Eurovision Roundup 2008: Now With Three Kinds of Turkey!

For the first time in Eurovisions 50+ year history, we've been graced with three nights of the strangely horrid spectacle. So many countries entered this year that they decided to have semi-finals, instead of some weird preliminary final thing.

So here is my summary, for those that missed it, or were not daring enough to watch it. (If you really want to see them, SBS has all the acts on their website.)


Semi-Final One: Cake and Candy Canes

If there is one thing the first semi-final of Eurovision taught me, it's that if Terry Wogan retires from commentating the final, the future is in good hands with Paddy O'Connell. This man gives Wogan a run for his money in the Department of Snark. There was also a woman, but she hardly got a word in.

Now, for those of you planning to only watch the final, you missed out. As we shall soon discover, some of the gold didn't quite make it through to the final. The rules of the semi-finals are simple: 19 countries compete. 10 countries go through. 9 miss out. (For those craving a little more complexity, votes tallied send 9 through, and a panel picks the tenth.)

After an overly enthusiastic brass band tried to emulate previous winning Eurovision entries, or represent the countries, or something (I'm not exactly sure) we wasted no time in getting on with the main event. Which is a change, because usually they take forever. Oh, wait. These are the just the semis, I've got all those torturous waits in the final to look forward to.

And so Serbia and Montenegro had the honour of opening the main event, by giving us Tom Cruise from his long-haired Mission: Impossible II days, with four blonde spice girls dressed in leather. Isreal gave us poor fashion sense, and Estonia gave us Hi-5..... with three old men, pictures of cake and onion, and a couple of national flags that were distinctly Greek and German. I hope you watched this, because you won't be seeing them in the final, unfortunately.

Following Moldova's lesson on how to import a Jazz nightclub into your living room, we had San Marino. Yes, I am just as surprised as you that there is a country in the world called San Marino. San Marino's entry was Hammond from Top Gear, only more Italian, and probably taller.

Belgium pretty much gave us a singing candy cane, backed up by Belgian chocolate.

From this point on, it was a mixture of the bizarre with standard 90's Eurovision pop, occasionally interjected by Julia Zemerio, who should probably stop ordering the martinis. So let's summarise what was left over, without all the boring details.

Romanaia had a guy in a suit, and a woman with a dress covered in seaweed.

If Beyonce came from Greece, then you'd have the Greek entr-- wait a minute, why is she talking with a New York accent?!?!?!

And that brings us to Ireland. I'm sure by now we've all heard about Ireland's controversial entry: a singing puppet turkey. Count the puppeteer as a person on stage, and you have seven people. Rules state you can only have six. Yet it got through. Some of the lyrics were (apparently) controversial. They probably got through because it was impossible to understand the damn thing.

Now, if you were like me, when you heard that Ireland's entry was not either Riverdance or an Irish balland but instead a puppet turkey, you would have been extremely excited and eager to see it. I expected some weird take on a children's TV program, with the puppet stuck up the back of the stage.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Instead, we got a turkey hand puppet on a moving trolley, like a sick and twisted version of Davros who sends whatever gazes upon it mad. The effect was not unlike internet shock sites: you're lured in by curiosity, and then scarred for life. Joke Eurovision entries are meant to be quirky, like Estonia or Spain. They are not meant to be more annoying than the Crazy Frog, yelling "Ireland, douze points!" Here we have turkey #1 (the puppet), and a good example of turkey #2 (bad acts).

Given that Ireland have won a record five times, you'd think they they would know better. Europe knew better, and killed the beast before it reached the finals.

Ireland: Null points.


Semi-Final Two: Silver Dresses Everywhere

If you have family members that are attracted to shiny things, chances are they were watching SBS on Saturday night. There was more silver than you can poke a stick at.

But Zemeiro's bookend at the beginning of Eurovision: Round 2 warned of something just as intriguing as the Irish turkey: Latvian pirates. More on that later.

First we had to contend with two bizarre moments in the opening sequence: crazy bom-bom-bom-ing singers with grass projected onto their shirts, and then the worst centaur costume I have ever seen. My knowledge of mythical creatures isn't great, but I'm pretty sure of two things: One, a centaur's back legs are not obviously static plastic, and two, a centaur does not have wings.

Don't worry, things got worse. This crazy centaur-angel was accompanied by a woman in a flower dress. I don't mean a dress with flowers painted onto the material. I mean the top half of the dress was an actual bouquet of flowers (probably also plastic). If that wasn't enough, those crazy instrumentalists from last night came back one, with bunches of grapes attached to their shirts. If only I was making this up.

