No one can resist....

No one....

Chapter 71: In which Seb appears to die a little inside

Hey Esteemsters!
It's a night of madness, and heat. So what better way to spend it than fornicatingBAD SEB! Well, it's either this or egging children in Halloween costumes. Aye, we're once again at that time of the year when everything seems to happen at once, and the nasties break forth from the Earth and chew on our minds.
So, how can we assist ourselves in avoiding a gruesome fate such as this? I dunno, so you'd better ask elsewhere, or just go back to dreaming like a mad bugger about things.
Like a machine that grants all your wishes.
Anything that lets you live out your ultimate fantasy job can't be all that bad, right? Right?
Oh lord. It's too hot. I think that something has melted inside my cortex.
I may return, but I doubt it.
Maybe it's all an insane dream, and I'll wake up and there'll be a guy going "You fell in a ditch"

MacDeath: The Original Soundtrack

Hey Funkers!
Because I care OH SO MUCH, here's a little Tasty Treat! It's the Somewhat-Official Soundtrack to MacDeath!
Now, for the audience participation section, Let's let you all attempt to figure out what song corresponds to what bit of the film!
Also: HAT PARADE!
Signin' out!
-Funkinator One.

MACDEATH -OR- The Über

Scene opens on Newsagent, where Macbeth strides triumphantly, his morbidly obese friend Banquo (who is wearing a "I'm #1, So why try any harder?" T-Shirt) in tow. He is beaming, as he has just won a fabulous prize: the last of the Women's Weekly Magazines from a crowd of deranged Big Brother fans. He parts with Banquo, who enters the subway to find dinner, and eagerly returns home and reads his favorite section, the Horoscopes.

Macbeth examines the page until he finds the relevant sign, Taurus. It says "Everything that you strive to achieve will turn around and smack you in the face, your friends will fail just like you and so will all their children. P.S. You will grow fat & die soon". Macbeth misinterprets all this as a good thing and rings up his Ex, just to rub it in her face. Scene cuts to Lady Macbeth. She is a Crack Whore working near Loch Ness, selling corn dogs at a derelict stand. She turns around to answer her phone (turning her back to Loch, where Nessy has just appeared, along with many tourists) and shudders when a cry of "WASSSUP?" is yelled down the line. She slams down the phone & decides to go and pay Macbeth a visit.

Macbeth is reading the Women’s Weekly on the toilet. Lady Macbeth & her CHUM-addicted-dog kick down his front door and storm into the house. She grabs Macbeth, pulling him off the toilet, holds him up by the scuff of his neck, and asks what the hell is his problem. The Women’s Weekly then falls open to the Horoscopes page, where Macbeth has circled his star sign (Taurus). Macbeth stutters: "The stars are good for me, they say I am lucky. That's why I called you". He also is holding an ID pass to Microsoft's HQ, where he works as a Janitor, which draws Lady Macbeth’s eye. The card is shown to have a special event pass on it, the annual Microsoft Festival of Failure. "Bill ‘Duncan’ Gates goes there tonight!" he says, pointing at the event info.
Lady Macbeth convinces Macbeth to kill Mr. Gates and take over Microsoft. Later, in the Microsoft HQ ballroom, Lady Macbeth has been telling Mr. Gates all about how good at toilet cleaning Macbeth is.
Macbeth is pacing around under the ventilation system up on the roof, where he is about to enter it. Macbeth says: "Is this a dagger I see before me?" as a shiny metallic object appears before him.
Lady Macbeth appears, holding a Heckler & Koch .45 P9S and says "No, dipshit, this is a gun".

Scene cuts to Macbeth crawling through the air vents (ala Mission Impossible). Macbeth spots Mr ‘Duncan’ Gates, removes the grate at the back of his office, and lowers himself down, landing quietly behind ‘Duncan’. It is then revealed, much to Macbeth’s shock, that Bill ‘Duncan’ Gates is using… an iMac! Macbeth composes himself, then cries "HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN? ALL YOUR FACE ARE BELONGING TO US!" ‘Duncan’ then spins around in his swivel chair rather quickly, to see who made such an outrageous claim, only to have Macbeth fires his pistol 10 times at point blank range, covering both of them in blood splatter. Macbeth reloads his gun and shoots the two guards holding FN P90's outside the door.
He returns to the desk and writes on ‘Duncan's’ stick-it pad under ‘TO-DO's’: “1. Promote Macbeth to CEO” “2. DIE".
Back outside near the air-conditioner vents, Lady Macbeth is playing hip-hop music on her iPhone, fairly oblivious to the world around her.

Macbeth throws his bloody suit out from the air vent, hitting her trashy ballroom gown, and smearing blood on it. "OH, all the OMO of Arabia shall not remove this blot!" Lady Macbeth cries. Macbeth tells her that there isn't any OMO in Arabia, and just to get over it. Just then the cops turn up, and are immediately drawn to the sight of a Scottish Terrier in a Holden Sandman eating CHUM like there is no tomorrow. There is saliva on everything inside the car, including the many needles and crack pipes in the back. There is some evidence of leakage, dripping out of the doors onto the asphalt below. One Cop says "Such foul a night I have not seen!" We cut to a flash back of the Cop throwing up on the shoes of the chief at his Birthday party, and getting kicked in the groin for his efforts. Flashback disappears. "Nope, I was wrong".

Down in the parking lot, Macbeth watches as Banquo blunders, totally drunk, into the security booth and passes out. Macbeth then sees himself killing ‘Duncan’ on the monitor.

