMEN DOING TERRIBLE THINGS TO THEMSELVES. It is stylish, but very like Osmos. In that I had a tendancy to want to quit after about 20 minutes. Goddamn pies. BUT I HUNGER. I suppose it's like American Dad. You watch a bit, get upset at yourself, and then come back to it later. Rinse and Repeat.
Dragon Age: Origins - 2009
Fun times: try to play as an Atheist. You can't. Also you'll get all spotty and every good person is violating human rights and ever EVIL person is probably doing it to save his puppy from cute-itis and support his family and put his daughter through med-school. Also it shows that everyone has a price. But the price tends to be rings and statues and hilarious candies. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU. The secret to love is trinkets. Thanks, Bioware!
Mass Effect 2 - 2009
Let me quote Matt Graham on the quality of the history generator: (half sobbing)"WREX ISN'T DEAD". I put it like this: IN A WORLD... WHERE PEOPLE LIVE... AND DIE... WHAT YOU SAY IN A MEMORY TEST OVERRIDES WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED DUE TO SLOPPY CODING. Never shoved a gun in that dudes' face either. Grumble mumble. Apart from the "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN" moments, it's well put together, and enjoyable, sort of the opposite of Kingsley's Chicken, which to you Novocastrians is what Henny Penny would be like if you removed the delicious taste and replaced it with remorse. I like it significantly. Also gives me an excuse to sing this
Delightful Girlfriend: "Just one more mission, I can't stop now." You've got work in the morning. "But it is addictive" Yes, and now you understand my terrible plight "OOOH NOOO".
FUEL - 2009
Massive, beautiful, but empty world, boring game with AI so bad that I'm actually capable of winning in the Extreme Downhill Motorcyclish Failure of Hilarity race. A good hallmark of a racing game is that I should be completely incapable of winning. This is no so here. The most interesting thing that's ever been written about FUEL is this half delerious mess.
Grand Theft Auto IV - 2008
"PRESS SPACE TO PULL YOURSELF INTO THE HELICOPTER." IT DOESN'T WORK, THE MAN FALLS INTO THE RIVER BECAUSE HE'S WEAK, AND THE VILLIAN GOT AWAY AFTER SHOOTING UP THE WEDDING BECAUSE THIS IS GRITTY. There, that's the actual end as far as I'm concerned, because this is one of those things that tries so hard to be tough, but ends up as just getting annoying and going from "I don't care" to "RAAAR", which I read as "I HAVE NO EMOTIONAL GRADIENT. IT IS A CLIFF". This is one of the few things I have no problems leaving as it is, because it's unwatchable, like a video with the sound shifted by 3 seconds.
Braid - 2009
Soulja Boy is the most astute reviewer in the history of mankind. Therefore, anything I say will detract from his brilliance. OH NOE.
Dead Space - 2008
Finally, we get to this. Or as I call it "Mr. Stompy's Hilarious Engineering Adventure". Right, I want you to come up with the most blatently awful name for a man. Fit it to a genre. It'd be like having a movie about a female period writer called "Emily Austin" or "Jane Bronte". Considering this, we end up with a PROTA-GON-NIST called (Brace yourself) "Isaac Clarke". So, MISTER STOMPY is off on his adventure of screaming and putting boots through boxes and ARM PIECES on a series of "plot twists" more predictable than the reaction my intestines will have when I drink a litre of milk.
Now, Delightful Girlfriend had seen the promotional comics for this game, and wanted to know what it was like because she was interested. I showed her a bit of it. Her reaction was "Can we stop now, I'm scared". How scared? This scared. HOWEVER. She was playing it wrong! It's not a horror game! It's a COMEDY GAME. The hilarious 1 dimensional characters, coupled with the japes you'll have with the "enemies" make this a joyous romp of sillyness. You've got things which might as well say "HEY MAN I'VE GOT NO LEGS BUT I'VE GOT A TAIL IT'S PRETTY NEAT YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT?" and "THIS IS LIKE A JUMPING CASTLE COMBINED WITH A TUMBLE DRYER AND THERE IS EVEN A KITTY" "SUPRISE! It's your BIRTHDAY!" "I'm bringing Sexy Back" and "(giggles)Stoppp it! You'll give me a hickey!". There's even callbacks to Father Ted "It's the Spider Baby! It's got the body of a spider, but the mind of a baby!"
Overall impressions? Simple
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