The fruity theme continued when the host came out holding two apples. He explained why he had them. In French. Then he threw one into the audience, waited about 10 seconds, and then suggested that the audience catch the apple. By that time the audience had already caught the apple, and it was too late.

Like the first semi-final night, they wasted no time in getting things underway. Unlike last night, there was much more variety in the songs presented.

Iceland gave us what I would normally expect from Germany: happy happy life is good stuff. Sweden sang standard Swedish Eurovision stuff, in a silver dress. Ukraine gave us the most stereotypically Eurovision pop performance I have ever seen. And a silver dress. (More on Sweden and the Ukraine later.)

Lithuania were up next.... but I thought it was Latvia giving us pirates. Leather pants, puffy white shirt, long hair.... screams pirate to me. But the operatic singing ruined the pirate effect a little. ("12 points for the hair," quips O'Connell.)

Either Albania has watched Blade Runner too many times, or I have watched Blade Runner too many times, because their 16-year old singer was sporting a hair-style uncannily similar to the fashion in that film. Hell, maybe she really was a replicant, designed to win Eurovision.

After another interjection from Zemerio, we suddenly switched programming. Tonight on Mythbusters, Tori sings for Switzerland in Italian. With backup singers from the 80's who've touched that mirror from the Matrix, and whose arms are now disappearing.

The Czech Republic found rejects from the Pussycat Dolls for their entry. They were wearing....? You guessed it, silver dresses.

Belarus disappointed me. With a song called "Hasta La Vista," you think of one thing, and one thing only: Terminator. The one thing this song didn't have? Terminator imagery. Guess what the backup singers were wearing? Yes! Silver dresses!

I don't wish to dwell too much on Bulgaria's entry. It was truly awful. Not even having Tom Dickson (the guy from Will It Blend?) as a backup singer helped. Here's an idea Mr Dickson, see if that song blends. You'll be doing the world a favour.

At this point, I would like to take a break from the normal proceedings, and point out by far the most hilarious thing to come out of O'Connell's mouth, which occurred at about this point in proceedings. He was setting up his explanation for the next act, but got a little distracted: "You've seen a 16 year old tonight-- careful, don't touch that, it'll break..."

Hungary finally did what Ireland should have done: Failed at a ballad. Malta sang about vodka. No, really. I bet they wrote the song after drinking vodka, too.

Singing for Cyprus was a woman wearing....? If you didn't answer "silver dress", you haven't been paying attention! Not only was this a silver dress, but an extravagant silv-- What's this? Now it's the most hideous orange dress I have ever seen.

The F.Y.R. Macedonia gave us bad hip-hop/pop. Portugal tried to do what Serbia did to win last year. Not even having Oprah as a back-up singer could miraculously make this song not dull.

With second lot of 19 songs over, it was time to get voting underway, and who better to do that than Eurovisions first ever winner!.... Hang on. That's a pretty prestigious title to have. Why aren't you putting her on to get the voting started for the Finals? The answer became apparent when she answered the questions the hosts asked her.... or rather, didn't. She went off on her own tangents, before telling people to vote.

After reliving the horror, and then going to an ad break, Red Riding Hood arrived onstage to give the hosts the envelopes from her basket. O'Connell demonstrated psychic abilities, predicting which country would be read out on at least two occasions.

With the finalists in place, it was on to the final....


The Final: Wogan's Woe

Had Julia Zemeiro been drinking the whole time? Probably, but that didn't stop her from getting another one. I thought she'd had enough. She even started swaying, and the night hadn't even started yet!

And all this talk about the rules being explained on the SBS website? Not true. If you decided to look them up like I did, you would have discovered, to your horror, that instead of explaining them, they'd just cut and pasted the original rules themselves. (And boy, there's a lot of them.)

The finals introduced the one remaining thing that Eurovision is famous for, that we didn't encounter in the semis: Sir Terry Wogan. I've already touched on his commentary style, but if you've forgotten already, here it is summed up in one word: Snarky. Be careful. In between each act is a little "postcard," designed to introduce the next country (or just provide a brief interlude between each act). Wogan has been known to give away the endings for some of them.

The only countries that didn't have to qualify in the semis are the U.K., Germany, France, Spain, and Serbia. The first four because they pump the most money into the thing, and Serbia because making Serbia qualify the hard way when the thing is being held in Serbia is stupid.