Macbeth walks the spaced-out Lady Macbeth back to the vile Sandman, and gets in the back with her. Bumping sounds are heard, as well as the occasional dog yelp and sound of the suspension under stress. There’s the muffled cry of “CHUNKY!” at one point.

The next day, Macbeth is appointed to CEO of Microsoft at a big lunch break, so he sets up a CHUM stand for all his idiot employees, distracting them while he calls his “Soul Sister” and tells her to get her all her Brothers & Uncles & Cousins & Lobsters together for a very special 'Job'. The entourage arrives, and Macbeth tells his new goons to jump Banquo and his pet monkey, Fleance, down in the parking lot.
Banquo and his monkey are in car park, doing nothing in particular, when the goons descend upon Banquo from all sides. They are dressed in sharp Disco clothes and are wielding high-powered electric cattle prods. "Fly Fleance, Fly!" shouts Banquo. The monkey flaps its arms up & down, only to get whacked on the butt with a cattle prod and fall into a storm water drain.

Lightning strikes over the new Microsoft Headquarters, as Macbeth ordered it be relocated to Scotland, so he wouldn't have to drive very far to get to work. Macbeth is sitting, listening to the board of directors, while reclining his sofa. Suddenly he jumps up, appearing agitated. We see a psychedelic viewpoint, Macbeth’s, with Banquo in it looking idiotic as usual. Back in reality, a closeup of Macbeth's arse reveals that he has one of Lady Macbeth's needles jabbed into him. Macbeth, who is naturally quite worried by the return of Banquo, consults the Women’s Weekly again. He finds that the horoscopes have been replaced with the “Mystic Hags”, a $5.95 a minute hotline, so he calls it. A voice which sounds like a very bored housewife tells him that he is unpopular, will be removed from office by normal people and will only survive be fine if Burning Wood do come in Dumpsters at Microsoft. He makes a stupid noise and hangs up, once again completely misinterpreting the message. He gets a Text Message on his busted up Sony Ericsson K700i, saying that Macduff (one of the executives at Microsoft) has gone over to Apple. He then dials on his mobile and arranges for the trashing of Macduff's home.
Cut to Macduff's home, where Lady Macduff is sitting in a chair eating chocolate and watching Jerry Springer. She has rollers in her hair and is dressed in garish pajamas. Suddenly the door bursts open and automatic weapons fire fills the house. We cut to Macduff’s 9 yr old son playing on his N64 in the living room. One of the pistol packing punks challenges him to a game of Perfect Dark. The camera focuses on the two as they duel it out, while a ridiculously over-armed team continues to destroy Macduff’s house & it’s occupants. This continues until the kid throws up his controller in frustration, crying "Mother, he has killed me!". He storms out of the room in anger, ignoring all the gunfire/mutilated bodies around him, goes to the fridge, pulls out a can of CHUM, puts it in a bowl and eats it.

We now cut to Lady Macbeth hallucinating with crack pipe in hand, outside of a very cheap motel. She falls into the Loch and is promptly eaten by Nessy.
Back at Microsoft, Macbeth is swearing at his phone. He switches off Text messages. Macbeth goes over his PC, where Live! Messenger is running. He sees that his wife's pusher, the one that he had bribed to get her out of the way, has written “she got 8 lol”. Macbeth writes "YAY! KTHXBYE", and logs off computer.

Outside Microsoft, Macduff and some people from Apple are ready to storm the building and get Macbeth. Macduff, who is leading this attack, receives a call, and learns of the destruction of both his home & family from his landlord (who is quite pissed off, and tells him that he’s not getting his bond back). The Apple employees and Macduff don their riot gear, and, using a dumpster filled with wood, charge into Microsoft’s foyer, running over several cans of CHUM on their way. We see Lady Macbeth’s dog reappear, chasing the CHUM clogged wheels of the dumpster, as it is forced through the front pane of glass.
Macbeth is watching this all unfold from inside the foyer. He is donned in his finest dark suit and Armani sunglasses, and is armed with an nasty looking rifle (An XM8, or whatever is cooler looking). The invaders rush from behind the dumpster into the foyer, which is filled with pillars. Macbeth suddenly appears and shots at the closest man. A Coke vending machine is the only other object standing out in the granite & marble room. Macbeth suddenly remembers that average, normal people surround him, so, believing that he is bulletproof, a gunfight begins. For 5 minutes, Macbeth gradually eliminates all but one of the people trying to kill him (Yes, it’s a complete and utter Matrix Lobby Scene Rip-off). Clearly unbothered by the last man, he goes over to buy a Coke, but receives a can of CHUM from the machine instead. Macbeth is too pumped up on adreneline to notice this important fact, and swigs down the entire can.
Behind Macbeth, the last Apple invader takes off his face mask, revealing that Macduff. He shouts, "You killed ‘Duncan’, pissed off my landlord, but to top it all off, you called the Mystic Hags, didn't you? Well, I had your line tapped and … I'm a test tube baby!"

Macbeth suddenly realizes what he has just ‘drunk’ and looks rather ill. Macduff then shoots him in the back. Macbeth falls to the floor, apparently dead. Macduff leaves triumphantly, playing “The Final Countdown” on his phone’s loudspeaker.
Approximately 3 hours later, we see the inside of a darkened ambulance, where the body of Macbeth lies on a gurney. Macbeth’s eyes suddenly open, and he removes his shirt, revealing a bulletproof vest. Macbeth, then vomits CHUM onto the camera, and says “Mmm … Extra Chunky".
Credits Roll.

Here's a thing to keep ya goin'

Right, a first up here's a certain game that's quite close to my heart, except in Flash form.
Also, the watch that hates America!
In the mean time, you may all rest easy in the knowledge that the Über is coming. Don't fret.