You may drink, but you'll NEVER FORGET: Part 1

On that note, let us begin the next, rather delayed chapter in our Guide to surviving Maitland (Unfortunately, due to budgetary constraints, we will not be covering how to deal with the zombies or roaches in the Mall). The best way to deal with Maitland is to take the advice of the local railway station (Leave. Immediately), or to become oblivious of it’s presence. The two legal ways of doing this are: Total Frontal Lobotomy & Inebriation. In this instalment of the guide, we will focus on the latter.

Let us begin with a tour of the local venues, each more terrible than the last, no matter how you approach the order! Yes, through the power of EVIL, every pub, no matter which order you visit it in, will be worse than the one before it. The scientifically minded may put this down to the bunch of thugs &/or hooligans that have assembled and are following you around, waiting for you to step into a secluded area, or possibly due to some kind of terrible fungus that tends to gnaw on the medulla oblongata, which increases in ferociousness as time spent in Maitland increases.
So, without further stalling for time, let us get down to the real nitty gritty!

1. The Clubhouse (Ranked Equal 48^th Most Violent Pub in Australia with 8 others!)Is intelligent conversation important to you? How about a pleasant, relaxed, and safe atmosphere? If these things rank at the bottom of your priorities list, then come on down to The Clubhouse! Here you can experience one of Maitland’s finest attractions! That’s right, kids! You can be picked up by someone who is at least twice your age, missing several of their front teeth, and have a drug dependence! Only the finest of the genetic stock assemble here! Still confused on what to expect? Click Here, but don’t Click Here, because that will just confuse you even more. Back back on track! As we can see from the attached photo, the pub appears “nice”, but closer inspection, the true nature of the pub is revealed. There appears to be an object of some sort on the roof, but the real evidence is found by venturing inside the pub. The 1000 yard stares will have you wilting for your life as you quickly survey the surrounds looking for an exit or an implement to defend yourself with. The best advice for visiting this pub is: “ Don’t ”.
Typical Patron: Bogan/Violent Bogan
Typical Music: Bogan Rock (CHISEL, Mental As Anything, etc)
Atmosphere: Oppressive/Fear Inducing/Oh God Why Did I Come In Here
Prices: Average
Reasons to Visit: Suicide (Be it social, mental, spiritual, or physical, the Clubhouse caters for all your self harm needs!)

2. The Metropolitan HotelDon’t be fooled by the Art Deco/Art Nuevo exterior. There are no dapper fellows or classy dames to be found here. It’s more a Bioshock kinda place. You know, with the genetic freaks and other niceties. Being a contender for some of the vilest carpets in existence is just one of this pubs claims to fame. Other claims are overpriced alcohol, soulless rock, broken CRT TV’s that give you eye cancer, a complete lack of lighting, and a “games room” with arcade machines from about 17 years ago, which have all been rendered redundant by modern consoles, or even internet access. Or a mobile phone with Snake II. Playing a virtual bowling game that costs more than actual real bowling seems a bit mad to me. Especially since when bowling you’re not constantly wondering if someone’s going to glass you. Wondering due to the complete lack of lighting, natural or artificial.
The outside of the pub is tiled for a reason. As I have observed many many times, the reasoning behind this is to hose off the vomit. Also present is a bistro called “The Happy Belly”, which has to be one of the most unappealing names my father or I can imagine. They also have a habit of putting balsamic vinegar on everything.
Typical Patron: Blue Collar Workers/Unemployed Old Men
Typical Music: Hard to determine due to low speaker quality. Possibly Rock
Atmosphere: I think he’s eyeing me off, but I can’t tell because it’s so goddamn dark/So this is what “special hell” is like
Prices: Inflated
Reasons to Visit: Sudden transformation into an old, blue collar vampire with 1 fang/Wanting to re-enact Bioshock

3. The HVBThe Hunter Valley Brewery is referred to by my brother as “That place where all the young people seem to go and where I can see a fight on a nightly basis!”. My personal recollections are hazy at best, as the only time I have visited this venue was during a certain someone’s 21^st (as there was another certain someone’s 18^th on the same night, literately around the corner, I do not remember very much of the night except the advice that the stomach cannot contain 5 steaks). If the upstairs area is booked for a private function, this is an excellent venue! However, beware the normal crowd. While not as god awful as some other pubs, they are still along way from the cream of the genetic crop. This pub has expensive drinks, and is considered by some to be Maitland’s Answer to “Frostbites!”.
Typical Patron: Young Maitland-ite
Typical Music: Top 40 & Techno
Atmosphere: Good if private event, Dance Dance Regurgitation if public
Prices: Significant
Reasons to Visit: PARTY!!!!1/Damn, I need to score badly! (Technically, this could be the same reason, depending on your motives)
Secret Reason to Visit: To get a view of the back of the shops next door to see the dogs in cages around the back of the Kebab shop.