In keeping with the theme of opening musical numbers that make no sense, we get a traditional Eurovision opening musical number that makes no sense: last year's winner. But hang on. I saw last year's Eurovision, and this isn't the version she sung back then. The version she sang last year was a slow, operatic ballad with soldiers in the background. This version was an upbeat disco remix, with those mannequins from Doctor Who that came to life in the background.

Then we find the source of Zemeiro's alcoholic stash (and why Wogan can't seem to get any): the hosts are hoarding it all. Those glasses of champagne are the give-away.

The U.K. was the first "highlight" of the evening (even though it was the second act). The U.K. was one of those acts that at first you think, "Hey, this isn't bad." But then you suddenly realise, about halfway through, "Wait a minute.... This is CRAP." I don't know whether it was the dull attempt at funk, or whether it was the blindingly bad colour scheme. My money's on the latter. It was eye-burning. The out-of-place pyrotechnics didn't help it, either. (But then again, what would Eurovision be without pyrotechnics?)

After that was the 16 year old, looking slightly more sensible with a normal hair-style, followed by Germany. Those who know the Eurovision drinking game will know what Germany are notorious for singing about: happiness and love. Guess what? They didn't sing about it at all. Instead, we discovered the real reason the Spice Girls cancelled their tour of Australia: they'd ditched one of their members, been practising for Eurovision, and in the process become extremely untalented. They'd even forgotten how to harmonise properly.

Bosnia and Herzegovania's act, which somehow made it through from semi-final one, was bizarre. The act was bizarre enough during the semi. Somehow, the act seemed even more bizarre tonight. Their song, according to Wogan, was called "Experiment". This was an experiment gone wrong. Think Angus and Julia Stone. Now give them large amounts of drugs, and throw four knitting brides in the background. That was what this act was.

If you watched the semis, then you'll experience the first major change in format (slight changes in costumes or possible changes in musical arrangement don't count). Yes, we cut to the hosts. Or, in this case, someone else completely: the Serbian equivalent of Paris Hilton.

When I saw Israel's entry in the semis, I suggested that the dude lose the silver vest he was wearing. He didn't listen. Now, can someone answer me this question: Did he sing any of his song in English during the semi-final? It probably doesn't matter, because the total number of lines he sang in English was about 1. Great idea.

And then we come to Finland. You should all know by now that Finland won a couple of years ago by entering a bizarre metal band dressed as orcs singing about the apocalypse - excuse me, a-rock-alypse. This year, they thought they'd give it another shot, and enter a gothic rock band again. Sure, these guys only had long hair and were dressed in leather, but two of their band members seemed to only have one purpose: hold up a huge freaking axe, and a huge freaking mace, occasionally putting them down to bash a drum. Yes. That's right. A huge mace. It's a pity these guys hardly scored any points in the final tally.

Up after that, was Croatia, who presented 75 Cents. Can you guess what it was? If you guess a 75 year old rapper, you're wrong. He hardly rapped at all. He just yelled occasionally. I wouldn't be surprised if he was yelling at the audience to keep the noise down. Bonus points if you guessed they also had liquid in bottles as one of their instruments. Points are automatically un-awarded because the camera work in the finals revealed that the woman (who spent more time dancing than playing the bottles) wasn't actually playing them. No points if you also guessed that 75 Cent spun and scratched records on a gramophone. You should have seen that one coming.

A couple of acts later, and we finally reach Turkey #3: Turkey, the country. Turkey traditionally give us belly dancers. (You're smart people. You can figure out why.) They gave us an emo rock band. How that one made it through the semis is beyond me. Perhaps it was the quality of the other acts in the semis.

After the forgettable return of Portugal (if only it really was over after the fat lady sang, as Wogan pointed out), the keen eyed viewer would have sighted an Australian flag in the audience! And that was not the end of it. Latvia were up next.

Here's what Latvia graced us with: PIRATES. You want a more thorough explanation? Okay. Cheesy costumes, cheesy lyrics, and the most confusing song title ever. If you're act is called Pirates of the Sea, I don't think it's a good idea to call your song Wolves of the Sea. But everyone remembers one act from Eurovision, and this is that act.

