A Guest Post! SCANDALOUS

Hey Fools & Foolettes!
I received an Electronic Letter from a certain Miss Pritchard!
Inside was a Communique entitled "The Trials and Tribulations of trying to find Seb", along with the instructions

I have attached something for your blog, could you please post it.
It is a serious post and a serious issue.

It contained the following:

The Trials and Tribulations of trying to find Seb’s blog –

Jess :-) and Lambie

The search for Seb’s blog begun on Friday 11.46am in some physics lab with Lambie. I was informed that Seb had searched for his blog in Google and it had appeared in the top ten. As with any great experiment, it needs to be replicated.

My initial search of Private Cox yielded few interesting results just some people who had fought in some wars etc, nothing really interesting as yet. Lambie then reminded me that it was actually called toast in the shower. Yet again few interesting articles mainly about bridal showers and toasts. BORING. Anyways, after these initial set backs I soldiered on with my initial search for Seb’s blog, this time attempting to search toastinthe shower. This, while not revealing Seb’s blog did reveal some mocking of disabled physicists.

See figure 1. This did amuse myself and Lambie as we took a break from our quest. Searching Google is hard.

This is figure one -

As toastintheshower did not help on the quest for Seb’s Blog, I decided to try the most obvious search for Mr Seb Cox himself. This so much better than anything that has been discovered so far on Google in our quest. Lambie says “damn right it is!!!”

Our favourite quote is “I would heartily recommend any man to experience Seb Cox” as would all of us, I believe. (see second link down). He was also voted British Sex Worker of the Year in 2003. Hopefully this can be repeated with a campaign of SEB’07

From the below graph which measures the trends of toast and showers it can be clearly seen that at the end of each year, showers drop and toast increases. While the increase on toast is quite obvious towards the festive season, the decrease in showers is of concern.

After all this, the blog remains at large!!!

(Admittedly we got distracted by several factors possibility including prostate, massager and Seb Cox)

Shocking revelations indeed!
I'm sure I'll get interesting looks at job interviews when they Google my name.
Wonders never cease!

Diversions from E & S rage - OR - Melon House: A Cautionary Tale

Hey all you miscreants! It's your friendly neighbourhood Seb here (not the strange creepy one with the shifty eyes & the Needle who wants to know if you could "loan" him 50 cents), contributing to what could be considered by "some"* (*None) as a distinct lack of articles with horrendous images thrown in for "good measure" (Shits & Giggles, I believe is the correct term, but it's most definitely going to be weighted more heavily towards the former) written by yours truly.

Exhibit A shall be the article referred to as "Melon House", a simulation of why the world cannot be trusted with wonderful things:

Here, we see "Melon House" in it's natural environment, the awesomeness of such a thing cannot be denied. This lead to the Melon-ous House attracting attention of jealous rivals, those in the community who did not live in the glory of the Melony shadow. Unfortunately, it was inevitable that , in this uncertain age of Terrarists & F.E.A.R.s, that the House of Melon became a target for attacks.
And so the prophecies came true:
The loss of such a stucture was not without it's benifits to the community however. Like the Berlin Wall, pieces of the once majestic, yet terrifying structure rained down on the wider world, and all would have a piece of Melon in their heart & soul (& gall bladder).
After processing an explosion of such awesome proportions, the computer simulating this promptly exploded, due to a massive lodge of GRATITUDE in it's Speaker.

Herein end's todays lesson. Never forget Melon House. NEVA FARGET!

Unless you're running on Talent. Like these guys

P.S. Emperor's & Scum sucks when you Win AND when you Lose.
I'll post something better later. I'm tired & delicate & ugly & have a bit of breast tenderness.

Some Preliminary Results (By Somewhat Popular Demand)

(22/8/07) UPDATE: Theres been a flurry of activity in the comments section! Make sure to read them to get up to date on the suggestions.

A lot of you have been asking me how the Emperor/Scum statitsics are going. Some of you have been asking me quite regularly. So as a service to the community, I will summarise some of what the statistics seem to be saying so far. But in order to keep an air of mystery surrounding the results, I'm not going to give everything away just yet (in part because it's still too soon to extrapolate trends).

Before we move on, let me emphasise and reiterate that last point: These are preliminary results. What I state below may not necessarily turn out to be what we end up with after more games.

The General Trend:

I think a lot of you can guess, or know, what the general trend along all game types is. (By game type, I mean number of players, decks, jokers, etc.) Yep, once your position is determined after the first game, it looks like you're stuck there. Even games that seem like they have a lot of variation on the surface still, deep down where the statistics lie, probably don't have all that much variation in the long run.