4. The Queens Arms

The Queens Arms is a Biker Bar. That’s pretty much all you need to know. You know the drill by now: Don’t touch the bikes. Ever. No eye contact. Get your drink and leave. The drinks are modestly priced, probably through overwhelming fear of reprisals for raising drink prices above those from circa 1987. You could theoretically play pool here, but you’ll probably be beaten until you get detached retinas with the cue before you get within 3 metres of the table. The décor of the pub is as expected: It’s got the tacky neon signs advertising beer comparable with Hobo fluids, and the TV is blaring out SKY. If, by some rare alignment of the planets (but more likely to be due to either a raid by the cops or a deathmatch with a neighbouring gang over some trivial event), the pub is not full of bikers, it will be filled with, to quote Shaun of the Dead, “Sad old fuckers drinking themselves to death”. The rules still apply. Get out while you still can, before one of them goes outside & urinates on your car.
Do not order, mention, or even think about Wine here. Just don’t.
Typical Patron: Angry, Angry Men, Often Bikers
Typical Music: Pub Rock. It’s never anything else. EVER.
Atmosphere: Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god
Prices: Cheap, and for a reason
Reasons to Visit: Buying Meth/Losing Teeth/Losing Organs/Losing

Due to Pressing Issues (Being threatened with oily, oily death unless the kitchen is cleaned up RIGHT NOW), the 2^nd half of this thrilling guide will be coming to you in the Not Too Distant Future! Think of it as “Duty Now for the Future”!

Until next time, funkers!

These People Eat Toast in the Shower - OR - Why MySpace will come back to haunt you.

Gaze upon my works and despair, Ye mighty!
But this is the result of expanding the image search to "Show us everything you've omitted". Oddly enough, not a single image from the actual blog makes it into the search results.
YOUR SECRETS ARE SAFE WITH US!

Facebook: A new (well, not that new) world of woe

Well, there go all my hopes & dreams.

But, at least this hasn't happened...

EVERYWHERE I LOOK IS A DOUGLAS

Seb's back, baby!
After months & months of terror, pain, and woe of an unspeakable horror, my "Sanity" has "Returned". So now, we are left wondering, I suppose, what now? Now that the terror incognito has passed, will Halcyon Days return to the Blarg?
Well, to be honest, the quality of the posticles is directly related to my Blood Alcohol Level, and this has been, sadly, floating around a level of approximately zero for the last 2 months. This travesty is to be AVERTED! I shall avert it with Gusto!
So let us begin with a world of terror & fear.
Or maybe just coming up with things that will inspire a world of fear & terror in Bob.

Online Polls - Lesson 2

Some of you may know that Seb has repeatedly expressed his desire to return to this blog and get posting again. He can't do that until he finishes and submits his Honours thesis. It was "due" last week. Then it was "due" this week. Now it's probably "due" next week. I'm sure you've all heard the jokes and comparisons to Duke Nukem Forever by now (for bonus laughs, check out the picture they've got on that Wiki page).

The point is, he's not done yet. So to fill in the time, we shall continue our journey of online polls.

You'll recall that the final poll I presented last time was a somewhat bizarre beast on the CNN website, meshing poll, bias, and advertising all into one little box measuring a few square centimetres. Well, there were a couple of sequels to this bizarre beast.

Firstly, a question about contribution to society. Do the phrases "contribution to society" and "Paris Hilton" merge well together in your head? I thought not. It apparently doesn't gel in a lot of people's minds:




However, over 1000 respondents did say "Paris Hilton", so that poll may not have been the greatest indication that people can make smart choices. Let's face it, few polls are. They do exist, though:




But wait! CNN readers continued to make smart and informed decisions in this poll:




And what's this? Now even Ninemsn poll respondents are making smart choices:



(It's bigger if you click on it. Really!) Websites finally post deep, probing polls, and the general public finally demonstrates in these polls that they do in fact have a good understanding of society. Scary, isn't it?

But for those of you expecting the whacky, fear not. While the biased polls may start to be showing that people are smart, it's the balanced polls that have become disturbing insights into the human mind.

"Is it ethical for nurses to have affairs with patients?" You would expect an overwhelming response for "No."

You'd be wrong:




Yep. Just over 40 % replied to this Ninemsn poll with "Yes". The reason we're becoming sleep deprived is evidently to get admitted to hospital and have "ethical" affairs with nurses.

No wonder we thought Britney was released too early. She obviously hadn't met the right nurse yet....