Sweden's singer was still in her silver dress, but she had less eye-makeup on this time around. When the song first started in the semis, her skin looked grey (like it did in the finals), and her eye make-up made her eyes look huge and black. My first thought was, "Oh crap. The aliens have landed." My second thought was, "That explains a lot about Eurovision, actually." No such luck. The lighting made her look grey. She did have a young Bert Newton backing her, though. And lasers.

Denmark followed. Denmark wanted to celebrate all night long. Given how often he seemed to steal lines from other songs, he probably could have, too.

That brings us to one of the more impressive acts of the night. Sure, Georgia's fashion sense was a mix between the 80's, The Matrix, and black garbage bags.... but it magically changed to white clothing halfway through. That's right. It wasn't just the lead singer that got changed. Everyone got changed within a 20 second period. Sure, the lead singer looked like Lily Allen had gone goth (and then evangelical)... but she was also blind. That really makes you wonder about the magic costume change now, doesn't it?

Remember what I said about the Ukraine's entry? How it was the most stereotypical Eurvision entry I have ever seen? I'm not kidding. 90's Eurovision pop with 90's Eurovision pop choreography. Upwards head nodding included. It still cracks me up.

For those playing the drinking game, take a drink! The hostess has changed her dress!

France gave us one of the Bee Gees. Who arrived on the stage in a dune buggy. Then, halfway through the song, he inhaled helium. And then kept singing. I was too stunned to remember anything else about it.

The strangeness continued, with Azerbaijan. When I first saw Azerbaijan in the semis, the following thought entered my mind: "Lordi have dies and gone to heaven.... And Hell." Operatic rock, angels in white, and the devil in black. Connect the dots. Did I mention that the devil ends up an angel in heaven? Did I miss something there?

After Greek/New York Beyonce did her thing again, we got to Spain. According to Wogan, "The Spanish entry is.... different." He's not kidding. If Rolf Harris was Spanish, and his father was Elvis, you'd get Spain's entry, complete with clumsy back-up dancer who can't keep in time with the rest. And I thought Estonia's entry was bizarre. This made even less sense! Why did he mention the Macarena? Why did he mention Robocop? WHY?

Serbia's entry reminded me of the good old days when Eurovision was full of culture. A very traditional song, that reminded me of a cross between feudal Japan and Middle Earth. And it was even easy to sing along to! Everybody now: "No-nah-ney, no-nah-no-nah-no-nah-no-nah-no-nah-ney, no-nah-ney."

After Serbia was a complete lack of regard for occupational health and safety. Russia had an ice-skater. Yes, an ice-skater. And this ice-skater was in close proximity to the most energetic violinist I have ever seen. That elbow was flailing everywhere. Do you see the problem now?

Take another drink. The hostess has changed again. And better make it one more to celebrate the fact that the main festivities are over! Now it's time to get voting underway. We've had a well-known Serbian tennis player, and the first ever Eurovision winner. You know, people that the world would recognise? Guess who they brought out to do the honours for the finals? Your guess is as good as mine. I've never heard of that basketballer in my life, either.

After another brief interlude with Serbian Paris Hilton, the obligatory recap so we could watch 20 seconds of the Latvian pirates again, and an oompa band that wouldn't stop playing (much to Wogan's ire), it was time to tally up the votes. Take a drink, she's changed her dress again.

Now, here's a secret: you don't really have to bother with watching the tally. It's tedious, and not even Wogan's interjections can help it become interesting. Just look up the final tallyboard on the Eurovision website, like I did. You've already sat through a total of about 6 hours of music, by now you probably want to get up and walk around for a bit.

And the winner? Russia. Yes, it seems the ice-skater impressed people more than the actual dull song. But that's not the highlight of the scoreboard. The highlight is at the bottom. If there's one thing I love seeing, it's England failing. Guess who came last? Guess who was a very, very bitter commentator? The poor attempt at funk shared last place with the German Spice Girl's and Poland. The Latvian pirates came 12th.


Eurovision 2009: R.I.P. Joke Entries?

So what of 2009? Traditionally, countries try to replicate last year's winner in the hope that something similar will win again. Last year, there was a noticeable increase in rock bands being entered. This year, there were probably a couple more operatic ballads than usual. But the trend is on the decline.

Why? The semi-finals. Winning Eurovision is a big deal for those insane enough to enter it. And they will do anything to get votes. In years past, most countries were safe and in the final automatically, and could take risks with their acts. Now that there were preliminary or semi-finals of some sort, acts are sticking closer to convention in order to survive. France and Spain, who essentially entered joke acts, failed miserably in the points tally. Ireland's Davros-turkey was a disaster.