But How Bad Is It?

Worse than you could possibly imagine, unless you are Han Solo, who can imagine quite a bit. (Sorry. It just popped into my head, and I had to say it.) There are several instances of players having over a 50% chance of staying where they are. In fact, in two of the three game types with good statistics (enough games played to see trends emerging), the chance of the top emperor staying there is over 60%, and the third is not far of at 57%.

If there is variation in a game, in many cases it is far more likely for the scum to switch around, while the emperors just sit where they are.

Neutrality:

It looks like having neutral players makes some sort of a difference in the spread of what you're next likely position will be. I think I know why, but we'll leave that for the final report.

The Worst Offender:

I'm inclined to pick either 6 players (with no neutral players) or 5 players (wth one neutral player), both with one deck and two jokers. These are the aformentioned 60%-chance-emperor games. Your chances of unseating any of the emperors in either of these game types is so low it's almost disheartening.

What's This About A Surprise Trend?

Yes, there does appear to be a surprise emerging in a few game types, but I will not say anything other than it still supports my initial hypothesis.

That's the general wrap up for what's been done so far. There's also been some suggestions and general talk of other factors that I could investigate:

Seating Position:

A couple of people have noted that the seating positions of everyone and their ranking could have some effect on the results.

Player Ability:

Some people are better at the game than others. That means some people might win more than others, skewing the results slightly toward an invariant game. I believe that the broad spectrum of people playing the game will average this factor out, and those who play regularly will quickly reach the same skill level as everyone else.

Player Awesomeness:

Apparently I may need to take into account the awesomeness of certain people. :P

If any of you have any suggestions as to how these things could be tested, recorded, or taken into account in the final results in a way that isn't overly complex and/or time consuming (keeping in mind I do have a thesis to write this semester, plus some essays and presentations as well), please let me know.

The final report with all the results and gory details will be posted on this blog (eventually). I have a feeling it's going to be rather big, so Seb, you might want to consider creating an expandable post summary for it, for the sake of neatness. Because it's going to be rather large, I am also thinking of creating Word and PDF versions of the report as well (which will be sent out to you if you ask for it). Let me know what you think of this idea.

Finally, a big thank you to everyone who's been playing the game and taking the time to gather the statistics for me. Most people have figured it out by now, but if you want to help out, just remember that the standard list of names recording everyone's ranking after each round is all I need. I've got a system going to minimise the mistakes in the tables if you give me the list. All I need beyond that is the number of decks, jokers, and if necessary, neutral players. (If those things change, don't forget to make a note of it!)

Keep the stats coming!

A Film Review, As Promised

DISCLAIMER: This review contains SPOILERS. If, for some reason, you don't want the plot of one of the worst films ever made spoiled for you, then stop reading now. If you don't care, read on!

Let's get one thing straight. This film is called Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Santa Claus does not "conquer" the "Martians" in this film. At best, he gets three of them arrested. That's it. Most of them actually want him on Mars.

The plot is pretty basic. (What else would you expect from a mid-1960's childrens sci-fi film?) Some Head Martian dude notices his kids watch too much TV and don't eat their food pills. He and a group of other Important Martians ask an 800 year old Martian who constantly sounds like he is about to cry what do do. He tells them to go get Santa Claus.

So they do. But along the way they capture a couple of kids called Billy and Betty (a plan which involves telling them not to be afraid while pointing weapons at them) who tell them where to find Santa Claus. I don't have to tell you that they escape 5 minutes later, do I?

After an encounter with a man crawling around in a polar bear suit, a threatening robot that doesn’t look the least bit threatening, and with Betty’s acting on a noticeable decline, everyone reaches Santa's workshop. Santa Claus defeats the robot by saying it's a toy (it just stops working after that), while a couple of Santa’s elves and Mrs Claus get frozen with the Martians’ fancy gun. The kids get captured (again), along with Santa Claus.

They go to Mars, spread cheer amongst the Martian kiddies (although not without further intervention from some not too happy Martians), and it all ends well when the Martians let Santa and the kids go home after finding a Santa-replacement.

There are numerous problems with this film. It's not even edited properly for starters. Actors screw up their lines, and the film keeps rolling if they recover. Wouldn't another take be a better option? There's also the 15 second period about half an hour out from the end when there's just a black screen. For a few seconds I thought the film was over. I was wrong.

And there's the dialogue. The best said about that, the better, other than to say that you will never see simple lines delivered in such a horrible fashion ever again.

I don't have much of a problem with any of the stock footage (except that there's a lot of it), but the U.S. space ship that chases the Martians when they escape with Santa disappears from the story once the Martians raise their "radar shield" (basically stealth technology). You would think they'd be smart enough to figure out where a Martian ship was going (uhh, Mars, maybe?).

While we're on the subject, there's also a "nuclear shield" later on that guards the entrance to a cave. Step through it while the shield is on and you get vaporised in an instant. But hang on. If a "radar shield" blocks radar, then shouldn't a nuclear shield block.... uhhh.... nuclear?

To be fair, the "radar shield" isn't too bad an idea on the part of the filmmakers. Putting it in what is clearly an old, empty tool box that can easily be hid in and/or sabotaged is. Having "thruster silencers" isn't a too bad idea on the part of the filmmakers. Having the thrusters sound like a fire extinguisher whether the silencers are on or off is. Having an airlock is standard practice for a spaceship. Having air vents inside the air lock through which Santa and the kids can conveniently escape is unforgivable.

Having the character of the U.S. rocket scientist called Werner von Green is.... No. Just no. It's too painful a joke to think about.

What Wikipedia doesn't want you to know...

For some insane reason, the stooges at Wikipedia refuse to let the following be added to the University of Newcastle article:

On the last Friday of July every year it is customary for the students to rise in the early hours of the morning (normally around 4:00 am) to begin partying with friends, this soon leads to all students meeting at the on-campus bar (around 8:00am) for a day of social activity. This event is always looked foward to by thousands of students at the university since it became autonomous from the University of New South Wales in 1965. Some of the more memorable Autonomy Day shenanigans are listed below.

1965: The planned procession down Hunter Street is not enough for some. About 100 students successfully invade Fort Scratchley, still an occupied military installation, and hold the fort for most of the day.

1966: A reverse scavenger hunt has students putting objects in difficult places around the city. A hitch-hiking race is held from Newcastle to Melbourne.

1968: The Lord Mayor of Newcastle is kidnapped for a ransom of $50 in a scavenger hunt that raises more than $800 for charity.

1971: 11 students arrested and 10 reprimanded for being in possession of stolen goods during the scavenger hunt. About 400 students try to drink two Wallsend pubs dry. The tradition is picked up by canny beer distributors, who use spies to ensure targeted pubs are amply stocked.

1976: Two buses are stolen in the scavenger hunt, with one later wedged under a footbridge, costing the Student Representative Council $3000 in fines and damages. There is also a report of an elephant being found in the Union car park. The scavenger hunt is cancelled and Autonomy Day celebrations go quiet for a few years.

1985: The scavenger hunt is revived. Local member Alan Morris is kidnapped and tied to a tree with a Hamburglar statue 'borrowed' from a nearby McDonald's. A billycart race is held from the Great Hall to the Union building.

1988: A reveller attempts a somersault off the roof of the Union building. He breaks his ankle.

1989: The same acrobat attempts the feat again. He breaks his other ankle.

2006: Riot police placed on standby as the university fears the few thousand strong student gathering may get out of hand.

2007: Get Amongst It 2007: Yeeooww we're going streaking, 11:11 the naked mile from bar on the hill. BE THERE

I propose that anyone who knows how to use that damn thing (blown if I know) amend this horrendous miscarriage of justice, and restore the above block of text ad-infinim until the people are appeased! Maggotry is an important part of any student's life, so we need to ensure that this fact is not lost on the ages!

Maggotry: It's your DUTY

... and Lambie did say "Hell Yeah!"

... And he looked upon the sanity of this blog, and found it lacking. And though I may attempt (occasionally) to rectify the situation, I will more often than not know that doing so will be just as succesful as the Michelson-Morely experiment, and so just contribute with my own insane musings.

"But wait!" I hear you cry. "This blog is entitle The Escapades of Private Cox and Other Tales. You are not Private Cox!" No, I am not. But that does not prevent me from posting Other Tales (possibly also including cautionary tales of scandalous events and other shinanigans, but probably very rarely).

Some of you will know that I do have some future Other Tales already planned out. Yes, there will be a movie review very soon. And yes, I am collecting certain statistical data on Emperor(s) and Scum (or, if you're lazy and can't be bothered saying it properly, EmperorScum), but that's going to have to wait until I have enough data.

This is certainly not MySpace.