On the other hand, the unintentionally bizarre stuff mostly did well. Azerbaijan, the Latvian pirates, and Bosnia & Herzegovania all did pretty well, but Finland ended up in 22nd. So what does this mean? Here's what I think: Joke entries are dead. Their dismal failure this year will not go unnoticed, especially in the form of a certain turkey carcass.

But all is not lost. I'm pretty sure the quirky stuff will live on. After all, bizarre centrepieces like mini ice-skating rinks are faily easy to replicate without being a joke entry.

And hell, who doesn't like pirates?

Depressed due to saving 5 cents -OR- Return to form? UNLIKELY!

Hey People of the NIIIIIIIIIIITE!
We're back on the tubes (of boobs?) with more tales of woe & disgust!
I have been EXAMINING specific recordings and have found out that "Lagomorph Tales!" would make for lackluster viewing (It was basically this: "OMG RABBIT!" *CHASE RABBIT*. Hardly riveting stuff). However, there was some kind of terrible madness discovered in a file with the word "Kamakatze". That's right, I found the rest of the "Oh god. I'd blocked that all out" German logs. Some would say that on the madness scale, it would be a reading of "20,000 years of frog in a convenient can of RAID", and highly dangerous when exposed to glucose.
"So Seb, how did this rediscovery come about, you cad?" few would ask!
Well, it's all a product of having nothing better to do than sitting on MSN at 1:40AM trying to remember which 5 girls I liked way back in 2002/3 (And this was only in 2005! In this modern age, such a monumental task would be nigh impossible! THE IMPOSSIBLE! Also, please note that number of girls I ended up with was approximately equal to 0.5).
"2005!?! YOU LIED TO US!" You may cry! But This, I did not! For you see, what happens after midnight, stays after midnight. Or until I dig up a history file and go "Oh god no".
So, shall we delve into what was uncovered? I think we must at this stage!
Let's see... there's acts of kindness and donation. However, it involved no financial loss to yours truly, so it's generosity is debatable (The item? A backpack of THIS character. Did I hang my head in shame upon winning said item? Yes. Yes I did. It was given to a girl called Liesl as a Birthday present, because I felt that I had wronged her in some way, which, considering my mental state at the time of this event, was probably fictional).
Also, hidden in subtle "read between the lines" words are things. Like how the sports channel suddenly transforms into a soft porn channel at 2 in the morning, then becomes FUSSBALL SOCCER SCHPORT again at 5AM. Don't ask me how I know this, you won't like the answer. Let's just say insomnia is a terrible, terrible thing.
But anyway. I shall venture forth into the terrible world of the REAL, and see what I can unearth in terms of hideous messes for you to laugh at! Ciao!

Oh scheisse! -OR- When Seb Forgets!

Hey Fools & Foolettes!
Damn, I haven't put anything up for a whole freakin' month! What is this world coming to? (I imagine that the correct response would be "A Responsible One!", but I spit on that answer, and attempt to burn it, although spit & fire are not good together).
Anyway, I think that a major reason would be that I blew quite alot of the big stories at once, and then followed up with a $2 or Less Bin of utter trash! That would be an ADEQUATE explanation, I expect!
Anyway, with that out of the way, I shall struggle on with my thing. Whatever the hell that may be. It's possible that this complete lack of direction is due to me writing, presenting and god knows what else-ing a Thesis, but FIE! I say that it's all due to my old computer. You know, the one that had its' case rust off when it got sprayed with Baygon, the one where the left cursor key was removed for, and I quote, "Reasons Unknown". Yes, the same one where, if you wanted the speakers to work, you had to lean around the back and press against the cable in order for the thing to work (Result: It made the problem worse everytime I did it! YAY PROGRESS!) But it had "Super Graphics", meaning it would go up to 800x600, but the screen would go dark, get painful to look at, and the monitor would emit a buzzing noise.
Or it could be the TV I used to have that you had to turn on using a spoon.
Either way, my complete lack of dedication and Love to this here Bloggicle is UNACCEPTABLE, even if it could be due to a lack of inspiration (WHERE FORTH ART THOU MUSE?) or just Ennui.
Well, it is almost time for "The Weekend Of Terror". That's right, kids & kiddies! EUROVISION & PUB FEST are coming! PREPARE THYSELF, for the dawn of a new dark age is upon thee!
Back to Purgatory with me, I fear!